How do I manage this stage of the crap journey?

[whatnowitsoverseekingadvice]

Have name changed in case she is on here but long time MNetter (pom bears, naice ham, penis beaker etc). There are many wise MNetters that have given sage counsel in such situations before and I’d be grateful to hear all sorts of views so that I can get some sense of direction now.
It’s the old story of a cheating husband but the twist is that our teens found the messages, did their own investigations and told me (with the screenshots) over the weekend. They are upset and angry, more on my behalf than their own. My heart is breaking for them, I would never have wanted them to know that about their Dad, but there isn’t much I can do about that now. They had him on a pedestal and it’s hit them hard that he has feet of clay.
For my part, I wasn’t surprised. I had suspected as much, things hadn’t been good between us for a long time. It has been difficult living under the same roof for the last while but for the sake of stability and financial security for the kids I got on with things. He has been emotionally and financially abusive to some extent but not so much that I couldn’t live with it.
When I found out I asked him to stay away for the night (with the agreement of the kids) and then met him away from the house and the kids the following day to discuss what would happen next. He professed that the kids were the number 1 priority, that we should try to maintain things as normal for them as possible, that we needed time to figure out what our next steps were. He agreed that he needed to apologise to the kids but needed prompting from me to realise that he needed to apologise to me too! He didn’t want me to tell them that our marriage was over, thought it would be too much for them right then but I insisted we had to. He had some idea that we could all live together under one roof (him in the spare room) for ten years until the kids finished uni! I was suitably scornful of that but agreed to give some time to consider our living arrangement options.
We came home, he apologised to the kids, told them he had done a stupid thing and reassured them that nothing was their fault (!). I told them that our marriage was over and that we were going to figure out how that would all work. They went off to their rooms and he turned on the tv, asking what was for dinner. Over dinner he chatted and joked with the kids as if he’d just been away on a work trip. I told him that night that him staying in the house wasn’t going to work if he was going to act as though he had done nothing to be ashamed of but he was exactly the same all the following day.
The kids can’t believe I let him stay in the house but deep down I know that they just want him to be punished somehow and then for everything to go back to normal somehow. They aren’t really up for the upheaval of selling the house, two different homes, reduced standard of living, etc. It’s five years before they are all finished secondary school. They want their relationship with him to go back to normal but are deeply uncomfortable for my sake with him acting as if all is well.
Any thoughts on how we manage this situation of living under one roof for a few months while we work out more sustainable long term living arrangements? I can’t really handle the atmosphere and the kids witnessing that there are no repercussions for him for having had a year-long affair – I need to change something but don’t know what….
Also I can’t decide whether I want people to know that he’s had an affair or not? I do feel like I want people to know that’s why our marriage ended but in the long-run will I just feel humiliated that people know that? Has anyone who has been through this any perspective on that?

[TheStuffedPenguin]

First of all - how on earth did your kids find out about this ? Are they in the habit of going into their parents' phones? How old are they ?

Secondly why on earth are your kids getting so involved in making what should be adult decisions between you and your H ?

They aren’t really up for the upheaval of selling the house, two different homes, reduced standard of living, etc. It’s five years before they are all finished secondary school. They want their relationship with him to go back to normal but are deeply uncomfortable for my sake with him acting as if all is well

The kids can’t believe I let him stay in the house but deep down I know that they just want him to be punished somehow and then for everything to go back to normal somehow

While I appreciate that their lives have been turned upside down they are having far too much of a say in this . This is adult business. Get him out of the house now if you want a divorce . You do seem very calm I have to say ......

[Toomboom]

There is nothing wrong with other people knowing your husband has had an affair. To be honest some of them probably already know.
I made sure everyone knew why we were no longer together when I split with my ex. Your husband is the one who should be ashamed, not you.

I have been there and got the tee shirt. I separated from my ex just before Christmas many years ago due to his long term affair. We decided to have Christmas together as a family one last time. We had already booked a meal out for the day, but I cancelled this due to us splitting up. He waltzes in as if nothing has happened and can't believe that I have cancelled the meal out! He chats away as though there is nothing wrong and everything is normal despite him knowing how devastated I was.

My children were mid teens when we split and coped really well with it. To be honest I think they were just relieved to have him out of our lives.

[hellsbellsmelons]

but in the long-run will I just feel humiliated that people know that?
This is the huge problem with this kind of thing.
Why on earth will YOU feel humiliated?
HE cheated. HE has destroyed your family. Your children. Your trust.
This is ALL on him. None of it is on you OP.
Please confide in people.
I kept my ExH secret for far too long. It almost destroyed me.
Telling people is an absolute must for your own MH.
You need some love and support.
The relief I felt when I told people as massive. A huge weight lifted that day and everyone was there for me.
He does not deserve your loyalty.
Reach out for RL support today!

Ask him to leave. You need some space right now.
It's still a shock for you. When that wears off it will hit you like a tonne of bricks so please be ready for that.

Get paperwork sorted out as quickly as possible.
Talk to a solicitor.

Your poor DC. Show them that you don't put up with this kind of shit.
Show them you are strong and that you have boundaries.
Be an example to them!

So so sorry this is happening to you.

[celticmissey]

Well, my OH did the same, I found some messages by accident and threw him out immediately. I was also honest about what had happened to our family and friends with no other agenda other than I wanted them to know the truth as I wasn't willing to lie about it.

Don't spare his feelings, he didn't spare yours and your childrens. I was damn angry. It sounds as though he is not even showing remorse. Kick his arse out. He can go to hers can't he? He can make arrangements to see the children at a different location. Has he even told you the truth about what happened? They rarely tell the full story? You may not want to know anyway.

He needs to reap what he has sown. Get some good legal advice and make sure you have support of family and friends. If you're anything like me I went through waves of real upset, anger, low moods, shock, panic, disbelief... but they do diminish over time. Don't let him bury his head in the sand.... he doesn't deserve it...he needs to face the music...

You need time to think ..... without him being there..... take all the time you need and don't bow to pressure from him.

Also, I was a teenager when my parents split up due to my dad having an affair and my dad moved out. It had an effect on my education and exams and my wellbeing . It was a very bitter divorce.

I worried about how we would pay the mortgage every day. What would have been better for me is that at least one of my parents sat me down and was honest and clear about the plans for the future from the outset. Instead they told me nothing about what could happen in the future - I worried like mad thinking we may have no home - this had a real effect on my mental health and my education.

If they had said to me we will get some legal advice, may need to sell the house but we will move to another house so don't worry about that and you will still see both of us, I would have felt much better about it all and reassured. From my own experience, if they had kept me in the loop and were honest I would have coped with the changed much better.

Have a look at the website chumplady.com. It may give you some comfort.

[PinkMonkeyBird]

I agree with all the other PPs. He needs to fucking leave!

When I found out my ex cheated on me, I told anyone and everyone about it. I was NOT going to spare his feelings! All this 'humiliation and what will the neighbours think'....screw that! My situation was a bit different as my ex had lied and gaslighted me over his affair for a year prior to me finding the concrete evidence.

Your children must be going through turmoil at the moment knowing their dad has cheated on you, has effectively got away with it and then cheerily carried on as if fuck all has happened. How dare he! How dare he ask what is for dinner!! You are enabling this, I realise you must be in shock or are you not? Did you have ANY idea at all he was cheating?

My DC were proud of the fact I called my ex out for the cheat he was and with the way I did not put up with it. Although he was their step-dad, he had been in their lives for a long time. There was no way things were going to be dealt with to protect my ex and make things comfortable for him after the way he had disrespected me and my DC. Either way, kids are resilient and if you split, they will adapt.

Glossing over it all whilst they know what has gone on, is not the way forward. I'd tell him to leave whilst you sort out the next steps of the marriage ending.

[Dontbeme]

I do wonder whether it would be ultimately damaging to the kids too if it was widely known

Do you honestly believe it will be less damaging for the kids to pretend everything is okay, and to lie to people about their home life. Do you really expect them not to confide in a GParent, aunt,uncle or friend? Are they expected to deal with what they now know about their dad by bottling it up and accepting his behaviour towards you and them. At some point they will figure out exactly what his infidelity means, that he spent time, emotional energy, family money and resources on another woman, that he spent time with her that could have been invested in life with them and you. And all you did about this was serve up dinner to him and chat, all swept under the rug.

It is very unfair that you now have to navigate how he has messed up your kids but you have to act to protect them, this will inform how they act and what they accept in relationships in the future. Stay calm, gather financial documents and get to a shot hot solicitor asap. Get him out of that house today.

[category12]

Do you honestly believe it will be less damaging for the kids to pretend everything is okay, and to lie to people about their home life.

This ^. Dontbeme makes a very good point about the damage of "family" his dirty little secrets.

[Cambionome]

Be absolutely honest and open about what has happened (no need to go into detail) and ask him calmly and firmly to leave. It seems difficult in the short term but will prove to be much easier in the long run than trying to bury everything and carry on.

[Zucker]

The children already know so you don't have to handle that hurdle!

Withdraw all "wife work" immediately. Jesus Christ find yourself in this. What do you want here? To live a pretend happy family for him and the outside world?

[whatnowitsoverseekingadvice]

Thanks to you all - I really did think that it would be better for the kids if he was around while we made longer term plans but coming to terms with the fact that it would be better all round for him not to be here. I have of course stopped all wife work (in fact I had some time ago) but even him being here, engaging me in conversations about the price of turnips is too much.

I have been very calm, he has done a number on me. I feel paralysed by the fact that there are lots of decisions to be taken and feel unable to make any.

Yes I do want him to be punished somehow (which is why I'm worried about my motivations in telling people) but I am sure as I can be that I don't want our marraige back, my goal is two separate homes but the timescale to achieve that is what is uncertain.

Without being able to go into too much detail, given who he and she are there is a possibility that their affair could become a topic of conversation among a wider group than ours or the kids circles. In that scenario, I wouldn't want the kids to have to face into school thinking that it may be being talked about or the subject of gossip. They don't deserve that. That is I suppose what I want to protect them from.

He, she and I all move in the same professional circles, and it being widely known would likely have more repercussions for me than him, in that it would be more important professionally for most people to have a relationship with him than with me.....

But I do need to tell my friends and family, move him out quickly and start making some decisions about summer plans first and then longer-term. I suppose there is no place to start except at the beginning. I do appreciate the responses, sometimes we just can't see the wood for the trees and need the kindness of internet strangers to tell us how it is.

[whatisheupto]

I think you need to take control OP. You need to make him leave straight away. Kick him out. Your daughters need to see you strong and decisive and independent. It's so important you show them how it's done. I know it is crazy hard and I know perhaps you don't want to actually do it. But you must. I think you have probably put up with a lot over the years and got used to bad behaviour, and taking the blame for stuff (even if you haven't noticed). But you have to draw the line now. He will push all the boundaries and see how much he can get away with. I suspect even asking for his dinner was him testing where the boundaries lie, rather than an absent minded enquiry.
I know it's hard to get angry... I find it very hard to speak up and defend myself too..... and especially if he has trained you not to over the years by belittling and minimizing when you DO stand up for yourself.
Don't look to him (or your daughters) for what happens next. You take charge. (Clue: he moves out now, you file for divorce now, the house sale and the rest happens over the next year).
I'm sorry for you. But I bet you anything your life will be so much better and your daughters will have a magnificent role model and a mum to be proud of.

[Nobodysdiary]

So is he still conducting his affair?

[hellsbellsmelons]

there are lots of decisions to be taken and feel unable to make any.
You don't have to make any decisions yet OP.
You just need to get him out so you have some headspace to actually think.
You don't have to do anything today.
Think about a list.
Tomorrow make a list.
The next day a break.
The next day knock something off of that list, etc.....
Take it slow.
Take it a your own pace.
What you have to do will be overwhelming.
Do you know how you eat an elephant!? One bite at a time!
Don't expect miracles.
You are going to be very up and down for a long time.
You will not see the light at the end of the tunnel for a while yet.
Just look after yourself and your DC for now.
Than tackle things one at a time.
Start small!!!

[BurtsBeesKnees]

So sorry you're going through this op

Tell your friends and family, you need their support and you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. He does!

Ask him to leave, at the moment he's fairly remorseful, give him a week or two, once he realises that he can't have his cake and eat it, he'll come gunning for you and you'll never get him out.

Start to get your ducks in a row re financials, remember, he's been aware of this a lot longer than you. Get copies of bank statements, pensions, hide the passports, marriage certificate etc

Your kids are having too much say in your decision making process, I understand they are upset, but this is up to you and sometimes you have to do something they'd rather you didn't for the greater good.

Do you want your dc to grow up knowing that you didn't stand up for yourself, let your cheating husband stay in the house and 'get away' with an affair. Because it will look like that to them. You need to lead by example.

And my last but of advice. He's not your friend any longer. Do not trust him an inch, do not believe a word he says

[Bundlemuffin]

Remember that he has had plenty of time to plan and prepare for this, and you haven't. It sounds as though he is doing his best to railroad you into going along with his script. He is absolutely taking advantage of you and I think he had this all worked out beforehand.

In terms of your kids and potential gossip: you are not responsible for this situation. He is. And your actions are not likely to affect the gossip - if anything, an open acknowledgement of the situation defuses gossip (people have much more fun chatting about rumours and doubtful secrets - after all, what fun is there in facts?!). I think this openness would really help your kids, and you, psychologically. He is the one who has done something shameful. Trying to hush it up or gloss over it is neither healthy nor practical.

[Flyingagainstreason]

You only need to tell your friends and family. You don’t need it to be known in the workplace/ industry.
If he ends up with her that will inevitably happen anyway, wether you want it to or not. So at least have some kind of control over it for now. X

[okiedokieme]

No real advice except keep talking and put the kids central to your decisions. No affair here but we stayed in the same house for 7 months, he's moved out but I decided to let him move back in and I'll leave on condition he pays 100% of bills plus the kids maintenance allowances, they are at university already so it's for less years than you have.

The positive is I met somebody else, don't write yourself off, you deserve happiness too.

My kids were super supportive and did mention I should have walked earlier!

[ravenmum]

I told people what my exh had done as soon as I was able to discuss the subject at all without my kness going weak. All I ever got was support. I have no idea if anyone gossiped about me behind my back; if they did, bully for them. The kids both had friends with similar stories from home, I doubt anyone was that interested in their parents' love lives. If anyone should feel embarrassed, it is him.

From experience, the sooner he's gone the better you will all feel. The kids can see each of you separately in a calm environment. You don't have to be nice to him - of course you are pissed off and angry. It is only logical. No-one will be at all surprised. Very convenient for him to persuade you that your anger has to be hidden, sure, but it does no-one else any favours. What would he rather the children learn? That women/spouses have to put up with any old shit? Why not teach them that when you cheat and are found out, you should accept the consequences? Just be pragmatic...

... and if that pragmatism doesn't work, he'll move out faster the more unwelcome you make him. Mine was very slow and in the end, I got fed up with not being able to sleep knowing he was downstairs chatting to his girlfriend - and started going down to discuss that fact when I couldn't sleep, at 2 am or whatever. That way we could both appreciate my sleeplessness fully. And instead of letting him hog the settee in the evenings while I hid away, I started going and sitting right next to him and telling him how angry I was. He found a place.

In the meantime you might consider making up a timetable that enables you both to use the house separately.

[ravenmum]

hey aren’t really up for the upheaval of selling the house, two different homes, reduced standard of living, etc. It’s five years before they are all finished secondary school.
I don't know if it's an option for you, but as my exh was hardly at home anyway, I stayed in the family home until the youngest finished school, and he rented a little flat - they would just visit him there. We sorted things out differently after that.

[mamaoffourdc]

He needs to leave today, so you can have some space and refocus. Can he go to a friends house, family? You then can meet to make decisions about housing etc - the children do not need to be around any more tension x

[Katrinawaves]

I’m 8 months post discovery and am starting to regret having told as many people as I did in the first few weeks. I find that going out with friends who don’t know the back story is a relief and lets me have some fun in life which isn’t tainted by the aftermath of the infidelity- my therapist described this as sterile space. If I had my time again I’d pick just one good friend to unburden to (or max 2) and leave the rest of my friendship group not knowing anything (or just knowing that we had decided to split).

So sorry you are going through this.

[ravenmum]

True, with some people I didn't know that well, I said that it was a mutual decision - but didn't say that it was only mutual in that once I found out about his affair, neither of us wanted to "try again".

[justasmalltownmum]

Show him the door. It's not your problem where he goes or how he sorts out his mess.

[whatnowitsoverseekingadvice]

Quick update - he agreed on Thursday that as an interim solution he would move out temporarily and have two nights a week back in the house to spend time with the kids (when I would stay elsewhere). He did not easily agree to this, he tried for a long time to persuade me that there were other solutions (unspecified) and that, in time, the awkwardness would subside. But he eventually conceded that this was the only way and agreed to move out by the weekend. I foresee that it won't be easy to actually get him out though.....after spending the day out at work and somewhere else (who knows?) till 11.30pm last night he swanned around the house this morning and has headed off to play golf saying breezily to the kids that he'd see them later.

I told the kids the proposed arrangement on Thursday night and they seemed relieved to be honest. I'm going to have to have a showdown with him tomorrow morning if he hasn't gone by then, won't I?

[category12]

So really, in case you're in doubt, he's still seeing the ow and happy as a pig in shit.