Diabetic husband called me vile things during hypo

[rosesarepink2]

Husband is type 1 diabetic. The other day he had a hypo, and behaved like a drunk person. He shouted at me and called me a stupid ugly bitch, fugly, a cunt, fat, an idiot. And more I can't remember.

After his blood sugars went up he said he can't remember what was said and he wasn't in control of it. But should I just let it slide because of that? I think the ugly part hurt the most. I appreciate this is something many won't have experienced but I wondered how others would deal with the aftermath of this?

[chaoticisatroll55]

I've witnessed the most gentle kind souls say the most horrifically rude things during hypos as a nurse so personally I would let it go and never mention it. It means nothing.

[Oblomov20]

This thread has been very hard for me to read and I've found it quite upsetting.

Get few people realise how totally shit Type 1 Diabetes is. And it's a spectrum: for some people it's not that bad, they cope well. It doesn't seem to inhibit them that much.

For others it's very brittle, rollercoastering from high to low, no matter how hard you try. Even with a pump, a cgm, sensors, mine is volatile are hard to manage.

My world renown consultant at one of London's top hospitals says some peoples are just hard to manage.

Please educate yourself. Try and have some empathy. But for OP, maybe also a support network? Through the British Diabetic Association. To help spouses?

Because if my mum, my husband, my Ds1, Ds2 said such hurtful things, I think a bit of me inside would just die with the hurt and pain.

Sure being a carer is tough. I too have cared for my Dh in illness. But not with those thoughts.

[backseatcookers]

Just as his physical reaction to his diabetes (in this case aggression during a hypo) is valid, so too is your reaction. Your mental health doesn't stop being important when a partner has health issues (physical or mental).

I have bipolar and my behaviour during a manic episode (thankfully now I'm medicated this hasn't been an issue) has been thoughtless and selfish. That was due to my bipolar, which at the time was undiagnosed, but the effect on those around me shouldn't be minimised just because it was caused by a medical issue on my part.

You're allowed to feel unable to cope with a partners symptoms, or very hurt by them. You matter too.

So I have huge sympathy for you both, but please don't feel that you suddenly have to be ok with hearing hurtful things because they may be out of your DH's control. Is he being empathetic about the effect on you? It has to work both ways in a relationship that features health issues, it's hard enough even when you're on the same page with coping strategies

[Mnhealth202020]

Even if he has a plausible explanation, his reaction is still important. He should still apologise to you and respect that you have been hurt by this instead of expecting you to forget and let things slide. Reassurance wouldn’t hurt.

[MulticolourMophead]

Dad is type 1, and I can't recall him ever being aggressive during a hypo (which are thankfully rare), the last one he had some surreal hallucinations, one of which caused him to throw his wallet downstairs for me to pay the "meat man". We think he was mentally back in the late 1960s, when meat was delivered to the house . This hypo had been a knock on effect of another health issue needing treatment.

I know he can't control what he says or does, and often doesn't remember what he's been like, although he does occasionally remember snippets.

[notapizzaeater]

@isthisfinallyit - is it a libre you use .. you can pop the new one whilst your old one is still working and just activate it when the other runs out.

My DH becomes child like, giggling and totally unable to reason with him.

[Holothane]

As long as it’s a medical reason and you know it was a hypo I’d let it go, he couldn’t help it hugs.

[Aveisenim]

DC of a parent with type one here, and GP's with type 1 & 2.

It's unfortunately very normal during a hypo and for them not to remember afterwards. It doesn't mean it hurts any less though.

I'm sorry he hurt your feelings

[Doggybiccys]

@Oblomov20 - I agree. Verbal skills - which I take to mean speaking - are mechanistic. The thoughts in the brain are the problem and these are out of control during a hypo. My friend at school used to hypo and once called the teacher a “bad dog who was going to get put down”. I think it hurts when things seem more personal but the underlying pathophysiology is the same.

[HeIsAVeryBadBoy]

It is @Personita. One of my close relatives came downstairs and started filling every glass in the house with water as he was going into a hypo. No memory of it all all. The brain does bizarre things when it isn't well. I hope HunnyBunny has read this thread

[MissMoogle]

@Bunnymumy

If he had just shouted and sworn that would have been one thing but calling you derogatory names...I don't think I could forgive that.

I'd be wondering if he was actually just abusive and using this as an excuse.

And either way, what about the next time? And the next?

No thanks.

I suggest you educate yourself in type 1 diabetes. It is NOT abuse, it's my life long experience, having dealt with a type 1 diabetic my entire life, that they legitimately do not remember their actions when their blood sugar returns to normal.

The type 1 I deal with can be rude, she can be offensive, I've been told to fuck off more times than I can remember. They can also be incredibly stubborn and argumentative.

To *@rosesarepink2* please, bear with your husband. I realise that hypos can be incredibly scary to deal with and I understand only too well how hurtful the words can be, the way I deal with it, is to remind myself that my type 1 diabetic is not like this normally, she is as lovely as can be, and is always mortified to have been like this with me.

The only difference here is, that my type 1 is my mother, and shes been diabetic since I was a baby.

One last piece of advice for you *@rosesarepink2* and that's to please ensure your husband carries something that says he is a type 1 diabetic. Whether that be one of those emergency bracelets, a card in his wallet, or similar, because should he have a hypo and collapse, this could save his life.

[SettingUp792]

I don't think it's extreme at all, my son has had hypos and thought he was different people, he took on the persona of a character once. I'm not going to go into details because it's his life but it depends on how severe the hypo is really., Doesn't it? And as it affects the brain then everyone is going to react differently , aren't they?

Hypos can cause fits and convulsions and even death, so to say " he called me ugly? Does he mean it? Well unless he's called you ugly when he isn't in hypo then no. Honestly though,. I will say. After witnessing another person in hypo, how distressing that is a for everyone... If my takeaway from that was wondering if they meant I was ugly, I'd be looking at my own levels of empathy and/or self esteem.

[jellybeanz1212]

I'm type 1 for 19 years I've told people to fuck off and leave me alone I need to be alone but I've never had the brain power to call them anything else. Seems extreme to me!

[ThisIsJustReallyShitNow]

I suspect what the OP s wondering, as much as anything, is whether these thoughts are in his mind the rest of the time but only come out during a hypo when he has no control.

[Pesimistic]

People during a hypo attack are not them selves, they can be lash out and even be violent, of course you dont have to accept it though but it's not something that can realy be helped on his part while hes in the attack, he will have to monitor his blood sugar more efficiently to keep from going into this state

[piscean10]

My dh is also Type 1 and although he hasnt said anything remotely as awful as your dh, he has definitely acted out of character. I do believe that when it happens they completely blank out what is happening.
Does your dh make you feel/ say such stuff otherwise?

[madcatladyforever]

This is normal for a severe hypo I'm afraid. I've had chairs thrown at me and my hair pulled in the NHS when somebody has gone into one.
It is distressing but if he behaves normally the rest of the time it would be mad to get upset by this and take it personally.
The animal part of our brain does funny things when we're trying to survive.

[juliawilks72]

My daughter is type 1 diabetic - age 14 - now - diagnosis age 9 - type 1 has taken over my life - l left my job - Amys only had one bad hypo where she became combative & tried to fight me - the brain shuts down / l would disregard the comments xx

[DuineArBith]

It wasn't directed at you. Whoever was the nearest person would have received the same abuse.

[toastfiend]

I'm sorry you're upset, that must have been horrible. But yes, echoing others, you should absolutely let it slide. People behave totally out of character during hypos. My Dad had one a few years ago and he flitted between being totally dazed (lifting sugary drinks to his mouth and putting them down before he'd taken a sip) to very aggressively trying to prevent anyone from helping him. It was so far from what my Dad is usually like, and he didn't remember a thing afterwards (but was horrified that he'd been like that). A diabetic having a hypo genuinely can't help it and, as others have said, it's not a reflection of their real thoughts or feelings at all.

[PermanentTemporary]

I don't think he can be blamed exactly for it. Someone in a hypo is not in their right mind.

But that doesn't mean you don't need support dealing with this stuff. What do you have available to you? Counselling?

When my husband was very ill (psychosis rather than hypos) he said some things that hurt me, I have never forgotten them. Stuff like he didn't think our son was his because I'd have sex with anyone, I'd abandoned him, my vagina wasn't tight enough for him to feel anything during sex. I don't think he really remembered saying them when he was better. I don't think mental ill health is an excuse to abuse, but I also do feel that to punish someone for what they say when they would never be held responsible for a crime in that state is not reasonable. But I wish I'd got support earlier with those things, I'm still unpicking them in therapy now and dh has been dead for over two years.

[Eloisedublin123]

My lovely type 1 husband says some hurtful things during bad hypos. I move on. It’s harder for him.

[namechange30000]

I had GDM and used to take hypos when I was pregnant. I cannot remember a word I said during it, just how I felt. I felt so ill, hot, flushed, sick and angry. I had a really short temper with a hypo, it's absolutely horrible. My husband said it was like someone had flicked a switch.

[user1471530109]

If it is the latter, get out

[user1471530109]

Hi OP.

I'm type 1. Have been for almost 30 years (shit!)! When I'm hypo I have this weird thing where I can't speak. Like I really can't get my words out. I remember being sat in the same room as my boss (head teacher) speaking to a student after school and I literally couldn't speak. I had to get up and walk out. I was convinced I would lose my job (paranoia I suppose from hypo-i remember it vividly). It was incredibly scary. Like I could be drowning and have no way of crying for help.

What I'm trying to say is, I had no control at all. I don't get the shouty sweary thing. But I have worked with colleagues that do seem to lose their temper when hypo!

My xH (had an affair) blames my diabetes for our break up. I don't believe for a second that that is true (bastard) and that he used it as an excuse for his infedelity. The hurt it caused to be told something i had no control over was to blame for that nearly tipped me over the edge. I have and had very well controlled diabetes, so I can look back now and know it was all bullshit. He said he didn't want to be my carer (if you knew me you would be 😲 as I not only run my own life and kids' lives, but also run a team of 10 with 1000 students). It was the first time in my life (bar pregnancy) where I was told my condition was an issue. It completely floored me. It threw me into a deep depression. Almost more than being left holding the baby (literally). I have never told anyone that hurtful line he throw at me. I've never asked him about it.

He used to call me an ugly fat cunt too. He didn't have type 1 as an excuse.

I'm waffling. I suppose what I'm saying is if he is not this person normally, please don't throw this in his face. I understand your feelings (having been spoken to like that regularly) but I think only you know if it's his hypo, or whether he's a bit of a twat