I give myself to men so easily and I don't know why

[happilyever]

I’m not sure if it’s because I think I have nothing else to offer. I normally have sex with a man either on the first or second date, even if I don’t really like them or think it will develop into anything. I’m not addicted to sex or even particularly enjoy it unless it’s with someone who I have very strong feelings for. A man who I dated a couple of months ago made a couple of comments about how that’s all I talked about and he found it a bit off putting that I put out on the first date (even though he still had sex with me 🙄, but that’s for another conversation).

I’m currently talking to a man from work who took me out on a date last week. We didn’t have sex and after the date he pretty much ignored me, even after saying he wanted to see me again. I saw him yesterday morning and he said he would text me but didn’t so I messaged him being a bit flirty and basically making it clear that sex was an option which obviously got his attention. He hasn’t stopped texting me since. I don’t have feelings for him or even really see it going anywhere as I know he’s a big drinker, which I’m not. I do find him attractive though.

I think I have sex with men in the hopes that it will make them want to stay and it will eventually turn into something more serious, which of course it never does and then I feel like shit because they’ve found someone else. I live on my own in a lovely little flat, work full time in a decent job and have my own car. I don’t think I’m particularly pretty though and I have put on a lot of weight over the last couple of years. I use to be really slim. I’m not sure why I do it to myself, I just don’t think I have any confidence. My mum has also recently made a few comments about how I behave towards men which has confirmed my feelings in a way.


Has anyone else been through something similar? I'm 25 if that makes a difference.

[Faith50]

Happilyeverafter

I was grateful for the attention after being told I was ugly over and over again by pupils at high school. I gained my worth by sleeping with men, I deluded myself that I must be attractive if they wanted to sleep with me. This stopped when I met my dh, however the shame and guilt returns every so often.

Counselling really does help.

[Mermaidwaves]

OP I am exactly the same as you, its massive low self esteem and feeling like its the only way to make a man stay with you, when often it has the opposite effect.

I have a great relationship with my dad but was in an abusive marriage from a young age where he put me down daily. Since separating I've slept with a few fair men and I can say there's only been one I actually liked!

I'm also a big girl and not conventionally attractive so I feel like sex is all I have to offer. I feel used and dirty afterwards and the men lose interest straight away. This has been so interesting to read as I can totally relate.

[happilyever]

@Faith50 this is exactly how I feel. I can relate to every word you've said.

I'm sorry you went through this

[Faith50]

I did this from my late teens to mid 20's. I had low self-esteem, thought I was unattractive and slept with anyone who showed interest regardless of whether I fancied them or not. I felt dirty and used afterwards. I believed sleeping with men would keep them interested when in fact they would lose interest or keep me as a FWB. I felt I had nothing else to offer: I was average looking, not overly academic or intelligent.

I had no self value, did not think I was worth more than that.

[thecatsarecrazy]

its low self esteem. I'm the same. I basically meet 1 dick head after another, know they're wrong for me but put up with it because I feel like that's all I'm worth. I'm currently being treated like a mug by a narcissist and I still haven't blocked him. He is an absolute pig of a man. Talks to me like a piece of meat, treats everyone with disrespect but I'm still answering his calls and doing everything he asks. I'm 39 and should know better

[HollowTalk]

I think if you were happier about yourself then you'd make wiser choices. What about spending the next six months without dating anyone and watching a ton of TED talks etc on how to raise your self esteem? Go on a health and fitness kick as well. Once you feel better you'll see those men for the idiots they are.

[happilyever]

Also, I've just realised I never answered some of your questions. I have no relationship with my dad. He and my mum divorced when I was around 5 and contact stopped shortly after that. I have a good relationship with my step dad though, he's done a lot for me over the years but he didn't come into the picture until I was about 14.

[happilyever]

Thank you all so much for your kind comments. I deleted all social media last night, feeling a bit lost this morning without it. How pathetic is that? I'm sure it just takes time though and I'll get use to it eventually.

Had a really rubbish night, pretty much cried all evening in bed and then went to sleep around 1am. I'm on annual leave at the minute to until Monday which isn't great as I'd prefer to be in work to keep my mind busy.

I just want to curl up on the sofa and stay there all day. I texted a friend last night who's asked me if I want to go for a walk later this evening to get some fresh air and have a chat so I might do that and hopefully it makes me feel a bit better.

[Toadstool54]

Oh OP. You're not useless.
Get off social media - I did that 5 years ago, guess what real friends stay in touch anyway, and you just don't see the shit anymore. Do it now, you won't regret it.
You messaged your ex for a validation fix, to feel better. I agree with PP, you need to do some work on why you are looking to men for your self worth.
And confide in your friends or family. I'm sure you'd want them to do the same in your position. You don't have to carry this all on your own.

[TiggerDatter]

Oh OP, you sound so dejected, I’m sorry. I second seeing the GP and deleting social media. And counselling too. I think you are feeling particularly down because of your ex, he sounds pretty nasty. Can you swear off men for a couple of months while you regroup, and reach out to at least one good friend?

[user1471565182]

25 is I think an age lots of people struggle at- they suddenly feel a bit aimless and anti climatic after what they've been promised about the world going through education-do you think thats a part of it? you're looking for excitement?

[user1471565182]

I would delete social media to be honest, but find a way to keep in contact with people regularly first.

[happilyever]

Thank you @category12 I think I would benefit from speaking to someone but I just feel like I always have to put up a tough exterior and just get on with things

[category12]

Could you speak with your GP? You don't need to tell friends and family if you're not ready to, but you do need to get some help with how you're feeling .

[happilyever]

I feel like I need to delete all social media because it makes me feel worse. I am constantly comparing myself to other women and it makes me feel like shit. I can't compete with them I will never be pretty, slim or funny etc

[happilyever]

I'm sorry everyone for not replying sooner. I've felt very down today. I think I am depressed but I don't want to tell any family or friends because I know they'll worry. I've always been the type to just get on with things and put my feelings to the back of my mind. I just feel so worthless, fat and ugly and like I have nothing to offer. I know I seek happiness through men and not myself which is my biggest problem.

I contacted my ex earlier to say I felt depressed and he blocked me.

I just feel useless and so lonely

[category12]

It sounds like you have low self-esteem and seek validation through sex. If it made you happy, then there wouldn't be a problem, but it clearly doesn't.

Was there abuse or exploitation growing up? I know for me I had some issues that led to some self-destructive behaviours as a young adult.

It would be worth engaging with a counsellor or therapist to work out what's going on for you.

[ginandtonic324]

I don't see anything wrong either with having sex soon if you fancy the people you are doing it with and enjoy it.

The fact that you seem to do it as a way to attract their attention or to exercise some kind of power over them, without really enjoying it and feeling badly afterwards, is what you should be addressing here.

Personally, I don't fancy men that easily, never did but when and if I did, I would rather have sex soon and not be waiting and playing games forever. If you are not enjoying what you are doing, you should change tactics. Get to know your body, what turns on you, what really turns you on in a partner.

Try to make yourself an more interesting person by finding hobbies or reading, so even when you have sex with men soon after meeting them, they come back because of you and not because of the sex only.

[DianaT1969]

I also think that for the sake of your career you should try not to date men you work with. It usually gets messy and you can't avoid them easily.
Definitely don't take it further with the drinker. You know he isn't right for you. You don't owe him anything. Just let his texts fizzle out and don't agree to another date. If he pushes it, say you've realised that you changed your mind and no hard feelings.
I think you sound very self-aware and will do well in therapy.

[Toadstool54]

Do you even enjoy the sex OP? Do you orgasm?
I think you know why you do it, you've already told us I think I have sex with men in the hopes that it will make them want to stay and it will eventually turn into something more serious
You're looking for love, which is no bad thing, but you know you won't find it this way.
The next time you meet someone nice, dare yourself to wait. What's the worst that can happen? They won't see you again? Well then you know they weren't interested in anything serious.
How do you spend your time (outside lockdown!) Do you have friends, hobbies? What do you enjoy doing outside work? What are you good at? It sounds like you're looking to men to get your validation and feel good about yourself, which to me suggests the absence of other sources of happiness.

[Alys20]

Put some fun and creativity in your life (very hard atm, I know, but not impossible).

What are your true hobbies and deep interests? Pursue them instead. When you are doing something long-term emotionally fulfilling and non-risky (ie not sex) you won't have the time for unfulfilling relationships.

[Windmillwhirl]

I dont think it's necessarily about what you learned about relationships growing up. You are lonely, you want someone to love and want you.

These men offer a possibility of alleviating that for you, as you see it, so you behave the way you do in the hope they will stick around and fill that lonely void within you.

I second counselling to work on your low self esteem. X

[WitsEnding]

I can identify with some of this (when I was your age). I think counselling would be well worthwhile and help you focus on what you really want, long and short term.

Your post is a little bit confusing, in the example of the man from work you are trying to make him want to stay ... but you don’t want a relationship with him anyway because you can see he’s a bad prospect. Better to want the bad ones to stay away, and putting on weight can be a way of achieving that.

It’s very unlikely that anyone who is looking for a serious relationship will want quick sex, and if they do they will take it as a signal that you are not the one. Should you decide you aren’t really looking for a relationship- there’s a lot of fun to be had, but it should be fun.

Never have sex when you don’t feel like it, whether that’s down to not fancying them, being too tired, knowing they aren’t right for you - you don’t owe them anything. Bear in mind that if you are easy to exploit, word gets round and the wrong people will seek you out. (From experience).

[honeylulu]

I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex early on if you want to (and practice safe sex) provided you are ok with the idea that it may not lead to anything more.

However, I am really struck by you saying you have sex you don't enjoy (and know you won't enjoy unless strongly attracted). Plus you're doing it to try and make the man want a relationship that he might otherwise not.

Neither of those things are good. No one should have sex they don't really want, and no one should use early sex as a bargaining chip to try and engineer a relationship that might not happen otherwise.

The language you use is telling. You talk about sex very passively - giving access to your body as if it's something you have done to you rather than participate in.

If you're on a date with a man he must have some level of interest! Why not use the time to get to know each other and see what flows. If you sense his interest ebbing, give up and go onto the next one rather than offering use of your body. You're only 25, you must have lots of opportunities!

Please try to develop your self esteem. It will help a lot, I promise.

[Bunnymumy]

Oops, my bad.
But yeh he's obviously only after one thing then.