Friends with benefits. What are the 'rules'?

[ChippyPickledEggs]

I haven't really done this before. I fancy him but a relationship isn't feasible/desirable so I'm up for giving it a go.

But I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing really. I never text him to chat but my most recent text specifically asking to hook up went ignored. And I felt pretty miffed. I would have been cool with him replying that it didn't suit him for whatever reason but now I'm wondering whether feeling miffed is appropriate for this kind of relationship?

I mean I totally understand why he may not have wanted to. We had only seen eachother a couple of nights previously and I did think it might be a bit soon. It's just I had a rare child free night so shot him a text...

Now I'm all, 'well I'm going to wait for him to contact me. If he wants to see me he can get in touch.' And then worrying I'm over thinking it all. Perhaps I'm not cut out for this type of arrangement, I don't know.

But anyway, my question is, do people who navigate successful FWB get fed up if a text gets ignored? Or would you consider it no big deal?

[ChippyPickledEggs]

VivaMiltonKeynes you may well be right. Oxytocin hits only last so long.

I was kind of talking about wanting to have sex again Bluntness, but I take your point and accept your premise. You're right that I ultimately wanted more than he did.

[Bluntness100]

Op, the fact he fancied you and wished to have sex with you I don’t think is in doubt.

The difference is in approach, you’re keen to spend time with him too, that’s a relationship, however you dress it up, that’s a relationship, and he does not wish this and is not keen in that manner, for him it’s sex.

Make no mistake, keen to spend time with someone and wishing to also have sex with them is wishing a relationship.

[VivaMiltonKeynes]

The sex hormones are wearing off @ChippyPickledEggs.

[ChippyPickledEggs]

Maybe it's just a fundamental difference in approach to sex and relationships Bluntness.

For me, I don't require commitment or exclusivity to enjoy spending time with someone. But I can't/don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't really do it for me. I've got to really fancy them. And if I really fancy someone I'm keen to spend time with them.

Some men (and women, I'm sure) are different. They can enjoy sex with anyone they find attractive enough (this bloke did tell a mutual friend he had a thing for me before we slept together so I know he does fancy me to an extent) and then switch off.

I'm definitely feeling better as the days go on. It stung at first but I'm making my way more towards a feeling of oh well. He really wasn't all that, he's not the only man out there, and I'm an attractive/decent person - I can find someone else to have (better) sex with.

[Bluntness100]

I think that’s the thing. In these relationships often one wants more than the other, snd they think by providing sex it gets them close to getting it. Where as the other is just having a random shag and saying what you want to hear.

[ChippyPickledEggs]

Also Evenmorefurious I don't view myself as playing games, more preserving my dignity?

What on earth would be the point of chasing him up? He's not going to magically transform into an emotionally honest, straight talking, compassionate friend just because I text again after a week going, 'wah wah why won't you talk to meeee.'

[ChippyPickledEggs]

How old am I? Old.

Old enough to have discovered masturbation SoulofanAggron It isn't the same is it.

[SoulofanAggron]

I've had FWB situations many times and without fail it ends up with feeling used and being treated with disrespect.

If you're that horny, I recommend a magic wand toy. www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/vibrators/magic-wand-vibrators/

[Bluntness100]

Op how old are you?

Men say a lot of shit to get women into bed. It’s what they say after, when they’ve walked away which counts.

[ChippyPickledEggs]

Yeah Evenmorefurious what you say does ring a bell. Definitely with the fear of rejection thing. I don't want to message again because what if he ignored me again? I would feel really embarrassed. I would feel afraid of him rolling his eyes to his mates and saying 'god this woman can't take a hint.'

Bluntness I appreciate your bluntness . Makes me feel like my people reading skills are way off though, which concerns me. Feels like I can't trust my own instincts.

He kept looking over when I was in the pub, kept walking past, catching my eye. He came up to speak to me and was looking for excuses to brush hands and get close. Asked me did I want a drink, did I want to come out for a cigarette, like he wanted to make sure I stayed in his company. It really felt like he was strongly attracted to me. Later in bed he said some very complimentary things which I won't repeat on here (too rude.) Then talked about us spending time together over the lockdown more than once.

I don't understand how I'm somehow supposed to take all the above and interpret it to mean, 'I can take shagging you if I'm desperate, but you're not that exciting and I don't really want to see you anymore. One text sent too soon and I'm out without so much as a bye or leave.'

Like, am I living in opposite land? Next time a friend says they want to meet for coffee shall I assume they definitely don't?

I just wish people would be a bit more upfront. I hate being left hanging.

[Bluntness100]

It is rude op, but He clearly doesn’t feel the same as you. He might still respond, he could have been busy, was thinking about it, was waiting to see if he has a better offer, or simoly it was not a priority for him and then simply he forgot to reply.

I think In reality wanting to see him so quickly again has likely concerned him that you want more. Even in the early stages of a relationship you’d not see each other every other day. It would be a lot.

So yes it would piss most people off being ignored. From his side he’s thinking “this is a causal shag and we very loosely agreed to see each other a couple of times over lock down, and she’s wanting to see me two days later.

It doesn’t excuse it, but you’re both coming at it from different angles.

I think he’s right though, you do want more. Even with him ignoring you you’d still jump to see him and as said your language is all swoony over him, and now you’ve moved into thinking about him and it too much.

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

I have had quite a few successful FWB situations - as in, we both got what we wanted, which was primarily sex but with a handful of non-sex dates, and we parted on good terms (and in one case are still friends but not close ones.)

In all of those cases I would expect "day to day chit chat" as a part of our interactions. If our only contacts were to arrange our next hookup, I'd consider that a FB (or bootycall if you wanna go old skool!) rather than FWB.

On a few ocassions, I've seen a message from them arrive, I've been busy and thought "ill reply to that later" and then totally forgotten. Either I will then realise and contact them saying "crap, sorry I forgot to reply!" or they will send a follow up "hey you okay? Haven't heard from you" message.

This kind of game playing with the "I'm certainly not going to message again" thing sounds like it comes from a fear of vulnerability. Like you don't want him to think that you like him more than he likes you. You want to be the one being chased, even though you don't ACTUALLY want him... You just want him to want you. Does that ring a bell?

If that's the case then I'd suggest you need to do some work on that fear before getting into a FWB or FB situation. Your fear of rejection will lead to this sort of worry and anxiety - you need to be in a place where if someone says "sorry but I don't want this anymore" then you're able to say "Oh okay, I'm disappointed, but hey ho, thanks for being honest, all the best."

(then you may go home and watch crap TV while eating ice cream under a blanket, but the important thing is that YOU KNOW that you will be okay.)

[MashedSweetSpud]

In future think of them as fuck buddies rather than fwb. This way you’re less likely to think of them as friends and more of what they really are, sex hook ups.

You’re in control. If they don’t reply to a message, block. Their loss.

Let’s face it it’s easy to find a man for sex. He’ll have a harder time finding a woman.

[Princessposie]

So my FWB situation escalated to a relationship very quickly, so I might not be best placed to advise but.. he text me frequently, would constantly ask if we could meet for coffees and got drunk at a rugby event and declared his undying love for me and said that he couldn’t continue a sexual relationship if it wasn’t going to go anywhere romantically

[ChippyPickledEggs]

Yeah I'm reading these comments and realising I have more thinking to do.

But back to the original question - surely an ignored message would piss anyone off? Or would someone who wasn't at all invested simply not care?

Personally I can't fathom liking anyone enough to have sex with them, but not enough to care about an ignored message. These two things are incompatible to me. That doesn't mean I want to commit to everyone I have sex with.

I think I'm a confused bunny tbh.

[Bluntness100]

Likely he will be back in touch at some point, with some excuse. The decision here is if you wish to be with him so much you take him ignoring you,

I think you need to be honest with yourself here on what you want, and you need to understand his feelings are not the same, so it is very likely you’re going to get hurt even more, particularly when he meets someone and starts a relationship with them

It’s never a good idea to be in a fwb relationship when deep down you really want more and the other person does not.

[ChippyPickledEggs]

You talk sense Bluntness. I have some stuff to work out. If he can ignore messages and ignored messages piss me off then clearly something is off kilter.

What will I do when he responds? I don't know. Perhaps this is it now? I know I won't message him - it's a matter of pride really. But if he finally gets in touch with me? I don't know. I don't like the way he does business. So ideally I would ignore back. But I would be lying to myself if I pretended that would be easy. I would probably want to spend some time with him.

[Bluntness100]

I think if you weren’t invested you’d likely not have jumped at the first chance to see him again so soon, even the way you talk about him is a bit swoony. So it’s smarting he doesn’t feel the same “magnetism” and desire to see you again so soon, and is happy just to ignore you.

So I suspect it’s ego and disappointment, as well as a feeling of rejection and humiliation because you thought he felt the same.

I also notice you keep saying a relationship is not feasible and less that you don’t actually want one, you say he’s not all that then talk about how it’s all magnetic. So you clearly do think he’s all that. Which is why you jumped to see him again so soon.

I think you need to think about where you go from here. What will you do when he responds,,will you see him again?

[Seatime]

He is treating you badly. You deserve better.

[Meruem]

For me the issue is, when they only get in touch when they want sex, you end up feeling used. At least I did, the one time I tried to give it a go. It’s not working if you can’t see them when it’s convenient to you. Yes there will be odd times when one or other of you can’t make a particular day but it can’t all be on one persons terms. That isn’t fair.

[ChippyPickledEggs]

I don't know if I do Bettereveryday1. I don't want a relationship. I just want him to be decent. I guess my question is: if I was truly uninvested would I care either way? But I think I might. As in, I would find it rude if anyone ignored an easily answerable text.

[SortingItOut]

@Bettereveryday1
Yes.....i have a high sex drive and each man offered me something different

Everyone knew and safe sex was always practiced

[Bettereveryday1]

You want a lot more and he doesn't. That's why you feel crap.

[ChippyPickledEggs]

I didn't meet him online, no. We met through an activity. There was a build up of a couple of months of heavy flirting and making excuses to hang around each other before we finally met up for the first time.

I definitely don't want a relationship. It just isn't feasible - for a few different reasons.

I do understand that it was a bit fast, I really do. I think you may be right Bluntness that he is assuming I want more. And I do want more I suppose. In the sense that I want someone who is not going to ignore my messages. I don't want a committed, exclusive relationship though.

[Nikhedonia]

I think it's possibly that you messaged asking to see him so soon after seeing him the last time. He's possibly worried that you are looking for more than a FWB arrangement.