Can a relationship survive emotional abuse?

[MartinLikesBiscuits]

I have been married to DH for 10 years, with 3 children under 7. On the outside our relationship looks very strong, but in reality it has been anything but.

Our arguments usually follow this pattern:

1. I try to explain, calmly and at a convenient time, why X has upset me, X often being something that DH has done/ not done.
   
2. DH tells me that X wouldn't have happened had I not done Y.
   
3. Again calmly, I explain that I feel blamed.
   
4. DH says "I'm not blaming you" and then often tells me that I am overreacting because of anxiety/ post natal depression/ PMS/ PCOS/ basically anything hormonal.
   
5. It then begins to go round in circles and ends up with him keeping calm and me shouting at him, sometimes very badly, and I end up deeply regretting my reaction (especially if it was in front of the children, which unfortunately it has been sometimes), feeling ashamed, and agreeing that it was, after all, my fault. I know that I am in control of my responses, but sometimes I have honestly felt as though I was going mad. There just felt like no other way to communicate with him. It is like talking to fog, he dodges everything I say.
   
   X can be anything, from small things such as housework, but has also been much bigger things, for example DH drove the car drunk after a work event - he said I was to blame because I would have become angry if he hadn't brought the car home (I ended up agreeing with him, and felt that if only I were easier to live with, he wouldn't have done something so dangerous). I put off getting a lump investigated because he said he couldn't take time off work to take care of the kids (he also wasn't happy at me getting family or friends to help) and I was disrupting things for him. Nine months later, when my GP brother told me to get the lump seen urgently, DH told me that he didn't want to be blamed if anything happened to me (the lump turned out to be benign). Again, I felt it was my fault, I should have handled things better and been a stronger person. A close friend died during lockdown, DH was not supportive and when I complained, he said I was too focused on the needs of other people rather than him. The list goes on.
   
   Stupidly, I only noticed this pattern a few weeks into lockdown, as the arguments had become much more frequent, especially after my friend died. It began to sink in that this really isn't normal. I told DH that we seemed to have a real problem, and he went off and did some "research" - I thought to tell me that I was wrong. To my surprise, he came back and told me that he had been emotionally abusing me, that he was appalled with himself, and that he would get counselling to sort things out. Since beginning the counselling he really does seem to have changed, and we have argued much less frequently, although there have been a few bumps. I have begun to feel much happier on the whole and more like my old self. I want the marriage to work, and honestly when DH is not behaving like this, then things can be really good.
   
   However, I am still really struggling with some of the things that have happened in the past. As soon as any source of conflict appears, I begin to feel very anxious and although it has become a lot better, I am still resorting to a defensive anger. This evening, I reacted with anger because DH said something I was worried about wasn't that important, and I began to shout. Our neighbour, who has been away for several months, stopped DH whilst he was outside, and asked him if he was okay. She told him that she had heard me shouting at him several times in the past, and that I should really get some counselling, especially with such young kids at home. I don't disagree, but it hurts to hear someone else say it. DH later apologised to me for invalidating my feelings.
   
   Absolutely no one we know would believe me that DH had been emotionally abusing me. I often get told how lucky I am to have him, what a wonderful man he is (including by the neighbour). I'm a coward, but I worry that if I get counselling that it will only confirm that I am indeed an abusive and difficult person. It's still hard to accept that he is the abuser.
   
   Just feeling quite broken tonight. Has anyone's marriage survived emotional abuse? What helped?

[Jana756]

'I never realised it was abusive' must be the motto of women who are emotionally abused by their partners - so you're in good company!

It's suspicious that HE came to you with this information though; it makes me think that it's just another way twist things & get what he wants. And before you think 'oh, (name) would NEVER do that'...... part of the emotional abuse is that you've been trained to think that, because it suits him that you think that.

Abusers don't view their abuse as a problem. To abusers, their abuse is a SOLUTION (to problems that they're either unaware of, or won't confront). Why would he want to change - or get rid of - something which is working for him?!

(and abuse doesn't just stop overnight - ever. It takes years of willingness, hard work & commitment BY HIM to change behaviour like that).

Even if you feel that the titles don't apply to you, there are 2 books by a man called Lundy Bancroft which may be illuminating for you:

• Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
• Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Canand Shouldbe Saved

The latter also discusses reasons for abusive behaviour & helps you to understand which factors apply in your case (the 4 factors being substance abuse, immaturity, personality disorders & abusiveness as a character trait).

Start paying more attention to his actions and less attention to his words. Frequently the 2 don't match, but the victim is gaslit into believing otherwise.

And counselling doesn't help abusive men become less abusive. It helps THEM, because it helps them become 'better' abusers (i.e. helps them get away with it more / for longer); but it's likely to be detrimental for YOU. The only thing that works (sometimes) is a dedicated Abuser programme.....but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Lastly, feeling like you live with Jekyll & Hyde is common too. 'Oh, but he can be lovely....SOMETIMES' is another common experience of abused women. It's actually that which keeps you in the relationship, because if he was always argumentative & blaming you, you'd leave, right?! Also look up 'Trauma Bonding' & see if you think it applies to your relationship.

To get a clearer picture of your situation, start by regularly writing down his behaviours - 2 columns, positive & negative, so you can remember what happened (seriously.....this sort of abuse can affect your memory / how you frame events, even when you think it doesn't).
Abused women tend to 'split' their partners into 2 separate people, so good memories & bad memories are literally stored as if they belong to 2 separate men. Integrating these memories is one way of starting to see the situation more clearly.

[AlreadyGone44]

I keep coming back to this thread. Id like to think its possible, though it would require a big ongoing commitment and work on both sides to break the patterns. Even taking his epiphany at face value it's very hard to break behavioural patterns like these and he may not have the strength or will to do it. Or you may find that he's done irreparable damage to your relationship and with the best will in the world you may not be able to move past that. If you are going to do this give yourself permission to call time on it at any stage. No matter how genuine his desire to change, you don't owe him anything, if you decide at any point you're done then end it. And in case thus is another gaslighting attempt, write down anything that he does or says or doesn't do/say that makes you feel upset or apprehensive or walking on eggshells or angry or hurts you.

None of this applies to me, because DH won't even admit that he's gone anything wrong. I actually sent that article to DH many years ago. He got angry and told me I was stressing him out at a time when he was already stressed and I shouldn't be bothering him with petty little things. He's done to much damage now for anything to save us. But my mind still falls into that pattern of thinking he's not that bad, then I think but he did this and this..... I'd want to see genuine ownership and remote for his actions. Unreserved apologies when you bring up things that hurt you or if you tell him he's done something new that was hurtful or abusive. Unreserved, no blaming you, no sorry but you did this or you once did that. And counselling for you, yes you need to try to break those patterns if and it's a big if, if you truly want to do this. But I'd focus counselling on working out what you really want and even if you want this whether he's done too much harm. He abused you, you don't owe him anything and you don't owe it to him to try even if he's suddenly had a genuine epiphany about his behaviour.