In Laws inventing problems AGAIN

[PrincessBuggerPants]

I have managed to remain suitably detached from my awful in laws, but they managed to make me see red this afternoon over the latest bonkers problem inventing fiasco.

My child's birthday is soon and they had asked what my child would like and we made a suggestion. They bought this. Fine, and nice of them. I am genuinely grateful.

However, we found out in this weekend's weekly Skype meeting that they took it upon themselves to assemble it, decided it was so hard to assemble that they refuse to disassemble it as they want to save us the trouble of reassembling it… This means it doesn't fit back in the box. They say they can't find another box it will fit in, so can't send it.

We suggested they drive it down to us tomorrow afternoon and see their grandchild before lockdown on Thursday. This is not possible because they are making some other bits to go with the gift and they aren't going to be finished by tomorrow. Lovely. So I (stupidly) suggested that they just send us those bits in the post when they are finished.

MIL immediately snapped that I 'obviously, really, really wanted to get my hands on this present'

I am seeing red as around this time last year we tried to organise Christmas with them and they kicked up a stink about not being able to fit us in with other family members who might (though they hadn't actually asked them yet) might also want to come. After pleading with them that actually we would all be able to fit in the house fine in various very straightforward sleeping arrangements, I (stupidly) suggested we might just come up on Christmas Day early in the morning and leave in the evening as they are just over an hour away.

You would have thought I had served them a shit sandwich. MIL was furious and when I asked her if she would rather we didn't come at all, simply didn't have an answer for that. Then, and only then did she concede she would ask the other family members if they were coming or not (they weren't). We went up for Christmas, had an ok time, and they bonkersness about her flap about sleeping arrangements was never mentioned ever again.

What do you call this behaviour?

It is worse than problem finding, it is problem inventing, but the problems are demonstrably not real. So it's not even shit stirring.

[callmeadoctor]

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

My in-laws got my son a cozy coupe for his birthday and assembled it themselves. They brought it around with a bow on it.

I was delighted. I didn't have to put it together while a impatient toddler climbed all over me. I didn't have to dispose of the huge box. Toy was ready for my son to get straight into and play with.

You come off as wanting there to be issues between you.

Excellent advice, lifes too short OP. Let it go (and leave for your DH to sort!)

[PostItJoyWeek]

Drop the rope.

psychcentral.com/blog/families-engaged-in-tug-of-war-how-to-drop-the-rope/

[S00LA]

@C8H10N4O2

What do you call this behaviour?

I call it behaviour DH can deal with in his own family.

Let them sort out how to send it, don't waste brain cycles on it. If they can't arrange it they can't. Ditto invitations - send the invite, if they don't want to accept then so be it.

This is EXCELLENT advice.

[CorianderLord]

Boondoggle? It means making work out of nothing which is of no value for the sake of being busy. They're boondoggling.

[PrincessBuggerPants]

@alltheusernamesarealreadytaken your scenario is not comparable to mine, nor relevant.

I would like to politely remind you this is not AIBU.

[TerribleLizard]

OP, I have my own version of your ILs. We will be greeted with ‘oh no, you’ve brought a bag, well I don’t know if it will fit in the car, everything’s already packed, maybe I could take my walking boots out of the boot, but I’d have to put them on my knee and they’re ever so muddy, I could wear them in the car but I don’t like to drive in them, well I don’t know what to do...’ and on and on, until I have gone to the car, found an almost empty boot and called ‘DP, your tiny will fit in the empty boot, we’re ok!’

[TerribleLizard]

People who flap about stuff like this are annoying, though. It doesn’t have to be your problem to solve for it to be annoying behaviour. Plus it builds up over time.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

[quote TerribleLizard]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken
OP suggested they bring it, but apparently they can’t bring it separately to some other things they haven’t made yet, so it won’t arrive in time for the birthday.[/quote]
So that's their problem then. I wouldn't take it on as a problem for me to try to deal with.

[TerribleLizard]

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken
OP suggested they bring it, but apparently they can’t bring it separately to some other things they haven’t made yet, so it won’t arrive in time for the birthday.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

My in-laws got my son a cozy coupe for his birthday and assembled it themselves. They brought it around with a bow on it.

I was delighted. I didn't have to put it together while a impatient toddler climbed all over me. I didn't have to dispose of the huge box. Toy was ready for my son to get straight into and play with.

You come off as wanting there to be issues between you.

[Sunnydaysstillhere]

Ils kindly offered to buy us a double buggy many years ago. But had to be of their choosing..
Dh asked them why their requirements were relevant...
Eventually they agreed to me tagging along on the shopping trip - but wouldn't say when that would be...

Dh gave them a suggested day and said otherwise we would just pay for one as I wanted to get out of the bloody house with the dc!!
Mil was 70, barely 5 foot and about 7 stone - no way was she gonna manage 2 x dc in a side by side buggy anyway!!

[unmarkedbythat]

They sound like tits who thrive on drama and whenever it is lacking, contrive some. Desperate to feel hard done by and offended. I'd have to laugh at them, loudly and often.

[MatildaonaWaltzer]

mine weaves such a complex web entirely of her own devising that it makes most communication entirely impossible. SHe will phone to arrange a time for a phone call and will then spend at least 10 minutes of the pre arranged phone call talking about how very busy she is and how difficult it is to talk, thereby not actually talking. When gifts or even cards are sent, they come with increasingly elaborate instructions on the envelope or packaging - details of how and when to open and then inside, on post it notes, on how to use whatever t. f. it is and when. It sucks any joy out of any of it.
DH thinks it's because she's so anxious to please, whereas I think it's because she's so anxious to control.

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

My friend invents problems that have elaborate solutions that only suit her or no solutions but as there's no real problem it doesn't matter. Everyone is supposed to commiserate with her on how awful whoever is deemed responsible is being and offer help or spend ages trying to come up with ideas to help.

The truth is she is bored and wants attention.

[Anordinarymum]

Oh boy. I need a lie down now

[AnnaMagnani]

In future I'd assume your child isn't going to get a present from them and work up from that. If they do get a present it will be any variation of wrong age/delivered months late/not what was asked for/some other form of inappropriate.

ILs: We can't post it as it doesn't fit in the box
You: Never mind, I'm sure you will come up with a solution
ILs: Come up with solution that is massively inconvenient to you
You: That doesn't work for us. Never mind, I'm sure you will come up with a solution.

Rinse and repeat.

[madcatladyforever]

They are being ridiculous end of... people on mumsnet are also being ridiculous and nitpicking over your post in the most ABSURD way.
Personally I'd just leave the problem firmly in their laps as they created it, and spend christmas at home for the peace.
I detest drama.

[DeciduousPerennial]

You need a name for the behaviour?
It’s called ‘being a pain in arse’.

If the imaginary/what if’ problems won’t have any impact on you then steer clear of getting involved, just keep half an ear out to make sure you’re not getting dragged into something without having any say in it. Try to get your husband to make non-committal noises and change the subject.

If it’s anything directly involving you (like Christmas) then do not get involved in solutions: ask questions instead (“have you asked them if they’re actually coming?”) and throw every attempt she makes to make the supposed problem yours back to her. It’ll be tedious and exhausting and enraging at first, and she will be fiendish and try to verbally outfox you and back you into any corner she can. But if you can do it right and show her - without losing your temper, but remaining logical and refusing to take ownership of her invented problems - that you refuse to back down she’ll eventually back off. This is all about control and attention-seeking on her part IMO. Don’t feed her.

The birthday present thing? Don’t engage. They bought it, they’ve buggered it up so it’s not postable in its original packaging, they won’t have finished making additional things before lockdown. Everything else is irrelevant. They CREATED the issue; they need to fix it. You KNOW anything you suggest will be shot down so don’t even try. When they start going on about it you say “that’s a shame. What are you going to do?” and stick to variations of it without offering any potential solutions or help.
“Sounds tricky. I’m sure you’ll work something out”
“Gosh, that’s awkward, what are you going to do?”
“How annoying! Still, I know you’ll get around it”
Etc etc etc
Until you are blue in the face
With potentially a bit of “I'm not sure, I can’t really think of anything” thrown in for good measure if they really push you. (Even if you really want to tell them to just buy a bigger bloody box to put it in and it’s their own damned fault!)

[lazylump72]

Pure control OP thats all it is...I won;t bore you with the details but my inlaws still have my daughters xmas gift sat at their house from last year..mainly because of well totally down to control issues. They live 160 miles away give or take a few miles but are retired..we both work full time and dd is in school but they will not come here so we trail there about 3 times a year (not at all this year!) and every september they send us a list of what they want for xmas,this is usually things that they would never buy themselves which in itself is so rude and cheeky but hey ho so we get the list,dh buys whatever is on the list and we get ourselves organised by october half term to see them and take gifts so they have them well in time for xmas..do they do the same no! They then leave it til 3 days before xmas ringing and carrying on about how they dont know how our dd is going to get her gift for xmas...this year I expected it and didnt fall for it so its still there as they wouldnt dream of posting it for her its too inconvinient for them. Forgive my french but they are just a right set of tossers in my book.If you cannot sort out xmas for a child then just dont bother ....I mean its not like you dont know its happening!!! Of course its all our fault for being difficult and of course its only an hour and a half down the motorway to there house so its not much...like I am going to do that after a 12 hr shift! They are greedy and want theirs and get them but cannot do it for a little girl ...well no more! Once you get your head around the facts of control etc then its easy to switch off and ignore.This year I have told them not to bother and we wont either due to the pandemic.They said I was being unreasonable . I say you are entitled to your opinion thats fine! Don;t be used OP . Taken me 10 years but I am done!

[Cimone]

She only cuts up like that because she knows it gets you upset. The way to treat people like this is ignore them. Instead of pleading with them about how to get it to you, should have said "well that was stupid! The gift is for a child that lives X distance away! What would possess you to take it out of the box and put it together for YOU to play with?" And if she got silly about it say "well obviously you didn't really want the kid to have it you just wanted something to create some shit about, so you keep that raggedy toy and we'll be fine over here."

As far as Christmas goes, that is for your family not her. So you schedule YOUR celebration at YOUR house to match YOUR schedule and if she doesn't like it too damn bad! Stop being so accommodating to her nonsense and put your foot down lady. When she gets outlandish just tell her that until she can speak to you civilly that you will not engage with her. Then hang up. Right in her face.

You are being far too nice and letting her run all over you. Time to stand up to the bully and fight back.

[katy1213]

Their gift, their problem. They can post it, deliver it themselves, hand it over next time they see you, keep it as a toy for their house - it doesn't matter, don't get involved.

[Cavagirl]

As my DM says, the devil makes work for idle hands!! 😆
They just sound retired and a bit bored tbh, so everything small becomes a massive drama.
The key to this issue is, if your husband is on the phone to them for 20 minutes talking about presentgate, why are you listening and getting so annoyed you have to intervene? Go off and do something else. Then when DH relays back - Oh dear they've done something stupid and now it can't get to us? What a shame. Well I'm sure they won't want DC to be disappointed and not to have it on their birthday.... I'm sure they'll work something out.
Make them own their own problems.

[wizzbangfizz]

My in
Laws are like this, well MIL is, she overcomplicates everything and makes things diff for everyone yet adopts a wounded fawn face if ever called out on it. I won't engage and we live far away so
It is rarely an issue so you have my sympathies.

[LilyLongJohn]

Stop offering solutions would be my advice. I'd say something like "Gosh, that does sound tricky! I'm sure you'll come up with a solution though, we're happy to help anyway we can just let us know what you need us to do."

Don't engage with it

This with bells on it

[YoniAndGuy]

They are just trying to control situations.

They want to feel that they are a big enough noise in your life and their son's life to be able to throw your day out. To make you have to think and rearrange. To make you be talking about them even though they're miles away.

Drop the rope!

Mentally prepare yourself for a worst-case scenario with them, make peace with it, and then enjoy - ENJOY - letting that happen.

So, presents. Assume said present won't appear for months, or will be something else, or will mean a visit from them, blah. Then refuse to engage. 'Oh, it won't go back in the box? Oh no! Well whatever you want to do about that is fine by us. Just let us know'

Inlaws: 'but blah blah hassle'

You: (smile) 'Oh I know! What a pickle! Like I said, just let us know if we can do anything to help'

Don't plan. Don't engage. Anything concrete, like visits, pass the phone and the problem to THEIR SON, refuse to engage with him either, until he gets enough shit heaped on him that he agrees that you need to take a firmer line. Easy for him to let it wash over him when you're taking most of the wave in your face instead.

Once he's on board, you can start drawing tighter boundaries.