He Cheated And It’s My Fault

[Franwith2and1]

I don’t even know where to start
3 1/2 year relationship. Three boys not his
I’m grumpy I’m quite an insecure person. He’s not he’s very confident
I’m divorced he’s never been married. Last partner before me was over 5 years so I figured he was ready to settle down
I had breast cancer last year and a failed reconstruction left me flat and I hate myself I feel a freak
He’s been reassuring but we haven’t had much sex and when we tried it hurt
We went on an 11 day holiday and a few days in he struggled. Says I was a dictator and he can do what He likes as he doesn’t want the children dictating where we go
So he starts to an extent doing his own thing
5 days in he says he staying another week
I wasn’t happy and felt really upset and angry with him for effectively wrecking the rest of the holiday
We talked and I understood him
A couple of days in we had an argument then it all went downhill, and he was avoiding me. Put his return flight back and then didn’t arrive yesterday when he should. Now looking at Thursday. He says I’ve been a nightmare to be with and still loves me, but somewhere in this he had a one night stand. And he’s talking like what’s the problem. I have a major operation in just under two weeks to do a tummy flap reconstruction and instead of gaining weight I’m losing. I’m spiralling driving my friends mad and I’m weak
He says he is coming home not sure what he wants, give me a few days also to consider what I want and then we talk
I cannot fathom how the hell shagging someone while abroad is OK!
Please don’t be hard on me I can be strong but I need to get there
I have a lovely flat a much better job it’s cliche isn’t it. The man you never thought would but has form all over his life for pulling when drunk and I’ve always thought he liked a one night stand rather too much

[picklemewalnuts]

That's a good plan, Fran. Your only priority now is looking after yourself and your boys. Anyone that helps with that, hang on to them. Anyone that makes it harder- ditch them. What you are going though trumps everything else.

[Franwith2and1]

Thank you everyone
The anger is slowly kicking in
I can’t believe how he has changed it’s so cliche and cruel
I have ordered some of that whey powder to try and build myself up as I’m not eating and I want this operation so badly
Cheaters script says they blame you then deserve other women I should have seen it coming but I didn’t

[scoobydoo1971]

You have a lot going on health-wise. Last year I was diagnosed with an untreatable genetic condition that is fairly life-changing. The first thing I did was to dump my ex who was a thief and an emotional abuser. That was the first of many therapeutic interventions, and I don't look back now. I suggest you take time out of relationships to conserve your energy for you and your well-being.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

You're only allowing him to hurt you because you haven't got the strength to deal with him right now, and that is OK - you've just had breast cancer! You are supposed to be resting and recovering.

Trust your friends and lean on them. Put his stuff out, change the locks, block him on your phone. Ask one of your pals to move in for a few days when he's due back. But you need to kick his arse out OP. You know this, you just don't feel strong enough. But it's what you need to do.

[WitchDancer]

You've got a good friend there. They can see things without the emotion, which is needed when you feel your heart is being ripped out. Just make sure you are doing what you want, rather than what they think you should be doing.

[FetchezLaVache]

Please be guided by your friend on this! You sound like you're in a terrible place at the moment with everything that's going on, but I can almost guarantee that this fucker is making you more anxious, less confident. Hope all goes well for you, OP.

[Jayaywhynot]

So he ruins your holiday, doesn't return home with you, cheats on you, points out all your faults, calls you a dictator and expects to return to live in your flat .
On top of all this you have health issues and hes being a complete tool.
When you and your friend bag up all his stuff leave it outside the door, text him and tell him to collect his shit then dont talk to him, dont open the door and delete him on every form of communication.
You deserve better than this

[Dullardmullard]

Get angry and throw this fukker back out there

Get your friends round for support and block him on everything.

[dollypartonscoat]

I wouldn't even give him the time of day. Don't speak to him. Why is he dictating when you will sit down and talk about his unreliability and his deceit?

Pack his stuff up with your friends and focus on yourself and your kids. This is definitely a block and delete case. Your friend can get his key from him

[picklemewalnuts]

Please change your words-
Don't say 'I can't do this', it sounds like you are trying and want to do it, and he'll try and persuade you/help you put up with it.

Tell him he did it, he made his choice. You are just tidying up after him, getting his stuff ready to go.

You don't want him back, you aren't going to have him back. You aren't going to to discuss it.

Use your words powerfully or he'll twist them to mean what he wants.

[LilyLongJohn]

Your friend is right. Bag his stuff up and tell him to fuck off!

Start looking after yourself op

[category12]

A decent man wouldn't have done this.

Basically you're down, and he's kicking you, and he thinks because of what you're going through, you'll have him back anyway.

Let your friend pack his stuff up, and lean on her a bit, she sounds a good egg. You'll be better off without him.

[GazingAndGrazing]

It’s not you can’t do this Fran

You WON’t do this - of course you changed and it was all about you, you had cancer!

It would be a whole different story if he hadn’t slept with someone else. Decide where your line is and set it

He sounds like a cocklodger

[Franwith2and1]

Thank you for all these responses
I’m just allowing him to hurt me
It’s like I want him to tell me everything will be OK but he can’t becuase he caused it
I’ve text him to say I can’t do this
He wanted to talk and see where we go when he’s back but I can’t see past what he’s done
It’s like someone I don’t know he’s turned I to a stranger. It’s what I’ve read on here for the last 4 years when people say how much they change
It’s my flat etc but I don’t have the courage to throw him out
My friend says she is coming Thursday and we are bagging his stuff up. She doesn’t want me to be w victim. I’ve got a well paid job so why am I so weak with this. It’s like he’s torn my heart out and pointed out everything I’ve ever done and made me a villain. Now little things like I’ve not been easy during lockdown and changed since the cancer things he never said before. It’s all about him and his happiness. He needed to stay on to swim in the sea etc he’s originally from Spain. His job has been mad over the summer and it was all me me me. My friends were saying this should have been about me having a break and sorting myself before my op but it was all about him!

[AlwaysCheddar]

Ltb

[category12]

Collect up his stuff in binbags and drop it round his parents while he's still away.
Change your lock.
Tell him what you've done and to fuck off forever. Block him.

[mellowww]

He stayed longer on hol so he could have sex with someone else?
😶
I know this isn't a good moment. You have an op coming up. You've had so much to deal with. But you have got the three crucial things: a home and an income and a family (your children). That's everything.

You do not need this ludicrous 'partner'. Plan when it will suit you to ask him to go.

💐

[Yeahnahmum]

The only "fault' is that you haven't left the bastard yet 🤔. Him cheating is not your fault
Tell him to fuck off .

[ulanbatorismynextstop]

He's an arsehole, get rid.

[Sunflower1970]

You know deep down that in your current situation you need to build your confidence back up. This man is just going to drag you down. Please get rid - he is no good for your self esteem. When you are happy in yourself again then go back on the dating scene - you’re worth more than this loser

[Onthedunes]

I,d rather be married to a dog turd than him.
Lose him, dreadful person.

Take care, hope your surgery goes well.

[OldWomanSaysThis]

He sounds awful.
This is not your fault.
This is the fault of the awful person - and his fault alone.

[TorkTorkBam]

@picklemewalnuts

So on an 11 day holiday he ditches you part way through because he doesn't like taking the kids into account. Extends his holiday without you, has a fling, and thinks he's coming home to you and all is fine apart from you being difficult? He can jog on.

This.

Take back your control of the situation. Fuck off mate.

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

Jesus what a prize bellend.

I'd put money that him calling you a "dictator" actually meant
"So when I went to tye bar on day 2 while you were watching the dc by the pool, I got chatting to 2 women who I found attractive, and they said they were going on a trip to x the following day and I should come too. I then engineered this argument so that I can ditch you and go with them. If I manage to get a shag I'll be continuing this holiday without you."

Good luck with your op. I hope you give this scumbag the heave ho. You're worth so much more.

[troublingtimes]

This is on him. Not you. He cheated while on holiday with you and your kids. Rude. Disgusting. Block his number. Show him you won’t be messed around