My boyfriends ex, DSS mum- AIBU

[NewHere21]

Hi everyone,

I’m new to mumsnet and started a thread based on a conversation I had with my boyfriends ex, last week. They share a 7 year old son together, however they’ve been separated 6 years. They were together off and on for 5 years before his DS was born, and a year after. 6 years in total, never married but lived together once DSS was born.

I’ve been with my boyfriend just over a year now, we are very happy and in a strong, honest relationship and we have moved in together. I met his DSS almost 6 months into our relationship, we have a great relationship, I pick him up from school, we have days together when both parents are working etc. I have made a real effort with his mum, and vice versa- we have a good relationship overall however I’ve noticed just after Christmas there was a lot of tension. They share time with DS 3/4 days a week and alternate, when she would pick DSS up she wouldn’t leave the car or come in for a chat, as previous she would come in for a tea and ask about DSS etc. It had been like this about 3/4 months when I’d said to my boyfriend to invite her over for dinner, she accepted and was really grateful for the invite. She’s since been over twice for dinner with us and the relationship was going back to pre-Christmas.

Last week I picked DSS from school and there was an incident with another child, nothing serious that needed immediate attention so I told my boyfriend and DSS mum when she collected him next day, she went on a rant about his dad (my boyfriend) which I found really awkward, she aimed a lot of it at me and said everything has changed etc.

Toward the end of the conversation she said ‘Recently it’s just made me realise, there is no chance of me and ever getting back to how we were and we could never get back together’ and that ‘I’ve just got to deal with the fact I’m not a priority to him anymore’. I was utterly gobsmacked and didn’t really know what to say, I asked my boyfriend afterward why she would think they had a chance of getting back together and he was just as confused as me. They haven’t been in a relationship for 6 years, she has had 2 boyfriends in that time (1 she introduced to DS) and he had 1 girlfriend (wasn’t serious enough to introduce).

I’m now very confused and conflicted. Have I been too kind in offering her in for dinner/ catching up etc? I’m trying to do what’s best for DSS as ultimately we are all going to be in each other’s lives for a long time (we are in talks of ttc).

Any advice welcome- sorry for the long post!

[NewHere21]

Again, I’m in complete agreement with you @messybun101 I think she sees what they didn’t have, I know their DS wasn’t planned and they only moved in together because they were expecting. My DP says that they both agreed had she not fallen pregnant they wouldn’t have stayed together and only did for a year after he was born. She can obviously see that we’re in a serious relationship, I’ve moved in and from what she sees it’s a happy family. He’s

With regard to the support system, my DP has taken a step back and she has stopped calling about little things now after he had a word with her, this wasn’t my asking, he did it off his own back. There was one weekend where he had 5 calls in the space of 24 hours, when DS was with us and he said it was too much and she needs to be more independent, again she didn’t like that and DP said she likes to be in control of how things work and their relationship dynamic.

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, that must have been really traumatic for you all. Especially with the added pressure of the ex. I agree as you said previously, it’s all about being with the right person and your DP is planning a future with you, and it’s clear to see.

Absolutely, you need to take care of your own and as long as your DSD is happy, that’s all that matters. Wonderful news about your pregnancy and hope everything is going well so far- such an exciting time that doesn’t need to be dampened by anything 💙

[messybun101]

It really sounds like your partner has tried to take charge, she's just still overstepping.
You mentioned before that hey both had one partner each since splitting up and it didn't work for either of them (obviously as you're here, doh!) she probably didn't see you working out either. Little did she know, it sounds like you're here for the staying. And I'm glad. You sound like a fantastic step mum and you're trying so very hard. Bless you and all you're doing for that little boy, truly 💙

The five times in 24 hours when you were the parents that night... oh, just no. That is shocking behaviour.

My mum and mhh the DP's parents say the ex will get over it when she realises I'm going nowhere. I think it will get worse. She knows about the ring on my finger (that was fine, it's not permanent, yet!) but a baby in my belly, eek that's forever!!
Something will blow up. I'm expecting it but at that point I'm then hoping that her partner will pick up on it and says something when she becomes irrational. I feel bad for him too. He goes out working all day to provide for her, his DS and my DSD when she's not with us, he's a lovely person and can't see that she's still a bit hung up. I will stay civil. Always. But I'm very firm. Quite happy to drop in a smart arse comment when needed so my partner doesn't rock the boat etc. It's easier if it's me. He walks on eggshells (his mum and sad do too) a bit. I think to avoid us having contact stopped or her becoming arsey. He'll would freeze over!!

There's so many differences between us that I can't help think that's when she looks at with me too. I'm tall, curvy, long blonde hair and 27. She's same age, but used to be curvy pre-children, her complexion and style is pretty opposite to me.
I have a full house with two gardens and a room made especially for dsd, which she's seen but she stays in an upstairs flat very undecorated and I wonder if she thinks I have what she could have had. But she couldn't, this was my house first for one. And two, my partner will admit he was with her longer than should have been and the pregnancy was an accident when she came off the pill (he thinks to make him stay)

I think we both have the same view on this @NewHere21. Neither concerned with our DP's behaviour only with the mums. Both with men who have chosen to commit to us. Feel a bit sad that they want what we have. Whilst we're understanding to that, recognise that it still isn't ok.

Your relationship sounds like it's the one. You have another 11 years at least with this woman. Make sure she knows your boundaries with DP and your limits to bending over backwards to help her parent. You already do so much. There is nothing she can complain about.

I really wish the three of you a happy family life, with some DCs of your own too?!
Coming in here and replying to your post, I hope you do also see that from my timeline being almost identical, it isn't too early TTC if you are with the right person. My son is very much planned 💙💙 xxx

[RLEOM]

If her behaviour changed all of a sudden and lasted a few months, and then she came out with that comment, I'd suspect something occurred between your boyfriend and her. Maybe they had a moment? Slept together? Or maybe neither? Or maybe she's realised she's still in love with him? Either way, something had triggered her. 😬

[Lachimolala]

Have you tried just ignoring her? Not in a nasty way but more a leave her to figure it out in privacy way. Because it doesn’t matter whether she was with him for 10 years in a perfect relationship or 10 days in a horrible one, they have a child together and with that comes complicated often frustrating emotions for all of you.

Sounds like she’s realised the finality of things and possibly is feeling sad but also nervous and insecure about things? She may be wondering how this changes their co-parenting dynamics and whether she’ll lose a source of support in her ex, your DP. And now she has a GF of one year being incredibly involved with her child? She’s probably feeling jealous or envious of that, which is all very normal.

I’m sure she’ll work through the emotions in her own time. In the meantime I wouldn’t TTC just yet, take a step back from being unpaid childcare for your DP and see how he reacts to that first before you have a child with him. Based on what you’ve said he’s got it good with you doing a lot of mother/wife work. Maybe do less of that and see how it plays out, you have to look after your own interests in relationships sometimes.

[nitsandwormsdodger]

She is either inappropriately honest or he has done something to give her hope
What is more likely

[NewHere21]

@RLEOM She wanted DP, DSS and her to spend Christmas morning together to open gifts, as they had done that the previous 2 years as neither had a partner, my DP said it he would prefer to have DS 50/50 and they didn’t need to spend Christmas morning together (this was nothing to do with me, he decided). She did say to me at Christmas time that she knew one day DS would have a SM but she wasn’t prepared for how she would feel and is still really emotional about it, which I can completely understand and empathised with her but she ignored me for about 3 months after this hence why I asked her over for dinner.

I definitely think something was triggered around Christmas, perhaps the realisation that things had changed due to us being together?

[NewHere21]

@nitsandwormsdodger firstly, love the name! Lol. She did come out with a few other things that I knew to be a lie which I questioned her on, but this particular thing I remained silent. I think out of utter confusion. I am thinking of asking her outright what she meant by it

[NewHere21]

I think that may be the best thing @Lachimolala I am upset by the comments she made but also she really slated my DP and said some really inappropriate things, in front of DS. She did text DP afterwards to apologise that she had a rant to me and took her frustration out on the wrong person, however, what happened at school wasn’t anything to do with DP either. I think she’s had frustration building for months and hasn’t said anything, because the things she had said were very minor but said with aggression.

I’ve explained to DP that I don’t want to see her as I’m not playing piggy in the middle again. (He had to rush off for a vaccine but was there for the first 10 mins when she picked up and everything was fine)

[Theoscargoesto]

What I immediately thought is that there is a difference between knowing something with your head, and truly understanding that it is so in your heart. Maybe that’s how the ex felt and now she understands in her heart that there won’t be a reconciliation just a thought.