40, separated & childless

[Planbforme]

Hello. My marriage broke down and I’m moving into a houseshare with 3 others at 40. We never had children — we tried for a while but it didn’t work and then it became clear ‘we’ would not go the distance. The break-up was long and sad.

I’m trying hard to stay positive but I won’t lie: it’s hard. I LOVE children and I love companionship and I feel like ‘the biggest loser’ in the separation. My STBEXH has the house we lived in — we had been renting & he bought it alone and he also has the dog because I can’t have a dog in the houseshare. I also feel he has a better shot at having kids as he’s a man.

So, I guess I’m just looking for some hope or encouragement. I have a hobby that I want to devote time to but it’ll be harder to do with much less space in the houseshare. I’m scared and lonely but also hopeful.

Anyone got any words of encouragement or anyone been in this situation at 40?

40 really feels a lot older than ‘late 30s’ especially fertility-wise. I guess there’s a lot going on in my head. All input welcome.

Thank you

[Runnerduck34]

Sorry just read your update about solicitor, personally i don't think it was fair on you at all but pleased you are happy to move on. Look after yourself, exercise does make you feel better, good haircut, long hot soak in the bath

[Lobsterquadrille2]

A friend of mine bought herself a six month subscription to Match when she was 40, with a very clear objective that she wanted a child - and was very open about this. She did have the child but via donor egg so, as others have said, do have your levels checked.

Do you have plans to rent or buy your own space, or is the house share for an indeterminate period? Either way, make the most of the space that's your own. Make it somewhere that reflects who you are, surrounded by things that bring you happiness of some sort.

See friends that you've not been able to because of lockdown. Have a routine, especially for Sundays which can be family days for others - there's plenty to do but plan ahead.

It's partly time and a mindset. You take a day at a time and then at some point you realise that a week has passed without negative thoughts, that you have enjoyed yourself and are looking forward with hope and not backwards with regret.

This is light hearted: read some of the threads in relationships. Just because others are married with children doesn't mean that everything is rosy. None of us think that, but being single often seems a lot more straightforward.

[ukgift2016]

Honestly? I think you are naive to allow this man to have all the assets.

[Mintjulia]

Op, at 40 I had a mortgage but was single & childless. Plus I’d been told I couldn’t have a family.
I conceived at 44 out of the blue, with no intervention and ds is perfect. So it can happen.
I think the answer for you is to enjoy your single life, put some effort into making new friends, going new places, and if you haven’t found anyone in maybe a year or two, consider a sperm donor.
Good luck x

[Planbforme]

Thanks so much for your comments. I don’t want to get into the assets etc as all things considered, it was the right decision.

I know I do need to make the most out of single life and try to enjoy it as best I can. I know too that marriage & children are not the be-all and end-all. Some married people with children are happy though & a lot of that happiness comes from a fulfilling partnership & children. I know there’s more than one road to happiness though & I'm trying my hardest to be positive (feels like a second job!).

I like this piece of advice:

See friends that you've not been able to because of lockdown. Have a routine, especially for Sundays which can be family days for others - there's plenty to do but plan ahead. It's partly time and a mindset. You take a day at a time and then at some point you realise that a week has passed without negative thoughts, that you have enjoyed yourself and are looking forward with hope and not backwards with regret

The part about Sundays is so true. I’ll need to have a routine for weekends in general.

The thoughts of being away from my dog and living with 3 strangers scares me but who knows — maybe it’ll be better than I think.

Also, joint custody of a dog might not be a good idea. Did any of you do that? Am I better to just let the dog go? 😞

[Lickmylegs0]

@Planbforme I think you have a VERY positive attitude and this is your key strength. I managed to get into my best physical shape at 40 and it was very empowering. And I did it for ME - no one else. I’m certain that this helped me through IVF. I found the NHS doctors were reluctant for me to have a blood test for FSH, they wanted the fertility clinic to do it (for budget reasons I think) - but I was quite pushy about it, and they did it. You may need a letter from a fertility clinic, but - as this appears to be the first step before paying for any treatment, it may not cost you anything.

[Lickmylegs0]

But having been at that cusp myself - not knowing if I could/would have children - like I said it’s not a magic wand. I’m happy, but I have no freedom and that was a huge adjustment - especially having been free for nearly 40 years! I have lots of stresses now over family and my children’s welfare. With no children, I would have travelled, explored and these things would have made me happy too.

[Planbforme]

@Lickmylegs0

Thank you. I will speak to the doctor about my fertility.

It is very true — there are many ways to achieve happiness. I have spent 40 years being unsettled (even while married!) and boy am I ready for some peace and calm.

Reading, my hobby, exercise, expressing gratitude, work and spending time with family and friends will keep me busy and hopefully happy.

As time goes by, I may look in to OLD. I am still very much healing from my marriage so first things first. Xxx