Am I being a mug

[Crazyjay91]

Help!!!
I’ve been messaging a man for the past 8 weeks and we finally met up 4 weeks ago and have seen each other atleast once a week since. He is 31 with two young children from his ex who he split up with in October after 10 years together. His ex is clearly still madly in love with him and is doing anything she can to control him and get him back this includes using the children. Therefore we have kept seeing each other on the downlow with only our close friends knowing.
I am asking for advice as I really do not know where this ‘relationship’ is going. He is so complimentary and supportive within my personal life and my work life, we really get on well - we laugh, we joke, we confide in each other and I do really like this man. But we have not gone on a ‘proper’ date yet and he has made no hints that, that is what he wants. We literally see each other at my house and he will stay the night.
I haven’t had the conversation with him about what he wants out of this as I don’t want to put pressure on him but at the moment I’m stuck between am I just being impatient and to give him more time and maybe I shouldn’t be so stubborn and ask him on a date or am I just being a mug and being used as someone to get his end away with?

[Yawwwwnyyawnson]

My ex did exactly this. Started seeing someone, it had to be quiet as I was ‘crazy’ and would cause problems with the children. Would not acknowledge her in public but went to hers for the evening. Problem was that I wasn’t aware that we had split! The other woman knew that we lived together but he said we’d split months earlier (🙄) he even had pictures of us together on his profile on Facebook, where they began their ‘relationship’.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

Maybe how his finances are come into it, having 2 kids and 2 separate homes now between them to support, could mean that he doesn't have the money left to go 'out' out.

If he didn't have money to date he shouldn't be on a dating website.

OP - Does his facebook status say he's single (think I know what the answer to this is).

[Bananalanacake]

Don't give him money if he asks. Don't let him move in.
Don't look after his kids, it's not your job.

[Divebar]

How did you manage to miss out the date bit at the start? How did that conversation work when you were first discussing meeting ?

[Wherearemymarbles]

You’ve been seeing him a month. Its far too early to know what this is and you owe each other very. using access to kids as a weapon is a very, very well trod path and I dont blame him for being careful.

I’d just ask him but I dont necessarily think you are being a mug.

[GilbertMarkham]

They're not separated.

[category12]

How about sit down, figure out what you want from a budding relationship and don't settle for anything less.
I really doubt "I want a man with complicated history (present) who makes absolutely no effort with me" appears on that list.

This ^

[Isthisnothing]

Op not only would I say you are being a mug here but you need to 100% change your perspective.

You don't want to ask him because you don't want to put pressure on him? Why are you dancing around what he wants?

How about sit down, figure out what you want from a budding relationship and don't settle for anything less.


I really doubt "I want a man with complicated history (present) who makes absolutely no effort with me" appears on that list.

Forget what he wants and only think of yourself at this stage. This is the interview assessment remember. Respect your always or nobody else will.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Asking him won't really help though, if he's determined to keep you as an OW, he will just lie or talk his way out of it.

[Ihaventgottimeforthis]

Yes you are being a mug.

What are you afraid of? Ask him what is going on.

[Deadringer]

@category12

Crikey, you are being a mug.

You're likely the OW. You're definitely a shag.

This

[Regularsizedrudy]

Um yes. Sorry.

[FunkSoulBrother]

He's a Cocklodger without the lodge OP.

Move on, you are worth so much more than his sex.

[FetchezLaVache]

You haven't been to his place then? That's not generally a good sign...

[category12]

Crikey, you are being a mug.

You're likely the OW. You're definitely a shag.

[Coffeecak3]

Yes. You're a mug.

[NotaCoolMum]

Even if he really did split with his wife last October, it doesn’t sound as if they’ve actually “finished”. Not saying he’s still sleeping with her or anything but if he’s hiding you then it’s for a reason- he needs to be in a place where he’s actually “free”- by that I mean that his (ex?) wife shouldn’t factor into whether or not he’s seen in public with you or who knows about you etc. Have you met any of his friends? Do they know about you?

[sunnydaytomorrow]

You are his OW and he is still married in a married kind of way! That's my guess

[Dery]

"You've gone into this by an odd route maybe. When you first met up, where did you meet? Was it straight round your house?
Maybe how his finances are come into it, having 2 kids and 2 separate homes now between them to support, could mean that he doesn't have the money left to go 'out' out. I'm assuming that what you know of his family situation is the truth and you are hopefully not just going by what he's told you. Have you ever been round where he lives?
Just ask him out for a meal, or cinema or whatever and see what his response is. If he doesn't want to, then you are unfortunately just a sexual convenience to him."

This. Also, you have risked your personal safety in entertaining a man you really don't know in your own home. Rapists and murderers can come across as very charming. Why have you been so ready to put yourself in danger?

[TwilightPeace]

Like others have said, it sounds like he’s using you for a meal and sex.

Don’t ever be a mans secret, he should be proud to be with you. In a healthy relationship, everything should be a lot more open.

Even if he doesn’t have much money surely you could go out for a nice walk and coffee or something? Or an early bird meal somewhere? Rather than hiding in your house.

It boils down to whether you feel valued by him. You should be more than just a convenient option for him to get what he wants. What about your needs?

[AdaColeman]

You're his bit on the side, and do you feed him as well?
Dump him, and start to value yourself more.

[alfrew]

You only met him 4 weeks ago, you don't know him at all.

Please be careful OP, you're probably going to get hurt with this one.

[BertiesLanding]

As gently as possible, OP: yes, you are being a mug. He is not available.

[TheFaerieQueene]

Set the bar much higher OP.

[Opentooffers]

You've gone into this by an odd route maybe. When you first met up, where did you meet? Was it straight round your house?
Maybe how his finances are come into it, having 2 kids and 2 separate homes now between them to support, could mean that he doesn't have the money left to go 'out' out. I'm assuming that what you know of his family situation is the truth and you are hopefully not just going by what he's told you. Have you ever been round where he lives?
Just ask him out for a meal, or cinema or whatever and see what his response is. If he doesn't want to, then you are unfortunately just a sexual convenience to him.