Where to find friends aged 50-60?

[OverTheHill50]

OK, they don't have to be exactly 50-60, but I mean my age group (55) and stage of life.

My youngest has gone to uni and DH and I are rattling around. Although we've lived in the same town over 20 years I suddenly feel really lonely and lacking in friends! I've realised how much of our social life revolved around the DC's school and events/ concerts/ other parents etc.
Covid has kiboshed a lot of those friendships/ relationships with hardly anyone socialising over the last 18 months.

I have good friends dotted around up to an hour away, but seeing them always requires advance organisation and planning.

I already do a few hobby things - a music group, book group and an ad hoc walking group, but it seems that most of the people in these are older than me (65+) and although lovely, haven't developed into strong friendships/connections.

Where are all the other 55 year olds? What are they doing?
Are they working and caring for elderly parents with no time for socialising?
I'm not working and sadly lost my remaining parent years ago, so I wonder if perhaps I have more time than others of my age? I don't have any other family except a sibling I don't see much 400 miles away.

[EdmontinaTiresofNameFlipping]

I would love to have local friends I could meet for coffee or for brunch or for a walk in the park. Just simple things really.

You know, I’m beginning to wonder if this model of new friendship is realistic nowadays …

There is too much choice of activity. It’s easy to be ‘friendly’ in passing - but why, really, would one middle aged person want to go to the trouble of leaving their cosy house to walk, or sit in a cafe, conversing with someone they barely know?

Contrast this with two or more people engaged in a shared project (something that actually matters), spending hours talking and thinking together. Coffee will be drunk, maybe you’ll all go to the pub to continue talking about the project. The odd comment, relating the shared endeavour to one’s personal life, may occur. This is honestly a much more rewarding and unforced (though formalised) model of beneficial interaction.

[HundredMilesAnHour]

I'm 51, work full time (in a quite stressful job) but live alone and am incredibly lonely. How sad does that sound? I'm very sociable and know lots of people but my close friends either live miles away (or in other countries), or are just wrapped up with different lifestyles (teenage kids that require constant ferrying around to sports etc).

I've made friends through my gym (but most of them are 20+ years younger and I don't want to go out drinking these days) and through work (but they live outside London and commute in) but I don't have friends to see at the weekends. I would love to have local friends I could meet for coffee or for brunch or for a walk in the park. Just simple things really.

[MagpieMary]

It like be really helpful to know where people are based on this thread.

[greedygut]

There is a nice Facebook group called
Social events in Sussex / Surrey and beyond
I joined a few weeks ago and just reading they seem really nice , I haven't had time to join in any events yet or meet anyone

[DottyHarmer]

I agree that we become a lot more choosy as we get older. As a youngster you all rub along and tolerate foibles. Now I think life’s too short to put up with people who have deal-breaker faults.

I too have dumped several volunteering things. I understand it’s hard managing volunteers, but start by not being so flippin’ rude to them !

[Fiveminutestospare]

I know some very lonely people who work full time. Not everyone works in a sociable office and in fact may wfh full time and not see a soul all day.

I worked in a sociable office but never made any meaningful friendships. I turned up every day and made pleasant chit chat (brought me into contact with people admittedly) but no friendships ever developed so I can understand this comment.

Also, regarding a comment about being a good listener, I think people have arranged meeting up with me for this purpose because in effect they get a free counselling session. Whilst this is okay, I want friendships with people who enjoy activities and are fun to be around etc. and not just me being relied on as a listening post. Another 'friend' arranges meet ups because her child is lonely and wants access to my child as a play mate, yet doesn't invite me to anything socially such as the pub etc. I do think you have to be a bit wary unfortunately and make sure YOU get something out of it too. When I volunteer, if it doesn't suit me, I will have no hesitation in moving on. I think the perimenopause has stripped me of some caregiving hormones and pushed my needs more to the forefront.

Fifty-sixty is a difficult age group to meet new people because many are caught up in working (and not helped that pension age has been pushed up). I know someone who attempted to meet other mums by starting a local craft group during the day - I don't think a single person under 60 attended and we live in a reasonably affluent area.

[Soggychip]

Is there more than one WI group in your area? If so have you tried them ? Where I am theres 3 within reach and they are all completely different. One is very traditional and rather stereotypical but the other two are more my sort of thing. The age range I’d not be too concerned about, it’s more whether the people are your sort of people. At our group I’m really friendly with a woman around 20 years younger than me and one who’s 10 years older and their ages just don’t matter at all. They are interesting, fun to be around, easy to be with.

Are there any nature reserves within reach? Would you be interested in volunteering. One of my friends does one day a week as a guide at one nearby and also does a lot of hands on work. She has learned new skills like hedging, dry stone walling, working with classes on school visits etc. She has made some really good friends there who share similar interests.

It is really difficult at the moment with covid. Lots of groups of all types have recently opened up face to face but how long for who knows. But park run and walking groups should be fine and anything else outdoorsy.

[DottyHarmer]

What mean posts about working. I know some very lonely people who work full time. Not everyone works in a sociable office and in fact may wfh full time and not see a soul all day.

It is difficult - everything I have investigated has either given me the bum’s rush (creative writing/book groups) or has a very much older membership. Of course I am happy to make older friends - I used to have excellent chats with the professor over the road - but one lady I got chatting to at a local event started ringing me up and telling me about her ailments and wanting lifts to appointments.

[EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues]

[gettingolderbutcooler]

I'm free! Surrey.
Can you message privately on MN?

[LionelMessy]

BorrowMyDoggy dot com - you take other folks dogs for a walk for an hour or two, and you'll be amazed every 2nd person will chat because you've a dog.

Your runner buddy will be free again soon as doggy training classes often 8 weeks long maybe. In meantime go run your local parkrun 5km Saturday mornings - the community spirit and friendliness is guaranteed at parkruns.

Charity shop volunteer a good way to get chatting to folk too.

[LizziesTwin]

@Atsomepoint

You don’t actually need to run a single step to be at Park Run. You could walk the 5k, you’ll never be last as there’s always a Tail Runner & you could choose to walk with them. You could also volunteer for any of the positions, you don’t have to be a runner to help. But all the people who turn up are very friendly and inclusive. I was so impressed when I got an email celebrating the fact that the average time has increased, which means more non-runners are taking part.

[speakupattheback]

How friendly are you? I'm mid 50s and have made loads of friends when I moved to a new town alone, by being friendly. I know people from 30 to 93 who suggest beer/coffee/lunch etc because I am a good listener, and say yes to things. Some of the most hilarious, brightest and most up for a laugh people I know are those in their 70s and 80s.

[TiddleTaddleTat]

I'm in my 30s and feel this way too. I think it's the legacy of Covid and for me, working from home and losing all of those connections that I used to have when working in person.
I'm looking into volunteering and getting involved in local political party activism. Not everyone's thing but I wanted to find a way to get involved in a community cause. Only thing that sucks is that it's mainly online for now but I suppose we have to start somewhere.

[EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues]

blobby10 That does sound tough. Can’t solve your wider life issues but there is a solution to the wine v middle age thing.

Biodynamic wine. Seriously. Mere organic or natural wine doesn’t work - but if you seek out actual biodynamic wine you may well be delighted by the lack of crushing misery the day after indulging. Try it.

[Atsomepoint]

Running is great if you're into it and I agree a good way to meet people. It has been suggested to me on a couple of occasions. Trouble is, I just don't enjoy it.

[1987qwerty]

parkrun

[Atsomepoint]

Now I'm just so bone tired from work stress and life stress that I wish someone would ring me and ask if I fancied a coffee or wine (although I can't seem to tolerate alcohol any more - thanks to perimenopause).

I wish this too but I've realised it is rare and I have to make the effort if I want company for a coffee. Joining a couple of interest groups is on my agenda as is voluntary work as the activity is already pre-planned/common interest and doesn't involve me becoming resentful because my 'friends' don't make the effort 80% of the time to arrange something when I do. I think I've become a bit cynical or perhaps my expectations are a bit high so I want to try the scattered approach in an attempt to have an array of friends/acquaintances to enrich my social life. I'm happy in my own company with my interests etc. and with limited time, I think I am more choosy about the company I keep/activities outside of this, so again want to try a number of things until I find a good fit (I've already tried two groups - one pre-covid and one when lockdown eased and have ruled these out).

[Deathraystare]

I have a few groups of friends. The first lot I met through someone at Slimming World who invited me to a book club. They are mostly retired and a bit older than me but we all like books/theatre/films etc etc.

The second - well a lady moved in next door to my mum. I got friendly with her (as did my mum who is no longer with us sadly). She was in a group of men and women who were single - either divorced/never married/widowed and asked if I would like to join them. I was a little hesitant at first as some of them went to church and I am not into that. However they, like my other friends, are a lovely group and I occasionally go on holiday with them (going to Eastbourne in November with them!).

Another couple of friends I met at work.

I value these friendships enormously as I don't see much of my brothers and their families. Just the way it is sometimes!

[5128gap]

My advice would be to build on relationships with people you do meet, regardless of age and life stage, provided they are nice and you have at least something in common. I'm 52 and only know 2 other people in their 50s. They're not at the same life stage, as they have young DC while mine are adults. The other people I know are at least ten years younger, many 20+ years younger, with just one friend 15 years older. Its just the way my life has worked out (my DP is very young and have met people through him) but I like it. Shared points of reference are only one aspect of friendship and its very enriching when relationships blur the generations imo. Also the more people you meet and the more you get out, the wider your pool so your chance of meeting your target demographic is higher.

[Guacamole001]

Trouble is if the government brings in any winter restrictions I doubt groups would be able to meet. Not sure yet...

[blobby10]

OverTheHill50 I know exactly how you feel! I'm 52 and realised the other day that I'm very very lonely. My life consists of 5am gym, work by 7.30, home around 5.30 then just me and the cat until bed ready to start again. Ex and I split up in 2015 and for a couple of years before that I was out nearly every evening doing something (symptomatic of a failing marriage and desire to do more than watch TV of an evening).

Children all away at uni/work although one home every weekend. I didn't have many friends even before Covid but was always the one to plan nights out etc with the couple I did have. Now I'm just so bone tired from work stress and life stress that I wish someone would ring me and ask if I fancied a coffee or wine (although I can't seem to tolerate alcohol any more - thanks to perimenopause).

[Guacamole001]

With that in mind JamMaking have booked a local rock choir taster session in a couple of weeks! Sounds fun.

[JamMakingWannaBe]

Not RTTT but community choirs are great for this.

[nomoreoilspills]

Where are all the other 55 year olds? What are they doing? lots are going to still going to be parenting as older mums of teens!