Found hidden alcohol

[Whyohwhy1987]

So I guess I am coming here to rant a bit and see whether I find anyone who has experienced anything similar to me....
I live with my OH who has full custody of his 4 young children (their Mother passed away.) When we first met around a year ago he told me stories about how his late wife used to say he was controlling, and an alcoholic. He made a big point about telling me he was not an alcoholic, but he did like to have a drink now and then. 1 or 2 beers he said.

Fast forward to now....we moved in together earlier this year. I quickly noticed how much he liked to drink however I have never seen him drink before around 4pm, so I did not consider that he was an alcoholic because I assumed alcoholics needed to drink as soon as they woke up. Maybe that is me showing me ignorance towards addiction.

More recently, the drinking has escalated. I would say he went from drinking 2 or 3 (strong) beers per day, to 4 or 5. He then started drinking vodka quite frequently on top of the beers, or whisky. He has been through a lot lately but I am trying not to make excuses for him. I think because I have become more aware of his drinking, I started paying more attention to things that were happening and noticed the following:

• One day he walked to the local shop (which is 5 minutes walk away) to get some milk and I watched him from the window down a can of beer and throw it in a neighbours outside bin before coming back into our house
• I was clearing out one of his kids school clothes and found an almost empty 1l bottle of vodka hidden under the clothes
• I have also found empty small whisky bottles hidden on top of the kitchen cupboards

I confronted him on all of this, and he has admitted he has done wrong but cannot explain why he has hidden it from me. He promises he will change and only drink on Fridays and Saturdays but I don't think I can believe him. Yesterday his Mum arrived to stay with us for a few weeks and he told me she brought with her a bottle of rum (I suspect he bought it but can`t prove it!) His Mum and I had one drink each yet the whole 1l bottle was gone by the end of the evening despite the fact I only noticed him make himself 2 drinks.

The long and short of it is I suspect he has a big problem and I honestly don't know if I want to be a part of it. I don't particularly like him when he has been drinking (I have told him this!) He is embarrassing, more likely to be short fused and unpleasant towards his children, slurs his words, pays me endless complements (I am not complaining however when they are alcohol fuelled I find it hard to take him seriously.)

Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice they can share?

[Seriouslynotagain]

@Whyohwhy1987 are you ok?

[AFitOfTheVapours]

Oh god, the bare faced lying! I’ve been there OP and it’s crazy making. On the one hand you can’t believe the brass balls of them and on the other, you start to question your own sanity. Whatever you do, try not to do the sanity questioning. He has a great big problem and is totally following the denial text book.

I’m glad you’re putting a plan together. Be ready to resist the promises of change that will follow. I wish I had done that sooner but I ended my marriage last year. You’ll be so much happier away from the lies and deceit.

Have you got a plan of kickstarting some help for his children? School/social services?
Good luck!

[Seriouslynotagain]

@Whyohwhy1987 do you have a plan/people to support you?

[Seriouslynotagain]

@Whyohwhy1987 oh it is awful when they look you in the eyes and just lie. It undermines everything. I have been dealing with that for so long.....I actually started to doubt myself. Is it me with the problem....am I being too uptight etc etc. My partner is currently viewing flats. I have not slept all week with the adrenaline. One of the things keeping me going is seeing all the threads on here where women have blossomed when they got away from these types of relationships. I know it must be awful for you this weekend - hang on in there. Our local co op is two mins away and mine has a habit of drinking those mini champagne bottles on way back to house (I have found them shoved in bin or behind bookcase). I would be mortified if my neighbours drove by an saw me by myself drinking from a bottle whilst walking back from shop (albeit a small one).

[namechange12a]

Why are you in the bathroom planning an escape? Isn't he letting you leave the property? Call the police OP.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I am currently sat in the bathroom planning my escape!!! FFS!"
ASAP Whyohwhy1987. The sooner the better.

[pointythings]

All these things are awful, and they are all things you should use to strengthen your resolve to leave this relationship and do what you can to ensure the DC get support. The lying is so very typical of the alcoholic, I'm afraid. They don't think you were born yesterday because they don't think at all - they act to feed the craving and that is all they are capable of. My late H did the exact same thing about 3 weeks after coming out of rehab - DDs and I had been away overnight (on something he had no interest in sharing), came back and it was obvious he had been drinking. I asked, he denied. Only he had been really stupid and put the empty in his backpack, which I knew was one of his hiding places. I checked, found it, started the divorce the next day. Alcoholics don't think things through - they aren't capable of it any more.

[Whyohwhy1987]

So today's development....OH goes to shop on his own. Comes back and I ask him what he's bought, he shows me the items and scrunches up the receipt into a tiny ball and drops it into the bin. OH leaves the room so I obviously take out the receipt. He has failed to mention the 2 strong beers he also bought which are no where to be seen....so I confront him on this to which he responds he did not buy the beers....the man must thing I was born yesterday! The only answer is he drank he beers in MY car on his way back from the shop. He says he will take me back to the shop and get the shop assistant to prove he didnt buy them...!!! I am currently sat in the bathroom planning my escape!!! FFS!

[Whyohwhy1987]

@Seriouslynotagain writing a list of all the red flags is such a good idea, I think Ill do the same thing today before I forget them when he starts telling me he will change/apologising etc! Its sad but I actually hope he gets to the angry stage (not too angry!!) because it will be so much easier for me to leave but I suspect there will be tears. He is very emotionally volatile in terms of crying and feeling sorry for himself one minute, and then making out like he is the toughest man on the planet the next! Please keep me updated with how things go for you, I hope he manages to sort out a flat this weekend.

Thanks again to everyone for sharing your stories. It`s incredibly sad to read that so many of us have found or find ourselves in very similar painful situations. But it is also incredibly reassuring to know we are not alone in this! x

[AFitOfTheVapours]

OP, I’m so sorry to hear you’re in this position. Like so many others who have posted, I’ve been in the position of piecing together the clues that sign to alcoholism. It can be so emotionally draining when the alcoholic is swearing black is white that there’s no problem, you’re over-reacting, imagining it... whatever you do, trust your instincts.

Of course he is an alcoholic (nobody hides their drinking unless it’s a problem) and by the sounds of it, he’s a long way down. Don’t be fooled by the “functioning” part of his alcoholism. Despite the stereotypes of the park bench drunk, most alcoholics manage to function to some extent. Except that alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse and the functioning part will reduce over time.

It is a thoroughly miserable disease that drags everyone around the alcoholic down with them. For you, you can get out. Honestly, I would run for the hills. Your love will be wasted on him.

This will probably still have affected you, though, so maybe think about contacting Alanon for some support.

As for the children, oh dear, what an appalling situation. Please do not make excuses for him loving them etc. Alcoholics make terrible parents. For the children, they spend their lives in constant uncertainty as to whether he’s drunk or not or to what extent. He will likely be drinking so much that he is never under the drink drive limit and therefore not safe to look after them. To the children, there will be no proper cause and effect to his moods and they will grow to blame themselves. The ramifications are just awful.

Please don’t for one single second feel guilty for reporting him to social services. These children need help. Perhaps (though far from certain) it might wake him up to the need to get help. Definitely report to social services. Also, report to the children’s school and GP and, finally, try to get them in contact with Nacoa (a charity that helps children of alcoholics). Don’t for one second feel guilty or disloyal for doing this. Quite the opposite.

Really good luck to you OP. Things will get better for you.

[TobyHouseMan]

I wouldn't live with an alcoholic after seeing the abject misery they cause.

My advice is to move out. If you want to save your relationship then it won't be an easy road. Unless he admits he's an alcoholic then you're doomed.

So sorry, but save your self the misery and potentially very serious ramifications.

[Seriouslynotagain]

@ItsmineAllmine I am so sorry you have had this experience with your father. I have an 11 yo son and 3 yo daughter and my son is quite sensitive. I have worked so hard to create this lovely home with our two children and I am guessing if he will not address his issues for his children, then that is it really. My son has witnessed so many incidents where his father has been paralytic and slurring. a couple of weeks ago he got really drunk and my poor son was trying to rally round him the next day and said he felt sorry for him. My partner said to me on that day that he knew he was an alcoholic and said he needed help. I asked him did he want his son feeling sorry for him and he looked pretty mortified. This period of sobriety lasted less than two weeks. You are right - it is a horrible thing.

[Seriouslynotagain]

@pointythings thank you - it is a lonely business for sure. He is looking at flats this weekend so I am hoping to see evidence he has paid a deposit so it is more real and I can start planning ahead...I feel in the thick of it right now so unable to gain perspective but thank you so much for your offer

@Whyohwhy1987 I really relate to you so much in terms of feeling sorry for them...right now I do not as he is still in the angry phase [in his head it is currently my fault] but I am waiting for the sorry phase which is the killer. I really hope that bit does not come and the anger bit keeps going. I am usually desperate for the sorry phase as I know he will be ok for at least a few days but not now. I feel I might write down some of the red flag stuff today as I need to keep going back to that when I feel shaky. I can tell you that even when my partner stops - it ALWAYS comes back - it might be weeks or months but it alway returns. I hope you are feeling ok today

[ItsmineAllmine]

My dad is an alcoholic, and the way you describe your partner describes my dad! He is a 'functioning' alcoholic, always able to hold down jobs, never drank in the day time etc. But hid alcohol bottles around the house, slurs his words and just behaves awfully to everyone when he's had a drink.

My dad is now in his 70s and he and my mum have been married for 50 years and he has NEVER CHANGED. He wouldn't change for my mum, and wouldn't change for my siblings or me. My mum literally knows no different life after all these years and it breaks my heart to think of what she has put up with. Ultimatums, broken promises, etc.

Alcoholism is a horrible, horrible thing and if I were you I would leave this man as soon as you are able to. He will never change. His relationship with alcohol will dominate every aspect of your life if you stay with him.

Best of luck to you xx

[DisobedientHamster]

I'd report him after I left. He has a short fuse.

[DisobedientHamster]

The only thing to do with such an addict is to leave. You CANNOT reason with them, talk to them, negotiate with them, make bargains with them, issue ultimatums to them. EVER. They will ALWAYS break them as the addiction will ALWAYS be no. 1 in their lives.

This is an addict who wants to carry on using.

His mother is there, now is the time to flee.

[GhostOfMe]

Leave, you can't save him and you deserve better, so much better. But before you go report him to social services and make sure you tell them everything like finding alcohol under the kids clothes, him snapping at the kids and having a short fuse, the fact he can drink nearly 1L of rum and still be upright etc. The last points to the fact that he is drinking copious amounts on a daily basis, you can't tolerate that much alcohol at once unless he's regularly drinking amounts that would render most people slurring drunk if not passed out.

[MissConductUS]

Tell him you can't be with him if he's drinking. If he truly wants to stop he will probably need some sort of support to do so.

If he's not willing to get sober get out.

[pointythings]

Whyohwhy I think you should commend yourself for having picked up on the problem so quickly and having acted with so much insight. It's incredibly hard, but you should absolutely not beat yourself up. There are so many women like me (and men, too!) who have been through it, and some of us come back on here with a desire to support others who are where we used to be. Good luck

[Whyohwhy1987]

@Seriouslynotagain thank you for posting here, and you are 100% right that women (and some men) can be incredibly empowering and supportive despite the fact we have only met 'virtually'. I think you should be so proud of yourself for starting to journey and taking back control. I too feel so strong today having read all these messages but I have no doubt that I will have doubts. I wish I didnt love him to be honest, and I wish I didnt feel sorry for him but I do. That doesn't mean I wont leave him, but it makes it a whole lot harder to stomach.
I have spent today trying to think back to what has happened over the last 12 months and I keep replaying more and more red flags that should've brought me to the point I'm at today much sooner. But I cant beat myself up. I'm just grateful to have found I am most certainly not alone and some of you have gone through so much more than me, my heart goes out to you all x @pointythings thank you for your kind offer, I may well take you up on that x

[pointythings]

Seriously you can pm me if you want to talk. As can OP if she wants. If me talking to people helps others escape relationships with addicts, I'm there for it.

[Seriouslynotagain]

Hi @UpsideDownCake30 does he realise he has an issue? Mine thinks I am the one with the issue. I have doubted myself for so long. I am feeling very strong today. I hope this lasts. I don’t really have a close support network (certainly not in person) so I am hoping to find some support online. This week I have the adrenaline having asked him to leave but I expect to have some lonely and difficult weeks ahead

[UpsideDownCake30]

@Seriouslynotagain this is very similar to my situation, I’m totally worn down by it

[sitckmansladylove]

I would leave today too. This is awful.

[pointythings]

Seriously well done ending it. It's a dreadful waste of a human life when addiction takes over everything. My youngest was 8 when it all started, she doesn't have any of the good memories.