My partner just beat me up

[K1ran]

Hi, I've been around for years but this is the first time I've written a thread.

This evening I asked my husband if he could try and lower his voice as every time he spoke, my child, who I had difficulty putting to sleep kept waking up. He blamed my other children saying how can I keep them quiet. So I told him that it wasn't their voices but his voice that kept waking her up. Next thing I know he has started swearing loudly and throwing things and kicking things in his way.
Initially I kept quiet and after a few minutes I told him to leave
He said he wanted his passport so I got it and gave it to him and told him to go. He started screaming some more and getting into my face so I lost my shit and for the first time in my marriage I completely shouted back at him in the same language he was using towards me.
At some point he smacked me in the lip.
All I remember after that is more screaming from both of us. He smacked me in the back of my head and also grabbed my arms. I called the police and he said go on call them. I'll see what they will do.
The police came and arrested him.

I am absolutely petrified. I dont want him back in the house. I have small children and I'm afraid of them being taken away from me.

I haven't told my family. I don't know what is the right thing to do.

If the CPS go with a charge, make sure theres bail conditions that hold until court. Ask your case officer about a domestic violence protection order or DVPO. Courts can put on restraining orders to replace the bail conditions. You only need to look into a non mol if he doesn't get charged with anything. If hes not on the tenancy or mortgage, tell them you want the key back and them to pick up his stuff or can you drop it at the station and make sure they tell you when hes released. Ask for an information marker on your address aswell. Its not your fault because you stood up for yourself, good on you for doing something about it and getting him out of there. Dont feel sorry for him and retract your statement, he did this, not you. He didnt spare a thought for you when he was hitting you.

And yea great advice here
Sorry of course hold off on the non mol and see what the bail conditions are

I went through this
Was petrified with kids under age of 2
Stay strong

Block all contact
Be gentle with yourself
Well done on calling police
It took me a long time to get help

Great advice on here too
Many good people helped me on this site xxx

Your children will not be taken away from you because of what he did. It is OK that you shouted back, social services won’t take your children because of that.

Social services will care about the children’s safety, and where there is domestic abuse that means they want to be sure the abipuser is kept away from the children.

Where children are removed in cases of domestic abuse, is when the mother keeps getting back with the abuser. The best thing you can do, if social services do get in touch (I think the police are obliged to let them know) is assure them that man is never, ever getting into your lives again.

I know most people panic at the idea of social services, but they actually exist to support you and the children. Don’t worry.

You have done EXACTLY what SS would expect and put your children first. You didnt lie, you didnt try to tell them to hide what he did, you got him out and kept them safe.

I was an abused spouse and it was made clear to me that having him back would be the issue, not getting rid of him.

It sounds like you have been living with abuse for a long time, but you havent realised it was abuse until he raised his hand to you. Lying, shouting, neglect, name calling, keeping money, you not feeling that you are able to answer back....these are all classed as abuse.

Dont take him back. Tomorrow you will wake up, scared and lonely and willing to hear his apologies. I was there once too. Dont make the mistake I did because he eventually tried to murder me by strangulation.

Thank you all so so much for tour kind words and advice.
Sorry I just feel so out of sorts.
The police called and said they will be over tomorrow to take a statement. I know if I don't give a statement and he comes back home, he will think oh nothing happened to me and will more than likely do the same thing next time he loses his temper. He has severe anger management issues and has been getting progressively worse over recent months.

The police officer mentioned the DVPO and said that will last 28 days and then it's dependant on my statement.
I will take pictures in the morning as a record.

I have family who will support me 100% but I didn't call anyone to come tonight. Mainly because everyone is currently unwell in one way or another and I didnt want to dump my issues on them, even though I know they would of come.
Thank you all again for your kind words
He has beat me down so much over the past year that I feel as if I'm somehow to blame for all of this

You're not to blame. It is never acceptable. Ever. Protect your children,do not (by taking him back) have their formative years have them think this is okay.

It's not. Thank you for doing what you did, you absolutely did the right thing.

OP you have done all the right things.
As a child protection social worker I just wanted to say don't worry about your kids being taken away.
Stepping up and protecting your kids is all that is asked of you.
Talk to the police and take it from there.

@snowliving thank you that's reassuring. I will be telling the police everything that happened. I've never ever been in a situation like this.

Even him getting visitation rights is scaring me. He has no patience with the children and loses his temper with them at the slightest thing

OP I agree with snow . If you are protecting your children, you wwon'tbe doubted.
I work for the police. Talk to them. Tell them you need an order. He has put you and your children in danger and they just want to know you wont facilitate that. They wont be taken away.
Dont let him manipulate you.

I’m so sorry. But you did the right thing calling the police. Tell the people whom you love and trust but ignore them if they try to give you any BS reasons why you should allow him back.
I hope that he grabbed his passport with the intention of leaving so you don’t have to see this abusive piece of shit again.

Don't worry about events that might not happen. Cross one bridge at a time.

You have already crossed the biggest bridge.

Make a full statement tomorrow, and ask the police for help keeping him away.
You need a Non-Molestation Order.
Also an Occupation Order.
The police can help and advise you in getting these in place.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/getting-an-injunction/
^A non-molestation order is aimed at preventing your partner or ex-partner from using or threatening violence against you or your child, or intimidating, harassing or pestering you, in order to ensure the health, safety and well-being of yourself and your children.

An occupation order regulates who can live in the family home, and can also restrict your abuser from entering the surrounding area. If you do not feel safe continuing to live with your partner, or if you have left home because of violence, but want to return and exclude your abuser, you may want to apply for an occupation order.^

Under new legislation, a breach of a non-molestation order is now a criminal offence; however, you should still be able to take your abuser back to the civil court for breaking the order, if you prefer this.

If you already have an injunction, you may have a power of arrest attached, and you can also have powers of arrest attached to an occupation order. These powers come into effect if your abuser breaks the order

SS will be notified and you can ask SS for help and support keeping him away.

Please contact your family and tell them you need their support.

Please also call 0808 2000 247 - Women's Aid - to ask for their help too. Leave a message. They will get back to you.

Wishing you strength and courage. Hug your children. They won't be taken away from you. Stay strong.

I’m so sorry OP. You’ve done all the right things so far. Hope the police are helpful tomorrow and that you’re able to call on a friend for support

That's just awful.

You have done the right thing.

Tomorrow ask both the police and your GP surgery for all the local support numbers for advice abs help you can get.

Call women's Aid for advice too. Arm yourself with knowledge and support in addition to your family. Get the ball rolling for financial help and change the locks.

You are going to get through this and be ok. He doesn't deserve you or time with your children if he acts like this. This is not what real love looks like.

You have been so brave and should be so proud of yourself. It's a lot. Hugs

OP, you've had some excellent advice on here, Blackeyed Susan's list looks especially helpful.

You are going to be feeling not only battered and bruised but also in shock at what's happened. Sometimes this makes us want to revert to the familiar and what we know, rather than face a scary unknown, which can mean going back to the abuser.

You are now, even if it doesn't feel like it, in a strong position. He is out of the house and you can keep it that way to give you the breathing space you need to process what's just happened and to think about next steps: look into non molestation orders, restraining orders and occupancy orders. My understanding is that as a victim of domestic violence, you are entitled to legal aid so please contact Women's Aid who will be able to provide both practical and emotional support.

There are also some useful DV resources pinned to the top of the Relationships thread. Please look into the Freedom Program and also read this book by Lundy Bancroft,
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Do not for one minute think that you are in any way to blame for your husband's actions. If he found the relationship intolerable, the adult thing to do would have been to tell you as much and to separate. Instead he has been inflicting his anger and rage on the whole family for years and the minute you tell him enough is enough, he becomes physically violent with you. He made that choice. Just as he makes a choice not to hit his boss or anyone else who might annoy him.

I don't know if he's likely to offer to go to anger management classes once he realises he's in deep shit but if he does, let him get on with it. Do not take him back on the promise of change. He might be able to keep up the good guy act for a while but he will lapse eventually and you'll be left walking on eggshells again, waiting for the next physical attack. The other thing to say is that if you do take him back, he will see that as your tacit acceptance of his right to punish you physically for daring to stand up to him. The next time he goes for you, it will be even more violent: for you and your children's sake, please keep yourselves safe and away from him. Children become adults in good time and growing up with an abusive and violent parent does untold damage to their self esteem and ability to form healthy and loving relationships. I doubt you would want your daughter(s) to end up with someone like their father.

All the best, stay strong and resolute and keep posting here for support .

I am so sorry. You have done amazing. I know how hard this is. You have looked out for your kids and yourself. Please be proud of yourself. I am proud of you

Speak to your family I'm sure they will support you and you need all the support you can get,talk to the police I'm sure he won't be able to come back to the house,are you pressing charges please do x

Speak to a trusted friend or family member. Do not go through this alone.

How are you feeling?
Stay strong

Please do ask for help
Awful thing to go through

Sorry all for the late reply..
Thank you all so much for the adv. I feel completely clueless so will make notes off the things that have been mentioned.

I made a statement to the police. They said that as its an unwitnessed assault he probably won't be charged. Which I kind of expected. He is out in bail and came with police escorts to get his things. The kids miss him.

Even though this is so so so hard, I know in the long run it's the right thing to do. I did say to the police officer that I believe he needs anger management and they said that is something they will arrange when the dvpm is in place.
His anger has been getting more and more intense over the past 6 months.

I told my mum and brother and as they are my support bubble, they came over.

You have done the right thing. Take any support that you are offered and do not allow him back into your life.

well done for having the courage to give a statement. I know things are really tough right now but one day you’ll look back on this and realise it was worth it.

The police aren’t telling you the truth - it was just me and my ex in the house - I had a couple of bruises on my arms - he spent a night in the cells and was put before the court in the morning -he was given bail - not to return to the house - which he didn’t - he was in court - charged with 2 counts of common assault - given a suspended sentence - a fine - to go on an alternative to violence course - see a probation officer and I got a restraining order for life.
As he hit you on the head it is very serious.
I would go back to the police and ask them to charge him.
I’d suggest that it is due to COVID and the number of cases waiting trail that this is influencing there decision.
He’s shown his true colours - it is not your fault - he will not change.
Lean on your family - tell others - I keep it secret - I felt shame - it wasn’t my shame to carry. 💐

Well done OP.

You are a great mother.

Do not allow him back into the home.

This is who he is.

Unbelievable that the police would say that to you.

Of course he should be charged.

Ask the police to explain why?

Well done for contacting family.

@K1ran

Hi, I've been around for years but this is the first time I've written a thread.

This evening I asked my husband if he could try and lower his voice as every time he spoke, my child, who I had difficulty putting to sleep kept waking up. He blamed my other children saying how can I keep them quiet. So I told him that it wasn't their voices but his voice that kept waking her up. Next thing I know he has started swearing loudly and throwing things and kicking things in his way.
Initially I kept quiet and after a few minutes I told him to leave
He said he wanted his passport so I got it and gave it to him and told him to go. He started screaming some more and getting into my face so I lost my shit and for the first time in my marriage I completely shouted back at him in the same language he was using towards me.
At some point he smacked me in the lip.
All I remember after that is more screaming from both of us. He smacked me in the back of my head and also grabbed my arms. I called the police and he said go on call them. I'll see what they will do.
The police came and arrested him.

I am absolutely petrified. I dont want him back in the house. I have small children and I'm afraid of them being taken away from me.

I haven't told my family. I don't know what is the right thing to do.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Domestic violence is completely unacceptable.

If the police have bailed him whilst they pursue further enquiries then they should have imposed bail conditions preventing him from coming back to the house and attempting contact with you via any means, including a third party.

If he is charged with an assault upon you and bailed to appear in the magistrates court, again those conditions will stay in place and will remain in place until the case is concluded. If he is convicted or pleads guilty and you do not wish a reconciliation then you can lend your support to an application for a Restraining Order, which will have the same effect as the bail conditions.

Very best of luck x