This is my first post on Mumsnet, but I've read a lot of posts along these themes before and found the advice given to others really helpful, so I would be very grateful for any input!
To provide some context, I was a bit of a 'late bloomer' when it came to relationships and started my 1st serious (current) relationship in my mid-20s. Now late 20s and have been together for just over 2 years. As a result, I don't have much personal experience for comparison; just what I see of others' relationships.
The 1 regular theme which seems to repeatedly cause arguments in my relationship is DP's perception of my interactions with other men. From my perspective, I don't believe I am flirty with other men (something I've become very conscious about due to these arguments). All of my closest friends are female; I do have some male friends in my broader friendship circle, who I typically see in group situations (where DP would often also be present).
DP has told me that he doesn't feel comfortable with me having conversations about personal stuff with men (usually in the context of work; he's fine about my old male friends in the extended friendship group). As my immediate team are predominantly female, I wouldn't usually have in-depth personal conversations with men at work anyway, but do sometimes exchange small talk about plans for the weekend etc. In my mind this is entirely innocent and normal workplace behaviour, and not inappropriate. As far as I'm aware, nobody has gained the wrong impression from this.
A related factor is that, if I'm out without him (e.g. with girl friends or family), he expects me to reply to any texts within an hour and gets in a mood if I don't. In my mind this is excessive, and I should be able to go for dinner/ drinks with friends for a couple of hours without having to message him. (I would be more than happy for him to focus on spending time with his friends for a few hours without needing to text me). It ends up distracting from the quality time with friends, as I feel like I'm constantly having to keep an eye on my phone/ the time so that I reply 'in time'. It also feels very rude to text when friends are speaking, particularly in a 1:1 context! (I am admittedly rubbish with texts generally, so please tell me if IABU).
Today we had another argument related to the men issue, as I had a video meeting with a male colleague, who asked if I was still based in the city where our offices are located during lockdown. I replied that I was and asked him if he was still at home during lockdown. He answered and we went on to talk about work stuff. DP is now in a mood because I 'talked about my personal life' with this colleague. When I asked him how he thinks I should have responded, he said I should have just answered but not asked him the same question. In my mind, I was just being polite.
Other instances which have lead to this argument include:
- A waiter on holiday asked where we were from. He had lived in our city, so asked specifically which area we lived in (we don't live together) and I responded. I was apparently being overly friendly in this exchange.
- A few friends and I went to another friend's for dinner. Someone she had been seeing was there having a drink when we arrived, and he ended up staying the whole evening (unplanned). DP got very funny about this person being there and asked why we didn't leave early.
- At a girls' night, a friend's male friend from work was in the area, so stopped by for a quick drink. Again, DP got funny about this.
- We had an all-Company team building event/ social. DP gave me the silent treatment all day because it would involve me speaking to men.
- Before COVID, my company was going to have an offsite abroad. DP asked me not to go as it would mean me socialising with men from work. He had attended a very similar work event last year. I told him I would definitely go and thought he was being unreasonable asking me not to; the argument became moot due to COVID.
- He regularly makes a comment like 'hope it's not with a guy' if he knows I'm going into a meeting.
As with most relationships, he does have many wonderful qualities, and we've built up some lovely memories together. However, I just don't feel like I can deal with this for the long-term, and I feel like this doesn't happen in the healthy relationships I see in friends and family members.
FWIW, I have never come close to cheating on him and he says that he's never been cheated on in the past in other relationships. However, he acknowledges he has low self-esteem which is linked to jealousy issues.
Thank you to anyone who has made it to the end of that and I'd be very grateful to hear your thoughts!
I suppose that does show what these men can end up like.