Should I be worried?

[FebruaryJuly]

Background info:
I am 6 months pregnant with our second child, we have been together 6 years, engaged 3 years and own our own house. Over the last few months, I have felt we have drifted and think this is mostly down to be pregnancy hormones and lockdown making us feel rubbish too.

I’m feeling a little bit worried and confused! Since lockdown started, HTB (husband to be) has always been to these “work meet ups”sometimes weekly to keep in touch with everyone, usually for a coffee and they have a separate group chat - he is the only male out of 3 people at these meet ups. It’s always been just him and a few girls which I have felt uncomfortable about but know it’s not something that should be an issue so just went along with it. They also have last night Zoom catch ups which I am never around as he does this in his office in our house.

There is one girl in his work (also in this group of 3) who he is really close friends with, Snapchat’s a lot and WhatsApp’s a lot but nothing has ever looked to me anymore than good friends. I’ve met her before, she came to our house to work once last year. She is engaged and has just bought a lovely house with her fiancé and we were invited to her wedding but it was postponed. HTB often tells me about how he thinks her fiancé can be not very nice to her so he always helps her with personal advice too... She is basically his best friend in work I would say. Lately, I became suspicious that he is only going for walks with her alone and not as a group. He is going for a “walk with work” today, however it seems to be just her alone. I know this as I saw a message pop up on his phone from just her (not in the group chat that they have) while they were deciding where to go with each other. So I imagine it is just my HTB and her going on the walk together. There was another time he went on a “socially distanced work walk” and it was only after it that I started to wonder if it was just those two rather than three of them. I’m sure last time it was only them two but I can’t be sure, however I can be sure this time! Am I silly to be feeling a bit shit about this, especially since she is engaged?

I haven’t brought it up as I always thought it was a few of them, it’s only today I am sure it’s just the two of them and I’m not sure how to bring it up to him. I’m also not sure if I will look controlling if I said it made me uncomfortable. I can’t stop him being close friends with a female colleague and wouldn’t want to but I’m worried it will end up more than that. I have anxiety as it is and sometimes fall into a depression so I am a very paranoid person and dont always know when I am being irrational.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

[quote FebruaryJuly]@frozendaisy sorry, I must have wrote that wrong! He would feel uncomfortable... this happened at the start of our relationship 6 years ago when I still went for coffees with a male friend of about 10 years... he hated this so I stopped catching up with that friend, even though we had been friends since we were about 14...[/quote]
This is really sad and not how healthy relationships function.

[FossilisedFanny]

Work walks

[MrsColinRobinson]

It's perfectly valid to mention the acknowledged paranoia that OP suffers may be why DH doesn't share the truth - he's meeting a friend, who's a woman, alone.

The fact he also behaved unreasonably when you met a friend of the opposite sex is awful. That's a really unhealthy dynamic in a relationship.

Personal attacks on posters is also totally unreasonable.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@MrsColinRobinson

It's perfectly valid to mention the acknowledged paranoia that OP suffers may be why DH doesn't share the truth - he's meeting a friend, who's a woman, alone.

The fact he also behaved unreasonably when you met a friend of the opposite sex is awful. That's a really unhealthy dynamic in a relationship.

Personal attacks on posters is also totally unreasonable.

This. I've reported the PP whose personal character assassination is frankly bizarre and says more about them than about @Bluntness100!

To people in healthy relationships, it is baffling that you'd have to stop going for coffee with a friend of ten years plus just because they have a penis.

[Offside]

Thanks for reporting my post, first one ever!

If you care to read Bluntness posts you will see she personally attacks every single woman who has a suspicion about her DH - always calls them jealous and insecure and basically tells them to grow up. If course its reasonable to suggest the OP may be missing the mark but there’s nicer ways to do it. She likes to kick people while they’re down, not support them.

[TheChip]

I'd be suspicious about this, OP.
It must be really difficult for you knowing that you have issues from the past and you're trying to work out if this is at play, or if its a genuine concern.

From what you have wrote, I'd say there is a reason to be concerned. Its very easy to say "work chat. Work walk" as he knows that you're not going to think anything of it, only doing this with one other person isn't exactly work related is it.
He knows about her relationship to the point that he thinks her OH isn't very nice to her.

Could you go on the next walk with them? How would he feel about that?

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@Offside

Thanks for reporting my post, first one ever!

If you care to read Bluntness posts you will see she personally attacks every single woman who has a suspicion about her DH - always calls them jealous and insecure and basically tells them to grow up. If course its reasonable to suggest the OP may be missing the mark but there’s nicer ways to do it. She likes to kick people while they’re down, not support them.

Whereas calling someone old and boring is really civil...

And you're welcome 👍🏻

[Offside]

I never said I was being civil...she hides behind being honest well, so am I, her posts are old and boring.

Anywho, we digress. Sorry, OP! I hope it isn’t worse case scenario for you.

[ColdBrightClearMorning]

@Offside

I never said I was being civil...she hides behind being honest well, so am I, her posts are old and boring.

Anywho, we digress. Sorry, OP! I hope it isn’t worse case scenario for you.

To be fair, while I don’t disagree with your points about that poster, you called them old and boring. Not their posts.

[workshy44]

This would make me very uneasy. I have been the "cool" wife before, ala bluntness.. never again

It would be the reframing of the meetups as "work get togethers" when in fact they are entirely something different that would bother me. Also her confiding in him, this triggering his white Knight syndrome
The secrecy too.. why not invite you along or be clear it was just the two of them
I would be having a v frank conversation with him on this.. or as another poster says. Suggest you come along to the next one and see what reaction you get

[GotBeatenUp]

@Bluntness100, yes that's right. My ex and his friend were just friends. He was taking her out for meals and buying her presents because that's what mates do innit.

[crosshatching]

[quote FebruaryJuly]@frozendaisy sorry, I must have wrote that wrong! He would feel uncomfortable... this happened at the start of our relationship 6 years ago when I still went for coffees with a male friend of about 10 years... he hated this so I stopped catching up with that friend, even though we had been friends since we were about 14...[/quote]
This is the thing that always sticks in my throat a bit, this double standard. I think men and women can be friends, and God knows having friends at work can be the difference between making a living and trudging on miserably.
But if it's ok for him to forge these friendships it has to be ok for you too. I think it's really admirable of you to be open about your anxiety here, hope it all works out for you.

[caligulascatharsis]

I have male friends that I meet up with on my own and there honestly is no romantic attraction either side and not once has there been any hint of flirtation from any of them.

However, your DP is not being transparent with you about the intensity of his friendship, and has also drawn a line in the sand for his expectations of your friendships - how dare he.

[Geppili]

Op I would be very suspicious hormones or not.

[Not2Trust]

@FebruaryJuly - My husband developed a similar friendship with a work colleague quite a few years ago now, on further investigation I could see the messages between them were quite flirtatious and crossing the line, he became quite distant during that time too and I did have suspicions that something had developed between them, at the very least an emotional affair. He denied anything happened and said they were just very good friends, he stopped communication between them because he could see I wasn’t happy. If it’s making you uncomfortable then it’s not right.

[MsDogLady]

This doesn’t sound like a safe friendship. Deception is occurring. I wouldn’t be surprised if the distance you’ve felt has coincided with your Partner’s closer involvement with this woman.

They have an over-frequent level of contact, and he is using ‘work meet-ups’ and ‘work walks’ as cover to have alone time. This is in addition to their WhatsApp and Snapchat interaction and late night Zoom calls in his office. Her confiding and his advice and concern suggest a Rescuer/Damsel dynamic which, if strong boundaries are not in place, can be intoxicating and lead to EA territory.

I hope you will discuss your discomfort with him asap.

[PawPawNoodle]

I don't think there's an issue with it, and I don't think you should be letting your paranoia from previous relationships affect your current one. You say you assumed that it was the 3 of them which would tell me that he hasn't explicitly lied to you, you've come to that conclusion yourself. I wouldn't want to be with the sort of man that would abandon his friend that needs his support just because that friend is a woman, or because I'm doing mental gymnastics to come to the conclusion that he's deceiving me.

If he wants to cheat on you he will, forbidding him from going on walks won't stop it.

[Iflyaway]

However, your DP is not being transparent with you about the intensity of his friendship, and has also drawn a line in the sand for his expectations of your friendships - how dare he.

This.

No way would I let a man tell me who I can and cannot have a friendship with. (Been there). Especially not one I've had since the age of 14.... . Sounds very controlling.

[LemonsandOranges73]

Emotional affairs can creep up on people. It starts as friendship and there is nothing for the DH (for example,) to feel guilty about. But they know there is a connection so they minimise or hide the extent of their involvement from their partner and get deeper in their emotional involvement. I agree with others that the amount of contact with this woman, the lying by omission in failing to tell you it's just her and the unkind fiance are all red flags. Have an honest conversation with him. He may be feeling he's getting in too deep and be relieved that he can be honest with you at last and nip what could be a disaster for you all in the bud.

[Swordfish1]

I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all. And I know my dp wouldn't be comfortable if I was suddenly going on 'work walks' with a male colleague and not telling him.

The fact he hasn't told you I think is the most worrying. If he knows you have a tendency to feel insecure then surely he would've been upfront with you and told you about it and even asked you along to them. I know how you feel as I also have a tendency to feel a bit insecure and that is why dp tells me about any work meetups or events that involve female colleagues and also often invites me along too when its feasible to do so. If he was keeping meetups with one female colleague a secret, I'd definitely be asking why.

Can you invite yourself on the next one?
Also why on earth does he need to go on a work walk anyway? I kind of understand them all meeting for coffee as a work meeting, but different entirely if only 2 of them are meeting up. Why not just use zoom and include everyone?

[saltychocolateballs]

Dodgy as hell this is an emotional affair