I don't even know where to start with this mess.

[Thisisatoughchoice]

I have been living with my partner for almost a year.

He is a good guy, very practical, he's great with housework, DIY etc and I never ask him to do anything around here. I love him a lot, but we have so many problems and I don't know how to fix them.

We don't argue much. I have had my years of arguing and dramatics and I cannot be bothered with any of that anymore.

When I tell him I have an issue he doesn't listen though. For example he was talking about something quite gruesome the other day, I said to him that I didn't like hearing it and asked him to please stop. He carried on anyway. I asked him to please stop again, and he carried on, so I got up and left. It was quite upsetting to me. After an hour or so he came to find me and apologised.

This is an ongoing issue though, he says something upsetting, I get upset, then he waits ages to apologise, or it just doesn't get discussed, unless I bring it up, then he apologises.

I tell him directly when I'm feeling insecure, or sad or whatever, and I tell him directly what I need but he just doesn't listen. We talk afterwards and he says he will change, and listen, but he still doesn't.

There is also an issue with his dd, she stays here 90% of the time, which is fine, but she is an only child, who was used to having 2 parents catering to her every whim. I have 2 dc who have been raised completely differently. She clicks her fingers and he totally jumps to her tune, buys her whatever she wants, goes wherever she wants, she will only eat certain food from certain places so he does shopping in 3 different supermarkets to cater to her every need.

When he isnt around she is totally different, she eats what I make, I ask her to do chores, the same as I do with my dc, and she does, i have spoken to him about this and he says he knows theres an issue there but he will not change this. So, for example, my kids will ask for something worth £100 and I say yes, but make them earn it, she asks for something worth £100 and he can't get his card out fast enough.

Its not the dds fault, and when he isn't around she is a really lovely kid, and I actually think she is a bit embarrassed that she hasn't been taught how to do things for herself, I am teaching her things, but her dad comes back and she doesn't lift a finger again.

I really need him to step up so all the dc in the house are treated equally, and I have discussed this with him so many times, but he isn't willing to prepare her for life.

He says when she hits 18 and goes to university then she will just have to learn the hard way. Which is pretty shocking to me.

The other issue is that he promises me things and never delivers. Just silly things, like taking me somewhere, or cooking me a special meal or something, then he forgets. He never forgets when he has promised someone else something. I keep saying to him not to say things if he isn't going to do them, it's the fact he says things then forgets, I have told him his words are important to me, as we had some trust issues right back at the start of our relationship, but he doesn't seem to take this on board.

I was on my own for years before I met him, and I was in an abusive relationship before that, so I'm really not sure if I have been on my own too long and am just not tolerant of things anymore, or i have too high expectations because i always said if i was to get into another relationship or had to be 100% healthy.

Does this sound like a relationship worth saving? Should i cut my losses? Is there some other way I should be communicating?

[monkeymonkey2010]

He is a good dad
No he isn't - he's a disney dad to his own child.
He can't be arsed to teach her basic living skills either...his idea is to let her learn "the hard way" once she's an adult!!!!!

his dd, she stays here 90% of the time
Is that so he doesn't have to pay her mother maintenance?
Cos he does fuck all with her - it's YOU who's parenting her!
All he does is throw money at her and deliberately infantilise her.

He puts on a good act of being a well turned out man who can pull his weight round the house etc....and oh look - he's a 'good dad' cos he can act the part with your kids when it suits him.

Reality check - YOU alone are the only parent doing any parenting and taking on the mental load.
HE is just coasting along doing the bare minimum to keep you sweet.

[billy1966]

OP,
I think your relationship bar is really low and he sounds awful.

I pity your poor children having to put up with this man and his daughter that you have moved in.

He says whatever he thinks you want to hear but actually has very little regard for you or what you want.

When you have children, any old loser is not a great idea.

Take some time to focus on youd children, yours and raising your relationship bar.

You deserve better.

[Thisisatoughchoice]

Thanks for your comments. I don't think this dd is putting it on, she gets quite embarrassed about it, she is quite different now I make her be independent and don't do everything, I just tell her I'll supervise or for her to give me a shout if she gets stuck.

I think he certainly tries to be a good dad, he has babied her because he sees doing everything for her as a good thing, he is starting to see the light after many, many conversations though.

It's not a maintenance issue with her staying here. She has a room, friends around here, her mum (not insulting her at all, this is from conversations we have had) has a very new boyfriend who has pretty much moved in with no discussion or consultation, the boyfriend dislikes her (again from what she said) and the mum is focused on the new relationship rather than her. I like her mother and we have never had any issue at all

It genuinely isnt my bar being so low that I think he does a lot, he absolutely does, although probably not with a lot of the mental load, he very much has and "it'll be ok" attitude with no regard as to how things will be ok.

My kids adore them, he isn't a random I've moved in, he has always been in my life, but we got together 3 years ago, and there were many discussions together, and separately about moving in. Most of the issues are emotional between us, but my kids do feel sorry for his dd, they aren't resentful at all, they appreciate that they have to work for things, and this is preparing them for life. They have been through a lot, and are, sadly, wise beyond their years and we have a massively open relationship and they would come to me with any issues at all.

You're right that he tells me what will keep me happy though, and we hve spent the last few days having discussions about it where he promised, again, to change. Then last night he did it again.

I have told him that he ruined his last chance and asked him o look elsewhere for somewhere to live because it isn't working.

I'm a mix between happy that I stuck to my boundaries and really very sad because I love him.

Thanks for all of the advice.

[Sicario]

I think, when dependent children are involved, that it's often better not to live together. The boundaries can get horribly tangled and it's always you who gets stuck in the middle.