Husband makes me feel stupid in public

[Snowflakes1122]

Sometimes in public situations, if I say something my DH doesn’t like or he wants me to stop talking he will give me this cold stern face to signal me to stop talking. He has done it a few times over the years.

For instance, when I was in labour I wouldn’t stop talking as I was nervous. He did it then and told me to shush. And I felt really upset at the time. He also did it last week when I was taking to a neighbour. All I said was I admired her skills in her profession. Nothing controversial. I don’t understand

Why does he do this?

When I ask him he denies doing it!

He is a nice man other than this. But it’s causing me to lose confidence in myself socially. I feel stupid and embarrassed when he does it.

[ChristmasFluff]

The next time he does it, say 'you know how you always say you don't put me down in public? Well then what would you call what you've just done?'

If he doesn't stop (and I suspect he won't) then it's simply that he has no respect for you - and actually he sounds contemptuous of you.

Not sure why you would want to be with someone who didn't respect you. And there's no coming back from contempt, if that is what it is.

I'd echo others - I suspect he is actually very controlling, and you have learned how to keep him happy most of the time, so there's only this left for him to be unhappy about.

[Karwomannghia]

If it’s in front of someone else I would stop and say to him, “are you ok?” To get him to verbalise how he’s intending to shut you up. then continue.

[suggestionsplease1]

It is controlling yes, and sounds unacceptable in the labour situation and inappropriate with your neighbour.

I'll hold my hand up and say I have been guilty of a look in the past, I think at a lower level, in a situation where an ex talked on and on about herself in front of someone without thinking to ask how they were doing after a difficult period in their life. I wanted to subtly indicate that we should ask her about how she was doing, but didn't want to interrupt my ex either.

But yes, that was controlling too, and a sign that the relationship wasn't right. I did feel embarrassed, and that's not how you should be feeling towards your partner. And neither should I have been conveying that when it had the possibility to damage my ex's self-esteem. I think it was a wake call to me that I was tempted to do that, that things weren't right.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Wow - if my ExH had told me to shush while I was in labour there would have been no way the OW would have been able to get pregnant!

He doesn't sound nice OP.
Check out 'gaslighting abuse'
And next time just tell him to fuck off!
Don't allow him to make you feel small.
Stand tall and proud and 'shush' him if you need to!
A dose of his own medicine might wake him up to how fucking awful this is!

Is it the only thing he does that makes you feel like this?
Or is this the tip of the abusive iceberg?

[Shoxfordian]

Ignore him
He sounds like a knob

[SandyY2K]

Either ignore him..or ask if he has a problem or say "are you okay? You're face looks odd"

Any man who hushes a woman in labour deserves to be turfed out of the room at the least. What an absolute cheek.

[Bargebill19]

Stop taking him out in public.
Problem solved.

[roxfox]

@Snowflakes1122

I’m going to talk even more next time he does it. Fuck that fucker.

Good for you op

[Regularsizedrudy]

He is a horrible person

[Giraffey1]

Give him the Paddington hard stare and then carry on chatting. How dare he!

[myfavouritefudgecake]

Eurgh. This makes me go cold all over. It takes a long time to rebuild confidence.

I had an ex who was a bit of a laugh a minute and class clown type in public. He'd do things like this. On one occasion he told a niche joke about a certain celebrity and the group laughed including me; and then he turned to me in front of everyone and said "why are you laughing, there's no way you know who [said celeb] is!". I was quite young and mumbled that I did know and it was the person who did such and such. Nobody around the table ever said anything about it ever again and I considered them my best friends. It took a long time to learn they were silently complicit in his emotional abuse of me and I'm no longer friends with any of them; and ex is very much an ex.

I'm not saying your situation is necessarily the same, as you'll know much better than me, but it took a very very long time for me to recover from multiple occasions like that.

[iloverock]

Why would you not simply say. Did you just tell me to shush. Tinkly laugh and then carry the fuck on.

What a dick

[Nellylou]

That is really rude giving you the glare to shut you up.. it's a form of control.. like others have said talk louder or tell him how it makes you feel.. if he continues to do this I'd get rid of him

[Thatnameistaken]

Just sigh and roll your eyes and carry on. Whoever you're talking to will think he's being incredibly rude anyway, no need for you to feel embarrassed at all.

[fairlyplump]

Tell him to shut up telling you to shut up. He's not your dad!

[lesleyw1953]

Turn it back on him "Why are you behaving like this ? I've asked you to stop and you are embarrassing me by being so controlling"

[Snowflakes1122]

I’m going to talk even more next time he does it. Fuck that fucker.

[bedface]

Talk more and louder. Don't make yourself small or become silent to please him or anyone else. If he carries on, get rid.

[Snowflakes1122]

Not controlling in other ways, but seems to occasionally to do this type of behaviour in public when I’m speaking. He has corrected me in public before (idiot DH was incorrect BTW )

It does make me feel inferior. I’m so pissed at him.

I definitely need to call him out publicly next time. I just end up being lost for words and feeling hurt.

[Powerplant]

Ditto Pelleas he’s a dick carry on talking and when he’s starts shushing or whatever say excuse me to the person you’re talking to, ask DH if there’s a problem then resume your conversation. Do not let him undermine you or affect your confidence.

[Elieza]

He may have a point if you are wittering in a load of crap and the neighbour is clearly bored! But he shouldn’t be shushing you. He would be better speaking to you about any concerns he has about your chat when the two of you are alone.

As for shushing you in labour, how very dare he wtf was he thinking. You can say or do whatever the hell you want at that one time (providing you’re not hurting anyone obv). The nurse wouldnt mind you chatting away.

Sounds like he is embarrassed by you. That can lead to disrespect. Putting you down. Verbally abusing you.

Get his behaviour nipped in the bud. Tell him it’s disrespectful to shush you and he’d better not do it again. Cheeky guy that he is.

[wildcherries]

He is a nice man other than this

This means that he is pleasant when it suits him. So he's not a nice person. I can't believe he shushed you in labour. That's awful. Don't let him get away with this dickish behaviour. I'm upset for you!

[sarahC40]

Have you ever told him how he makes you feel? Try that and ask him if he intends to embarrass you, because if he does, he’s a controlling shit. It’s not up to him to steer you like that. Call him out - a stern look from him needs a response right then with, ‘what’s the matter with you?’

[IloveBeefJerky]

You're not his child. You're letting him control your actions and you shouldn't. Even if you were saying something vaguely controversial that he didn't like, no one has any right to stop you from saying what you want. You are not property. You have your own voice and i suggest you use it to tell him to FUCK OFF AND GET SOME RESPECT.

also, your neighbour probably thinks he is a right cunt

[Bunnymumy]

As pp said. How dare he tell you to hush when you were in labour!? That's not something a 'nice man' does. Unless it was whilst the nurse was trying to advise you of something important and you weren't taking it in or something...

I dunno op. Any other red flags? Has he form for being condescending or making you feel 'wrong' in your opinions or like you dont know what you are talking about?