How to break a trauma bond?

[flowersrain]

I have (finally) realised that I am trauma bonded to my ex and that is why I stayed in the relationship for so long (19 months) and didn't have the self respect to leave sooner. Objectively, i can see there are many reasons why he was not a good boyfriend. Some of them are:

• never making me a priority
• being completely unable to talk about feelings
• having no value for relationships or meaningful connection with others
• being unhealthily obsessed with money, and stingy with it
• making dismissive comments to put me down
• not wanting to know or comfort me if I was upset
• not wanting to spend extended periods of time with me
• turning things he had done wrong around making them my fault
• constantly downplaying my value and the value of the relationship whilst I tried to show him that I was 'good enough' to be his gf, have a future with etc

We have been broken up for 3 weeks. Objectively I can look at this list and see he was all wrong for me, yet due to the trauma bond I still miss him and the relationship and I am getting SO FRUSTRATED with myself.

How do I break this trauma bond? I am not in contact with him - no way will I be feeding his ego by messaging him - but what else can I do?

[flowersrain]

@YuletidePizza Thank you so much. I've felt a bit flat today but seeing your message has really helped - it's so lovely to know have your support

[YuletidePizza]

@flowersrain glad you're making steps forward! Hopefully as time goes on you'll think of him less bumble BFF sounds fun

[flowersrain]

@YuletidePizza thank you the day was hard but I felt brighter in the evening. It was the first evening I have spent by myself since it happened - I have been going to my mum's in the evenings as WFH and lockdown meant that I wouldn't be seeing anyone and being with her helped the aching loneliness that I feel. I am proud that I managed the evening by myself, it feels like a step forward.

I am doing my best to focus on the future and create a new life. I have joined bumble bff to make new friends (I have friends but they are all coupled up and I think I need some single girls around me right now) and joined some groups on meetup that I will hopefully be able to go to in the new year. I want to try to enhance my life rather than dwelling on how empty it currently is.

I have been online dating, but I am very wary. I am not ready for another relationship but I have enjoyed a couple of socially distanced walks and they have reminded me that there are decent, genuine men out there. @Temporary1234 I am currently having therapy to prevent this pattern happening again. I would love to have another relationship but I have lost all trust in my judgement since I ignored so many red flags with my ex. I have only had 4 sessions of therapy and I can see where I went wrong so I'm hoping that this will help me to not make the same mistakes again.

So yesterday was all in all a good day. Today? Who knows. It can be so up and down! I find night time the hardest. During the day I have control of my thoughts so if my mind flits to him and the nice times we have together I can balance it with the times he was thoughtless and emotionally abusive. However, when I'm trying to sleep or if I wake up in the night, those thoughts are much more difficult to control.

Progress is slow, but I think (hope) I'm getting there

[YuletidePizza]

@Temporary1234 you are right, getting into another relationship quickly can be quite damaging longer term, as choosing someone to fill an emotional need, rather than because they are the right person, is not a good idea.

[Temporary1234]

it proves to your emotional side that you can and will find someone new

But it’s also very tricky because often victims of abuse ends up rebounding and using new relationships to move on.. whixh usually mean they were making an emotional decision and overlooking other types of red flags that otherwise they would’ve avoided.

But I love the way you describe how trauma bond makes you look back with rose tinted glasses on the relationship because you’re emotions desperately want you to go back there.

So strange

[YuletidePizza]

@flowersrain I know what you mean, one of the hardest things I've found is that when they've gone it feels like it was an 'amazing' relationship. Its like there is a battle between your rational common sense and the panicked emotional part of your brain!

Strangely I have found over the years that dating again can be very helpful, it proves to your emotional side that you can and will find someone new. Easier said than done in lockdown! Being busy and distracted at work also helps, do wfh also a pain!

How are you feeling today?

[flowersrain]

@Temporary1234 I have also cried a lot. I'm tired of it. I suppose it's good that we are feeling our feelings rather than burying them though. It sounds like you have got a good handle on your situation

@YuletidePizza thank you I do return to the list pretty much every day and I keep adding to it! My brain does like to flit to the good times unfortunately. I have been sorting out my house, seeing friends and I am back on dating sites and have met a couple of guys but I'm struggling to find a connection/spark like the one I had with my ex.

[YuletidePizza]

I think you are doing well to have blocked/ignored OP!

Write your list and add examples from your relationship, how he let you down, maybe do a flowchart of this cycle. When you see it in black and white it is a good reminder if why you had to end it to break the cycle.

I would recommend doing lots of things to improve your life to feel better - declutter at home, start going for long walks listening to music, buy a new outfit or make up. Chat to potential dates on dating sites. Whatever may work for you

It is very hard as your brain is addicted to them and their validation, but time and keep referring to your rational reasons to end it, rather than the emotions keeping you there, should help x

[Temporary1234]

I have that bond..

I allow my self to cry when feeling guilty, cry for the fact I wanted to be there for that person and give them the happy life they wanted... I cry for them and what we have lost..

But I remind myself that they have put me in this conflicted place of having to choose between two basic needs.. my sense of security. Be it physical or mental or emotional, and their happiness..

I have the right to protect myself and it is very very sad that it comes at the cost of someone else.. but they’re ultimately responsible for that because they broke boundaries of respect and dignity within the relationship.

Crying out the guilt helps me.. but reminding myself I have the right to not live in fear to a point of clouding my judgement where I can’t even be the person I want to be or the relationship needs in the first place...

I have the right to protect my mental health. It’s very very sad indeed.

I wish the other person well but they need to resolve their own issues and I won’t be at the receiving end of them refusing to do so.

That’s as far a conclusion I’ve reached

[flowersrain]

@ChristmasFluff thank you. He is now blocked, it just feels a bit mean - he's not a bad person and wasn't intentionally a bad boyfriend so it seems a bit harsh but you are absolutely right - him contacting me only sets me back.

In some ways I wish he'd been overtly abusive or cheated or something so that it would be easier to hate him and cut him out. In reality, despite his outward appearances of his confidence and his big important job in the city etc he is just a little boy who is afraid of feelings and can't deal with emotions and I feel sorry for him really.

[ChristmasFluff]

You have to treat him like an addiction, because in essence that is what a trauma bond is.

Not blocking him is like leaving your number with a dealer. The dealer will keep on contacting you and you are therefore completely reliant on willpower to not take a hit.

Why do that to yourself?

Block him everywhere. And if you won't - get really honest with why you won't. As you have seen, granting him access to you makes you feel worse. Why do that?

Block, block and block some more.

THAT'S how you break a trauma bond.

[BlenheimOrange]

Well done.

[flowersrain]

I didn't want to block because I felt like that would end things on a sour note but him reaching out and saying stupid stuff like that - when HE was the one who ended it - was really just not at all helpful

[flowersrain]

@notsurewhattodo22

How long have you been NC?

I found it hell at first but a couple of weeks have passed now and it's easier. The worst thing I did was keep in touch.

I haven't messaged in 3 weeks. He has reached out twice, the most recent time being Wednesday when he said he misses me very much (aka is bored and lonely because of covid). I was doing well and hearing from him set me back emotionally for a day or so ('if he misses me maybe he'll want to get back together', 'why is he messaging?' 'is he regretting his decision?' 'could we work on things?' etc), so he is now blocked.

[notsurewhattodo22]

How long have you been NC?

I found it hell at first but a couple of weeks have passed now and it's easier. The worst thing I did was keep in touch.

[flowersrain]

I just wanted to come back to say thank you to everyone for such kindness and wonderful advice. I am so grateful to each and every one of you for sharing your advice/experiences of this and I have renewed hope that I will recover from this eventually.

[babbi]

As others have said .. it just time that will heal wounds ...
Lots of great advice on here ..

Try not to frustrated with yourself .. you’re human and have feelings... that’s ok ..

Be kind to yourself and take care ...

Good luck for the future

[funnylittlefloozie]

You've read enough to understand the trauma bond. Keep reading and thinking, and eventually you will see the light, and wonder what you ever saw in him. Just stay strong and trust in your head rather than your heart.

[pallasathena]

Mindfulness.
Get an elastic band and put it on your wrist. Every time the thought of him pops into your head, twang the elastic band.
Over a period of time you'll find yourself not 'twanging', as much as previously. It's used in cognitive therapy to train the mind to overcome unwanted feelings.

[JurassicParkAha]

I have realised that only time heals break up wounds. I think you've done very well to cut all contact, and even make this list - be proud of yourself and be kind to yourself.

Even bad relationships have good moments, moments of fun, moments of love - and you can't just rationalise them away, even when you know it wasn't right. Don't force it, trust the process, grieve your relationship, but also you are grieving the loss of the hopes and dreams you had of him. That is being human,

Lockdown doesn't help, too much time to dwell, isolation, uncertainty . But if you keep up the no contact and carry on with your day to day life, you will wake up one day and realise you don't miss him anymore. When you find yourself faltering, just re-read your list and remind yourself of all the unhappiness - memories are buggers - the good ones always try to float to the top. Don't let them. Good luck xx

[notsurewhattodo22]

Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl is a great book too. Read it...you will think it's about you...I did!

[notsurewhattodo22]

Seems to be the same traits with all of them doesn't it...

Not a priority
No consideration for feelings
Cold / detached/ dismissive

I think it confuses us as most people don't like attention unless it's from someone they care about. Narcissists enjoy it regardless.

[pyramidhead]

Mine was the same. Its taken me 8 months and Im still not right. I read a few books, including Women Who Love Too Much which I found the most helpful. I watched lots of YouTube videos on narcissism but that in itself was addictive and I felt it was eventually impairing my healing.
The best method is no contact. I tried to stay on the sidelines, even made a comeback. Nothing changed. People only change if they want to and if those behaviours you mentioned are in his nature theres not much chance of change.
Its very hard but completely block him everywhere.
Write a list of everything you can think of that he did and return to it when you feel like you miss him.
I think the turning point for me was when I saw him on a dating site and found he was messaging women whilst ignoring my messages. I just realised I could do no more. I had to maintain the dignity I had left. If they dont care about you ( dont care about your feelings, care if youre upset, youre not a priority etc) they will leave you at the drop of a hat anyway, and continue to use you as a doormat or fall back girl.
Stay strong, you will be ok.

[KylieKoKo]

It's only been 3 weeks and we're in lockdown so you don't have the usual distractions of seeing your friends. I think you need to give yourself a break.

[notsurewhattodo22]

With occasional niceness/ caring though ( like your text) to confuse the fuck out of us and make us doubt someone so 'caring' could be so mean.