How do you deal with 50/50 shared contact of your kids when it was Court ordered?

[Pebbledashery]

How does it affect you day to day?
Yesterday the Judge went against CAFCASS and ordered supervised contact in the community with my daughters violent and abusive father simply because he had such a vicious Barrister.
Resigning myself to the fact he may get 50/50 and worrying about the impact of our lives.
How do you deal with it when it's Court ordered against your will?

[Pebbledashery]

I think today I've accepted the judge ordered the minimal contact possible because its in DDs best interest.. Not because he's a brilliant dad. If he was a good dad he wouldn't need a vicious barrister trying to discredit me and him playing the victim. A good dad would be winning on his own merit.

[LaLaLandIsNoFun]

Yes, OP - that is most likely his plan. To break you down.

Do your best to not allow it (as I allowed it).

You and your daughter deserve better.

[Pebbledashery]

Do you know today is the first time I've felt exactly the same as I did when he was abusing me. He would go weeks stonewalling me and I tried every desperate attempt to her him to acknowledge me.. I didn't sleep last night and I couldn't eat today and I'm exhausted from all the crying.. He's made me feel like he did when I was being abused by him and its got to stop. He wants this hold over my life and I'm letting him. It's him that has the mountain of struggle to prove he's a good father.. Social services would not have let DD flee with me if there were any safeguarding risks against me. Its just being positive I guess. I can be positive outwardly but inside I'm crying. But it'll never stop if I continue to let him get to me.

[Pebbledashery]

No the independent social worker is only observing contact and providing reports on the sessions. He's paying for that. For her to write the section 7 it'll be about £20,000.

[LaLaLandIsNoFun]

@Pebbledashery - of course he’s going to claim he’s the victim - that’s what they do.

All you can do is state your case, backed up with evidence, cross your fingers and hope for the best - family court is that much of a crap shoot. And look after yourself so you don’t end up breaking down.

[CarelessSquid07A]

Isn't that what the independent social worker will be providing?

[Pebbledashery]

I'm thinking of what you're saying PP about a judge ordering what is in DDs best interest and being safely managed. I just would hope his behaviour is addressed and he's asked to address it before contact moves on. Is it likely a Section 7 will even be ordered?

[Pebbledashery]

@Smellbellina 😘😘. I know I think that's what took me by surprise that he ordered the interim contact.. BUT I'm listening to what PP said about it only being an hour and he's going to be completey supervised. I get to speak to this ISW at length so I will hope she isn't taken in by him. She has over 10 years experience in domestic violence so I would hope she makes the assumption that although he can prove he can behave in a supervised contact setting their behaviour is still deeply instilled in him and must be addressed and he has to take responsibility for what he's done.

[CarelessSquid07A]

They might do, you'll have to trust them to read everything available to them. If he does then as soon as he breaks the undertaking in any way apply for another nmo.

I'd imagine with the evidence you're suggesting its unlikely they'd trust him initially. The judges main priority will be safety for you all.

[Smellbellina]

She has a right to contact with her Dad

She has the right to contact with someone who has done this to her

He's shaken DD, force fed her, tried to starve her, forced water down her neck, pinched her, put his hand over her mouth and smothered her, called her a mistake, said he hated her, said she had mental health issues like her mother.

How is that a ‘right’? She has a right to be protected from physical and emotional harm.

[Pebbledashery]

There is a nmo in place but the hearing is being consolidated before we move to children's proceedings. He's trying to get it discharged. I bet the judge orders him to have an undertaking 😢

[CarelessSquid07A]

I would follow a DV solicitors recommendation on that. I would imagine an order to prevent decisions like education and travel would be a good idea but it might be a seperate proceeding.

The only order I have experience of is a non molestation with arrest warrant which worked well. But I know some abusers don't follow them.

[Pebbledashery]

@3rdNamechange exes solicitor filed a bundle last week but omitted all my evidence. My solicitor filed a bundle as well but included my evidence too. His solicitor gets to file the bundle for the fact finding which doesn't leave me hopeful. They are going to play every single dirty tactic.

[3rdNamechange]

@Pebbledashery

Its just that this independent is able to put her reports into his evidence. She has a masters in domestic violence and I get to have a conversation with her first so not sure what exactly to tell her. Her office said I am allowed to tell her everything.. Would that be the case if she's an independent?

Absolutely tell her everything. Write it down as well and give her a copy in case you get stressed and forget something

[Pebbledashery]

@LaLaLandIsNoFun well cafcass already had his sussed but the judge ignored everything in the letter. But I have hope for the fact finding. He's got to take the stand and swear an oath and he's going to just lie and say he's the victim.

[LaLaLandIsNoFun]

Thank the fucking lord you don’t end up with supervised contact only, forever, based on you let your abuser’s ability to wrap CAFCASS/social services/family court around their little finger. That’s how you cope.

[Pebbledashery]

I know. I do agree with you. Just in a bit of shock from yesterday. Is it worth asking for a prohibited steps order and a specific issue order at this stage?

[CarelessSquid07A]

Posted too quick!

Make sure you're both heard in court but keep getting on with your new lives!

[CarelessSquid07A]

He only gets what he wants if you let him. As you've said you've always known there will be contact ultimately it's unlikely that's what it's all about.

He wants you to be in a bad state of mind and for you to be thinking about it all and obsessing over it.

Allow him to have contact with your daughter in the safe way the court has agreed and don't pay him any other mind unless the court agrees unsupervised access. Then fight like hell.

By all means make sure you and your daughter are heard

[Pebbledashery]

Just stressed out because this isn't a genuine father wanting to see his daughter. This is a disturbed abuser continuing his control via the court system.

[Pebbledashery]

@Aroaringfire I believe you because I have a friend who had an ISW paid for by her ex and she just blasted him completely..

[Pebbledashery]

@CarelessSquid07A happy not to have his maintenance at all. I don't even get any yet but it's deduction of earnings from next month. I guess the section 7 is my only hope in that they recommend he do the DVPP. I guess a lot of what people have said are right in that a judge has only ordered an hour.. He blasted their requests for 2 or 3 hours.. I guess its just the way in which the hearing went felt like he got everything he wanted but the bigger picture is that he's still a risk.. He will have to accept and admit what he's done to do the DVPP.

[Aroaringfire]

@Pebbledashery the ISW is independent. ISWs specialise in providing assessments and reports in court cases where bias is claimed. The fact that your ex's barrister pushed for one doesn't change the fact that they're independent, subject to a code of ethics and required to take into account the full background. That includes the history and critically analysing things that don't add up (such as if your ex is Disney dad in contact but has an abusive history)
They're not just their to assess whether he can play nice for an hour.
Having an ISW could in the long run strengthen your case ie if they come to similar conclusions two the caffcass SW or the child's previous SW.

[CarelessSquid07A]

They usually have to prove consistent contact for a long period of time and often a judge would then amend things. It's unlikely to go up to that quickly and would usually change in stages if ever. But it's not something you should worry about now.

Are there criminal charges pending against him? That would likely have an impact on future contact and also your daughters opinion when shes older.

You also may find he would agree to not persue 50:50 if you agree not to seek maintenance. As 50:50 is the best way out of that...

[Pebbledashery]

@CarelessSquid07A but at some point he can ask for 50/50 can't he? I said to the first cafcass officer that my DD has only had me consistently in her life. He went up to a week a time without seeing her. She goes to nursery full time I work 5 days a week till 6pm.. I've moved on over an hour an a half away from him to be as far as possible as I could.. He doesn't know where we live or where she goes to nursery. Will cafcass and the court take this all into consideration?