I'm being blamed for our problems

[IdowhatIwantnow]

Hi everyone,

My DH and I have been together for 2 years, married 1 year. We didn't live with each other util after we married, and our relationship since then has been gradually deteriorating.

He's suffered from debilitating anxiety since he was young and has been on anti anxiety meds for a little over a year. He says he feels 100% better, but the anxiety is still there. He's asked me not to do certain activities, or mention certain things because they cause him anxiety, which I did in the beginning (I am a bit of a people pleaser) because I thought I was being supportive. But things just got worse, and he gets more and more irritated and frustrated with me, to the point that my mental health nose dived and I was crying all the time.
(I have another thread buried here somewhere going into a little more detail)

I've been staying for the last 2 weeks or so in my own home, separate from him, just to clear my head. He's staying at the new home we bought last year. I've told him that I'm doing my part (meds and therapy) but that I can't fix us by myself.

Tonight he texted me, accusing me of deleting him off fb (I deleted fb several months ago because he got on me for spending so much time on it from his perspective). I denied it, but admitted to removing him as a follower on a sports training tracking site which made him furious.

He tells me that I need to up my meds and that I'm not thinking straight, and he did so again tonight via text. He said that deleting him off the strava site was "not healthy" and that it really hurt him. But whenever I try to tell him that him berating me or getting irritated with me hurts me, it falls on deaf ears. I feel like I'm talking to a wall, and he doesn't acknowledge my pain at all. When we had a virtual chat before all of this went down, he blamed me for his reaction (he cut me off mid sentence saying, "I don't want to hear about this!" when I mentioned my abusive parent in passing) and said that he had told me over and over that he never wanted to hear about that parent ever, and that if I mention her again, I can expect the same reaction.

I can't sleep tonight because my mind is racing. I can't believe this is happening to us. I have nothing at my house except a few clothes and my bed and a folding chair, and the rest of my things are at the other house, several hours away.

I just needed to write this out tonight, just to do something. I meet with my therapist this week and I hope I can keep it together until then. I feel so alone and unseen and unloved. I know there's really nothing I can do unless he learns how to own his shit. But I'm so very, very sad.

Because I know I'll be asked, I'm mid 50s, he's mid 40s, no kids on either side.

Thanks for reading.

[IdowhatIwantnow]

@Interestedwoman Thank you, and will do!

[IdowhatIwantnow]

DH and I talked tonight and he's very angry at all the drama with us. I asked him what he wanted to do about us and he said he doesn't see a way forward and that by me asking him to find a therapist of his own, he felt that I was blaming him for my emotional reactions.

He has a very stressful job and this is his busy season, so I do see his point about being overwhelmed with everything - me staying here and not selling the house and then me getting emotional and crying every time he expresses frustration. I asked him what he wanted to do and said that he didn't know and needed a break. Fair enough. But this is a clear path to divorce.

I didn't react to anything he said, I just said ok.

I really do see his point, but I'm not blaming myself for all of it. I don't think blame is even necessary. Neither of us did anything on purpose. I guess we just brought out the worst in each other these last 4 months.

I'm sad but not falling apart or anything. I'm sure that will be to come though.

[IdowhatIwantnow]

Something clicked last night during our text exchange. Obviously, he was very angry and didn't hold back, but when he said that I'm not thinking straight and that I should see a doctor about upping my meds, it was his (albeit) poor attempt to say that he can't manage when I fall apart emotionally, bursting into wreaking sobs and unable to pull myself together. That's been a theme in my life since childhood. I don't just cry when I feel emotional pain, I suffer.

This is the main reason why I've been in and out of therapy for the past 30 years - trying to get a grip on my "feelings of total overwhelming despair". He is right that I don't think clearly during those times, and, sadly, whenever he raises his voice or shows the slightest sign of anger, that's what triggers it in me. Ugh.

Yes, it would be great if we both could stop triggering each other's triggers, (another goal of being in therapy) but right now is his busy season at work, where he's putting in 12 hour days. On top of that, he's put in extra hours managing my lawsuit against my financial advisor for me (he works in finances and is so much more knowledgeable about it) so he's stretched pretty thin right now.

Maybe I'm making excuses because we're on the brink of divorce, but could it be as simple as different communication styles leading to huge misunderstandings, resentment, and frustration?

Something to discuss with my therapist in a couple of days. We're meeting again in a couple of days.

I just hope it's not too late. He said he needed a break, so as much as I want to share all this with him, I can't. Not right now.

Thanks again for reading and for your kind responses. I am listening, and thinking, and stumbling through trying to find the right path.

[namechange12a]

OP this whole thing sounds like hot mess.

Grass is a known trigger for mental health problems such as paranoia and anxiety so that may have contributed towards his anxiety.

He sounds like an angry person. You keep talking about him shouting at you and getting angry and frustrated.

How can he feel 100% better but still feel anxious? It doesn't make sense but there are red flags here:

1. Rushing into marriage - why?
2. Controlling what you do or say because of the effect it has on him

You're both diagnosing each other and medicalising each other. You're asking him to get a therapist and he's telling you to up your medication.

You sound very difficult to talk to since you keep breaking down in wracking sobs. How can you resolve any problems if you can't talk for crying?

It doesn't sound as though you've had the right kind of therapy or help if you've been in and out of therapy for thirty years and still don't have any strategies in place for dealing with emotional dysregulation, from the sounds of it. Have you been diagnosed with anything? Sounds like you need something like Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT).

I feel emotionally drained from reading your posts so I've no idea how you feel. Sounds exhausting to deal with.

[IdowhatIwantnow]

@namechange12a I understand. I'm exhausting even myself. I'll look more into DBT.

Thanks for the tough love. I'm doing my best, I promise.