Am I going crazy?

[Ting20161987]

I need some perspective on something. I don't know if I am genuinely doing something wrong or my husband is being a dick.
I feel like anything I say is twisted, made out to be naggy or said in a way it's not meant. It is really starting to frustrate me and it's getting more and more. It's happened every single day this week. I have told him each time I don't like it when he does it.
For example I am up every single morning with our child, in the last 8 months I could count on one hand how many times he has got up and allowed me to lie in. I asked at the weekend he got up, lo and behold yet again he didn't. I am up 4 times a night to our child and the one to get up every morning, I am exhausted. I text him that morning as he always lies in until late and I needed to go out that he would be getting up every morning next week as I am exhausted. When I saw him spoke to him as normal, told him this would be the case, I was called naggy and given silent treatment for the whole day, made to feel I had done something wrong.
Another example, I prepared dinner while he was putting little one to bed, chopped all the meat and veg, I then went up to read a story he sorted food. He served up and I ate but there was no meat, I asked if he had put the meat in and he bit my head off, he said i am never satisfied always nagging. I said it in a genuine normal tone, non critical a genuine question. Another example I fell asleep one night, not early and he starts groping me, I say no and bat his hand away. He asks why are you always tired, I said because I am up through the night and up early. He said I got up for you this morning (the first time in months), I said I know but I couldn't get back to sleep, he huffed and puffed that I am being fing moany again. Yet again I said it perfectly calm in non aggressive tone just a normal tone. For content I could have moaned, he may have got up but he allowed my child to climb all over me and jump up and down on me for 10 min, and of course I did not give him a medal for getting up to our child, so he is pissed about that.
These are just a few examples and they sound pathetic when I write it down but I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I cant say anything/ ask anything without being accused of being naggy or critical. Even if I do criticize for something he has/hasn't done, which is rare, he strops off like a little child, is this normal?.
Is it me, am I being naggy? I feel like I am going utterly crazy and I am doing something I am not intending on doing?
I don't want to live like this. Its unbearable worrying that everything you say is wrong

[MrsNotNice]

Re-split *

[MrsNotNice]

OP..

If you don’t want to leave him..

Here’s what I would do:


Resolution the bills and make him pay for almost everything to do with childcare and household running, since he isn’t doing his share of the labour then he gets to pay for for your labour.

And make sure leisure and social time and Costs is equal in the relationship otherwise make him pay for that too.

[Smallereveryday]

Personally I would separate. Which is not something I usually say as I am normally for staying together until you get through the baby years.. but this one needs a wake up call...

Both Working but he locks himself in his office ? Did it for me !

What about if YOU did that.

[iluvgab]

he has apologised and blamed his HA being back and he is worried there is something serious, and in his words "you take it out on the person you love and closest to you"

Health anxiety is back? That's convenient....
He's been asked to get up and look after his own child. He's been a grumpy fucker about it and now his health anxiety is back.

I am not saying health anxiety isn't a debilitating condition but if it's really that bad he should be getting it treated properly. I'm sorry but I am skeptical about these things that suddenly get worse when a partner asks the other person to buck their ideas up about something. (I had an ex with depression... wouldn't go to the doctors, hadn't had it diagnosed, .... it "flared" up every single time I tried to discuss his appalling attitude to living together).

[Eckhart]

I find it hard in the moment to explain what he is doing is wrong

Then tell him how you feel. I bet that 95% of the time, when he's pissed you off, you could adequately state why with the phrase 'I'm upset because you are not respecting my needs.'

[Aminuts23]

He’s an absolute arsehole!! He might do a morning or 2 now to shut you up but he won’t change! I absolutely guarantee it. He’s a lazy self entitled wanker and he’ll happily let you become exhausted and then expect a shag and sulk when you say no.
My ex was this which is why I’m so angry on your behalf. Please don’t put up with this. He’ll be back to normal this time next week. You are not a team, you’re being run ragged and living on eggshells if you even question it. It’s no way to live. I’ve been away from it for 6 years and much happier, relaxed and more energy!

[Enough4me]

He should treat you bare minimum as he would a friend and because he is your partner he should do more. His behaviour shows you what he thinks about you.

My exH needed me to be wrong all the time to justify treating me like rubbish. I was so conditioned I went along with it for years.

Can you have a break and stay with family for a period of time, or get him out so you can think?

[BlueThistles]

abusive selfish gaslighting manipulative lazy prick. Im not sure how you get 'he's a good father' into that mix ? 🌺

[Eckhart]

and in his words "you take it out on the person you love and closest to you

That's emotional manipulation. 'Darling, I only hurt you because I love you so much.' He's giving himself an excuse, and leeway to do more of the same. This is definitely emotional abuse, OP. I'm sorry.

[Ting20161987]

Thanks for all your replies and the link. I suppose I have never seen it as abusive behaviour, and still reluctant too, more lazy-ness and selfishness on the part of getting up at helping and arrogance/stubbornness on the fact that he is never in the wrong

Arrowcat, ha ha I am sure I do, I am annoying myself writing it all done, it seems so petty but 10+ years of it is dragging me down.
My child just constantly wants to sleep with me (we have never co slept, not that there is anything wrong with that), I put my child straight back to bed every time he comes into the room but its tiring up and down through the night. Starting back at pre school has only heightened the need to be with me since lockdown, its getting better, sometimes once a night.
He likes to spend 1 on 1 time with him when I rarely have plans, but I have to guide him what to do with him and "how to entertain him" as he puts it.

He asked earlier if I was annoyed with him, I explained why I was and gave the explanations from here why his behaviour has annoyed me and why he shouldn't be like that (thank you, I find it hard in the moment to explain what he is doing is wrong), he has apologised and blamed his HA being back and he is worried there is something serious, and in his words "you take it out on the person you love and closest to you". He has promised to take it in turns getting up with out child so we will see. The rest we will see
Thanks for all your comments, time and advise

[Eckhart]

I'd bet my life savings that he's the only person in your life who makes you question yourself like this, and that with everyone else, you are confident that you are a decent person who has respectful relationships with people, and who communicates just as clearly as anybody else.

[Anordinarymum]

Sorry OP but you have cultivated a way of life here. You need to do something to make him stop in his tacks and think about the impact he is having upon your life.

Only look after yourself and your child. Do not even make him a cup of tea. Tell him you are not a maid, or a doormat, or anything else that springs to mind. And.......... stick to it.
That is.. unless you want a lifetime of drudgery.

[widespreadpanic]

Geez he sounds like a prize. I dated a guy that regularly stonewalled me. You don’t test some you love AND respect that way. It cause me constant anxiety and self doubt. And I would leave him for the fact that he let your child jump on the bed while you were trying to sleep- that is straight disrespectful and only teaches your child to tear you the same way as he gets older.

[Arrowcat]

Honestly?
You do sound nagging in the way you are conveying your unhappiness. However what you are saying isn't.
Why is your 4 year old still up 4 times a night? Is there anything you can do to make this easier / improve it?
I totally get the lie in - I wake up so easily I just let my partner sleep in as a treat - however he then takes the kids for 2-3 hours in the afternoon to give me a break. It doesn't sound like you are getting this.
Echo previous suggestions of air b&b for a few nights, also booking activities for him to take LO to exclusively. Eg swimming etc. It's then their activity they do together without you. He should want to spend one on one time with his child even if it's exhausting. How he reacts to that suggestion will be telling.
Marriage isnt easy and takes work, often in and out of counselling and one person's need trumping the other for a period of time (and vice versa) but ultimately your partner should be your best friend who always has your back.

[Sssloou]

www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#codependence

Have a look at the 3rd and 4th sections on this list of 64 emotionally abusive behaviours - you only need one.

He is exploiting and manipulating you.

He is not a good father. A good father’s first priority is to be an equal partner in the parenting partnership - so that your DC has two attuned, balanced, rested, positive and motivated parents.

Your DH is not kind of respect of you. He doesn’t punch you or rage at you - but he emotionally gaslights and exploits you.

Your DC has a deadbeat disconnected Dad and an exhausted, beaten down preoccupied Mum.

You life would be logistically and emotionally easier without this man and you would then be able to restore your emotional self so that at least your DC had one balanced, rested, attentive parent.

Currently the imbalance, negativity, contempt and resentment between you is been sensed, absorbed and internalised by your DC and they will be confused and afraid and will develop anxiety or acting out behaviours. You both deserve better than this.

The fact that you have been in this RS from v young is telling and that issues were there from the early days. What was you childhood like that allowed you to tolerate such poor support and imbalance?

[MikeUniformMike]

He has ground you down. You are not pathetic.

Get legal advice and kick him out. He is a bully.

[Bunnymumy]

*constantly accusing someone of nagging/being crazy

Oh and btw this is how abusers get you to stop questioning them. It is also, gaslighting.

[AnnaFour]

Oh, and his reasons for not getting up in the morning is he is terrible in the morning and he will be grumpy all day.

But he’s perfectly fine for you to have broken sleep and suffer exhaustion. It’s all about him isn’t it? How can you be with someone who doesn’t even think you’re worth getting adequate rest?

[Bunnymumy]

Giving someone the silent treatment in order to 'punish', accusing someone of nagging/being crazy ect, only doing something if it's to get something in return, losing their rag at any 'percieved' criticism, being utterly selfish and making their partner feel like they are spending their life walking on egg shells - does this sound like a normal person to you? Let alone a loving partner?

He isnt a good dad either. He treats his childs mother like shit. He is an awful rolemodel. Get yourself and your wee boy out of there asap. And never look back!

[AnnaFour]

I am starting to feel I am in the wrong, and I am not doing good enough and shouldn't moan


You need to unpick this thinking. You work full time in a pressured job, are the main breadwinner and do almost all of the childcare. On barely any sleep. What more could you be doing?? What would ‘good enough’ be on top of everything else you already do?

[Ting20161987]

No to the affair. I did question last year if there was someone else but this year we have been together permanently due to lockdown, if he was it would be emotional. He is on his phone a lot but he says its twitter and football. I haven't checked and I don't want to as it crosses a line.
However casting me as the role of the nagging wife it would make sense?!
He does when we watch dramas on TV where someone cheats tells me never to do it to him and he wouldn't as he has too much to lose

[SecondStageIgnition]

My husband did this (interpreting speaking as nagging) when he was having an affair. I, too, felt like I was walking on eggshells. In retrospect it makes sense to me. He had to cast me in the role of nagging shrew to mitigate the guilt he was feeling.

Is this a possibility in your case?

[Ting20161987]

Oh, and his reasons for not getting up in the morning is he is terrible in the morning and he will be grumpy all day. Which makes my life 10 times harder dealing with a grump all day so it is easier to get up myself

[Ting20161987]

I suppose I have never known any different, I have been with him since I was very young. The HA started a year or two into the relationship and has been non stop. I may get 2-4 months a year off it if I am lucky.
I was happy to get up with my child when I was on mat leave but I have been back since my child was young. I am WFH and during lockdown I did all the chilldcare while trying to work in a high pressure role, fulltime. He locked himself in the home office and worked.
I have come to the realization that he sees the "womans" role as the mother only and should do all the "work".
I am the main earner have a high pressured job yet he sees his job as more important and superior.

I am starting to feel I am in the wrong, and I am not doing good enough and shouldn't moan. Any disagreement is my fault and I find myself apologising all the time. I don't claim to be perfect as I am not. I will stand up for myself and fight back if I feel he is being out of order as I won't be pushed around but I will always admit if I am in the wrong and apologise. But, I am always the one to be in the wrong, try to make it up and be giving silent treatment for the day. Then the next day, he says he doesn't want to argue, hugs me and kissed me. I explain I don't either but I don't like how he twists what I say and he somehow turns it back round to me, even if he clearly is out of order?!. I honestly don't know how he does and I end up apologising?!
Its honestly confusing me

[mytimeonline]

Parenting is hard work as it is at times
Along with a stroppy partner I have no idea how you tolerate it
He needs to take over while you take a holiday and realise his responsibilities.
Is he of a mind set women do the parenting & do not communicate what they need.
working together is a relationship not manipulating you being stroppy nor is feeling crazy ok.
Hope things change for you.
Put your foot down and your a more than a mum