I made the decision (whilst struggling with postnatal depression) to end my marriage 10 years ago. He then became almost non existent in dc's lives. If I'd stayed...

[CakesRus3]

My dc's would have a dad that is in their lives. There would be 2 incomes coming into the household. I would be less exhausted being both parents. My granddaughter would have a granddad.
I thought I didn't love him. I actually had no feelings. I had difficult pregnancies and births. Put on lots of weight. He was never abusive. He worked hard. I was just so selfish in making that decision. Did I think the grass was greener, no clue. If I was the person I am today, I would have helped myself, worked through the marriage as no marriage is perfect.
It's been 10 years and in that 10 years it's been exhausting. Physically and mentally. I decided to go back to school to become a nurse. To become financially stable. All the way through telling myself it's all going to be ok. It was so so difficult as a single parent but I made it through. He moved on quickly and he saw the dc's less and less. These days it's hardly ever. They haven't even been to his house. He's never taken them on holiday or had them over for Christmas.
What I can't seem to move on from, is the fact I made a selfish decision and it's backfired on myself and my dc's. I have always over compensated to ensure they were ok and didn't miss out. Is this my karma? Just needed someone to talk to, I don't have family. Always appreciated support here.

[BigFatLiar]

Did you ever talk to him about the breakdown?

As you say He was never abusive. He worked hard. Sounds like he wasn't a bad man despite the mumsnet standard demonising.

He may have felt that if he was unwanted/rejected the kids would be better with a clean break rather than the negativity of an unwanted presence that he would be. You sent him on his way and away he went. Perhaps he was hurting (men are allowed to hurt). Who knows.

Its understandable that pnd can cause such trouble, sorry the effect was so bad for you. Put it behind you and move on.

[CheshireChat]

BigFatLiar oh come on, if he wanted to, he'd have made the effort for his kids. He chose not to and this shouldn't be excused.

[CakesRus3]

I possibly could actually. I will ask about it. I think I need to talk to someone. Thankyou for your kind words.

I was a miserable person, when I think about how I was, I cringe. Its like it wasn't me. He moved on and has never looked back. I continued to build a life for me and dc's.

[BigFatLiar]

CheshireChat we're looking at this from OP' s view several years on, we don't know the ins and outs. He could have kept contact and perhaps if OP was so bad with pnd he could even have gone for full custody on account of her mental health. If the seperation was bad then he may have felt best to walk away than go through a bad custody case with the years of arguments and confrontation that may have followed. Who knows it's all in the past, move on, don't sit and brood over what's past.

[RainingAllTheTime65]

@BigFatLiar

Are you serious? Have you read the OPs description of how little he interacts with his children, with absolutely no barriers?

Because she had the audacity to break up with him he's justified in responding this way? He can go and spend a decade feeling rejected and lick his wounds? Advocating his responsibilities as a father?

He has taken a far from equal role in bringing them up. It's pathetic, and he has prioritised things like coaching football over his own kids. He doesn't sound like a great loss OP. At all. I'm sorry.

[CheshireChat]

BigFatLiar actually if her MH was that bad, that's exactly what he should've done and then reviewed the arrangement later on.

But it's not really all in the past as he's essentially abandoned his children.

He isn't the devil incarnate or anything, but he's definitely a shit parent.

[Anordinarymum]

@CakesRus3

Yes, you are all right. I tell myself this often. He has proven who he really is. I question how it would have been. Reading here, it makes me see him for who he is. Especially now you have asked how contact stopped. It's bringing back memories. It gradually got less and less. He took them to his mum's every other weekend for the first year. In this time he met someone and moved in together. He continued to take dc's to his mum's every other Sunday instead of the weekend as he wanted to coach football. I have never put barriers in the way. The opposite, I would have really appreciated his support. He sometimes cancelled but would never rearrange. He has never been to a school evening. Christmas he picks them up and takes them for tea and drops them home. He's never asked to have them. One year I was really poorly on the new year. Dc's asked to go to his to celebrate as they were looking forward to it. He refused. There has been times I have begged for him to have them for me to work but he just refused. I was stuck in traffic once and he was so angry that my middle dd became so anxious. He said he would drop them to my mums who lives miles away. I begged him to wait. In the end I just let him decide when he would collect and pick up. I tried to ask him again about 3 years ago. Explaining that it benefits the dc's as I can take them on holiday. He refused. He continues to holiday every year. From that day, I haven't communicated with him. I work extra hours so we can go on holiday. Followed by guilt because im always shattered. I don't ask him for anything. Things my dc's say when they have seen him make me feel so sad for them. The more I am typing the more I'm wondering why I even posted. I just remembered another incident. I won't bore you with it all. You are all right. It is alot of guilt that I need to let go of. I'm just struggling at the moment. It's so hard, alone.

OP Have a hand hold - nay I'll raise you a big warm hug.

He's not their Dad at all is he ? You made the right decision.

[Dullardmullard]

You made the right decision

He is and most likely was a crap dad

He chose this remember that he chose it not you, yes you split that doesn’t mean he split from his kids

Ffs you where poorly and he refused to take the kids what father does that a shit one that’s what.

[goody2shooz]

Does he contribute to his children financially? If you are/have been struggling so much it might be worth while. Fwiw I think you made the right decision to leave, so please don’t feel guilty that he didn’t step up for his children. It’s too easy to look back and only remember the good things about a relationship! Good luck with everything 💐

[PicsInRed]

@BigFatLiar

CheshireChat we're looking at this from OP' s view several years on, we don't know the ins and outs. He could have kept contact and perhaps if OP was so bad with pnd he could even have gone for full custody on account of her mental health. If the seperation was bad then he may have felt best to walk away than go through a bad custody case with the years of arguments and confrontation that may have followed. Who knows it's all in the past, move on, don't sit and brood over what's past.

Good men seek medical assistance for a partner with PND and step up to help with the kids. They don't either abandon the kids or abuse the court process to try to take her kids away from her.

My God what a low bar.

[FloresTorres]

You sound a really good and caring Mum.
I think that you did the right thing. How unkind he is to his children.
It's tough doing it all on your own, but look at what you have achieved, well done to you.
We are here listening, willing you through this.

[ProfessorPootle]

He sounds completely useless. He was a rubbish dad when you were together, did he try and support you and the children when you were suffering with PND? Did he try to help?

I had debilitating PND for 2 years after my youngest was born, I was suicidal, it was absolute hell and that was with a supportive dh who did everything he could to help out. I only got through it because of the support of my dh, he was working long hours Monday-Saturday but he’d take the kids all day Sunday and every evening. He’d cook, do the shopping / cleaning as much as he could. He got the newborn an appointment with a private paediatric consultant to diagnose dairy allergy as he was waking 6-8 times a night as he was starving as was throwing everything up. GP would only diagnose reflux. It went on for 8m until we saw consultant, he was fantastic, got prescription formula, appointment with nutritionist and paediatrician on the NHS and he didn’t charge as he said we never should have had such rubbish treatment from the GP. He wrote them a rude letter and copied us in. It made all the difference.

What I’m trying to say is if he had been supportive and taken responsibility when you were struggling it wouldn’t have led to a break up so it was also his responsibility for never stepping up as a parent. If he had been a decent father it never would have happened as he would have been there for you and the kids from day one. You can’t change his personality, it’s sad for the children but this is who he is, if you’d stayed he’d have been in the house but he still wouldn’t have engaged and you’d have had him to run around after as well plus the added anger and resentment at him for not being a good dad or partner when he’s sat in his arse in your house doing nothing. Why has he never paid child support?? That also tells you all you need to know. Have you considered counselling to work through your feelings? It was never you, it was always him.

[Livandme]

You are a parent to your dc, not your partner. He should take responsibility for himself.
Sounds like he was the eternal man child as men often are.
I'd say you are well rid.

[CakesRus3]

Thankyou everyone. When my youngest was a few weeks old, I had a bit of a scare and had to go for a few tests. It turned out, apparently a milk duct had misshaped one breast. I remember being really nervous awaiting appreciate etc and he appeared quite calm. Looking back I was too quick to assume he didn't care. People show emotion differently. That was when I decided it was over. He worked, he took dc's out and always worked. I don't know if he knew how to help me. I know you are all right, I just question my decisions at the time. A not so great upbringing has made me question them too. I'm not sure what I wanted/needed from him. He wasn't awful is what I'm saying. Yes, he has proved since that he is a not so good dad. He pays financially but is not there physically and emotionally. I know its his choice.
Oh I'm sorry, I just needed to talk about it.
It is his choice, he could have been a better dad, he still could be.

[workhomesleeprepeat]

OP, I think women on the whole are trained socially to be caring and think of what they can do to make things better - so we blame ourselves endlessly for things that are out of our control.

Thing is, you leaving him is a long time in the past now. He’s proven to not be a great dad. Maybe if you’d stayed together, you would still be on Mumsnet asking us all how to make him a more engaged husband and father.

Try to look forward to the future. Stop blaming yourself, maybe see if you can get some counselling. Wishing you the best

[Julie879]

@CakesRus3

We all make mistakes but I would consider how good your judgement is usually. Do you generally make rash decisions or do you consider things and take your time? You seem to be second guessing a decision that you made in a different time and place, that decision was probably based on dozens of other issues, small and large that were much more relevant to you. Things that you have forgotten or can't quite see with the rose tinted glasses we put in when thinking about the past sometimes.

Trust your younger self that you made the best decision you could with the information you had.

I think you are feeling this way because you are unhappy or unsettled in other areas of your life. I would work on identifying what those are and put your energies into making improvements. You may look back in six months and wonder what your moment of madness in thinking this way was all about.

[CakesRus3]

Yes, it is a long time ago. Thankyou. Thankyou everyone. I think, I think about it more when things are feeling a little pressured. Not sure what's going on with me at the moment. I do need to put it behind me.