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Relationships

Can I trust someone who cheated in his past?

35 replies

Howeverfar · 24/07/2020 12:23

I've been with DP almost 3 years and we have begun to seriously plan for our future together (saving for a house, planning to get engaged).

The issue is that he has cheated on 2 of his exes. The first when he was 18 and had moved away for college. He was on the cusp of becoming exclusive with a girl (who I'll call B) and became close with a girl in his dorm (I'll call C). He got into a relationship with B but cheated with C for 6 months. He ended things with C and remained with B (no cheating) for another 5 years (ironically B started a relationship with someone else whilst they were together which was what broke them up).

The second instance was when he was 24. He moved to a new city for postgrad and met 2 girls his first few weeks (D and E). He was getting to know them both in a dating capacity before becoming exclusive with one of them (I'll call D). You can see where this is going. During the early stages of their 1.5 year relationship he slept with E twice.

I met him before he began dating D (or E) but we were friends for 2 years (and he was single for 6 months) before we fell for each other. We fell pretty hard and he told me about all his past cheating saying he wanted to be fully honest and not do anything like that again. He has not cheated on me and not come close but recently I've begun wondering if I'm hopelessly naive to believe he won't in the future? For his part he regrets his actions and acknowledges that he's capable of such awful behaviour but claims that the trigger both times was he was dating both before a relationship happened and he was scared to lose the other (this doesn't excuse his behaviour but he's making an effort to understand how it occurred before so he can avoid it again). I believe his desire to change is genuine and that he himself believes he won't cheat on me, but life is long and temptations will happen.

I should mention what is good about the relationship also. We have a deep connection forged through our two year frienship and grown in our relationship. I find him very attractive and we have the same humour and the same long term goals. 

Should we build a future together?

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Howeverfar · 26/07/2020 22:26

Thank you all for your perspectives. I think I was seeking permission to trust him really. Every article I read was like "once a cheater always a cheater". I wanted to believe that wasn't true. Off the back of this I've spoken to him about ensuring boundaries are in place in any opposite sex friendships he develops and he is happy with it.

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Notjustabrunette · 26/07/2020 21:48

I cheated on my long term bf when I was 22. It was my first serious relationship and I wanted out but didn’t know how to end it. I learnt from this experience that there are much better ways to end a relationship rather then cheating!
I then cheated on my next boyfriend but was completely unaware that I had done so until I had a very confusing conversation on the the phone with the guy I had cheated on him with. Basically I had gone on a night out, got so drunk I kissed a guy and gave him my phone number. Apparently according to my friends he was very good looking!
Anyway, that’s my cheating story. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and have never even considered cheating on him.
I would say if someone cheats on people when they’re younger it tends to be because they’re still learning about life. I actually think it can be a good thing to make a few fuck ups that can be learnt from.
If someone’s made it to their late 20s/30s and still behaving like an idiot, then yes it could be part of their personality to cheat and best avoided.

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user1493413286 · 25/07/2020 20:01

I cheated on a boyfriend when I was 18 and when I was a bit older. I have never cheated on DH and I know why I cheated on those people; I’m not excusing what I did but the relationships weren’t right and the main thing I have learnt is that you should leave a relationship before getting to that point (seems obvious I know but the first time I was young and the second time was complex). In all honesty I would be frustrated if DH had judged me on behaviour in previous relationships; I can in theory understand why but equally I’m not the same person now and I know he has acted in ways which he wouldn’t now.

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BurtsBeesKnees · 25/07/2020 19:57

People grow up and aren't the same person they were years ago. I met my dh in my 40s and he's in his 50s. Both of us have questionable pasts, but I know I'm a very different person to the one I was years ago. I also think the same applies to him. I'd never cheat on him now, however I'm ashamed to admit I have cheated in the past, even when I was married previously .

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complicated101 · 25/07/2020 18:57

@Anonanonon we haven't been together that long, almost a year, but have been through some crisis situations involving family members. He treats me so well, that I don't need to get attention from anyone else. I usually cheated because I was insecure, but I'm not now at all, I feel fully secure, I have no desire to cheat at all.

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1moremum · 24/07/2020 23:04

with B & C it was clearly cheating but they were all very young.
with D and E, it sounds like the decision to clearly date one or the other wasn't a hard line decision, and looking back on it, since he did end up in a relationship, the muddled early stage now seems like cheating?

At any rate, he has been with you long past the early stage where his previous cheating happened, and has known you longer than that. his cheating doesn't come along instead of breaking up, it comes along before really committing. Once he is in, he is in. it seems to me.

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MozzchopsThirty · 24/07/2020 22:32

I was always looking for attention
Don't need it with DP
He treats me like a princess and no man could ever come close to what he gives me

THATS WHY ILL NEVER CHEAT AGAIN

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Dacquoise · 24/07/2020 21:09

My mother cheated on my dad umpteen times. It was her way of looking for excitement and an escape route from her dissatisfaction with her life choices. She also cheated on her second husband with her third. A friend of mine also has form for only going after unavailable married attached men. Both create their own misery and have little empathy for those affected by their behaviour. It seems to be default behaviour so the likelihood of it reoccurring is, I would say, high. I suppose it depends on the reasons why people do it and how reactive they are when under stress or opportunity as opposed to being reflective about their choices.

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Crystalspider · 24/07/2020 18:58

It's very common for young people to cheat as they are more immature, some people can grow up and act more responsible and of course some that never will and there's no guarantee that anybody wouldn't cheat on you, go by how you secure you feel with him.

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august11 · 24/07/2020 18:52

Given his age I think there is the possibility of him 'growing up' and being faithful. However, I then think of the serial cheater Boris Johnson (and a few other men) and this puts doubts.

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Howeverfar · 24/07/2020 18:28

@christmasfluff I agree with you. Though I think there's a difference between identifying triggers/patterns so you can avoid them and blaming circumstances and not yourself.

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ChristmasFluff · 24/07/2020 18:16

The thing that makes me think he hasn't changed and will cheat again (and the reason I believe some people on this thread who are 'reformed cheaters' will cheat in the future) is that he is still blaming it on circumstance, and not on himself.

I cheated. I saw the devastation I caused, and the pain it caused my then'partner. I literally drive him mad.

I vowed to never again do that to another person. I do not ever, EVER want to cause anyone that sort of pain again - whatever the circumstance and whatever I could possibly use as an excuse.

That was in the 1990s. I have never cheated since. I never will cheat.

Unless he fully accepts that his cheating was all on him, the possibility remains. As it does with PPs

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noego · 24/07/2020 17:57

He's very rare then @howeverfar

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Howeverfar · 24/07/2020 17:46

@noego he trusts me implicitly and completely. He knows me well enough to know that I'd leave a relationship rather than cheat.

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noego · 24/07/2020 16:30

He's more likely not to trust you. Given that he knows how easy it is to cheat and that the women he cheated with knew he was in a relationship. This cheating thing works both ways.
A cheater is much more wary of their partner when in a relationship and can lead to control and jealousy.

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Anonanonon · 24/07/2020 16:21

@complicated101 I don’t want to derail the thread, but how long have you been together and have you been through any crises yet (e.g parents dying, life-threatening illnesses, financial difficulties, aging issues, etc)?

If you’ve been together less than three years the oxytocin will still be talking and helping to stop your eye from wandering. If it’s under seven years you won’t have hit the infamous “itch”.

If you’ve not been together through a crisis, you won’t have been together during a time when you’re both utterly depressed and you have to choose to live with it rather than escape to someone else who can make life seem fun again.

My ex swore she would stay single for at least two years if we ever split. She swore this whilst we were having marriage counselling. She said even if she asked for us to end it herself, the relationship was so significant she wouldn’t be able jump into another for at least that long. I think she honestly felt that and meant that when she said it.

In reality, it took her all of three weeks after we agreed to separate, for her to be shagging her new partner in our marital bed. Every night I had the kids.

Words and best intentions aren’t worth spit.

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Howeverfar · 24/07/2020 14:40

The truth is I can't know that I'm THAT person for DP (the one he'd never cheat on). I don't believe in THAT person you wouldn't cheat on fixes a pattern of behaviour. I do think if someone is willing to work on their own behaviour they aren't condemed to constantly make the same mistakes.

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SuePerb · 24/07/2020 14:12

I don't know OP. The people I know who've cheated, have cheated in every relationship - and even if they never cheat again, it's a pretty rubbish character trait to have.
And for all the previous cheats on here saying that they'd never cheat with the person they're with now - how do you know you're THAT person for your DP?

That said, you never know about anyone. Everyone gets married thinking it's forever, and marriages end for many reasons.

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complicated101 · 24/07/2020 14:00

I have cheated on most of my previous partners... but the man I'm with now I have no desire to look at anyone else, I know I won't cheat. So no, I don't think it means he will cheat just because he has on other people.

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Anonanonon · 24/07/2020 13:57

OP: just read your last post. If he’s willing to work on it, that’s half the battle. Would say it also depends on your ages - if you’re in your twenties there’s more chance of this not being ingrained than if you’re in your late thirties!

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PicsInRed · 24/07/2020 13:55

No. A serial cheat will justify it to themselves, always.

If you're the "right person" they wouldn't cheat on? As soon as you are no longer "right"...they consider it totally legit to cheat.

Can't trust a recidivist cheat, no point to it.

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Anonanonon · 24/07/2020 13:54

TD;LR: If you’re someone who can’t summon the effort to work on and/or end a relationship when you hit one of life’s inevitable crappy patches or someone who flaps through life like a leaf on the wind, passively being led by whatever fancy urge or whim takes precedence then why would you not cheat again?

Because this person is the one? Sorry, but too many people think Love is like some kind of magic charm which, if you’ve got it, somehow prevents you from being tempted with no effort required on your part. Life just isn’t like that.

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Howeverfar · 24/07/2020 13:50

@anonanonon I think you're right about the whishy washyness about setting boundaries. He has historically been quite bad at that. He's aware of it and I don't think it's insurmountable but I'm glad you've put it into words for me so he can work on it. (He's very willing to work on stuff related to our relationship, like we used to communicate badly and we worked on it and now do it well).

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Anonanonon · 24/07/2020 13:41

I agree with the PP who said they’d be more worried if he’d cheated when in a long term relationship. At 18 I think most of us are emotionally immature and selfish. The thing is, most of us grow out of it whereas those who cheat tend to have not done. That’s where I think “once a cheat always a cheat” tends to apply: it’s not that they’ve got an unchangeable “cheater gene” or anything, it’s more that a grown-up should have the maturity to handle these things more responsibly and the self-awareness to understand the world demands compromise and reciprocity and not everything being about their “needs” to exclusion of others needs.

If you’re still stuck with an 18 year olds world view at 30, with no willingness to do the work to change and no consequences to put you off doing the same thing again then, yes, I think there’s a strong likelihood a cheater will cheat again. Because... why not? Every partner gets annoying sometimes eventually. Every couple hits rocky patches or life crises at some point.

As another PP said, I’d be more concerned with his wishy-washyness and inability to enforce boundaries. If that mindset persists it’s setting up a situation where you might have had a bad month when kids come along and then - oops! - I seem to be an emotional affair with my cute work colleague without realising it! The reason most affairs happen is because people don’t set the boundaries in the first place to ensure they don’t happen and before they know it, it’s too late and they’re on the slippery slope.

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Howeverfar · 24/07/2020 13:29

Not sure how to tag people but these perspectives are hugely helpful. I've always believed "once a cheater, always a cheater" but he believes he's changed and that these were both the result of not fully deciding before becoming exclusive and that obviously isn't the case with us.

He hasn't been in any long term relationships except these and now 3 years with me (though he didn't cheat on B for the last 4.5 years but it hardly counts). I'm the first where he hasn't cheated but also the first where there was a long pre existing friendship (best friends) so it's not like he could hide stuff from me cause I already knew him so well.

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