Differences with DH widening

[Disillusionedsusan]

Just pondering today how the differences between us, which were once just a shy/outgoing thing, have absolutely widened to a big gaping chasm since DC and with the passing of time.. I love discussing things, trying to better myself, health, exercise etc but he doesn't have any interest and when he has a problem, say sleeplessness, he is completely down in the dumps but will do nothing to help himself. I suffered this for years myself but turned it around but he just nods and says yes I probably should do something.

With the dc he is just quite generally joyless. When he came into the playroom this morning, having had a lie in, he saw the youngest dc's colours on the floor where he'd been designing a shoe box and he kind of tapped his foot and sighed.. He'd tidied the room yesterday. When the other dc was complaining about a sort of welt on his wrist from his fitbit, he said 'What's wrong with you?' so impatiently. This is not who I am, how did this happen? When we were pre dc he was kind and content.. It's as if the very normal things that happen with dc are completely irritating to him. I'm sad, I'm disillusioned, this is going on years, I've spoken to him about mood and how he reacts so impatiently and crossly so quickly but I can't change him.. Turns out his own df was similar, sweetness and light now at 70 odd but living a carefree life without annoying dc might do that.. Just wanted to let it out and see if anyone felt similar..

[Disillusionedsusan]

Wow.. Thanks icebear.. Food for thought definitely. My dc1 has used some of the same comments when annoyed which dh finds incredibly cheeky but which I've pointed out are verbatim phrases he uses!! I wouldn't end up doing everything as he does a lot.

[widespreadpanic]

I’ve known men and some women that are like this. They think they should have children because that’s the next step after marriage and society says it should be. But the reality of it is not “fun” as the fantasy of it.

He may be depressed but if he isn’t then I would say that he just doesn’t enjoy being a parent like his father.

[Disillusionedsusan]

He's loves the perfect pics and when all is well. He loves the two but finds the totally normal hassles intolerable I think, goes from 0 to 100. Myself and dc are lazing here after I made them a nice lunch, we are watching a movie on a rainy day after sports for them this AM and I'm sure he's disapproving but I'm done with the sighs now.

[Mysteryon]

Have you spoken to him OP? Similar issues here but I hope it’s salvageable.

[vizlsapup]

Sounds like a perfectionist. What about him taking the kids out to do different fun actvities?

[Mysteryon]

Not a perfectionist in my case, far from it. He was just treated that way as a child and thinks it’s normal, says I’m too soft.

[OhioOhioOhio]

Life without joy is poisonous.

[noirchatsdeux]

@category12 post is so right...especially "Well really, is being treated like a nuisance and annoyance good for children?"

Both my father and mother were like this...but definitely worse when they were together. Mainly in part because my mother was so angry and pissed off at my father (for his constant cheating) but she didn't want the marriage to end so took it out on the 3 children neither of them had wanted in the first place.

For the last 10 years they were married my father worked abroad nearly 100% of the time - my mother was definitely a lot easier to live with when he was away, I used to dread him coming back on leave (and luckily he rarely did) because I knew it would mean tension because the household wasn't running in the exact way he thought it should be...it was such a relief when he used to leave again.

You really won't be doing your children any favours staying with such a joyless man.

[user1481840227]

What do you mean when you say he won't help himself when it comes to sorting out his sleeplessness? As someone who can be prone to insomnia sometimes you try absolutely everything and it doesn't work so you don't see the point. It's actually harder to take insomnia when you try to do everything right and still can't nod off. I suffered severely from insomnia last year and life was pretty joyless, you can't enjoy life when you are that exhausted.

Even if he can't help it that doesn't mean that you should stay with him though, you still need to do what's right for you!

[Anotheruser02]

My parents were like this, for my Dad it was pickyness over money spent despite the fact we were not hard up, just a general need to be frugal over any kind of comfort. My Mum I think was just bored of it all, she had 5 kids I was the last she'd done it all and it was annoying to still be doing it I think. There was just no enthusiasm and so much negativity.
They are different now, but I don't really know them or particularly feel like I want to. It's comes across as independence I think not living in their pockets but I just don't really like them very much.

[madcatladyforever]

I am absolutely convinced that most men don't want children and can't really be bothered with them when they arrive.

[BuffayTheVampireLayer]

"and what model of an adult relationship is it that you're giving them? Would you want them to have a similar marriage themselves in future?."

It's reading this on here that made me see I needed to end my marriage like yours OP. I am indefinitely happier now and my home is so much calmer as I don't feel the tension and constant irritation at the person I was married to.

[BraveBananaBadge]

Oh I feel this, OP! waves from spare room

I haven’t slept in same room as DP for a few years since he booted me out for disturbing him by snoring in my third trimester ffs 🙄. He now wants us back in bed together but I like my own routine now. My libido is gone and that doesn’t help - clearly a result of built up resentment but ho hum.

Oh God that all looks so miserable written down :(

[Disillusionedsusan]

No enthusiasm, that's exactly it! No enthusiasm for life and this is not new. Re the insomnia comment, believe me I know. I had 2.5 y without a single night sleeping through, post babies I mean, obviously I had long term sleep deprivation this years too. Isn't it strange I managed to keep a reasonable mood.. What I mean about doing nothing is he wouldn't be proactive in general about a problem. So for example if he wakes at 4am he'll turn on his phone. Won't try fresh air every day (will mostly have none), will eat late Inc caffeine, won't do the 'sit up and read' etc i do know it's excruciating but when I'm looking at someone who has their head down like life is impossible it's frustrating that he's not trying to help himself. Interesting others feel same. My libido is dead also.

[DisgruntledPelican]

So for example if he wakes at 4am he'll turn on his phone. Won't try fresh air every day (will mostly have none), will eat late Inc caffeine, won't do the 'sit up and read' etc i do know it's excruciating but when I'm looking at someone who has their head down like life is impossible it's frustrating that he's not trying to help himself.

I understand this, and it is so so frustrating. DP is very stubborn, won’t go to bed early if he’s tired (etc) and I just find it baffling to be so wedded to doing things in a certain way or refusing to take advice or seek help. I get what a op said about insomnia feeling very difficult if you’ve already tried a lot of things, but it seems like he hasn’t even tried.

Life is too short to be unhappy like this, though. Have a serious think about whether it’s worth putting up with this in the coming decades, because he probably won’t change.

[XEbonyrose1X]

My partner is abit like this too. Tired. Moans alot. Rarely gets excited.

It's always me who has to plan Christmas or work out birthdays.

Mines messy though. So you win with that lol

[Disillusionedsusan]

Hi DM is the same, lots of ailments and complaints but any solutions or plans to help are not considered. Would drive you mad. I think though it's that lack of enthusiasm which grinds me down.. It wasn't always so prevalent.

[LizzieSiddal]

When I read your discription of him- insomnia, low mood, grumpy, joyless, on anti depressants, it’s obvious he’s depressed and needs one to one counselling. So if I were you I’d give him an ultimatum- he goes and gets counselling, or you separate. (Can you afford a private counsellor because anything on the NHS will take months).

It’s up to you- do you want to give him the chance to try to put things right or have you had enough?

I should add I did this with my Dh. I knew he had childhood issues but he never did anything about it. One day I’d had enough of his moods and gave him this ultimatum. He saw how serious I was and went for therapy within the week. It was the first time he talked properly about awful childhood issues and it really did make a huge difference to him. It did take time but I’m so glad I gave him the chance to put things right.

[Disillusionedsusan]

Thank you. I gave him this ultimatum years ago and he went but imo it was too shortlived, a few months and it fizzled out. These deep seated issues usually take longer.. I've also come to the point of thinking that it is his responsibility not mine to sort himself out. I know that sounds very detached.

[Strugglingtodomybest]

I will give you the advice that my therapist gave me last week, because I am in a very similar position to you. She told me to go away and think about what I want. What do I need from love?

It sounds like he also needs to go for counselling, and then you can both go together for couples counselling.

Don't try and ride it out it, will not get any better on it's own, and I speak from experience. I wish I had not buried my head in the sand, I should have issued an ultimatum about counselling years ago.

[Strugglingtodomybest]

I've just read your update. If he's not willing to put in the work at counselling then I think you should ask him to move out.

[FippertyGibbett]

It sounds to me like he is disengaging from the family and from you.
They all seem to turn into their fathers unfortunately 🥴
You need to decide whether this is the life you want for yourself and your children, if not get your ducks in a row before you have that chat 💐

[LizzieSiddal]

I agree that if he isn’t willing to put in the work, then there’s no hope

[FippertyGibbett]

@Disillusionedsusan

Thank you. I gave him this ultimatum years ago and he went but imo it was too shortlived, a few months and it fizzled out. These deep seated issues usually take longer.. I've also come to the point of thinking that it is his responsibility not mine to sort himself out. I know that sounds very detached.

I understand your detachment, I feel very similar.
DH wants to ‘try harder’ yet nothing has changed. I’m biding my time.

[TheTeenageYears]

When I look around me I see that women tend to evolve more over the years than men. They adapt and bend often through raising children in a way that men just don't. Grumpy old men are very common sadly and grumpy middle aged ones too. He is prioritising what's important to him and ignoring everything else. I wonder how much the sleeplessness is affecting his ability to function. I would urge him to visit a dentist who specialise in sleep apnea. A friends husband was a terrible sleeper and always tired as a result. He now has a mouth guard to wear at night which allows him to breath correctly unlike before and he finally sleeps soundly which benefits the whole family.