Cancer scare or hoovering?

[HelpLeaving]

H left about 3 weeks ago and I have maintained low contact despite numerous texts and emails offering 'help'. Learnt that lesson.

He has form for initiating contact using health - notably when he phoned me to say that the mother of the woman at work he had left me for had ovarian cancer when things in his new life were going sour. Maybe he thinks this worked as initial contact because he did manage to wheedle his way back in 20 years ago.

Anyway, this followed the first weekend my teenage son said he was busy and there was no contact. He has come here to collect him previously. Son is never ready and I end up hosting H who also has things to collect, a bone for the dog, chocolates for me!

Today he phoned because he thinks he has symptoms of bladder cancer. He says he has been to the GP and is awaiting test results and may be referred to urology. He kept repeating stats of 1 in 5 with his symptoms have cancer and survival rates dependant on stage. With a catch in his voice and thanking me for speaking to him.

On those stats 80% of me is thinking chinney reckon and a 99.5% of me is thinking this is par for the course. But damn that 0.5% that is thinking, you heartless bitch, this is the father of your DC.

Any advice?

[LilyLongJohn]

I wouldn't even ask. The text is simply designed to hoover you back in.

I'd not even text back.

If you feel you have to, simply say 'that's good, at least you know where you stand' do not ask him the results.

If he comes back with 'it's cancer' simply say 'sorry to hear that'

Just stop engaging with him. My ex told me he had stomach cancer after I refused to go back to him. It was all bollocks. Even if it was true, as awful as it sounds, it's none of my business. You're not there to look after him, you only need to look after you and your dc.

[Elieza]

I’d text him back saying I’m glad you got the results back so you know where you stand. What did they say?

See what happens.

If he has got it I’d be looking for proof before offering sympathy (but wouldn’t tell anyone that in case they thought I was a cow)!
Id want a look at the hospital letter advising his appointment details or something.

[AuntieStella]

I'm do nothing right now.

How often are you in touch with him for routine child admin matters?

Next time you have to email text about that, either ignore the subject, or if you feel it's better tackled, then go boring: 'noted that you have your results, as you kept them private I assume there is nothing that needs to be said to DC. You can let me know if that changes'

[FoxtrotEcho]

He's just sent me a message to say he had his test results back today. No further details.

Oh dear God, it's pure textbook attention-seeking, isn't it? Like a particularly desperate and pathetic version of vaguebooking.

Congratulations on getting shot of this twat.

[AlsoKnownAsMillicent]

@longcoffee absolutely know where you're coming from. I had a similar experience at 19, boyfriend was 11 years older and "dying of cancer", receiving chemo apparently but I was never allowed to support him through that. He said he didn't want to die a painful slow death and used to often 'overdose' showing me evidence of pills he'd thrown up, I would call emergency services until they took me aside and said it was never enough to kill him and he was likely playing me for a fool.

He was receiving "counselling for his cancer diagnosis" which turned out be some sort of psychotherapy. I discovered some notes from these sessions which made no mention of cancer but mentioned alcoholism, depression, suicidal tendancies etc.

He finally moved abroad "to die" - said he had 6 months left. But obviously didn't. There was no cancer, no cancer treatment, just a sad alcoholic. Eventually he slit his wrists in a hotel room after he's spent the night getting drunk and using a prostitute.
Couldn't make it up. I found out by stalking him on FB and local media.

[Quandaries]

@longcoffee that’s just horrific.

[user128472578267]

He's not even original.

He is the pathetic little character 30 seconds into this:

[PixelatedLunchbox]

He's just sent me a message to say he had his test results back today. No further details. Clearly expecting me to phone. I won't be doing that.

@HelpLeaving good for you - do NOT play his game. He really has a huge ego to think he can have his cake and eat it too. Ignore this guy as much as humanly possible.

[BitOfFun]

Attention-seeking twat! If it was genuine, he would have told you the results in the same text.

[Sssloou]

Vile.

Such a hoovering tactic.

Don’t let him yank your chain.

Pathetic.

[HelpLeaving]

He's just sent me a message to say he had his test results back today. No further details. Clearly expecting me to phone. I won't be doing that. If it was bad news that meant DSs needed to be informed he wouldn't be drip feeding.

Empathy to all that have had similar experiences and especial to longcoffee for all that you have endured.

[Sssloou]

I also had the MIL shenanigans. Just months after my own mother died v suddenly at 61 from cancer the MIL started ranting to me that she thought she had “cancer”. She was a raging Narc alcoholic who stumbled on with her attention seeking histrionics for a further 20 years. Gross.

[Sssloou]

What a shocking story longcoffee - I am so sorry that you were so manipulated and abused by this man and how his horrific family colluded with this.

[StephenBelafonte]

Just respond with something bland like

"sorry to hear about your healthscare, Macmillan are really good for information etc etc, take a look at their website"

[longcoffee]

A partner a long time ago did this to me. I was very young (21) and he wheedled his way back with proclamations that he's been diagnosed with prostate cancer.

I took him to hospital appointments (obviously didn't attend, just dropped him at the hospital on his request - clearly I would have been with him if I'd been allowed), nursed him through weight loss, sleepless nights etc. He had to have an operation, which (shockingly) was scheduled for when I was on holiday - only came up a day or so before I was due to fly. Needless to say, I immediately tried to cancel the holiday which he refused to let me do, getting quite violent at the suggestion. On my return, I changed dressings on a wound (keyhole) and continued to care for him.

Fortnight after my return, I found him dead of an overdose. Post-mortem revealed no cancer, and coroners court confirmed no treatment for cancer or diagnosis - it all had been a lie. He'd created the 'operation wound' on himself to keep the ruse going. He had severe depression, which at the time, I was too young and stupid to see - I just thought he was going through the mill. His family knew, but hadn't thought to tell me.

Despite the circumstances, rightly or wrongly there's part of me that will never forgive him, and certainly won't ever forgive them. My advice would be to protect yourself and your children and let him get on with it.

[Quandaries]

But damn that 0.5% that is thinking, you heartless bitch, this is the father of your DC

He was the father of your DC when he had his cock in another woman too.

Seriously, if he called you to say his knob had rotted off, you wouldn’t feel any sympathy.

[Sssloou]

@category12 "Sorry to hear that, you should probably chat to your [family member/friend] about your concerns."

Love this - with a little stinging edit:

“Sorry to hear that, you should probably chat to a friend about your concerns.”

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

BTW, I used cancer charities for advice & support. Perhaps you could suggest this to your ex. They usually have forums & telephone helplines.

I mean this as an alternative to his talking to you.

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

OMG, this brings back my MIL. She used to do this for attention. I remember the year she told me portentously she was 'being investigated for cancer' - it turned out all that was happening was that she was due a standard, regular mammogram, with no other symptoms.

Of course it would be horrible if anything was found (it wasn't). But it's also horrible to shock people in advance, needlessly. I've had cancer. Only DH knew I was going for a regular mammogram with no problems expected; only DH knew about the next set of tests; & only when it was confirmed & we had a treatment plan did we tell anyone else.

[category12]

"Sorry to hear that, you should probably chat to your [family member/friend] about your concerns."

[RantyAnty]

Yes how old are your DC?
Sounds like the youngest is teens.

You are free to block the ex and never speak to him again. He knows how to contact the DC.

You don't have to let him use you as an emotional tampon for his problems.

[Tiktaktoe]

How old is your ds. Do you even need to be in contact with him? Can he not contact your ds directly?

[Silentplikebath]

If he is seriously ill and he dies (which is extremely unlikely) it will save you the bother and expense of having to divorce him! I know I’m cynical but I’ve seen so many manipulative people try to use health scares to get the attention that they crave.

[PixelatedLunchbox]

@HelpLeaving

I kind of feel disappointed for him and that makes me feel stupid - to have been taken in for so long by someone so obviously inadequate.

And then in the next instant I feel guilty - what if is genuine?

And then in the next instant - he's never been genuine in the 28 years I've been with him.

So what if it is genuine?? He's not your partner anymore, he's hoovering for attention and you are allowing yourself to be an easy target. I wouldn't reply or comment on ANYTHING he says, unless it is specifically about your sons. He's not your problem anymore, you're not his partner anymore, do yourself a favour and stop being his doormat. And you have nothing to "feel guilty" about.

[ReneeRol]

Let his other woman worry about it. Don't waste your time listening to him.