DH seems to want to share his stress with me?

[GiraffeNecked]

He is a stressY man, quite angry a lot of the time, but convinced he’s calmness personified.

I’m generally fairly easy going and a bit inclined to take more shit than I should for a quiet life.

He seems to want to get wound up about something then pass that stress on to me, so he can skip off and leave me 8n a tither. His dad does it to his mum too.

We’ve got plumbers in so are a bit at 6s and 7s.thats stressing him.

Stupid small example he cooked and cleared up last night. . He obviously forgot to clean out the noodle Pan before putting in Dishwasher so there’s noodles in the trap. He stops me in the stairs and asks who put the pasta in the dishwasher. I’m a bit confused as we haven’t had pasta so I said I don’t know he did the dishes last night and we haven’t had pasta for ages we had noodles.

He starts Saying noodles pasta same thing ‘v common word for same things. So I just said not Me. Th3n he start# faffing with ch timer as plumbing has changed it. So8 end up cleaning out the dishwasher and sorting out dh. And feeling stressed when I hadn’t been and he’s now singing in the shower.

Hmmmm.

H

[GiraffeNecked]

Probably. I reiterate, he's not a bad man. He's funny, he's hard working, he's dealt with a lot of stress recently - and managed it amazingly. But doesn't always think about the effect he may be having on others or realise that I'm getting wound up about something that is - on calm reflection - entirely his issue.

It's the me having to drop whatever I'm doing to help - whether its ordering shoes off the internet - finding the stop cock (underneath the sink like every house we've lived in) or a biro that works.

[MimiLeBonk]

My DH is like this too - not a bad man at all but very stressy. I like the "my brain is busy, use yours" response and shall use it - thank you

[NW2SW]

I can relate, I believe it's very much a trait learned from the family dynamic growing up rather than a conscious behaviour. Mine will save all his anxieties up until bedtime, get into bed, offload on me and then drift off to sleep, meanwhile I'm staring at the ceiling for hours. I've asked him repeatedly not too, it still happens.

[username501]

OP you don't have to drop whatever you're doing to help - you're choosing to do that and causing this never ending loop of bad behaviour.

You need to work on yourself and your responses when he starts. It will take a while to get there because you've been like this for a while.

If he can't find his keys, carry on with what you're doing and say, 'Hope you find them soon.'

If he asks for help, 'Sorry I'm busy right now.'

You need to grey rock this behaviour by not reacting to it. I'd be interested to see if it escalates if you don't. I think there's more to it.

[JuanNil]

Once when I was a teenager, I was sat talking to my mum in the front room when my younger brother stormed downstairs, turned to my mum and said 'how comes whenever we get biscuits in the house, Juan eats them all before I get a chance?!'. I was confused, because I hadn't eaten biscuits in weeks. While my mum was trying to ask him which biscuits, he stormed back upstairs and locked himself in his room. He stayed there all day until dinner.

Normally, we weren't allowed to stay in our rooms all day. But he was 'angry', so my mum left him to it.

Before that happened, I never realised that people will honestly make up reasons to be angry so they can 'storm off' and spend time doing what they want to do, uninterrupted. Now, I see it happening all the time with DP's family.

It sounds very much like what your DH is doing to you, @GiraffeNecked . I'd be inclined to change the subject when he starts.

Q: 'Who put the pasta in the dishwasher?'

A: I'm just about to nip to the shops for some milk, do you want anything?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

How do you know he has Asperger type traits?. What makes you at all think this?. Think again!. I am frankly tired of seeing ASD mentioned for such men as an explanation for their behaviour.

If he has not been diagnosed you cannot assume he is anywhere on any autistic spectrum and asd as well does not equal self absorbed and a lack of empathy (that is more akin to people who are narcissistic) so you could be barking up the wrong tree here. His behaviour towards you anyway is unacceptable regardless of why he is the way he is.

He is self absorbed because he is self absorbed, his dad acts the self same as he does so learnt behaviour from his dad has and continues to play a part here.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Stop dropping everything here to help him because you are further encouraging him to behave like this. His dad also taught him that this works for him too.

[CorianderLord]

I can't really see your mind set. Tell him to stop being an arse and sort it then. I'm no ones skivvy.

are you sure he's not just a bit frustrated but tends to be a huffer and you're reading it as stressed?

[JuanNil]

@AttilaTheMeerkat it's funny you should say that. Because since the incident I just posted, my brother has been 'diagnosed' by DM as having Aspergers. So that's what he tells everybody. And he is an absolute tool. I have never believed he actually has ASD, DM gets cross with me when I tell her I think this. I simply say to her that until he gets a diagnosis, he is just a dick, plain and simple. But he refuses to get assessed... I wonder why? It makes me annoyed when people try to use it as a reason they can't treat other people like human beings.

[3ormorecharacters]

I have a similar thing with DH. He's got a lot better, but gets himself really stressed out sometimes (usually over kind of fair enough things, like packing for holidays) and always seems to want to drag me into his 'stress bubble' by getting sweary and ordering me around. I deal with stress very differently, and the way he acts makes me withdraw further into myself, like a 'fight or flight' response.

As a child he had some behavioural difficulties and used to have big rages where he would throw things around. I think he's kind of learnt that behaving like that (though in a less extreme way now obviously) gets a response. So in a way I think it's helpful that I don't really respond in any way and stay very calm, though he finds that frustrating in the moment. Luckily he acknowledges that it's a problem and we always talk about it afterwards. I explain how his behaviour makes me feel and what I respond in the way I do, and we talk about other ways to manage those situations. It's a work in progress but as always I think communication is the key. Which obviously depends on him being open to communicating about it!

[Aerial2020]

@AttilaTheMeerkat

How do you know he has Asperger type traits?. What makes you at all think this?. Think again!. I am frankly tired of seeing ASD mentioned for such men as an explanation for their behaviour.

If he has not been diagnosed you cannot assume he is anywhere on any autistic spectrum and asd as well does not equal self absorbed and a lack of empathy (that is more akin to people who are narcissistic) so you could be barking up the wrong tree here. His behaviour towards you anyway is unacceptable regardless of why he is the way he is.

He is self absorbed because he is self absorbed, his dad acts the self same as he does so learnt behaviour from his dad has and continues to play a part here.

This times a million.

So fed up of people doing this.

There was another thread where a woman called her partner autistic because she had suspicions

[Beechview]

You’re aware of it now so can change the dynamics of how it’s played out.
You should’ve left the dishwasher and said ‘yep that was you. Are you going to clean it out?’

Stop doing stuff for him. He’s making you do everything so he doesn’t have to.
Ignore him if he’s saying he can’t find things. If you weren’t in, I’m sure he’d find it.
Don’t drop everything. Tell him you’re busy and he needs to do it.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Does he do this at work with his colleagues or his boss? These blokes who get in a flap at home over the tiniest things wouldn't dare act this incompetent at work, you need to think why they think it's ok to treat you like this, because if they're not like this with everyone then it's a conscious decision to act like this with you.

[GiraffeNecked]

Sorry for the Apsergers comment - it was uncalled for - and I meant to put a disclaimer next to it. He's not diagnosed.

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter - yes, I'm fairly sure he does do this at work. Not all the time and not to the same extent - but it does explain some difficulties he's had at work. I used to work with someone who used to be his secretary. We shared a few tales over wine.

But yes, there is a bit of him that obviously thinks its OK to stress about stuff. His ex wife just puts the phone down on him when he's being stressy. And she is much better at diffusing it - as she readily admits its easier when you don't live with him!

I do ignore it, I don't take it personally, and I find my own things to do. But it can wind you up.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Apology accepted.

Re your H I would seriously consider your life going forward with him because he is really repeating what his own father has done here towards his wife. Is your current "nice life" really worth putting up with this?. His ex wife left him largely and probably because of this behaviour from him.

Your tactic of ignoring it is not working because you're not ignoring
him entirely and he managed to coerce you into remedy his deliberate incompetence (his intention all along really). He does this because he can and it works for him.

[GiraffeNecked]

He's not a bad man, and neither is his dad. Some of the traits that drew me to him, he's competent, ambitious, confident - the flip side of that can be being a bit of a knob.

Most people aren't one thing or another - I like his drive and commitment to working hard. I'd like him to be more laid back - but the two don't often go together!

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

@Beechview

You’re aware of it now so can change the dynamics of how it’s played out.
You should’ve left the dishwasher and said ‘yep that was you. Are you going to clean it out?’

Stop doing stuff for him. He’s making you do everything so he doesn’t have to.
Ignore him if he’s saying he can’t find things. If you weren’t in, I’m sure he’d find it.
Don’t drop everything. Tell him you’re busy and he needs to do it.

I agree with Beechview. As you've said in your OP you put up with more shit than you should for a quiet life - that isn't fair or healthy. Personally if my DH felt like that about me I'd be mortified and gutted he has to walk on eggshells around me.

[LilyWater]

Why did you clean out the dishwasher

He made the mess with the noodles, leave it for him to clean. Then ignore any of his subsequent comments and let him vent to himself (probably just how it defuses his own frustration)

If you put proper boundaries in place, his behaviour wouldnt bother you anywhere nearly as much.

[NW2SW]

I had a potential flare this evening. Asked DH if he has the receipt for a gift he's bought DN. Queue him panicking and accusing; you took it out of the bag to wrap, where did you put the receipt?! Turns out there was no bag, and the receipt is digital. I didn't pander to his flapping and he apologised once he realised.

It was quite interesting when I asked him why he is so quick to blame, he was very shamefaced but apparently when he tried to remember he could actually visualise the imaginary bag and receipt. A level of self assurance I will never achieve, twat.

[carlywurky]

Dp can be like this. It started to wear me down so I spelled out that he is an equally capable adult and was taking all my head space. I said I wouldn't be putting up with it any more. And literally walked away if he started.
He always recognises it after the event and apologises but it's heading it off in the moment. He's better, but it's the least appealing trait about him. Xh was a dick, but he was an unflappable dick.

[LadyIronDragon]

Hmm. I think I'm your DH in this scenario! I didn't realise I was being such a dick about things...

DH and I have discussed it before, I always say he is like a steady ship cruising calmly through choppy waters, unsinkable. I am like a tug boat bobbing along beside him - I can be totally up and down quickly, get very, very stressed about seemingly small things (not being able find things is the main tripping point for me). I let it all out and he absorbs it, I feel better and move on.

I've never really thought it might affect him badly. Perhaps I am self absorbed?! He just seems to soak it up. I'm never unkind to him though - we have a rule that kindness is paramount in our communication.

If you're not happy with it, definitely try to discuss it at calm moments in hopefully productive ways. He doesn't sound like a bad man just possibly unaware of the effect he's having.