Introvert-extrovert relationship. How to handle the different social needs?

[Rezrex]

Me and my bf have had some problems regarding socializing. It’s a subject that has slowly emerged over the years. I don’t want to use the introvert/extrovert division since I don’t think it describes us accurately, but it seems like the internet likes to simplify it like that. My bf is quite asocial and introverted. I’m more extroverted (i'm a bit more of a mix).

I’ve had a bit of a naïve idea that once I have a boyfriend we would have similar ideas regarding socializing. I kind of imagined a relationship where we would have dinner with each other’s parents, meet up with best friend and their spouse, go to family milestones together, go to brother’s bbq etc. Not all the time, but every now and then. But that image did not become a reality and I fell for a guy that does not enjoy social situations or have any sense of duty regarding them (I have a strong need to show up for people I care about even if I’m not 100% feeling it, then have a recharge day the next day)

I absolutely don’t want to force him into anything he doesn’t want to. I don’t need to be attached to the hip. I’m capable of going on my own. It is just that I have a strong family culture of showing up to certain things and I want to share different aspects of my life with my partner. Also, it just sometimes sucks going to things alone especially when everyone else is with their partner and your partner is at home.

I’ve done a lot of reading about this subject. Seems to be quite a common problem and there is a lot of information about this. The info was very varied but in general it seemed that the extroverted one should understand the introverted one better and leave them be when they need to.

I’m willing to accept that we may have a compatibility issue but not before we have talked about it. I’m mentally preparing for the conversation but I don’t really know about my own boundaries or what is a fair expectation. I do understand that I need to be more understanding and accepting of him not socializing with me. However, I’m not sure I have to completely accept that it is only up to him. If you have been in this situation how have you compromised? Can I have some expectations on going to things together? How do I let go of the idea that we socialize together?

[Murmurur]

@Aussiebean 's solution back on page 1 is genius. Different levels of socialising through work are a great way to meet your different needs in the time you're apart anyway, so you are more similar in needs while you're together IYSWIM.

OP I am very interested by what you say about your husband being very good at social chit chat. There are definitely different axes of these things. You can BE (not just act) bubbly in a social situation but still find it fundamentally exhausting and have to psyche yourself up a bit beforehand. You can be extrovert but lack social skills and just not know what to say.

[Rezrex]

Thank you for all the responses.

Different levels of socialising through work are a great way to meet your different needs
Actually this sounds terrible to me :D It's not about being just social. It's about being with people I care about. I don't want to socialize with people I don't know and I those types of situations cause me social anxiety. I can handle them, but thankfully they are rare in my line of work.

You can BE (not just act) bubbly in a social situation but still find it fundamentally exhausting and have to psyche yourself up a bit beforehand. You can be extrovert but lack social skills and just not know what to say.
Oh absolutely. He reminds me that I have to Small talk with humans all the time. I was just commenting on the sitting in the corner silently part.

Would your partner ever go alone to something on his side that would be a partners-come-too type of event.
There are never anything like that on his side.I think if there were, he would more likely consider attending if I was going with him.

Have a think about how much is you wanting to go and how much is obligation.
I have tought about this a lot. I've reached the solution that it is both. I do enjoy seeing my extended family and these events are the only time I do that. Also it is obligation but one that I do gladly. I want to be part of special days of people I care about. Does this make sense? My grandmother has done a lot for me growing up and if she is hosting a 90th birthday party and invited her entire family, I will not even consider if I'm feeling it, I will be there. I might not feel visiting my mum this week, but I know she will enjoy having a chat and the Company so I will stop by for a few hours. I don't feel obligated to show up for everything.

is he selfish and always prioritising his preferences over your needs and wants? Similarly for you - are you making an effort to ensure his things have space on the calendar, even if they look like "doing nothing/wasting time" to you
He is not selfish. He has a strong need to be in his comfort zone and he doesn't understand the dynamics on when to show up since he is not used to it. Then in turn I don't want to use the "it's important to me" card unless it's really necessary. He does show up so it's not like he refuses everything, but in his mind the previous cathgories are all on the same level, where as I think they require different level of effort. I think thatThe "events" I'm talking about are not weekly. Some months there are few things and some others there are none. I think he has time to do his thing and he has free range to his calendar majority of the time (as an adult should have :D)

As for the last weekend. It was awesome. I suggested that we go for a day and then I could go back on my own again the next day. But he was upto spending 2 nights and we had a great time. So if he is in the mood, it's good fun.

[Rezrex]

Update: We had the talk. The set up was not exactly great. My mum called and invited us for lunch and made a strong suggestion of both of us coming since they haven't seen my bf in months. My bf got quite upset that he was bullied to do something (I took it more like: I guess it has been a while so need to make an appearance for an hour). This is when we started the talk. Unfortunately it triggered my anxiety and tears came out (my anxiety and stress reaction is to cry even when there is no reason to. so much fun)

The talk itself was fine but I do need to process it a bit. He strongly believes that it is 100% his decision if he comes to somewhere. However, he does not really see a reason why he would decline going to a wedding or a funeral but he wants it to be his decision. He doesn't believe in family obligations and refuses to do anything he doesn't want but he does things if he thinks they are important to me or the host. He feels like it is disrespecful to assume he will do something without being asked. He cannot commit to attending future gatherings cause he cannot know if family member is in hospital or he has a work trip so it needs to be taken case by case basis. He is very literal and I'm not sure he could imagine my general scenario.

I have a feeling that we are in agreement but use different terms. I agree that people can make their own decisions but I also think there is a way to do a general agreement.

We had a similar talk about 6 years ago when he announced he does never have to compromise again. When discussing he actually meant compromising people who never meet anyone halfway. So basically the statemenet and explanation didn't match. This feels similar.

I feel a bit better but maybe a bit more confused. I would have rather have him say "yes, of course I'll come to your grandmothers 100th birthday" but he said "well, if your grandmother hosts 100th birthday, I don't see why I wouldn't come. But we need to visit the invite when the time comes" Aparently introversion is not really the issue. It's more about him thinking that he is at an age where he doesn't really have to please people if they haven't deserved it. But aparently the wedding in August sounds super fun and he is looking forward to it.