I don't even know where to start with this mess.

[Thisisatoughchoice]

I have been living with my partner for almost a year.

He is a good guy, very practical, he's great with housework, DIY etc and I never ask him to do anything around here. I love him a lot, but we have so many problems and I don't know how to fix them.

We don't argue much. I have had my years of arguing and dramatics and I cannot be bothered with any of that anymore.

When I tell him I have an issue he doesn't listen though. For example he was talking about something quite gruesome the other day, I said to him that I didn't like hearing it and asked him to please stop. He carried on anyway. I asked him to please stop again, and he carried on, so I got up and left. It was quite upsetting to me. After an hour or so he came to find me and apologised.

This is an ongoing issue though, he says something upsetting, I get upset, then he waits ages to apologise, or it just doesn't get discussed, unless I bring it up, then he apologises.

I tell him directly when I'm feeling insecure, or sad or whatever, and I tell him directly what I need but he just doesn't listen. We talk afterwards and he says he will change, and listen, but he still doesn't.

There is also an issue with his dd, she stays here 90% of the time, which is fine, but she is an only child, who was used to having 2 parents catering to her every whim. I have 2 dc who have been raised completely differently. She clicks her fingers and he totally jumps to her tune, buys her whatever she wants, goes wherever she wants, she will only eat certain food from certain places so he does shopping in 3 different supermarkets to cater to her every need.

When he isnt around she is totally different, she eats what I make, I ask her to do chores, the same as I do with my dc, and she does, i have spoken to him about this and he says he knows theres an issue there but he will not change this. So, for example, my kids will ask for something worth £100 and I say yes, but make them earn it, she asks for something worth £100 and he can't get his card out fast enough.

Its not the dds fault, and when he isn't around she is a really lovely kid, and I actually think she is a bit embarrassed that she hasn't been taught how to do things for herself, I am teaching her things, but her dad comes back and she doesn't lift a finger again.

I really need him to step up so all the dc in the house are treated equally, and I have discussed this with him so many times, but he isn't willing to prepare her for life.

He says when she hits 18 and goes to university then she will just have to learn the hard way. Which is pretty shocking to me.

The other issue is that he promises me things and never delivers. Just silly things, like taking me somewhere, or cooking me a special meal or something, then he forgets. He never forgets when he has promised someone else something. I keep saying to him not to say things if he isn't going to do them, it's the fact he says things then forgets, I have told him his words are important to me, as we had some trust issues right back at the start of our relationship, but he doesn't seem to take this on board.

I was on my own for years before I met him, and I was in an abusive relationship before that, so I'm really not sure if I have been on my own too long and am just not tolerant of things anymore, or i have too high expectations because i always said if i was to get into another relationship or had to be 100% healthy.

Does this sound like a relationship worth saving? Should i cut my losses? Is there some other way I should be communicating?

[Sicario]

I think, when dependent children are involved, that it's often better not to live together. The boundaries can get horribly tangled and it's always you who gets stuck in the middle.

[Thisisatoughchoice]

Thanks for your comments. I don't think this dd is putting it on, she gets quite embarrassed about it, she is quite different now I make her be independent and don't do everything, I just tell her I'll supervise or for her to give me a shout if she gets stuck.

I think he certainly tries to be a good dad, he has babied her because he sees doing everything for her as a good thing, he is starting to see the light after many, many conversations though.

It's not a maintenance issue with her staying here. She has a room, friends around here, her mum (not insulting her at all, this is from conversations we have had) has a very new boyfriend who has pretty much moved in with no discussion or consultation, the boyfriend dislikes her (again from what she said) and the mum is focused on the new relationship rather than her. I like her mother and we have never had any issue at all

It genuinely isnt my bar being so low that I think he does a lot, he absolutely does, although probably not with a lot of the mental load, he very much has and "it'll be ok" attitude with no regard as to how things will be ok.

My kids adore them, he isn't a random I've moved in, he has always been in my life, but we got together 3 years ago, and there were many discussions together, and separately about moving in. Most of the issues are emotional between us, but my kids do feel sorry for his dd, they aren't resentful at all, they appreciate that they have to work for things, and this is preparing them for life. They have been through a lot, and are, sadly, wise beyond their years and we have a massively open relationship and they would come to me with any issues at all.

You're right that he tells me what will keep me happy though, and we hve spent the last few days having discussions about it where he promised, again, to change. Then last night he did it again.

I have told him that he ruined his last chance and asked him o look elsewhere for somewhere to live because it isn't working.

I'm a mix between happy that I stuck to my boundaries and really very sad because I love him.

Thanks for all of the advice.

[billy1966]

OP,
I think your relationship bar is really low and he sounds awful.

I pity your poor children having to put up with this man and his daughter that you have moved in.

He says whatever he thinks you want to hear but actually has very little regard for you or what you want.

When you have children, any old loser is not a great idea.

Take some time to focus on youd children, yours and raising your relationship bar.

You deserve better.

[monkeymonkey2010]

He is a good dad
No he isn't - he's a disney dad to his own child.
He can't be arsed to teach her basic living skills either...his idea is to let her learn "the hard way" once she's an adult!!!!!

his dd, she stays here 90% of the time
Is that so he doesn't have to pay her mother maintenance?
Cos he does fuck all with her - it's YOU who's parenting her!
All he does is throw money at her and deliberately infantilise her.

He puts on a good act of being a well turned out man who can pull his weight round the house etc....and oh look - he's a 'good dad' cos he can act the part with your kids when it suits him.

Reality check - YOU alone are the only parent doing any parenting and taking on the mental load.
HE is just coasting along doing the bare minimum to keep you sweet.

[AgentJohnson]

I don’t think his DD is spoilt. It sounds like she’s stuck in a dynamic with a father who is focussed on his needs rather than hers, essentially her dad likes treating her like a very young child so he feels needed. Her mother upping and leaving means she probably feels the need to keep Dad ‘happy’ more than ever.

He’s immature and there’s no evidence of this changing, throw him back.

[Tiny2018]

I had this problem with my most recent ex, only I was the one in your partners shoes.
I was far too 'soft' on my daughter, while I found his style too 'harsh'.
Our relationship was toxic anyway, but that aside, it was a disaster for the children. My daughter ended up resenting me for not being able to do things his could. His children resented my daughter for getting an easy ride. The difference here was that whilst he worked, I often cared for all three children while they were younger and ran myself ragged trying to pander to them all.
I carried an enormous sense if guilt for all of them, which in turn led to me becoming depressed and quite snappy.
I was brought up by my Nan until around age six, who was like I am now; a fusspot, but ended up living with my Dad and awful Stepmother who was cold and strict towards myself and my biological brother, but warm towards her own biological children. This led yo the ability to see it from both sides and only compounded my guilt as a parent and step parent.
The worst part being that myself and my daughter's biological Father had similar parenting styles due to similar upbringings and had we have stuck it out, I believe my daughter would have been better off.
I became the soft parent as I adored my Nan and the warmth she gave me as a young child and wanted to replicate that. I hated my stepmother and wanted to do everything in my power to not replicate that. The way my ex spoke to his children often triggered me, and I would often step in and 'defend' his kids. In this respect, it absolutely wasn't a favouritism issue but a difference in parenting one.
I love my daughter more than anything, but I have made some serious parenting mistakes over the years.
Your partners dd is not the only one who will learn his lessons the hard way, he will too if he continues. The anger my daughter gels towards me most days for my soft approach is all consuming and sad tbh and i totally get it from her perspective.
The worst part is, I honestly consider myself a nice person and I genuinely had the best of intentions.
So as much as I feel for you OP, I do also empathise with everybody else in the family.

[altiara]

OP she must be putting some of that ignorance on, she would’ve done home ec at primary and secondary school. And a lot of children are inquisitive and see stuff being done and could make a sandwich without being told how when they’re half that age!
One of my kids made tuna wraps at nursery. He’s 11 now, so I remind him of this when he’s lazy and can’t remember how to do stuff.

[Onemansoapopera]

😁 Thank you.

And I'm sure she'll pick it up at uni as he says... But why wait that long? Explore options. We owe it to ourselves to remove annoyances from our relationships doesn't mean we can't continue, just means that we make the changes instead of waiting for someone else 😊

[Thisisatoughchoice]

It is driving me mad too.

My youngest asks for a drink - yeah that's fine, go get one.

His dd says she wants a drink - he leaps up asks what glass she wants, how much ice, asking if theres enough of this or that in it, if she wants a particular colour of metal straw then asks her to taste it, makes any amendments she needs to it.

She didnt even know how to make a sandwich or open a tin or use the microwave before she came here.

I feel really sorry for her actually.

I definitely do not want more children so I'm not sure I would date someone without any children, maybe I should have gone for someone with grown up kids.

I'm glad you've found your unicorn

[Onemansoapopera]

I should add ex's ds was 8 at the time of cut up spaghetti hoop on cut up toast squares.... Maybe that's fine but every meal?!

[Onemansoapopera]

I think normal is actually generally 'complicated' for parents in relationships but definitely not living together will instantly remove that issue and hopefully ease the other stuff too maybe. From my own experience with my ex it was a car crash having him and his ds with us. Ds was lovely but babied... His dad used to give him spaghetti hoops cut up on toast in squares, for every meal! It's all he would eat for his dad and it drove me mad whereas in fact, when I asked him to leave all the problems of "differing" parenting disappeared. Listen we split anyway for much the same reasons as your other issues... But happy ending, I'm happily married now to someone else who's ace. He didn't have children which I think works better tbh but good childless men in their late 30s as he was then are rarer than unicorn poo and I get that. Still it means my one child is our priority and there's no competition (which inevitably is what this boils down to in blended families)

[Thisisatoughchoice]

I'm not concerned about being alone really. I enjoyed not being in a relationship, then I stupidly fell in love, thought I gave clear and concise boundaries and was willing to stick to them. Now I'm unsure of everything because he is so great in so many ways, but crosses my lines in other ways.

I don't know what normal is.

Thank you all for your advice. I really do have a lot of thinking and talking to do.

Maybe it is the case that we aren't compatible living together

[Onemansoapopera]

Maybe you're not compatible to live together with children but would be OK others ways ie living separately. You would not be alone if that's the case and you gave blending together a go so nobody can say you've not tried.

[Thisisatoughchoice]

His dd should absolutely be his priority. We discussed equal treatment of them all before we moved in together and that hasn't happened though.

Maybe we just aren't compatible unfortunately.

[Sunrise234]

Sometimes I think two people can be nice people but just not compatible with each other.
I wonder if this applies to you and your partner.

[Onemansoapopera]

Your children are your priority, his DD is his. You might not agree with his parenting style but you have to accept that you're both putting your own children first, which is correct to be honest.

If you're not happy, move him out again and continue to see him if you want but don't try and change people or more specifically don't ask a parent to compromise their relationship with their child, however disfunctional you perceive it. Yes he probably is acting through guilt. That's his journey not yours.

[zoemum2006]

@ThisisatoughchoiceMo


Oh my god I am so sorry I had no idea you had lost a child. It is utterly abnormal that he would compare that to the death of his dog. Bordering psychopathic.

That alone would be an absolute end no further discussion for me.

[Thisisatoughchoice]

Thanks, you've given me a lot to think about.

I don't get upset about a lot of things. He was describing a really horrific case of animal torture and abuse I found it upsetting, he was telling me a story about a lovely romantic time he had with his ex a day after letting me down about something he promised, and he compared the death of his dog to the death of my child. All pretty reasonable reasons to get upset. We are both pretty easy going, but I'm more intolerant of crap than I used to be.

He has said to me that he feels the forgetting things is just because he feels comfortable and doesn't feel the need to impress me, he can just be himself. I said it was great that he felt like that, but I dont want him to promise things in the first place in that case. I dont need stuff, I dont need him to make me endless promises, all I need is for him to stand by the things he says. He tells me he understands, is ok for a week of 2, then reverts back again.

I've asked for a family meeting before. He says his dd wouldn't tolerate it so she wouldn't be involved and I wasn't to ask her.

I have compromised a lot, and he has done a lot for me, and we went through a lot when we first got together and he made sacrifices then.

I'm going to message him when hes at work, then see where it goes. If things don't improve in a month I'll suggest counselling, then I'll give it until christmas. I hope it works out, but I don't think I'm ready to compromise my boundaries for it to work out. Maybe I'm just not ready for any relationship.

[zoemum2006]

I don't mean to sound harsh when I say this but you do sound a little hard work. It seems like you get upset about a lot of things. I feel like we're all entitled to our one veto but it seems like you need a lot of vets about what can be said.

It sounds like you have had a very tough time in the past so it's very understandable but maybe he's an 'easy going' guy who's trying and failing to take things more seriously.

Perhaps you'd get on better with a more serious man?

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think you love him and want to save this then he has to agree to a proper family meeting with everyone there.
It has to be agreed that everyone does their share of chores.
Put a list together of who does what.
She needs to agree to it as well.
Unfortunately, he can spend what he wants on his DD and I don't think you can change that.
But it needs to be made clear that it's a blended family now and absolutely EVERYONE has to pull their weight and if they don't want to then they need to leave.

[LizzieBlackwell]

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You should be someone's priority here; not an option. To him you are an option.

Words are cheap OP: look at actions rather than mere words. He can talk the talk but does not walk the walk here.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and the abuse you suffered both then and going forward was not your fault in any way. That is all on the people who went onto abuse you.

The fact that you went from an abusive childhood into an abusive marriage is sadly no coincidence. Ultimately you are going to have to address all the abusive relationships in your past starting with your childhood and unlearn all the crap you have picked up about this along the way. I would recommend finding a BACP registered therapist to work with and consider too contacting NAPAC - their link is here napac.org.uk/. Another program that is certainly worth looking at here is the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid/

No-one sadly ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is like and you still do not know what that is; this relationship is not it. Its another poor relationship you've got yourself into here and now you will have to extricate yourself from it.

Love your own self for a change OP. What is actually good about this relationship?. Just because you no longer thankfully suffer screaming arguments does not necessarily mean that this relationship is infact miles better than previous ones.

This. With bells on

[Sunrise234]

I forgot about him ‘forgetting’ about doing things - this would be a red flag for me.

Is he purposely just saying things to keep you happy knowing he has no intention of it?

[NoSquirrels]

It isn't all the time, theres a lot of good in the relationship as well. Does everyone compromise for the odd shitshow although the relationship is generally good?

Everyone does compromise, yes - no person is ever 100% right for another person. But it's about growth in the relationship, I guess - how you both change and compromise for each other.

If you feel like you are the one having to compromise things that are important to you, and there's no quid pro quo on the other side, then that is when you need to speak up and seek change - be that through couple's counselling, individual counselling, or breaking up.

No one on MN can - or should - tell you what to do in this situation because it doesn't sound clear cut. So you'll need to figure out how to get some clarity for yourself on how you are really feeling.

[Sunrise234]

There are various things I have found upsetting. He was describing an incident of animal cruelty in detail once, he was telling me a story about him and his ex another time and I didnt feel like I needed to hear it, he compared a minor incident in his life to a major incident in my life once which was pretty offensive, it's not all the same issue.

Him saying upsettings things and not stopping when I ask him would annoy me and it would be something I would end the relationship over if it kept happening.
If someone asked me to stop saying something because it was upsetting them then I would stop. It is quite cruel to carry on.
The animal abuse and minor issue thing I would be upset about although the thing about him and his ex may be just your insecurities.

The other things like playing Disney dad would really annoy me especially as you have other kids but I’m not sure if this is something I would end a relationship over for now as i don’t think you’re going to find someone who parents the exact same ways as you do.

[notacooldad]

He isn't a bad guy at all
He probably is t a bad guy at all.
However you both have very different established parenting styles that are conflicting so that's a disaster waiting to happen.
Also he can remember to do things for other people but forgets what he has promised you, especially if it us something important? That's not a good omen either.
I think he isnt going to change, the kids will resent the difference in the expectations of them and how one gets everything for nothing and others have to earn it. You will resent being forgotten about.
I would end this relationship rather than let resentment build up.