Don't know what to do. Is my marriage over?

[Santasfuckstick]

I don't know what I want or expect from this post except somewhere to get my feelings out.

I think my marriage is over.

I deeply love my husband but we have a practically sexless marriage.

He absolutely adores me and has always had a much lower sex drive than me but the last year or so it's been pretty much nonexistent.

We have discussed it but nothing changes. We've been intimate maybe 5 times in the last year.

Truth is I absolutely love sex. He does when we do it but it doesn't seem to cross his mind otherwise.

The subject has come up time and time again and things may change temporarily but not long term and when we do have sex it's at my instigation.

It just makes me feel shit and I'm becoming resentful of it. It makes me feel like I'm bullying him.

I've read many a similar thread and the suggestion of an open marriage comes up but there's no way he'd accept that. And I'm not 100% sure I'd want to do that either tbh.

The annoying thing is in every other way he's the perfect man. And he really is. And a fantastic father to our 4 DC. And it seems such a trivial thing to separate over but it can't be that trivial if it's upsetting me this much can it?

It just doesn't seem to be something we can mend.

I just need to get the words out, even if it is to a nest of vipers

The problem has been on and off for years and I always push the feelings aside and think with my head that the marriage is brilliant in all other ways.

But how can a marriage be brilliant when one partner is so desperately unhappy?

We've been together since approx 20 and now we're late 30s.

I want to be married to him. I really do but we can't get past this can we?

Not without me making such a big sacrifice?

[YukoandHiro]

I don't disagree @GeorgiaGirl52 - in fact I feel the same as you. But let's not forget men do this ALL THE TIME(and of course suffer the consequences in terms of how their children regard them)

[AlwaysLatte]

It sounds like there's so much that is good that it would be a mistake to end it over that. From the other extreme you could be in an amazing sexual relationship with everything else being rubbish. It sounds like you have so much, it's worth trying to fix it it compromise somewhere. Sex counsellor, GP, talking to him, excellent sec toys etc etc

[minipie]

How exactly do you explain "I left your father and broke apart our family because I wasn't getting enough sex"?

It’s not even “not getting enough sex” though, as OP’s DH is happy to have sex if she initiates. It’s more “I could have plenty of sex but had to initiate it, so wasn’t feeling desired enough”. Honestly, OP, given how good you say things are in other respects, and given you have DC, I think you’re very unlikely to be happier alone (or find someone else who ticks all the DH boxes and this missing one).

[madroid]

How exactly do you explain "I left your father and broke apart our family because I wasn't getting enough sex"?

You don't have to justify ending a relationship to anyone. If you don't want it, you don't want it. End of.

If you felt like you wanted to explain to your dc, you'd just say something like 'I love your DF v much but we were better as friends and our relationship was more like that of friends than husband and wife'.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

@widespreadpanic

Your DH sounds like a good man and you two seem to be very compatible outside of the sex issue. I would never leave someone that was perfect in every way just for sex. I think as long as he goes along with it when you initiate then there shouldn’t be a problem. It seems he shows you he loves you in so many other ways outside of sex, so his low libido has nothing to do with how he feels about you.

I have to agree with Panic. You have a solution.
There are also four other people to be considered. How exactly do you explain "I left your father and broke apart our family because I wasn't getting enough sex"?

[Beentherefonethat]

Meet your sister op. This year we’ve probably had sex maybe 10 times.

[YukoandHiro]

How are you doing OP? Did you show him the thread?

[beingsunny]

I'm the same as you in my relationship, high sex drive, would happily do it every day! My DP however would probably be happy with once a month, I go through phases of this being a huge issue, I feel resentful, hurt, rejected and unattractive to him. I've tried talking, and that used to improve things for a while.

We almost separated a couple of months ago, and this was the root of the problem to be honest.

Since then, he has made more effort to be physically affectionate which actually helps and our relationship has improved immensely.

We are still only having sex 2/3 times a month but the affection and touch makes me feel like this could be a middle ground.

Anyway, my point was I read an article the other day which describes libido in different people. Suggesting there are some (me) who feel urges naturally. Others need to be open to a stimulus, it just doesn't occur on its own. So if when you do have sex, does he enjoy it? If so it may just be this slight difference which gives a different perspective.

I've liked the article below because understanding helped me.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/divorce-busting/201405/the-sex-starved-marriage-secret?amp

[Santasfuckstick]

Thank you.

To be honest I just think sex doesn't cross his mind.

When he has communicated before he admits it doesn't occur to him to do it. He says he wants to but it doesn't enter his thoughts.

I wonder if it's more he wants to want to iyswim?

He is physical. He doesn't object to being touched and is extremely affectionate.

Granted... I probably touch him more than he touches me. Just generally being tactile I mean.

He wants to hug and kiss me and I appreciate that. But I don't know if that's more due to a habit than a desire?

Also... I struggle with that sometimes. Because I want it to be more so it's sort of sticking the knife in?

I probably am coming across as extremely spoiled and very much like I just want everything my own way and to have my cake and eat it too. That's certainly not my intention.

We do have a great relationship generally and are fabulous friends. But every so often the lack of desire rears its ugly head and takes over and I can't see through the black fog. Does that make sense?

I've put a lot of thought into it. Believe me. And I just feel torn. Which is why I chose to post about it now.

I'll keep you updated.

[Purplewithred]

Is he interested and enthusiastic if you initiate? If so, I would say, can you be happy with that? I have very little interest in sex unless dh shows interest but when he gives me that look or that kiss suddenly things are different.

If he’s unresponsive then I would say that’s a different problem.

[EarthSight]

I feel bad for your angst. Trouble is, you can't make someone sexual who simply doesn't feel that way. I think you badly want to feel desired, seen, as well as having the actual sex itself. The fact that he has no urge to masturbate ever is not good in this situation. Does he even enjoy sex when he has it?

I wish you luck because it seems like you are well suited otherwise.

[Santasfuckstick]

Wow. I really didn't expect to get such a response and so many helpful replies at all.

You're not a bad bunch and the reputation isn't at all true . See I do have a sense of humour!

I don't even know where to begin with replying to everyone. So many posts!

I'll just send a short reply for now so you know I haven't left. I expect I won't sleep much so can reply better later on.

I think quite a few of you have made some very valuable comments.

Believe it or not I'd never thought if asking him to set a calendar date. Which when I read it seemed so blooming obvious! Especially because we love the Big Bang theory (we'll we did before it got shit) and that's exactly the situation that happened between Amy and Sheldon!

An open marriage is off the cards as is an affair. I honestly couldn't hurt him that way. It would absolutely devastate him.

I have truly been as blunt as a toddlers knife with him so I don't see how he can't see how I feel but you know what?

I think I may very well send him a link to this thread. I think he'd appreciate the many viewpoints and won't see it as anything other than me trying one more thing.

Thanks so much. I am feeling a lot better than I have been

[Weirdfan]

So what percentage of the time would you say he rejects you OP? I'm trying to work out whether it's more the lack of frequency that upsets you or the fact that he doesn't initiate?

I was on the other side of this and for my DH the fact that I didn't initiate made him feel unwanted and (his words) like a sex pest every time he tried to initiate, I just wondered if that's part of it for you too? I ask because the easy answer would seem to be for you to just initiate more often but that's no good if it's chipping away at your self esteem that you have to.

It took my DH actually saying the words 'you make me feel unwanted' and me understanding what that was really doing to him before I got it enough to not just dismiss it as him throwing his toys out the pram because he wasn't getting his end away. I'm ashamed that that's how I viewed it/him now, there were lots of reasons why we ended up where we were (I'm a rape survivor, we both had baggage from bad experiences/relationships, he struggles with communication, plus life, kids etc) but it's taken me a shamefully long time to realise it's about far more than orgasms for him so I just wonder whether your DH is actually still not getting what this means to you, despite your bluntness?

Maybe counselling is the answer in your case, I'm not sure what else to advise tbh but it might help him see how important this is to you if nothing else. In my case I came off the pill and my libido skyrocketed so that solved it for us but obviously that won't work in your case

Interestingly though as our sex life improved so did our emotional connection and intimacy and that's when I started to really understand what the previous few years had been like for him. We're on each other's side now (if that makes sense) in a way we weren't when sex was infrequent and I can see now how important physical closeness is to maintain that so i can see exactly why it's so upsetting for you.

I hope you find something useful in the replies you've had so you can figure out what to do next, I'd be trying everything you possibly can before you give up though based on what you've said about the rest of your relationship.

[Covidasaurus]

I left my husband after 20 years and this was largely the reason. I ended up having an affair so tbh that made it all a bit sordid and I got the ‘blame’.

Ten years later and I wish I’d done it earlier. Sex can be amazing, huge fun and such a bonding element to a relationship. Having a sexual relationship is life enhancing and gives me huge joy.

I lived without sex for a large part of my twenties and thirties - I wish I hadn’t. If I could go back I would have left and enjoyed myself!

I’ve no idea if this is helpful. BUT try to avoid having an affair if you can!!

[minipie]

He will usually go along with it. And enjoy it!

If that’s the case then I really don’t see this as a big problem. You are still able to have plenty of sex, which you both enjoy, as long as you initiate it.

What you are missing is the compliment, I guess, of him initiating. But if you are confident that he loves you and wants you - it just never occurs to him to make the first move - then this shouldn’t be such a big deal.

This is completely different from a sexless marriage or if you were getting rejected when you initiate.

[YukoandHiro]

@madcatladyforever While I have total sympathy for your situation and agree nobody should ever feel as you did in your marriage, the OP says her DH says he enjoys it when they do have sex. So the comparison is not quite the same

[madcatladyforever]

I think your marriage is over, it's unfair to make someone have sex with you when they are not into it.
My marriage was a reverse, endlessly horny husband, me asexual which got worse after time went on.
I got PTSD feeling like I had to have sex with him to keep the marriage going and was repulsed by it and now have flashbacks all the time which revolt me.
I can't ever live with another man. It's better to let a partner go than subject them to that.

[picklemewalnuts]

@ClaryFairchild

Hmm, does he lack spontaneity generally? If so maybe schedule some proper 'date nights' with the expectation that there is at least some sexual contact, some kissing if not sex itself. If he thinks about it, and can plan for the evening, he may be more in the mood for it?

I totally agree with this!

If he's generally up for it once you get started, just make it known that Fridays are the night.

It's not romantic or spontaneous, but it takes the pressure off and you get what you need.

My DH does everything on a schedule. Once it's in the schedule it happens. If it isn't, then it ain't.

[YukoandHiro]

I think @YoniAndGuy is absolutely right and gives great advice. As a separated parent to 4 DC you're very likely to have less sex, and less satisfying sex, outside the marriage. How important was sex to the relationship in the early years pre DC?

[WakingUp55643]

Hi OP. I feel I'm in a similar situation, but different in the fact that I definitely don't fancy my DH. No sex or intimacy for ten years here, and I too am dying inside. I'm 43 and should be enjoying a full sex life, but have had nothing since I was 34. The way he has gone on over the past, not showing an interest in me, banging on about political stuff he knows annoys me, letting me do all the housework, I literally couldn't go near him anymore. He doesn't even make the effort to brush his teeth. We have had the talk and he knows I'm not happy, but he seems content to carry on. He thinks the most important thing is that we are husband and wife and parents to our boys, and nothing should come above that. He's said that I'm selfish for putting my needs above those of the family. So yes, maybe I am selfish for wanting sex and frankly love in my life, but I do I stay frustrated and empty forever????! I am desperately unhappy, but feel like I'm being 'trivial'. I'm sitting here at work with heart palpitations thinking about everything. And that's not even mentioning last night's vegetable oil all over the kitchen floor situation. Long story, but I'm raging. The trouble is though, I keep the rage to myself, just to keep the peace.

[Hopoindown31]

Counselling may help you. It helped me and my partner when I was struggling with my libido. I appreciate that you are on the other side of this to me.

Each relationship is different, but a mismatch in sexual expectations is no less of an issue than a mismatch in any other expectations and it needs to be solved.

I understand, but find it troubling that there are some women who seem quite blasé about unilaterally shutting down their sexual relationship with their partner. Many men are crap at expressing their feelings in a constructive way and so often this will lead to anger, silence or other destructive behaviours that are used to further justify shutting sex down.

My advice is that if you are having problems with your libido, don't assume that your partner's silence is acceptance. If they are decent men that you want to be with, then you are likely causing then far more hurt than your realise if you are not be honest with them and discussing the situation properly at the very least.

[YoniAndGuy]

I wouldn't leave an otherwise good relationship with four children in the mix too, over sex. And I am being utterly hard nosed and practical about that, and thinking of absolute quality of life.

Because it is NOT an either/or decision. It really is very much not a case of 'If we split, I'd lose this brilliant relationship and have every single other bit of my life become harder and more complex (childcare, living arrangements, finances, splitting a house...) BUT I'd have a fulfilling sex life at last.'

It is very very likely to not be that at all.

Online dating and navigating the parade of weirdos.
Childcare and finding time to even date
Introducing new people to your kids

before you get to the sex and...

some would be good - for the night
some wouldn't call
some would be awful
some would be married
it is STRESSFUL - just read a few threads on dating when you are out of a marriage and a parent.

and...

they would not be your husband... which is actually what you want. You want good sex with this man who you already have this four-kids-and-years-together connection with and still fancy.

I just don't think splitting is the answer that will make you happy. I think it would be frying pan to fire, almost 95% chance.

But you can't stay unhappy.

Therapy. More of it. With him and without him.

Are you affectionate? Can you get to the point where you work with the fact that he is wired not to be, and so it's agreed that you take that initiative - cuddling, sitting together with contact and non-sexual intimacy - you initiate, and he is ok with it? If it's that too - that he would really rather not to be touched when eg you're sitting watching tv - then yes it's time to say to him - if you aren't prepared to adjust this you may lose me. He HAS to start meeting you more halfway.

Then sex. Same thing really. Every six weeks on agreement is not the most romantic thing ever. But if even that would be enough, then maybe that's how it has to be. You arrange. You initiate. You just tell him you're very unhappy and it needs to be more frequent and then you push ahead with making it more frequent.

What comes through to me is that this is about his Aspergers. Because you say that he will very usually go along with it and enjoy it. Now, it is completely understandable that you don't want to have to initiate every time, but perhaps what you might have to do is approach that in therapy until you can square the fact that you having to initiate is simply a function of how his brain works. That you might need to sit down with a calendar (!!) and literally say, for the health of our marriage we need to stop losing intimacy. NOT 'I need more sex' but we do. This is not about you being needy so it needs to be reframed into we and the health of our marriage.

It's a shitty thing to be stuck with - to be with someone whose wiring literally means that they just do not get the emotional impact of them not initiating and how demoralising and damaging that is. But I still actually think that if it were me, I would not believe that my life would be better off by splitting and I would probably elect to work with it and find a way to be able to push forward a more frequent arrangement.

[User74575762]

Google "responsive desire" - does this sound like him?

[YukoandHiro]

Have you ever been to marriage counselling with a specific sex/physical intimacy based angle? I would try this before you give up. Can you show him a version of your original post so he understands both how much you love him but also how important this is to your happiness? The part about him being sexier as he ages is a particularly nice touch as it shows how much you want that physical connection with HIM, not any random penis.
It's hard because sex is something nobody should ever feel obligated or forced to do, and yet also you say he enjoys it when you do so there's some hope. I have some sympathy as it's just not that important to me and I since they exhaustion and physical effects of two DC I literally can't be bothered with it and never feel in the mood but am always pleased when we do, and then feel guilty for not making more effort to meet DH's higher needs. But I'm very vocal and open about that. I can see how frustrating it is for you if he can't open up and explain how he's feeling.
Marriage is about compromise - to make it work you'll both need to find one.

[Anothernick]

I think he is not being fair to you here. A relationship exists, in part at least, to satisfy the sexual desires of both partners and if this is not being done then there is a problem. If he enjoys sex on the few occasions when you do it why can he not put a note in his calendar to instigate, say, once a month? He could pick a random date so you won't know when it is. Then if you instigate, say, twice a month, you are on the way toward restoring normal service.

You should not feel guilty or that you are bullying him, sex is a very important part of life to most people. LTRs are happier and more stable if both sides are happy with the sexual side, sex is often described as the glue in a relationship and I think there's a lot of truth in that (and I've been with my DW for 30 years). He should understand your needs and make more of an effort to meet them.