40, separated & childless

[Planbforme]

Hello. My marriage broke down and I’m moving into a houseshare with 3 others at 40. We never had children — we tried for a while but it didn’t work and then it became clear ‘we’ would not go the distance. The break-up was long and sad.

I’m trying hard to stay positive but I won’t lie: it’s hard. I LOVE children and I love companionship and I feel like ‘the biggest loser’ in the separation. My STBEXH has the house we lived in — we had been renting & he bought it alone and he also has the dog because I can’t have a dog in the houseshare. I also feel he has a better shot at having kids as he’s a man.

So, I guess I’m just looking for some hope or encouragement. I have a hobby that I want to devote time to but it’ll be harder to do with much less space in the houseshare. I’m scared and lonely but also hopeful.

Anyone got any words of encouragement or anyone been in this situation at 40?

40 really feels a lot older than ‘late 30s’ especially fertility-wise. I guess there’s a lot going on in my head. All input welcome.

Thank you

[Planbforme]

@Lickmylegs0

Thank you. I will speak to the doctor about my fertility.

It is very true — there are many ways to achieve happiness. I have spent 40 years being unsettled (even while married!) and boy am I ready for some peace and calm.

Reading, my hobby, exercise, expressing gratitude, work and spending time with family and friends will keep me busy and hopefully happy.

As time goes by, I may look in to OLD. I am still very much healing from my marriage so first things first. Xxx

[Lickmylegs0]

But having been at that cusp myself - not knowing if I could/would have children - like I said it’s not a magic wand. I’m happy, but I have no freedom and that was a huge adjustment - especially having been free for nearly 40 years! I have lots of stresses now over family and my children’s welfare. With no children, I would have travelled, explored and these things would have made me happy too.

[Lickmylegs0]

@Planbforme I think you have a VERY positive attitude and this is your key strength. I managed to get into my best physical shape at 40 and it was very empowering. And I did it for ME - no one else. I’m certain that this helped me through IVF. I found the NHS doctors were reluctant for me to have a blood test for FSH, they wanted the fertility clinic to do it (for budget reasons I think) - but I was quite pushy about it, and they did it. You may need a letter from a fertility clinic, but - as this appears to be the first step before paying for any treatment, it may not cost you anything.

[Planbforme]

Thanks so much for your comments. I don’t want to get into the assets etc as all things considered, it was the right decision.

I know I do need to make the most out of single life and try to enjoy it as best I can. I know too that marriage & children are not the be-all and end-all. Some married people with children are happy though & a lot of that happiness comes from a fulfilling partnership & children. I know there’s more than one road to happiness though & I'm trying my hardest to be positive (feels like a second job!).

I like this piece of advice:

See friends that you've not been able to because of lockdown. Have a routine, especially for Sundays which can be family days for others - there's plenty to do but plan ahead. It's partly time and a mindset. You take a day at a time and then at some point you realise that a week has passed without negative thoughts, that you have enjoyed yourself and are looking forward with hope and not backwards with regret

The part about Sundays is so true. I’ll need to have a routine for weekends in general.

The thoughts of being away from my dog and living with 3 strangers scares me but who knows — maybe it’ll be better than I think.

Also, joint custody of a dog might not be a good idea. Did any of you do that? Am I better to just let the dog go? 😞

[Mintjulia]

Op, at 40 I had a mortgage but was single & childless. Plus I’d been told I couldn’t have a family.
I conceived at 44 out of the blue, with no intervention and ds is perfect. So it can happen.
I think the answer for you is to enjoy your single life, put some effort into making new friends, going new places, and if you haven’t found anyone in maybe a year or two, consider a sperm donor.
Good luck x

[ukgift2016]

Honestly? I think you are naive to allow this man to have all the assets.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

A friend of mine bought herself a six month subscription to Match when she was 40, with a very clear objective that she wanted a child - and was very open about this. She did have the child but via donor egg so, as others have said, do have your levels checked.

Do you have plans to rent or buy your own space, or is the house share for an indeterminate period? Either way, make the most of the space that's your own. Make it somewhere that reflects who you are, surrounded by things that bring you happiness of some sort.

See friends that you've not been able to because of lockdown. Have a routine, especially for Sundays which can be family days for others - there's plenty to do but plan ahead.

It's partly time and a mindset. You take a day at a time and then at some point you realise that a week has passed without negative thoughts, that you have enjoyed yourself and are looking forward with hope and not backwards with regret.

This is light hearted: read some of the threads in relationships. Just because others are married with children doesn't mean that everything is rosy. None of us think that, but being single often seems a lot more straightforward.

[Runnerduck34]

Sorry just read your update about solicitor, personally i don't think it was fair on you at all but pleased you are happy to move on. Look after yourself, exercise does make you feel better, good haircut, long hot soak in the bath

[Runnerduck34]

Sorry you are feeling so rubbish, the house should be a marital asset, have you seen a solicitor? Dont get taken for a ride, make sure you get 50% of the assets .
Going through a divorce is hard, but it will get better, just give it time. I would throw myself into hobby, go out for a walk, couch to 5k , see friends and family and be kind to yourself.
And when you are ready investigate internet dating, my friend had her DD at 45, yes its harder being a woman as there is undeniably a time limit but it could still happen, but concentrate on your own well being first. Would it be worth talking to your GP to see what help is available to get you through this tough time?
But honestly dont walk away from your marriage with nothing get legal advice.

[PicsInRed]

What kind of self-care tips worked for any of you?

Repeatedly telling myself that it's for the best and never allowing myself to forget the truth of what he was really like. It's so easy to miss a person and gloss over the the horrors. To appreciate the freedom, you have to remember the necessity for freedom. That's not dwelling, where it's vigilance against repetition. In remembering how hollow that "togetherness" really was, you can come to better appreciate the peace and serenity of apartness. 💐

[Planbforme]

What kind of self-care tips worked for any of you?

I’m terrified about how big this is and how much everything is going to change.

[Planbforme]

I’ve made peace with all of that but thanks, I know — splitting was sadly for the best. I still care a lot about him though and moving on will be hard.

[PicsInRed]

Him keeping all the money, using that money to buy the house you rented (which he had never bought before), thereby leaving you will no money and forced to house share and as a result losing your dog to him...he sounds extremely controlling and a punisher.

Interesting reference to potential trouble from him AND his family if you refused to walk away with nothing.

Have you considered that this relationship may have been abusive and that you had a lucky escape? Child sharing with one of these is a living hades. Total life ruiner.

[Planbforme]

Yes it’s all signed with a solicitor. I’m happy with that decision. It would have caused great heartache with him & his family and would not have been worth it.

I suppose at 40, most of my mates are coupled off with kids. I Just want to find a way to be happy & fulfilled as I essentially redefine myself. I see so much of STBEXH right now and even though the split is for the best, it will be a strange time when I make the move.

[Notcoolmum]

Have you signed a clean break order? You we're entitled to half the assets. And it didn't mean you werent independent or were relying on him. It's what you we're entitled to after your marriage. Would you feel better now if you had more ££ behind you to start your new life?

Good luck with your new start. A chance to work at what makes you happy.

[Planbforme]

Thanks re fertility . I do track and I’ll ask my GP about FSH. xxx

[Planbforme]

Thanks for all of your comments.

Clubs & hobbies are a good idea. Exercise is a great idea. I might use this as an opportunity to be in the best shape of my life ... at 40! I love my grub but the endorphin rush of exercise could be good.

I decided not to go after any of his assets in the separation agreement. I just kept what’s mine & he kept what’s his. I really couldn’t handle any more stress. I’m happy with that decision even though I know I could have more if I did but I followed my heart and I want complete independence. A part of me does feel like I’ve lost a lost ... but hopefully it’s temporary.

I agree that there are advantages to not having children. I do appreciate them and I’m willing to accept (with sadness) that it may never happen. However, I’m not willing to accept being single forever — I love companionship and that’s a top priority for me.

I’m worried that when I move out into a houseshare I’ll crash & burn & I suppose I’m trying to prepare now (taking Covid into consideration) for how best to avoid deep sadness & loneliness.

[GilbertMarkham]

Incidentally, how did your stbexh buy the house on his own, and you have to rent in shared house was there no split of assets?

Are you Def getting fair financial deal in divorce?

[GilbertMarkham]

I’m not TTC yet as I’m single

I realised but had the same point as vikingwife in that (if the children aspect is important as seemed to be the case?) thinking about v purposeful dating and about getting a grip on your fertility (check that may highlight or exclude any potential issues from your side, tracking etc) is crucial.

[Pelleas]

Don't forget there are enormous benefits to being childfree, should children not happen for you. I understand that some people have a powerful urge for children, but it isn't all bad news if that isn't possible. Without children, you have complete freedom; all your money is yours to use as you wish, and you don't have vicarious worries on your children's behalf. You can live where you like without having to worry about schools, go on holiday when and where you like, keep whatever hours you like, go on spontaneous trips and breaks, have any routine you want (or no routine) and make career decisions without having to factor in childcare.

[vikingwife]

I am almost 40 & childfree so different situation, but if I was you I would be gearing up to do some hardcore internet dating at this point. It’s a numbers game, expanding your options & being in the dating pool can’t hurt.

Yes Tinder gets a bad rap for a hookup place but there are genuinely people out there looking for love & meaningful relationship who use dating apps & sites. Knowing what you want will help weed out the time wasters.

You also mention that you did previously try to conceive with your ex but it “didn’t work” - so a visit to a doctor to rule out any possible fertility issues would be wise.

[MMmomDD]

OP - divorce is hard at any age. And it takes time but you will get to a better place. Certainly better than a bad relationship.
You did mention being married - which makes the house you lived in a marital asset, at least if you are in the UK.
Have you had legal advice re financial split?

[gamerout]

Join groups. Meet-up. Gym. Zoom exercise. Triathlon. Starting joining clubs and finding fun ways to fill your weekend. I started a degree at university. Wicked fun. You can now do anything you want. Stuck in a boring job. Change it. Go back packing round Thailand/Australia. I’m kind of jealous right now. I had a child at 43 so it’s not over for you

[Lickmylegs0]

It gave me a positive mindset, and a great sense of achievement. I also put my successful IVF cycle partly down to completing couch to 10k just prior to treatment.

[Lickmylegs0]

Absolutely couch to 5k - or couch to 10k. I was hopeless at running, and really unfit - and it turned me into a runner!