My boyfriends ex, DSS mum- AIBU

[NewHere21]

Hi everyone,

I’m new to mumsnet and started a thread based on a conversation I had with my boyfriends ex, last week. They share a 7 year old son together, however they’ve been separated 6 years. They were together off and on for 5 years before his DS was born, and a year after. 6 years in total, never married but lived together once DSS was born.

I’ve been with my boyfriend just over a year now, we are very happy and in a strong, honest relationship and we have moved in together. I met his DSS almost 6 months into our relationship, we have a great relationship, I pick him up from school, we have days together when both parents are working etc. I have made a real effort with his mum, and vice versa- we have a good relationship overall however I’ve noticed just after Christmas there was a lot of tension. They share time with DS 3/4 days a week and alternate, when she would pick DSS up she wouldn’t leave the car or come in for a chat, as previous she would come in for a tea and ask about DSS etc. It had been like this about 3/4 months when I’d said to my boyfriend to invite her over for dinner, she accepted and was really grateful for the invite. She’s since been over twice for dinner with us and the relationship was going back to pre-Christmas.

Last week I picked DSS from school and there was an incident with another child, nothing serious that needed immediate attention so I told my boyfriend and DSS mum when she collected him next day, she went on a rant about his dad (my boyfriend) which I found really awkward, she aimed a lot of it at me and said everything has changed etc.

Toward the end of the conversation she said ‘Recently it’s just made me realise, there is no chance of me and ever getting back to how we were and we could never get back together’ and that ‘I’ve just got to deal with the fact I’m not a priority to him anymore’. I was utterly gobsmacked and didn’t really know what to say, I asked my boyfriend afterward why she would think they had a chance of getting back together and he was just as confused as me. They haven’t been in a relationship for 6 years, she has had 2 boyfriends in that time (1 she introduced to DS) and he had 1 girlfriend (wasn’t serious enough to introduce).

I’m now very confused and conflicted. Have I been too kind in offering her in for dinner/ catching up etc? I’m trying to do what’s best for DSS as ultimately we are all going to be in each other’s lives for a long time (we are in talks of ttc).

Any advice welcome- sorry for the long post!

[Theoscargoesto]

What I immediately thought is that there is a difference between knowing something with your head, and truly understanding that it is so in your heart. Maybe that’s how the ex felt and now she understands in her heart that there won’t be a reconciliation just a thought.

[NewHere21]

I think that may be the best thing @Lachimolala I am upset by the comments she made but also she really slated my DP and said some really inappropriate things, in front of DS. She did text DP afterwards to apologise that she had a rant to me and took her frustration out on the wrong person, however, what happened at school wasn’t anything to do with DP either. I think she’s had frustration building for months and hasn’t said anything, because the things she had said were very minor but said with aggression.

I’ve explained to DP that I don’t want to see her as I’m not playing piggy in the middle again. (He had to rush off for a vaccine but was there for the first 10 mins when she picked up and everything was fine)

[NewHere21]

@nitsandwormsdodger firstly, love the name! Lol. She did come out with a few other things that I knew to be a lie which I questioned her on, but this particular thing I remained silent. I think out of utter confusion. I am thinking of asking her outright what she meant by it

[NewHere21]

@RLEOM She wanted DP, DSS and her to spend Christmas morning together to open gifts, as they had done that the previous 2 years as neither had a partner, my DP said it he would prefer to have DS 50/50 and they didn’t need to spend Christmas morning together (this was nothing to do with me, he decided). She did say to me at Christmas time that she knew one day DS would have a SM but she wasn’t prepared for how she would feel and is still really emotional about it, which I can completely understand and empathised with her but she ignored me for about 3 months after this hence why I asked her over for dinner.

I definitely think something was triggered around Christmas, perhaps the realisation that things had changed due to us being together?

[nitsandwormsdodger]

She is either inappropriately honest or he has done something to give her hope
What is more likely

[Lachimolala]

Have you tried just ignoring her? Not in a nasty way but more a leave her to figure it out in privacy way. Because it doesn’t matter whether she was with him for 10 years in a perfect relationship or 10 days in a horrible one, they have a child together and with that comes complicated often frustrating emotions for all of you.

Sounds like she’s realised the finality of things and possibly is feeling sad but also nervous and insecure about things? She may be wondering how this changes their co-parenting dynamics and whether she’ll lose a source of support in her ex, your DP. And now she has a GF of one year being incredibly involved with her child? She’s probably feeling jealous or envious of that, which is all very normal.

I’m sure she’ll work through the emotions in her own time. In the meantime I wouldn’t TTC just yet, take a step back from being unpaid childcare for your DP and see how he reacts to that first before you have a child with him. Based on what you’ve said he’s got it good with you doing a lot of mother/wife work. Maybe do less of that and see how it plays out, you have to look after your own interests in relationships sometimes.

[RLEOM]

If her behaviour changed all of a sudden and lasted a few months, and then she came out with that comment, I'd suspect something occurred between your boyfriend and her. Maybe they had a moment? Slept together? Or maybe neither? Or maybe she's realised she's still in love with him? Either way, something had triggered her. 😬

[messybun101]

It really sounds like your partner has tried to take charge, she's just still overstepping.
You mentioned before that hey both had one partner each since splitting up and it didn't work for either of them (obviously as you're here, doh!) she probably didn't see you working out either. Little did she know, it sounds like you're here for the staying. And I'm glad. You sound like a fantastic step mum and you're trying so very hard. Bless you and all you're doing for that little boy, truly 💙

The five times in 24 hours when you were the parents that night... oh, just no. That is shocking behaviour.

My mum and mhh the DP's parents say the ex will get over it when she realises I'm going nowhere. I think it will get worse. She knows about the ring on my finger (that was fine, it's not permanent, yet!) but a baby in my belly, eek that's forever!!
Something will blow up. I'm expecting it but at that point I'm then hoping that her partner will pick up on it and says something when she becomes irrational. I feel bad for him too. He goes out working all day to provide for her, his DS and my DSD when she's not with us, he's a lovely person and can't see that she's still a bit hung up. I will stay civil. Always. But I'm very firm. Quite happy to drop in a smart arse comment when needed so my partner doesn't rock the boat etc. It's easier if it's me. He walks on eggshells (his mum and sad do too) a bit. I think to avoid us having contact stopped or her becoming arsey. He'll would freeze over!!

There's so many differences between us that I can't help think that's when she looks at with me too. I'm tall, curvy, long blonde hair and 27. She's same age, but used to be curvy pre-children, her complexion and style is pretty opposite to me.
I have a full house with two gardens and a room made especially for dsd, which she's seen but she stays in an upstairs flat very undecorated and I wonder if she thinks I have what she could have had. But she couldn't, this was my house first for one. And two, my partner will admit he was with her longer than should have been and the pregnancy was an accident when she came off the pill (he thinks to make him stay)

I think we both have the same view on this @NewHere21. Neither concerned with our DP's behaviour only with the mums. Both with men who have chosen to commit to us. Feel a bit sad that they want what we have. Whilst we're understanding to that, recognise that it still isn't ok.

Your relationship sounds like it's the one. You have another 11 years at least with this woman. Make sure she knows your boundaries with DP and your limits to bending over backwards to help her parent. You already do so much. There is nothing she can complain about.

I really wish the three of you a happy family life, with some DCs of your own too?!
Coming in here and replying to your post, I hope you do also see that from my timeline being almost identical, it isn't too early TTC if you are with the right person. My son is very much planned 💙💙 xxx

[NewHere21]

Again, I’m in complete agreement with you @messybun101 I think she sees what they didn’t have, I know their DS wasn’t planned and they only moved in together because they were expecting. My DP says that they both agreed had she not fallen pregnant they wouldn’t have stayed together and only did for a year after he was born. She can obviously see that we’re in a serious relationship, I’ve moved in and from what she sees it’s a happy family. He’s

With regard to the support system, my DP has taken a step back and she has stopped calling about little things now after he had a word with her, this wasn’t my asking, he did it off his own back. There was one weekend where he had 5 calls in the space of 24 hours, when DS was with us and he said it was too much and she needs to be more independent, again she didn’t like that and DP said she likes to be in control of how things work and their relationship dynamic.

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, that must have been really traumatic for you all. Especially with the added pressure of the ex. I agree as you said previously, it’s all about being with the right person and your DP is planning a future with you, and it’s clear to see.

Absolutely, you need to take care of your own and as long as your DSD is happy, that’s all that matters. Wonderful news about your pregnancy and hope everything is going well so far- such an exciting time that doesn’t need to be dampened by anything 💙

[messybun101]

I've just read your Op again, it is so similar to mine. Timeline etc. Although, as I mentioned before, I was not AS generous as you are with the ex

We got together feb 2020. Fell pregnant in sept with a miscarriage two months later. We had to cancel an arranged weekend with DSD as I needed d&c surgery. My DP (annoyingly!!) told her about the MC and just 1.5 months later at Christmas, the problems started.
No you can't get her. Open the presents here. Blah blah blah. Not one bit of meeting in the middle to share. I was pissed off. She knew we'd had such a hard time. He was distraught with the loss. I imagine this wouldn't have sat well with her as her pregnancy is when they broke up. But he was staying with me and it is clear that 7 years ago, he wasn't with the right person he wanted to settle down with in a family like we are now.

Anyway, fast forward and we've had a 7th birthday since which was an absolute mess. The atmosphere was horrible and I hope my DSD never picked up on it.
She is now sent out to the car. I haven't seen her mum since we took birthday presents in.
She texts an hour or so into our day visits to ask when we're doing drop off
She's a pain in my fucking arse.

My DP is with me 110%. Our baby is due Oct and the ex doesn't know. She doesn't need to. Plus, it'll be stress from the get-go. I imagine the next bee in her bonnet will be how my child is brought up compared to DSD. What my child's relationship with his GMum/GDad who'll visit our house but not hers (they see DSD when we have her)
But she's supported by her own DP and has a DS of her own with him too. That's her family. My DP and our son, is MINE.

[messybun101]

I thought I was kind and accommodating for a nice home life for DSD but wow @NewHere21 you're going a lot further than I did, or would.

Let's be honest, we do it to help our DPs don't we? To show them were here for the long haul. So our step children like us.
BUT it isn't for us to do. You're going above and beyond, if is a lovely thing to do but very extreme op. She'll be making accusations you're trying to take over/be the new mum next.
Maybe you're juggling step-mum life better than she manages with single-mum life and she's a bit jealous of that
Or maybe it's what I thought earlier, and it's that you're in a great relationship with your partner and she's realised now it's the real thing with you and it's intimidating.

Either way though, I also think your partner shouldn't be agreeing to do these small things for her. She needs her own support system. When you do TTC, where's the space going to be for your baby? His time is filled with fixing her car and answering her questions etc.

I think rather than fixating on the why, you should also take a step back. Allow your DP to co parent with his ex himself but it should be limited to being about his son only. I.e she doesn't overstep and is more self sufficient or finds another mug to run about for her.

[Tangledtresses]

Well I finished it with him, and didn't accept his later advances either.... but I would probably talk to the gf? He may have or she may have got the wrong end of the stick... but best to get this all out in the open for your sakes!

[NewHere21]

Oh gosh, @Tangledtresses that sounds horrendous for everyone involved and I’m so sorry, there only seems to be one person gaining from your situation, unfortunately!
I absolutely 100% trust my partner and I know he only has good intentions, but since she made this comment I have had those little niggles the ‘what ifs’ and I asked him outright ‘have you led her on in any way to think you would one day get back together?’ And he flat out says no way, I don’t go through his phone but I’ve seen messages (when sitting next to each other) and they are all related to DS.

[Tangledtresses]

I'm the ex... and my ex had a girlfriend fine I didn't mind one bit...
until he started trying to flirt with me, get back together etc I was having none of it ! He used to moan about his gf say she wasn't important etc.... he was a lying twat and was trying to keep me hanging so I wouldn't get a boyfriend! I didn't and still don't want another partner.. they have finally moved in together and wow she does a lot for my son, i have pointed out that he's taking the piss of her nature and stop using her! He proudly tells me how much she cleans and cooks 😱😱 for him! I really hope this is not going to be your situation.

[NewHere21]

“I also remember being 7 and coming home from my dads with the news of a baby brother. My mum was sick.
Talking to her years later (about my situation with DSD mum) she said she couldn't stand my father. They never worked. Would never work and she had no regrets but the realisation that he'd actually moved on to the right life but had messed up with us was still enough to upset her.”

I think that’s a really valid point and I am trying to see from her POV too, it must be extremely difficult for her to see him with someone else and living with that person, and essentially a ‘family unit’ with their son- that’s why I have tried to include her and invite her over etc. Even Christmas Eve for games night (we had him Eve, up to midday and she had him midday onward) I don’t want her to miss out in important things such as that, but I also don’t want to feel awkward that she still thought of her and my boyfriend getting back together (up until recently) and her intentions in coming over.

[NewHere21]

@messybun101 and @user648482729 thank you both for your replies and I think they are both valuable opinions. I have seen the relationship change recently and she had mentioned that I’d moved in during our last conversation, perhaps that’s why?
As you described they feel more important as the ‘mother of their child’ as she said she has to accept she’s not a priority anymore- she will still call him if she has a problem, for example with the car (he is by no means a mechanic and I probably know more than him) or house, I’d she needs bread and said it’s for the DS so he will pop groceries to them. More recently she couldn’t use a gift card and called him to ask how. I do feel like sometimes it gets between us because as a woman myself when there’s something wrong with my car I call a mechanic or go to the garage or even use google etc. Sometimes I feel that she needs an excuse other than DS to speak with him and my boyfriend has explained he feels awkward about it but doesn’t know what to do because that’s how she’s always been. I guess I will just have to adjust

[messybun101]

Cross post @user648482729 - but describing almost exactly the same.

I also remember being 7 and coming home from my dads with the news of a baby brother. My mum was sick.
Talking to her years later (about my situation with DSD mum) she said she couldn't stand my father. They never worked. Would never work and she had no regrets but the realisation that he'd actually moved on to the right life but had messed up with us was still enough to upset her.

[user648482729]

@messybun101 describes it well. I also think that before you have DC together they can think of themselves as more important as the “mother of their child” but then when another child is born to a current partner they feel like they’re not as important

[user648482729]

I think my DSDs mum went through this stage when me and DH moved in together; as much as he’d had girlfriends in the past I think she just had the realisation (even though they’d been apart for 5 years by then). It didn’t really follow logic but sometimes these things can hit. It was a bit rocky for a while and we carried on as normal; being friendly but not too much in her face. She got together with someone else and there’s been some odd mirroring of our decisions. There was some definite wobbles when we got married and had our own DC though and some jealousy so I’d be aware of that.
We’ve had other issues but the cause is separate to this.

[messybun101]

I had a great 11 month relationship with my DSD mum until I fell pregnant.
Funny. As she has a child with her current partner of 5 years. And my DP's relationship ended when she was pregnant with their daughter. She seemed over the moon he'd met the 'one' and we accommodated each other, co parented and became friends. Then baby news - BOOM!!
It's sad. I think it is a jealousy thing when the previous partner sees the 'new' gf get to a stage in the relationship that they didn't get to but hoped for.

[NewHere21]

I’ll take your advice and update the thread in a couple weeks to let you know how it’s gone, thank you all for your help I do feel as though it’s gone on a tangent away from the original question but it’s been insightful and made me think of how much I am doing, without even realising!

[Starstruck2021]

Well stop being so available and see what happens.

[NewHere21]

@CanofCant I mean in terms of picking the child up from school, as there as 5 days she will usually do 2 days and he 3, which they both rely on his mum or dad to pick up on days they can’t due to work etc, and during covid they couldn’t as the grandparents were high risk. Often she would say she can’t leave work early to pick up DS from club but we would see a couple hours later a picture on social media that she had finished work and gone for a couple drinks (no judgement at all, but when others have to finish work or change plans to accommodate it makes it difficult) I’m in no way slating her as a mother, I’m just explaining the way I see is her taking advantage to have a drink with mates

[ItsNotLoveActually]

You sound like a lovely person and willing to please. I get that you want to make his life easier but you'll be taken advantage of unfairly if you're not careful. Next time the childcare situation comes up, say you can't - 'sorry, somethings come up' and see how it pans out. If the ex is taking advantage of your DP, it's up to DP to sort her out and get arrangements on a firmer footing. They should have set days and when it's ex's day, it's her problem to sort. Harsh, but if she's doing all the taking and no giving then it will only escalate.

[Aquamarine1029]

I do feel perhaps neither of them have thought this through and are taking advantage of my nature

I do think your partner is taking total advantage of you, and you're allowing it. I'd be interested to see how your partner would react if you said you were no longer going to provide free childcare for his son. I'm betting the relationship wouldn't be as wonderful as you think it is.