Are these things said by my DM malicious or am I too sensitive?

[changednameee]

My DM drops these little comments into conversations and I find them hurtful but brush them off that I am just overly sensitive. In the last two weeks these are things she has said:

• Told me she feels like she failed as a mother because I'm single and she thinks I will never get married

• I finished university in the summer and have struggling to get a graduate job in the midst of the coronavirus, she told me I will have to go back to university and retrain in a different field (I have a reputable degree, it's just hard for all graduates at the moment)

• When I went to meet friends I hadn't seen since before university she told me they wouldn't recognise me because I had gained so much weight at university and look "really different" (I did gain a little at university but nothing drastic), she says this every single time I see anyone I haven't seen in a while.

• When I had to contact a colleague from a year ago, she told me he has probably forgotten who I am and wouldn't know who was messaging him. Same thing when I catch up with friends I haven't seen/spoken to in a while, they will have forgotten me and won't know who I am.

• Tells me that I am getting old even though I'm only 23, I turn 24 soon and she keeps saying how that is SO OLD.

She is supposed to be the "nice" parent out of my parents and yet it feels like every conversation my heart drops from something she says. I feel individually these are not that bad so I am not sure if I am over-reacting?

She is jealous and spiteful. Is it truly unintentional? I doubt it, as how can she simultaneously think you are getting old - but should go back to University to do another degree? It's a bit contradictory!

You can't control what somebody says, but you can control your reaction to it. She is being ridiculous, so just ignore - and stop sharing so much info on what/who you will be seeing. She doesn't need to know.

You could always just stare at her when she makes these comments and then say 'Jeeze, aren't you just ray of sunshine! Please, if you can't be positive and supportive don't say anything at all!'

Thank you all for the replies so far, they have been really helpful to read through. I just can't make sense of it because it is just so carelessly cruel. I can't remember my Mum ever saying anything nice about me. I genuinely cannot think of any compliments. On my prom she never said I looked nice, when I graduated with a first she never said well done, nothing. She just cares about how it makes her look to other people so was perfectly happy to put the pictures and braggy statuses on Facebook.

The thing is she comes across as nice to others. My friends all think she is lovely. I thought so too and I thought these kind of comments were in my best interest but evidently not.

She definitely sees me as an extension of herself. Whenever we see family she always pretty much coaches me on what to say and I find it exhausting. Ever since I was little I have put on an act when with her side of the family. She also lies about certain things, like she has told her family that I got a job straight out of university when I didn't. It just reinforces that I am something to be ashamed of. I had never noticed it properly before because I trusted her judgement of me to be accurate and for her to have my best interests at heart. When she would say things like she thinks friends won't remember me I think oh she's just trying to mentally prepare me as I am obviously a very forgettable person and they must have never liked me anyway.

A few of you have asked some similar questions:

Regarding my DF, he doesn't criticise me directly though but just creates quite a horrible environment when he is in one of his moods. I think he may have narcissistic tendencies.

Regarding where I live, I do live with my parents for the time being. I have plans to move out in around six months (around 2hrs away!). That is why my Mum knows lots about my life, it's hard to keep it private.

@NoPrivateSpy So sorry for your loss. I will try and talk to my Mum and mention how much her comments hurt me.

Any chance of speeding up your move out?

If she thinks you're old at 23, you can safely assume everything else she says is bullshit too.

And she's the nice parent?

You're an adult now, OP. You don't have to put up with this.

I would be looking to move abroad, tbh.

In the meantime, I'd let her know that you've told friends (who she wants to impress) what she's said. "Emma says that's crazy, everyone knows that all graduates are struggling to get work" - that sort of thing. Better still if Emma's mum says it.

No point whatsoever sadly in talking to your mother because she knows and she does not care. Same with your dad, these two enable each other.

You need to move out and away from them ASAP. It is not possible to have a relationship with people so disordered of thinking. It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way.

I would also suggest you read and or post on the current September 2020 well we took you to stately homes thread on these pages.

You need to put both mental and physical distance between you and your parents. These people were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they have not changed. All you can do is change how you react to them along with grieving for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

You need to make a conscious decision that your mother's remarks will not affect you so much.
They are cruel full stop.
Your mother is never going to accept that she is wrong you are going to be called "too sensitive", "I can't talk to you", "I only do it out of love".
She will always make you feel you are not good enough, you have not done enough etc.
My mum is a bit like this and in my fifties it still bothers me ans. I now do not give her the opportunity to offer her direct opinion of me. I am sure she discusses my weight gain with my sisters.
I think it is her projecting her insecurities onto you.
You need to have confidence in yourself. If she starts just smile and say "oh mum what funny ideas you have" and walk away.
Sounds to me you have done amazing, a first well done!
Sounds like you have a lot of friends , so they must like you.
Do not let her chip at your confidence.

My dm was a lot lie this up until my thirties , my dsis and i dealt with it very differently i moved away and have either had a low contact or no contact relationship with dm. My dsis stayed and bought into it all. Now it destroyed both our self esteem in our twenties but the difference is mine has come back (hard one I had to teach myself not to seek any form of validation from those around me because when I'd sought it from dm it have been devastating over the years....like water dripping away eroding my sense of self ).

Now my dm has actually had some level of realisation and seeks heavily to alter things , whilst I applaud her for the effort the damage is very very much done. My dsis has quite severe anxiety issues now ,her behaviour is still quite bizzarre in relation to her self view.

I would seriously think of challenging it or stepping away. It took me 20 years nearly to undo the damage and I still have to battle the little voice in my head that tells me I'm not quite good enough ? And rather prosaicaly it is in my mothers voice (I mean not literally just to clarify , you know what I mean ).

Just be aware OP for some this can be an annoyance from a rather insecure woman who needs to put others down , for other people it can be devastating only you can recognie which you are.

It is not you, it is her so YANBU. Get away from these put downs. Go LC or NC if necessary, to preserve your own wellbeing, as this sort of nastiness can hold back your own life and self-esteem. If you do go on seeing her, don't give her information to use against you.

She is a deeply insecure woman, and is willfully unkind to you.

You seem like an insightful, very intelligent person. A daughter to be proud of. A First, and plenty of friends - well done. How can that not be "good enough" - does she have a Masters in a particularly difficult subject and a demanding job, or did she marry young and pretty much retire?
Things like never praising you are deliberate acts - I'm sure that most parents would compliment their daughters when they saw them in their Prom outfits, - just from the surprise aspect if nothing else! She chose not to say anything nice. As you have realised, she is using you for kudos and validation.

Move out as soon as you can. It's hard when you are living with them, but you need to learn to go out and not tell her everything. You're not 12. She doesn't need to know which friends you are seeing

You are not “over sensitive” - in fact you are under reacting to an undermining narcissistic bully. People like her need to to put people down just to stay afloat. This is an “emotional discharge” for her of her own toxic feelings - when she does this she feels relief from her own inadequacies and no doubt repressed anger about the shit marriage she is in. She Ian also showing Narc tendencies lying about stuff and briefing you about what to say to her relatives but at the same time inserts herself into the reflective glow of your achievements.

Every child requires and deserves to be championed, applauded, supported, cherished, guided, encouraged. That’s the fertile soil they need for healthy growth - they need protection from the bitter insidious frosts of criticisms and belittling.

These are not small things, minor nit picking - these are words and actions that create the core of who we are, how we see ourselves and we carry this through life and will determine our emotional stance, resilience, self esteem and maturity which will then determine our “success” in life - eg wide range of equal and radiant friendships and stable and emotionally nourishing intimate relationships. From that successful, fulfilling careers fall into place.

Your parents didn’t provide enough / any of the basic materials to grow emotionally strong and balanced - you are at a good point now to recognise that - and fill those gaps now. There are lots of resources online to look at personal growth.

You have taken a v significant step on this journey already. The next one is boundaries - each and every time calmly and assertively with consequences. Never get into the details - but have a generic response ready - even if you only feel
able to text it the next day:

Your negativity around x is hurtful and unpleasant. Don’t do that again.

But your real boundary needs to be emotional disconnection in your head ams physical distance.

Honestly what a nasty bitch 😡 makes me so angry on your behalf. How dare she constantly make nasty comments. Who needs enemies.
I would honestly start confronting her but not in a crazy way just

Did you mean for that to sound as nasty as it did?
Why do you always have to say something critical about me?
Why wouldn't anyone remember me, how horrid for you to even suggest that.
Does it make you feel good to keep poking me about my weight?
See what her reaction will be. Ppl that are confronted about their nasty comments usually back down because you have suddenly made them feel uncomfortable.
You do have to address it otherwise she won't stop op.

What an unpleasant woman. In your shoes, OP, I‘d be looking to move out ASAP and maintaining low contact thereafter. She sounds jealous and nasty.

I would take up running/jogging/power walking with headphones on if for the only reason it will get you out of the house for an hour or two, three, four........but it will release happy neurons and make you feel better as well.

I would communicate with people in your room as privately as you can.

In fact I would hang out in room as much as you can

Basically try and not tell your parents any information if you don't need to "who are you texting". "an acquaintance from uni comparing job hunting notes, no one you know" even if it is.

Vague polite answers.

You are 23, with a first degree, moving out in a couple of months, you've achieved a lot.

Don't look back you're not going that way, look forward, they are your parents you can't change that! But they are not you. Shame they can't muster a well done for getting a first or you look nice once in a while but that's not your problem.

Or go to the extremes, I don't want to get married and have kids have you seen the state of the planet........even if you don't think that just to close down any nagging.

Start jogging to banging tunes.

Your journey hasn't really started yet. Enjoy as much as you can.

@category12

Any chance of speeding up your move out?

Or become a dog walker whilst waiting to move out that's an out the house job. Just temporary.

Thank you for all of the replies. Sorry I can't reply to them all individually but they have been really helpful.

They have made me feel quite empowered in a weird way. I have always had really low self-esteem and realising it can be attributed to external factors like these comments makes me believe I can raise my self-esteem and improve myself just through distancing myself from these comments mentally and physically. It's something I really want to work on, particularly as I would like to have children in the future.

I will work on boundaries and being more vague with my comments. It's strange because I feel like from an outsider's perspective, and even my own perspective up until this thread, my Mum and I seem quite close but there are always these really hurtful remarks. I think for the sake of my self-esteem I need to establish better boundaries.

Thank you once again. :)

You might well have been “close” - but the closeness is likely unhealthy enmeshment with a power / control dynamic.

Interesting that you now feel “empowered” - that’s because you were previously disempowered as she blindsided, disabled you and cut you down with her belittling and criticism.

Keep reading, investigating etc. Seek professional help and don’t underestimate the damage and emotional deficits that their inadequate parenting has caused in you. Your DF moods is stonewalling and silent emotional abusive. You deserved much more than this.