Divorce, AIBU?

[1strangerthings]

Hi there,

I work for the NHS in corporate services, which has been a minefield recently around contract issues, COVID etc, taking exams.

Now, I admit I could have helped out a bit more. Wife works 30 hours a week, I do 37. Generally, I may cook twice a week, I'll wash up and do the occasional load of washing etc.

I've been sleeping downstairs as I snore, the wife will wake up, wake me up and go downstairs in a bit of a huff.

Before this, she kept telling me her heart was set on a new Kitchen, so I paid my savings into a new kitchen.

She woke me up at 02:00hrs in the morning to tell me she wanted a divorce. She says she knows I have watched porn and I said 'yes, I've watched it occasionally'.

I am now in receipt of divorce papers and I am having mediation (financial and childcare) chasing me every day, but this has all happened in the space of just over 2 weeks, so my head is spinning.

We put a deposit on the house with my money. During some PTSD compensation from the army, it went off to pay off her credit card. And it was my savings to spend on the kitchen. She has now said I will pay the mortgage, provide CMS and will have my daughter every other weekend and should count myself lucky I'm getting that.

The divorce petition is unreasonable behaviour, because I don't do the housework.

The bank have said only I can manage the bank repayments going forward. My parents have offered over half the equity to pay her off. She's 'not getting it' and thinks I am trying to trick her. She's not very switched on financially and I am not crippling myself by trying to pay rent and mortgage at the same time indefinitely, it's not feasible.

Her sister thinks she's mad, but it has got to the point where it is endangering their relationship. I'm worried about the effect it has on my daughter and have asked if we can talk things through, or seperate first without going through divorce, but she's admanet. She has a habit of fixating on things, and then realising the grass isn't always greener. She refused to talk to her mum for 2 years and thinks everyone is talking about her.

I see marriage as a partnership, but I think she has too many unrealistic expectations (flowers every other day etc). I don't think she realises sometimes it is hard work.

I'm just a bit shell shocked. I've been doing more (I never knew she was so unhappy), but Saturday she takes our daughter out, Sunday I have her.

When I said we would have to talk about the house, she said she would report me for domestic abuse. ALthough she now accepts that was an overreaction.

She's asked today, if I can make a soup. I'm just very confused where this has all come from. I'm not perfect, but this seems to have come from nowhere.

[MessAllOver]

It's not like I work in a factory and can just roll out the door once the bell rings.

Worth bearing in mind that, if you share care 50/50, this is exactly what you will have to do on your days.

[TwentyViginti]

@stout

Excellent advice.

No point riling up the lady loonies on here eh.

[stout]

Or separated dads which isn't on mumsnet

[stout]

Mate if you want some sensible practical advice try a site like Dadsnet.
Your comments have made me chuckle though, well done for challenging the loonies on here head on.
Clearly something is amiss with your wife and it will come out in due course and it might not be pleasant...

[BillMasen]

Mate you’re not coming across well at the moment so if I were you I’d dial back the stuff about dating, TVs and perhaps have a think about how you could be (seem) a less focussed on running her down

It’s a female heavy site, and yes some will always blame the man but you’re handing it to them in a plate at the moment

I know it’s tough. Get some proper legal advice and yes, you don’t have to roll over financially or access wise.

If you stay on here you’ll get some good advice and support, some blame and abuse. If you want the former then read the room better

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

I don't get the amount of attention though re-dating? I'm not interested at that moment and I don't understand the appeal to women, when I going through all of this.

To be fair I think this was due in part to you bringing up that women had expressed interest in you, so people were responding to that.

As I say the relationship has clearly got toxic and it sounds like a blessing that one of you has confirmed it needs to end.

[carlaCox]

Meh, it's just people picking fights and then getting butt hurt when I respond back to them

I'm not really sure what you're hoping to achieve with this thread. You were asking AIBU and then got very upset when people said YABU. I don't know you, your wife or your relationship but from what you've posted on this thread you don't sound like the nicest husband in the world.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

None of that was clear from your post ! I think it's clear you don't like each other much and that if she hadn't filed for divorce you could / should have. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise so you can both be the best version of themselves.

She wanted it fixed before you were able to do it. She found someone who she presumably thought was going to be able to do the job. In a healthy relationship someone would have felt protective over their partner being in the house with someone aggressive with a hammer... but you felt annoyed it was a problem for you to resolve.

It's indicative of an entirely toxic relationship on both sides so divorcing is absolutely the right decision for you both.

Hopefully you can both put your daughter first and come up with a solution that best benefits her.

[1strangerthings]

@PaterPower

OP - you’re just baiting with your responses now. That’s not going to lead to anything more than further insults / flaming.

I get that you’re hurting. My exW cheated on me and initiated a separation. That was a huge shock to me and it took me a long time to get to a point where I could be more than icily civil with her.

Some tips, if you want them...

Listen to your solicitor and be guided by their advice. Don’t allow yourself to be badgered by your wife and definitely don’t commit to anything until you’ve discussed it with the solicitor.

Consider carefully what you want to achieve and how you get there. Is 50:50 realistic? If it is, start establishing (or reinforcing) a pattern of behaviour now; eg school pickups and drop offs on “your” days, cooking and washing etc for your DC, whilst you’re still in the same house.

Don’t date for at least 8 months. Seriously. It’s the biggest mistake I made. You won’t be ready, no matter what you tell yourself and your dates. Concentrate on your DC.

Meh, it's just people picking fights and then getting butt hurt when I respond back to them. I get it a lot of people bringing their baggage into it.

I don't get the amount of attention though re-dating? I'm not interested at that moment and I don't understand the appeal to women, when I going through all of this.

[1strangerthings]

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I don't get the TV repair story, am I being thick? If my partner came home to a guy with a hammer having a freak out he wouldn't think of it as something I had caused that he had to resolve, he would check I was ok and then calm the guy down. As would I for him if the roles were reversed. I'm not saying that in a sarcastic way OP I just genuinely don't understand what you mean to tell us about the relationship dynamic and why you felt she had caused something for you to 'resolve' in that story?

I'm one of the first to be frustrated when I feel poster are interrogated and judged unfairly just for being male, so no irons in this fire.

Because most people don't disbelieve their partner and then hire a complete random off Facebook into the family home.

If it was reputable tradesman or word of mouth fine, but not a complete stranger.

[IndecentFeminist]

You don't sound like you want to be married to her any more anyway tbh. You don't seem to think much of her. In fact you seem to speak of her as a little child like "another situation for me to resolve", eye roll, pat on the head etc etc. As against a team.

[PaterPower]

OP - you’re just baiting with your responses now. That’s not going to lead to anything more than further insults / flaming.

I get that you’re hurting. My exW cheated on me and initiated a separation. That was a huge shock to me and it took me a long time to get to a point where I could be more than icily civil with her.

Some tips, if you want them...

Listen to your solicitor and be guided by their advice. Don’t allow yourself to be badgered by your wife and definitely don’t commit to anything until you’ve discussed it with the solicitor.

Consider carefully what you want to achieve and how you get there. Is 50:50 realistic? If it is, start establishing (or reinforcing) a pattern of behaviour now; eg school pickups and drop offs on “your” days, cooking and washing etc for your DC, whilst you’re still in the same house.

Don’t date for at least 8 months. Seriously. It’s the biggest mistake I made. You won’t be ready, no matter what you tell yourself and your dates. Concentrate on your DC.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

I don't get the TV repair story, am I being thick? If my partner came home to a guy with a hammer having a freak out he wouldn't think of it as something I had caused that he had to resolve, he would check I was ok and then calm the guy down. As would I for him if the roles were reversed. I'm not saying that in a sarcastic way OP I just genuinely don't understand what you mean to tell us about the relationship dynamic and why you felt she had caused something for you to 'resolve' in that story?

I'm one of the first to be frustrated when I feel poster are interrogated and judged unfairly just for being male, so no irons in this fire.

[PicsInRed]

"The wife" is a mumsnetter. I'd put money on it.

[1strangerthings]

@SteelMack

"Funny story, a few years back, she wanted the TV mounted on the wall, but the feature wall was hollow and couldn't support the bracket. She thought I was being lazy, so found someone on Facebook who came in to do the job and ballsed it up. I walked into my living room, with a large, one eared man having a 'freak out' with a hammer in his hand.

Turns out the wife had told him I was from a nearby town, which is where he had lost his ear in a pub fight. That followed with him not realizing the wall was hollow led him to having a panic attack.

That was a great experience for me to resolve."

What on earth is this all about? What's the relevance?
To be honest you're sounding like a complete knob and if this is the sort of shit you spout when things aren't going your way I'm not surprised 'the wife' is divorcing your ass!!

Could be worse.

I could be married to you.

[SteelMack]

"Funny story, a few years back, she wanted the TV mounted on the wall, but the feature wall was hollow and couldn't support the bracket. She thought I was being lazy, so found someone on Facebook who came in to do the job and ballsed it up. I walked into my living room, with a large, one eared man having a 'freak out' with a hammer in his hand.

Turns out the wife had told him I was from a nearby town, which is where he had lost his ear in a pub fight. That followed with him not realizing the wall was hollow led him to having a panic attack.

That was a great experience for me to resolve."

What on earth is this all about? What's the relevance?
To be honest you're sounding like a complete knob and if this is the sort of shit you spout when things aren't going your way I'm not surprised 'the wife' is divorcing your ass!!

[IndecentFeminist]

How much of her salary does she pay in?

[1strangerthings]

@IndecentFeminist

With that financial disparity you won't be 'bankrolling' her. Given that she works 1 day less than you (and significantly fewer hours by all accounts) her actual earning power isn't much less than yours. I would suspect that if you get 50/50, so split the childcare pick ups
etc and she is able to pick up an extra day if she wants to you'll be pretty equal financially.

At the moment you very much seem to see your money as yours, without a 'shared pot' so to speak so it probably won't feel very different? I know we have had shared accounts since pre children and have both been the main earner at different times so the thought process of 'hand in pocket', 'my savings' etc is very alien.

We have to do it like that. My wife is excellent at lots of things, but is not financially savvy. I keep money to one side for broken washing machines, help her out with the MOT etc. She crashed her car a couple of years back, so I brought her a new car.

I pay a third of my salary into a joint account. I also pay separately a number of bills.

Her earning power is significantly less when you compare hourly rate.

I lost my job a few years ago. I was still expected to pay all additional bills etc.

Funny story, a few years back, she wanted the TV mounted on the wall, but the feature wall was hollow and couldn't support the bracket. She thought I was being lazy, so found someone on Facebook who came in to do the job and ballsed it up. I walked into my living room, with a large, one eared man having a 'freak out' with a hammer in his hand.

Turns out the wife had told him I was from a nearby town, which is where he had lost his ear in a pub fight. That followed with him not realizing the wall was hollow led him to having a panic attack.

That was a great experience for me to resolve.

[Hopoindown31]

Sounds like you are going through a tough time at the moment. Why on earth you would post on here to get even more hassle is beyond me... This is MN and most on here will think you are at fault because of what is in between your legs regardless of what you say.

[IndecentFeminist]

With that financial disparity you won't be 'bankrolling' her. Given that she works 1 day less than you (and significantly fewer hours by all accounts) her actual earning power isn't much less than yours. I would suspect that if you get 50/50, so split the childcare pick ups
etc and she is able to pick up an extra day if she wants to you'll be pretty equal financially.

At the moment you very much seem to see your money as yours, without a 'shared pot' so to speak so it probably won't feel very different? I know we have had shared accounts since pre children and have both been the main earner at different times so the thought process of 'hand in pocket', 'my savings' etc is very alien.

[1strangerthings]

@caringcarer

I have a cleaner twice a week for 2 hours each day. She cleans child's room and changes bedding. Cleans child's bathroom. Hoover's across landing and down stairs, Hoover's lounge, fining room, kitchen and down as traits cloakroom. Steam mops hall, lounge, kitchen and downstairs cloakroom. Cleans top of cooker and worktops. Polished dining room table and coffee table and damp dust's wooden units in dining room and lounge. All this in 4 hours. So your wife could easily do that and cook 3 meals in 7 hours. You could easily throw on laundry and load and unload dishwasher a few times each week. As others have said you could go for 50/50 care of your dd. Your home will probably be valued and one will likely buy the other out. Nice if your dd could continue to live in her home. If you earn similar amounts and have 50/50 care don't think you will have to pay your wife anything. Obviously you will.need to do more housework or hire a cleaner, cook more or order takeaway and do stuff with your dd not just leave her to.play alone.

Thanks for the positive message.

Financially, without paying for joint holidays, the takeaways, my hand always in pocket, for breakfasts, fast food etc I will be significantly in pocket even when accounting for child maintenance, which would be minimal.

I'm on about £20k more, likely another £5k more in a few months, but solicitor has said spousal maintenance isn't an issue.

Probably will just clean it myself, but I'm already doing the housekeeping for the last couple of weeks. Wife was bored on SUnday, as I had already clened/hoovered everything (and did a better job to be honest). I reckon 5 hours a week max.

Next door neighbour's daughter is a cleaner, so may just pay her.

[AspiringAmazon]

My partner is also an NHS accountant. He’s working from home at the moment (we both are) and he cooks most nights and we split taking the dog out for a couple of hours during. A decent work/life balance can be found.

[1strangerthings]

@ADelicateFlower

For the record- your situation is remarkably similar to mine, right down to the accusations of financial abuse and the snoring. In the end I had to gently direct my ex to his free half hour with the solicitor, because he was also misinformed. I got 80-20 share of the house and we have 50-50 care of DD. So don’t be too certain of things. Get informed.

I saw two solicitors of my own. The first gave me advice about how to divorce his sorry ass off. But you know what? Despite what you and your crony male friends think in this thread, I wanted him to be looked after, and on the advice of the 2nd solicitor, sat with him to help him type up some unreasonable behaviours together. We had the happiest divorce in town, and he is an exceptional ex husband.

Not all wives are aggressive, shouty, money grabbing biatches, as you have suggested. But you have to remember that Mumsnet will mostly have that - mums - and porn-using, snoring, disengaged husbands will most likely get short shrift on here.

Best of luck.

Unless there is something significant missing here (pension provision, i.e. he had a decent pension, you didn't so he gave you equity in exchange), this smacks as being untrue unless he's a bit clueless.

[caringcarer]

I have a cleaner twice a week for 2 hours each day. She cleans child's room and changes bedding. Cleans child's bathroom. Hoover's across landing and down stairs, Hoover's lounge, fining room, kitchen and down as traits cloakroom. Steam mops hall, lounge, kitchen and downstairs cloakroom. Cleans top of cooker and worktops. Polished dining room table and coffee table and damp dust's wooden units in dining room and lounge. All this in 4 hours. So your wife could easily do that and cook 3 meals in 7 hours. You could easily throw on laundry and load and unload dishwasher a few times each week. As others have said you could go for 50/50 care of your dd. Your home will probably be valued and one will likely buy the other out. Nice if your dd could continue to live in her home. If you earn similar amounts and have 50/50 care don't think you will have to pay your wife anything. Obviously you will.need to do more housework or hire a cleaner, cook more or order takeaway and do stuff with your dd not just leave her to.play alone.

[1strangerthings]

@ADelicateFlower

To be fair, I did talk about how many hours we are contracted to work, as opposed to how many hours we actually do.

Wife is contracted to do 30 hours, but likely does about 20 hours in reality.

I'm contracted to do 37 hours, but likely do around 50 hours.

Sounds like your wife has worked out how to work smartly. Maybe you’re -consciously or subconsciously - avoiding home life.

My ex did this, too, so he wouldn’t have to do any chores around the house. It wasn’t a good partnership, tbh, especially as my career was vvv similar to his.

I'm an NHS Accountant, literally working against the biggest pandemic since the Spanish Flu.

It's not like I work in a factory and can just roll out the door once the bell rings.