Found hidden alcohol

[Whyohwhy1987]

So I guess I am coming here to rant a bit and see whether I find anyone who has experienced anything similar to me....
I live with my OH who has full custody of his 4 young children (their Mother passed away.) When we first met around a year ago he told me stories about how his late wife used to say he was controlling, and an alcoholic. He made a big point about telling me he was not an alcoholic, but he did like to have a drink now and then. 1 or 2 beers he said.

Fast forward to now....we moved in together earlier this year. I quickly noticed how much he liked to drink however I have never seen him drink before around 4pm, so I did not consider that he was an alcoholic because I assumed alcoholics needed to drink as soon as they woke up. Maybe that is me showing me ignorance towards addiction.

More recently, the drinking has escalated. I would say he went from drinking 2 or 3 (strong) beers per day, to 4 or 5. He then started drinking vodka quite frequently on top of the beers, or whisky. He has been through a lot lately but I am trying not to make excuses for him. I think because I have become more aware of his drinking, I started paying more attention to things that were happening and noticed the following:

• One day he walked to the local shop (which is 5 minutes walk away) to get some milk and I watched him from the window down a can of beer and throw it in a neighbours outside bin before coming back into our house
• I was clearing out one of his kids school clothes and found an almost empty 1l bottle of vodka hidden under the clothes
• I have also found empty small whisky bottles hidden on top of the kitchen cupboards

I confronted him on all of this, and he has admitted he has done wrong but cannot explain why he has hidden it from me. He promises he will change and only drink on Fridays and Saturdays but I don't think I can believe him. Yesterday his Mum arrived to stay with us for a few weeks and he told me she brought with her a bottle of rum (I suspect he bought it but can`t prove it!) His Mum and I had one drink each yet the whole 1l bottle was gone by the end of the evening despite the fact I only noticed him make himself 2 drinks.

The long and short of it is I suspect he has a big problem and I honestly don't know if I want to be a part of it. I don't particularly like him when he has been drinking (I have told him this!) He is embarrassing, more likely to be short fused and unpleasant towards his children, slurs his words, pays me endless complements (I am not complaining however when they are alcohol fuelled I find it hard to take him seriously.)

Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice they can share?

[Starlight2004]

As someone who has experience with alcoholics I will say this, Walk away now before your feelings for him and the children get any deeper and it becomes harder. You can't save him and he is very unlikely to change for you. The episodes of drinking will get worse, the lies will become more frequent and you will have to watch his life fall apart. Don't put yourself through that. Please do what you can to make sure the children are safe. But walk away from this relationship.

[Confused15551987]

I had never heard of the term 'functioning alcoholic' but now I've read the definition it makes perfect sense. The fact he says having a drink makes him able to relax and enjoy his evenings should have been a sign for me clearly.

I'm now wondering where else there is alcohol hidden! The more I get to know him the more I can spot the signs that he has had a drink, even when I didnt know there was any alcohol in the house.

I think I know what I need to do!

[Aquamarine1029]

Run for your life before he destroys it.

[TicTac80]

Pointythings, I remember you posting about it all. I even remember telling the then “D”H about it, during some of the many times I was pleading with him to engage with the help. Around summer 2018, right? I could remember dates by whatever crisis the ex had got himself into. We split in Jan 2019... after he managed to completely ruin Xmas. I’m still finding old empty bottles of alcohol dotted here and there. Even now. And each time I find one, it makes me feel sick.

OP, sorry for derailing your thread. Please, just run x

[pointythings]

TicTac80 summer 2018 was when he died. I started a thread and linked to the previous thread. My late H ruined Xmas 2017 and your ex ruined Xmas 2018. And yes, we found empties for months after he went.

I hope OP does the sensible thing.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It is NOT selfish to put yourself first.
Women absolutely have to stop thinking like this!
It is necessary. Especially in this kind of scenario.
Do you know his mum's number?
Can you contact her?
I would try to contact her. Let her know the situation and that you are out now and leave his family to deal with him.
I agree, this will be the tip of the iceberg.
Save yourself OP.
You cannot save him.
I wish you every happiness!

[Confused15551987]

Thank you all so much for your supportive and helpful comments. I have known for a long time there was a big problem but I guess I didnt know how to deal with it. Now I feel much more confident that I have been right all along and I need to get out!

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

You need to report him to SS and get out of there. Call his mum to explain the issue, or his MIL if you have her details, someone needs to look out for those poor kids (I totally understand if you're not able for that person to be you).

[anotherdisaster]

Hi OP, sorry to hear this. He is an alcoholic, no 2 ways about it. I dated one 2 years ago and as soon as I found an empty wine bottle hidden, I knew! I finished it. He denied it of course but couldn't explain why he had to hide a bottle.
I then somehow managed to get involved with someone else with a drink problem!!! I noticed he liked a drink but then noticed it more and more. He appeared to drink strong lagers every night. We didn't live together thankfully so I probably didn't see the half of it.
Please get out of this relationship as soon as you can. He will only hide things more from you and drag you down with him.

[FeistyPigeon]

he won't change

but also I'd be really careful at diving in and moving in so soon with someone you only met a year ago when they have 4dcs at home too - takes a long time to see someone else's true self! I hope it is not too difficult to disentangle your lives and move out.

[Whyohwhy1987]

@Stuckforthefourthtime his Mother is still here at the moment but doesnt speak a word of English and I dont have access to any contact details for his MIL. I think my only option is Children`s Services. Whilst I of course want to ensure the children are safe, if I am honest I do not want to be responsible for looking out for them if I am no longer with their Father.

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

@Whyohwhy1987 if you post something here I'm sure someone could translate, or children's services may have a translator. Do you know any of their old family friends or your children's uncles and aunts who might have his MILs details?

Totally agree that this is a sad mess but doesn't need to be yours. I also think for them and for your own peace of mind you need to have done everything possible to get help for the kids.

[welshladywhois40]

My ex was an alcoholic and he used to hide the alcoholic. He wasn't working and would drink all day. I would come home and asked have you drank? The answer was no.

I would then wander round the rooms and find glasses and bottles hidden in cupboards stinking of vodka.

Then he said he stopped, I couldn't find anything in the cupboards anymore. He was hiding it in the car now instead. Vodka decanted into water bottles to hide it.

If he's hiding it - he has a problem. First step is the gp. There is more support that you realise on the community and there are outreach places whether they can support him to withdraw but he has to want to do this.

Lastly if you want to shock him. I left my husband when he was at the stage of constantly lying about his drinking. He never saw alcohol as the problem and blamed his mental health. 3 years post separation he fell into a coma from drinking but apparently it wasn't the drinking. 4 years later he was dead.

[Whyohwhy1987]

I have just remember another thing which should have been a red flag to me very early on. Whenever he buys alcohol he will check the alcohol %....basically the stronger the better. When we have been in Tesco looking at beers he will spend ages picking the strongest one. He mentioned this again the other day when talking about rum. He told me he didnt like Captain Morgans spiced rum because it was only 35% whereas the other ones are stronger. I said I couldn`t understand that because surely you choose what to drink based on what you enjoy most, tastes nicest etc. CLEARLY NOT IF YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC!!

[hellsbellsmelons]

his Mother is still here at the moment
Perfect.
If you have somewhere to go, pack up and leave today!!!
Make yourself a priority.
Make it happen.
And do it fast.
Rip off the plaster and live a happy life!

[MissSmiley]

Do you know how his late wife died?
I'd be really interested to find out if that's true

[Seriouslynotagain]

OP - firstly, it takes a lot of guts to seek out advice and actually write this stuff down...well done for taking these steps. I have spent years not doing that and just papering over the cracks as best I can. I have over the last two days starting reaching out for advice/help and I am finding it devastating but also I am, once again, astounded by just how magnificent and incredible women can be [and of course some men] when their backs are against the wall.

Sunday just gone, I asked my partner of 15 years [and father to our two children] to leave. I found more hidden bottles. This follows on from weeks of him hiding his drinking and asking for my help with his alcoholism etc etc He is high functioning alcoholic - holds down a job - exercises loads, can be great etc etc. Often when he returns from work, he will disappear to garden office and return clearly drunk within minutes - it is like a really shit magic trick. When I ask him if he has had a drink [trying the old tactic of saying I don't mind but just want to know etc etc] he always say no. So the lying and the hiding and the behaviour when drunk over the years have worn me down to a shadow of my former self. When drunk, he just calls me a nag and is generally bloody awful in the way he talks to me. He can go for weeks, even months without a drop and then it starts again - binging, lying, hiding etc

Im exhausted.

I hope you can make the changes soon x

[Seriouslynotagain]

@pointythings

TicTac80 I stuck it out for almost 7 years. Hiding alcohol, oh yeah - I caught him at that 2 years before I finally issued the ultimatum that kicked it all off. He didn't want to stop either. It's almost 2 years ago now that he was found dead in his little flat.

this is so sad. My partner refuses to believe he has a real addiction [he plays the 'I need help' card sometimes with really bad hangovers. His own father drank himself to death and was also found dead in his flat with no food in cupboards or fridge but lots of hidden empty bottles. he lived alone so I wondered why he hid them [from himself?]. I would have hoped that my partner would make the link but apparently not.....as you say, they have to really want to stop

[pointythings]

Seriously well done ending it. It's a dreadful waste of a human life when addiction takes over everything. My youngest was 8 when it all started, she doesn't have any of the good memories.

[sitckmansladylove]

I would leave today too. This is awful.

[UpsideDownCake30]

@Seriouslynotagain this is very similar to my situation, I’m totally worn down by it

[Seriouslynotagain]

Hi @UpsideDownCake30 does he realise he has an issue? Mine thinks I am the one with the issue. I have doubted myself for so long. I am feeling very strong today. I hope this lasts. I don’t really have a close support network (certainly not in person) so I am hoping to find some support online. This week I have the adrenaline having asked him to leave but I expect to have some lonely and difficult weeks ahead

[pointythings]

Seriously you can pm me if you want to talk. As can OP if she wants. If me talking to people helps others escape relationships with addicts, I'm there for it.

[Whyohwhy1987]

@Seriouslynotagain thank you for posting here, and you are 100% right that women (and some men) can be incredibly empowering and supportive despite the fact we have only met 'virtually'. I think you should be so proud of yourself for starting to journey and taking back control. I too feel so strong today having read all these messages but I have no doubt that I will have doubts. I wish I didnt love him to be honest, and I wish I didnt feel sorry for him but I do. That doesn't mean I wont leave him, but it makes it a whole lot harder to stomach.
I have spent today trying to think back to what has happened over the last 12 months and I keep replaying more and more red flags that should've brought me to the point I'm at today much sooner. But I cant beat myself up. I'm just grateful to have found I am most certainly not alone and some of you have gone through so much more than me, my heart goes out to you all x @pointythings thank you for your kind offer, I may well take you up on that x

[pointythings]

Whyohwhy I think you should commend yourself for having picked up on the problem so quickly and having acted with so much insight. It's incredibly hard, but you should absolutely not beat yourself up. There are so many women like me (and men, too!) who have been through it, and some of us come back on here with a desire to support others who are where we used to be. Good luck