How to have self love?

[adrianmolesmole]

I don't know where to put this thread so mods please move if it's in the wrong section.

I don't even know where to begin with this, but realise that I've never loved myself and that's why I act the way I do. I've always put on a 'mask' with people, I always put myself last, I always think if I'm unhappy it 'doesn't matter' because others in my life are happy. I have so many issues when it comes to relationships and sex. I can't move forward or make my life work out the way I want.

I watched this video today and it brought it all home to me, I do 8 out of the 10 things! It'll make more sense than me. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I75jn1lM-zM 10 Signs You Lack Self Love
]]

Where to even begin to gain self-love? I've had a sh!tty upbringing (hypercritical, gaslighting, controlling parents), which I know is the cause but I can't believe I've gone 49 years without fully realising that I don't love myself the way other people love themselves, and that's where I'm going wrong.

[ittakes2]

interesting video thank you

[Mulberry974]

This is interesting to me as my ex husband struggles to like himself at all. His parents weren't nurturing and were emotionally neglectful. My background was totally the opposite and I naturally look after myself and have a good sense of self. He seems to play roles in life and has made himself miserable in the process.

Since we broke up and with my encouragement he is now getting counselling. I think that's the only way through it. Good luck with everything OP

[Daphnesmate04]

Oh yes, a lot of this applies to me. Mid forties now and I've only just realised how hard I have been on myself.

Childhood of emotional neglect/emotional abuse and physical abuse. Oh yes, and I was bullied too relentlessly. I was ostracized. It is only now I am learning to speak to myself kindly. Asking myself what do 'I' want to do. The damage to my mental health has been immense. My anxiety has gone through the roof at times. It's strange for me to think that some people might actually like themselves. I can imagine their expectations of relationships would be very different. Wearing a mask is very pertinent to me. I think I am quite funny but I am also prone to being quite cynical and don't always radiate good vibes - probably because I am used to operating in a swamp of negativity. I have found a hobby I enjoy (I used to feel like the hollow woman). If anyone asked me what I 'liked' to do/eat etc. I don't think I could answer. I am not good in group situations. I have put this down to being hyper-sensitive. I just get lost in those types of situations and like to listen rather than talk.

[ExtraSettings]

I’m reading thread with interest.

I read this posted somewhere the other day. Mumsnet, Daily Mail, I can’t remember tbh:

“You’re supposed to love yourself. Self love is very important. If you don't love yourself you cannot expect others to love and respect you. So there is absolutely nothing wrong with self love. I know British society frowns upon this, but in many societies self love and self confidence is part of the upbringing. I think many problems happen in society because many people lack self love and self confidence”

[KOKOagainandagain]

Years ago I had a computer programme called Wild Divine - still exists but different company marketing it. Basically meditation with biofeedback.

There was one exercise where you did some breathing and held out your palms and focused on the movement of air you could feel and then imagined this to be your essential self that had always been there, knew your history, understood and accepted you and loved you unconditionally and meant you were never alone.

[crystalize]

@candlewhickgreen Your post was inspirational - thank you for sharing.

[Feelingchicken99]

A video about me, only 1 that’s I don’t do or feel 😢

[burntpinky]

I watched this and at least 7 of the 10 apply to me. Very sad.

[candlewhickgreen]

Thank you.

I just wanted to add that my physical environment is important. A few years ago I completely decluttered and read up about cleaning as I had no idea idea how to keep a clean and tidy home. I find that my home is reflective of my mental health, so I try to keep it uncluttered and clean.

Also sleep hygiene. Going to bed at the same time, waking up at the same time. I find your sleep patterns can really affect your mental health and I sometimes suffer from very bad insomnia, especially if I'm triggered.

I have loads more, but that's enough for now.

Glad it's helpful and you're doing fine, sweetheart. ;-)

[Donutsandjam]

@candlewhickgreen well done you are amazing you have been through a shit time and are coming out the other side
💗

[adrianmolesmole]

@candlewhickgreen I so relate. Self-care is something I was never taught properly when growing up. I was a complete mess as a teenager and I've had to teach myself basic things like shower every day, skincare etc. It's so true that you have to 'parent' yourself and it's so sweet that you call yourself 'sweetheart'. I'm going to try your tips as I think they're really helpful. Thanks

[candlewhickgreen]

I was severely neglected by parents incapable of loving or nurturing children. I was also bullied at school because I used to smell. I had no idea whatsoever, how to take care of myself. So I was starting right from the bottom of the barrel.

Things I've done to show self love and care, that I hope you find helpful:

1. Looked at my diet and started eating healthily.
2. Stopped drinking - I come from a background of alcoholism and my siblings are alcoholics or very heavy drinkers. I was using alcohol as to help me painful feelings, so I just stopped.
3. Stopped smoking
4. Got some therapy. I've had a range of therapy from CBT to Gestalt, to psychodynamic at various stages. I have no support system, so therapy has been crucial to me.
5. Self help books to learn boundaries and examine my co dependent behaviour.
6. Mindful meditation to help combat those triggering thoughts so I don't go down a rabbit hole.
7. Keeping away from toxic people. I have NO idea what healthy friendships or relationships are. People who have had some semblance of a healthy upbringing will know but I don't. So I have got into abusive relationships and friendships all my life. My boundaries are very blurred and due to severe physical abuse as a child, I'm frightened of standing up for myself so tend to be a people pleaser and a doormat. It's very, very hard for me to assert myself as I have complex post traumatic stress disorder and am easily triggered.
8. I tell myself that I love myself, frequently. I act like my own parent, so I call myself sweetheart and do kind things for myself. I gently chastise myself when I'm doing less helpful. I learned to change my inner dialogue through CBT. I try not to use 'should' or 'ought' etc I am very hard on myself because of my inner critical voice, so I try to catch that and change that.
9. I exercise. I try to keep myself healthy and look after my physical health.

10. I try to look nice, as it helps my self esteem and confidence. I wash my hair and have it cut, wear make up, wear nice clothes that are clean etc

It's an ongoing process OP. I am sometimes so fucking pissed off that I have such a lot of baggage through no fault of my own but it is how it is. I think a huge part of it is to be kind to yourself. I'm currently practising a lot of self compassion and kindness meditation as I have my flaws and can be critical and judgemental of others. I'm trying to be kind to myself and kind also to others.

What helps is telling myself that I'm doing my best and that's all I can do.

I hope that helps.

[crystalize]

@adrianmolesmole It really resonated with me and helped me to start healing and feel more secure in myself going forward. Theres also information on her website where you can sign up for weekly articles. Also look up Pete Walker Complex CPTSD from Surviving to thriving. He's a specialist psychotherapist helping adults traumatized in childhood. Lots on his website too.

Be kind to yourself, nurture you, read up on as much as you can. Don't be afraid to seek support from GP if you feel you can't cope(anti-depressants really helped me) and in time you can build up your self love going forward to lead a more fulfilling life x

[adrianmolesmole]

@crystalize, thanks so much for the book recommendation, I have downloaded it to my kindle. It looks like something that resonates with me. I have read books in the past on toxic mothers but they only go so far and are sometimes too general. I know emotional neglect is the reason I am the way I am. :(

[crystalize]

Hey OP so sorry you've been through such an awful childhood.
I urge you to read up about childhood emotional neglect by Dr Jonice Webb as a starting point. If you go down the counselling route be sure to find someone who is experienced in this.

[Norealclue]

@adrianmolesmole So sorry that you have gone through similar.We can now see the horrors of such behaviour and the lasting effects that come from it.
I feel I must make it clear though that my abusers were not my parents. I think it was much worse.

[adrianmolesmole]

Thanks everyone.

@noego *So you chose to be emotionally blackmailed by these people rather than be your self and because of that you now do not love your self?

It's a lifetime thing. Growing up being told you're rubbish every single day and having zero self esteem does deeper damage to a person more than you realise. When you're a child you take in everything your parents tell you. If they tell you you're a piece of sh!t you believe them. Even when you reject it consciously, subconsciously it seeps in and that 'information' somehow assimilates into your being as you get older without you even realising it. Low self esteem colours everything you do and how you react to life and the choices you make.

In the video the 'mask' thing - I did that a lot especially in my 20s and even 30s - I always acted around/mimicked(?) people, just to have friends but I wasn't being myself, but could never put a finger on what I was doing. I did become successful in having friends for a time but I was accused of being two-faced by my sister who thought that the only reason I had friends was because I was being fake. But it didn't come from a bitchy type of place, just from crippling insecurity and even self-hate.

If you are aware of these behaviours like wearing a mask and putting your self last so other people are happy then how come you cannot change these behaviours

I've only just realised it now from watching the video. I've always thought I had no personality because I act different around different people, I pick up from them and copy their behaviours, I never knew why I did that. I thought I was just weird. It's lack of self-love that started it, definitely. I've always envied those people that are exactly the same around every single person they meet. Oh to be that secure! I've never been like that, not since I was a child anyway.

What it meant to me was self respect, not accepting being treated less than I am worth, not accepting other people's negativity in my life, acknowledging both my positive and negative attributes and working on the latter

This is what I struggle with - I've always accepted less and struggle with boundaries. I 'forgave' my parents for everything when I was in my 20s because I thought that was the 'adult' thing to do, but I think I did that too prematurely because the older I get the more I am aware of the damage they did.

I think I'm going to try counselling as I don't know how else to gain this thing called self-love.

@Ilovethesummertime @Norealclue @LadyPenelowee sorry to hear that you relate to it too

[Hopingtobeamum]

Following

[Norealclue]

@noego I have walked away. I have a whole load of plans for my future. I had my own thread in AIBU and have taken on board many pieces of advice

[coronaway]

I'm pretty sure most people can relate to nearly all the points outlined in the video.

[LadyPenelowee]

Just watched the video, can relate to all of it

[noego]

So you chose to be emotionally blackmailed by these people rather than be your self and because of that you now do not love your self?
You say you love these people and yet they show you no love, you also say you know how bad that makes you feel when someone is abusive and therefore you would not be abusive towards them nor should you be.
So why is it you abuse yourself by not loving yourself? I'm sorry to be blunt be it seems like a double whammy. You are being abused and you are also abusing your self.
Is it time to walk away from the abuse you are receiving to then work on how not to abuse yourself??

[Norealclue]

@noegoo In my case one of the reasons I could not stand up for myself was that if I did not do as I was told/expected and not complain I would not have been able to see certain people who although I knew they were doing bad I still loved them and hoped they would see what they were doing to me and others was not right.
Another reason is that there had been physical attacks and emotional abuse and I can not fight nor would I be emotionally abusive as I knew how bad it made me feel

[noego]

If you are aware of these behaviours like wearing a mask and putting your self last so other people are happy then how come you cannot change these behaviours?
Are you frightened of making the decision to be your authentic self?

[Norealclue]

@Eckhart thank you. that is so nice,