Introvert-extrovert relationship. How to handle the different social needs?

[Rezrex]

Me and my bf have had some problems regarding socializing. It’s a subject that has slowly emerged over the years. I don’t want to use the introvert/extrovert division since I don’t think it describes us accurately, but it seems like the internet likes to simplify it like that. My bf is quite asocial and introverted. I’m more extroverted (i'm a bit more of a mix).

I’ve had a bit of a naïve idea that once I have a boyfriend we would have similar ideas regarding socializing. I kind of imagined a relationship where we would have dinner with each other’s parents, meet up with best friend and their spouse, go to family milestones together, go to brother’s bbq etc. Not all the time, but every now and then. But that image did not become a reality and I fell for a guy that does not enjoy social situations or have any sense of duty regarding them (I have a strong need to show up for people I care about even if I’m not 100% feeling it, then have a recharge day the next day)

I absolutely don’t want to force him into anything he doesn’t want to. I don’t need to be attached to the hip. I’m capable of going on my own. It is just that I have a strong family culture of showing up to certain things and I want to share different aspects of my life with my partner. Also, it just sometimes sucks going to things alone especially when everyone else is with their partner and your partner is at home.

I’ve done a lot of reading about this subject. Seems to be quite a common problem and there is a lot of information about this. The info was very varied but in general it seemed that the extroverted one should understand the introverted one better and leave them be when they need to.

I’m willing to accept that we may have a compatibility issue but not before we have talked about it. I’m mentally preparing for the conversation but I don’t really know about my own boundaries or what is a fair expectation. I do understand that I need to be more understanding and accepting of him not socializing with me. However, I’m not sure I have to completely accept that it is only up to him. If you have been in this situation how have you compromised? Can I have some expectations on going to things together? How do I let go of the idea that we socialize together?

[Rezrex]

Update: We had the talk. The set up was not exactly great. My mum called and invited us for lunch and made a strong suggestion of both of us coming since they haven't seen my bf in months. My bf got quite upset that he was bullied to do something (I took it more like: I guess it has been a while so need to make an appearance for an hour). This is when we started the talk. Unfortunately it triggered my anxiety and tears came out (my anxiety and stress reaction is to cry even when there is no reason to. so much fun)

The talk itself was fine but I do need to process it a bit. He strongly believes that it is 100% his decision if he comes to somewhere. However, he does not really see a reason why he would decline going to a wedding or a funeral but he wants it to be his decision. He doesn't believe in family obligations and refuses to do anything he doesn't want but he does things if he thinks they are important to me or the host. He feels like it is disrespecful to assume he will do something without being asked. He cannot commit to attending future gatherings cause he cannot know if family member is in hospital or he has a work trip so it needs to be taken case by case basis. He is very literal and I'm not sure he could imagine my general scenario.

I have a feeling that we are in agreement but use different terms. I agree that people can make their own decisions but I also think there is a way to do a general agreement.

We had a similar talk about 6 years ago when he announced he does never have to compromise again. When discussing he actually meant compromising people who never meet anyone halfway. So basically the statemenet and explanation didn't match. This feels similar.

I feel a bit better but maybe a bit more confused. I would have rather have him say "yes, of course I'll come to your grandmothers 100th birthday" but he said "well, if your grandmother hosts 100th birthday, I don't see why I wouldn't come. But we need to visit the invite when the time comes" Aparently introversion is not really the issue. It's more about him thinking that he is at an age where he doesn't really have to please people if they haven't deserved it. But aparently the wedding in August sounds super fun and he is looking forward to it.

[Rezrex]

Thank you for all the responses.

Different levels of socialising through work are a great way to meet your different needs
Actually this sounds terrible to me :D It's not about being just social. It's about being with people I care about. I don't want to socialize with people I don't know and I those types of situations cause me social anxiety. I can handle them, but thankfully they are rare in my line of work.

You can BE (not just act) bubbly in a social situation but still find it fundamentally exhausting and have to psyche yourself up a bit beforehand. You can be extrovert but lack social skills and just not know what to say.
Oh absolutely. He reminds me that I have to Small talk with humans all the time. I was just commenting on the sitting in the corner silently part.

Would your partner ever go alone to something on his side that would be a partners-come-too type of event.
There are never anything like that on his side.I think if there were, he would more likely consider attending if I was going with him.

Have a think about how much is you wanting to go and how much is obligation.
I have tought about this a lot. I've reached the solution that it is both. I do enjoy seeing my extended family and these events are the only time I do that. Also it is obligation but one that I do gladly. I want to be part of special days of people I care about. Does this make sense? My grandmother has done a lot for me growing up and if she is hosting a 90th birthday party and invited her entire family, I will not even consider if I'm feeling it, I will be there. I might not feel visiting my mum this week, but I know she will enjoy having a chat and the Company so I will stop by for a few hours. I don't feel obligated to show up for everything.

is he selfish and always prioritising his preferences over your needs and wants? Similarly for you - are you making an effort to ensure his things have space on the calendar, even if they look like "doing nothing/wasting time" to you
He is not selfish. He has a strong need to be in his comfort zone and he doesn't understand the dynamics on when to show up since he is not used to it. Then in turn I don't want to use the "it's important to me" card unless it's really necessary. He does show up so it's not like he refuses everything, but in his mind the previous cathgories are all on the same level, where as I think they require different level of effort. I think thatThe "events" I'm talking about are not weekly. Some months there are few things and some others there are none. I think he has time to do his thing and he has free range to his calendar majority of the time (as an adult should have :D)

As for the last weekend. It was awesome. I suggested that we go for a day and then I could go back on my own again the next day. But he was upto spending 2 nights and we had a great time. So if he is in the mood, it's good fun.

[Murmurur]

@Aussiebean 's solution back on page 1 is genius. Different levels of socialising through work are a great way to meet your different needs in the time you're apart anyway, so you are more similar in needs while you're together IYSWIM.

OP I am very interested by what you say about your husband being very good at social chit chat. There are definitely different axes of these things. You can BE (not just act) bubbly in a social situation but still find it fundamentally exhausting and have to psyche yourself up a bit beforehand. You can be extrovert but lack social skills and just not know what to say.

[Murmurur]

Coming back to this.

To answer your qu from the previous page, OP, for us it's developed over time. We are not the same people we were in our 20s. We are tireder, we have a child who is easily overwhelmed and my mental health has been poor lately. We have all needed more downtime.

I can relate to your categories, but to me the socialising thing doesn't stand alone. My husband has been amazing while I've been ill. He never told me I was lazy or complained that I hadn't done x, he just accepted me for what I was at that time and gave me space to get better without judgement. Living with a depressed person is hard hard hard, and he has been endlessly patient and loving. He 100% deserves that I treat him likewise in stuff that he finds more challenging. That's not to say that we work it out transactionally, just that it comes down to mutual respect.

It's not about whether he comes to 1 event a month or 12. It's is he making an effort to go to some of them with good grace, because it's important to you and he loves you, or is he selfish and always prioritising his preferences over your needs and wants? Similarly for you - are you making an effort to ensure his things have space on the calendar, even if they look like "doing nothing/wasting time" to you. (I think the thing you mentioned about ensuring there is a downtime day after a social event is a good idea, and we need downtime weekends too, but that will vary between couples and over time. We try and do "to each according to their needs, from each according to their ability" or whatever the quote is.)

One more thought in this giant post. You mention that you come from a family where turning up is important, and that it is important to you to go. Have a think about how much is you wanting to go and how much is obligation. If it's nearly all you actually enjoying these events that's great, but if "people pleasing" is a big part of your motivation then lockdown is the perfect time to redraw the boundaries a bit. Our son's autism has made us radically re-evaluate how we spend our weekends, and what once felt like obligations turned out not to be so obligatory after all. Like pigeon (I think) said upthread, real friends will understand. With your sibling meet up thing we might have me go and stay over with the kids, and my husband just go for the day and drive back.

[pigeon999]

pigeon As long as you are both crystal clear about the list, then it should work out fine, but be aware that life is not a straight line things will happen that will challenge the agreements and compromises you have both made. When there is a surplus of friends going out when you are young may not be there when you hit your later forties.

Independence to do your own thing will be key.

I now have an introvert dd that has taken my understanding to a whole new level. I see her lack of need of others as a positive, her ability to keep herself content and happy is marvellous. I almost envy her self reliance if I was not so happy for her. It has stood her in good stead, she has lovely friends but does not NEED them if you know what I mean by that, she can pick and choose and be selective because she is not desperate to go out all of the time (like I was) she is also very good at focusing on things that are important to her wellbeing and progress and studies alot. She seems to be free from FOMO!!

So I wonder if introverts are really the lucky ones here!!

[Rezrex]

@NoMoreDickheads I guess that's one way to read my post, but that is not what I meant. I was just refering to the question on how I can have any relationships if I don't know my dealbreakers. I just think it is an evolving thing. Not that there is everyday a new "dealbreaker" that I am considering.

Actually, he used to go along to everything and just not engage with others, and once he was sick for a family wedding so I went on my own and had a ball :D
This is brilliant that it has worked for you! I guess that it came from yourself it makes it easier. My bf is actually the best smalltalker I know and it is very interesting to watch.

If your extroverted and have struggled with lack of social interaction in lockdown, this is what life is usually like for introverts. Struggling in an extroverts world.
I'm not sure how people cope during a worldwide pandemic should be simplified as introvert/extrovert issue.

@pigeon999 I think the way you are doing it sounds perfect. Also your "friends" sound draining so I'm happy you manged to get rid of the filler friendships.

What prompted this now was an invite to hang out with my siblings and their partners (within out local guidelines) for our annual summer hangout. I asked my bf if he is up for it. He said yes, but I have a strong feeling he will have to finnish something work related that day. Which is not a problem, however he has skipped a lot of small things (all within our local guidelines) lately so it has built up in my head. Also we have a wedding and graduation invites waiting (assuming they can be organised) that I haven't rsvp'd yet.

Initially I was in the opinion that socail events are in 3 cathegories. "Essential" (weddings, funerals, big family birthdays, christening, graduation), "Should make an effort if nothing else" (friends birthdays, less formal events that occur rarely, siblings kids birthdays, if you've not seen my family in a while then make an appearane in our weird traditions) and then "come if you want" (random sunday lunch, my godchilds birthday, casual houseparty, hobby related thing etc.).
Now I'm rethinking my cathegories and which ones I'd be able to move lower on priority list if it comes to it durin negotiations. As some pp's are pointed out, is it possible to get rid of them and change own mindset? I hadn't really considered this option until I started reding. These are just thoughts running through my mind

[FieldOverFence]

Me & DH are like that, and I've come to the realisation that actually, I have a better time at weddings/christenings/birthdays etc if he's not there
I'm curious about the acceptance process. Were you sad about going alone at first? Was he willing to attend? How did you move on to embrace going on your own?

Actually, he used to go along to everything and just not engage with others, and once he was sick for a family wedding so I went on my own and had a ball :D
Afterwards I always told him that he didn't have to go if he didn't want to, but that if he did, I wouldn't be spending the entire evening talking to only him. Now he chooses to stay at home most of the time, and when he does come along he knows that he'll have to go talk to others for a good bit of the time

[Flyingagainstreason]

You haven’t actually said what he’s like. How often does he join you. How often do you go out. How often do you have friends over.
I was in a relationship like this. Honestly it was awful, I ended up at a friends wedding just balling my eyes out in the toilets becuase I was the only one who’s partner wouldn’t come.

[annabel85]

If your extroverted and have struggled with lack of social interaction in lockdown, this is what life is usually like for introverts. Struggling in an extroverts world.

[NoMoreDickheads]

Maybe I'm weird one but my dealbreakers have changed alongside the relationship.

As long as you're not continuously letting someone who's broken your dealbreakers get away with it by you changing what you expect.

There are constantly coming up things that I've never even thought about

So he keeps doing new things to annoy you you'd never thought of? That doesn't sound good.

[pigeon999]

I would also add we have definitely lost friendships with couples that simply wanted to go out/holiday together etc all of the time, and we couldn't do that.

It has been irritating over the years to see good friends drift off because we could not commit to dinner every other week, and shared holidays. I used to feel sad that our privacy was so closely guarded that we could not do these things, but then we did try it, and it was not the greatest holiday at all. Mainly because the family we went with argued for the whole time we were there very loudly, and we never do, so it was awkward even though they are very old friends. Anyway it did nothing for dh who felt that he was right all along about these things! They later divorced.

It took me a while but I realised that real friends would understand and respect the differences in our characters and personalities, and what we were able to do would be enough, so now we have lots of lovely friends that are very accepting of our three times a year limit of socialising, and that has been extremely good for us and them, no pressure from either side - and we have a great time when we see them.

The friends that drifted were not real friends and were maybe looking for a diary filler rather than a meaningful, long lasting friendship with us. You will need to be prepared for this element though, because I was very upset when it first happened to us!

[okiedokieme]

Relationships require compromise but you do need to have your needs met as well, only you can know how far apart you are in expectations. Dp is more introverted than me, he however knows going out is important to me so we go out once a week somewhere more social (pre lockdown) and other nights it's either at home or just the 2 of us

[pigeon999]

**prefer

[pigeon999]

I have been married for over 20 years to someone who really does not like socialising. He is wonderful company when he is out, but he would not be there. I wouldn't change him, because he is a really special person but sometimes I do wish it was easier socially for us.

It mattered more to me when we were younger, now we are older and tired and have children going out is less attractive anyway. I would say the problem lessens over time, and this will definitely be the case into older age. If he is a brilliant dp in all other ways unless you are a complete social butterfly then you can maybe work around it.

We did what all couples do, we agreed a compromise many years ago.
We always go to family events, weddings, birthdays and we have an agreement to join friends once a month for dinner/party. He dreads some of these things so much that he goes quiet for hours before, but he would never ruin it for me once we are there, or expect to leave early (even if I know he would love to)

I have an active social life with my friends independently, and I am happy to do things on my own if I have to. If you are the kind of person who needs someone with you this relationship will never work long term.

I respect his need for quiet time, in the same way he respect my need for friends. Now we have older kids we also have their friends and parents to consider and factor in. It has become more complicated over the years in some ways. It is very important that children are socialised properly, so you will need to be sure of this before you have dc. There is a lot of enforced socialising, with dc and he can not always duck out!

I do sometimes feel lonely, because he will rarely organise anything with anyone, and I wish we could do more, but I get tired of it all myself these days, and over the years his ways have rubbed off on me a little, and so I am quite happy to spend more time at home.

It would be a dealbreaker for me if he could not or would not attend weddings/birthdays/family events/friends dinner. I don't think I could live with that, but if you can find a way to compromise respectfully then you have a great future. Yin and Yang.

I wrote a far too long a post about this!!

[Rezrex]

It is a problem if you don't know your own dealbreakers
Maybe I'm weird one but my dealbreakers have changed alongside the relationship. There are constantly coming up things that I've never even thought about. Once things come up then i need to evaluate if they are dealbreakers. Maybe I'm a bit too analytical but I do need to think and process to know where I draw the deal breaker line.

@PinkMonkeyBird you say your bf preferred to stay home all the time. Do you mean that he didn't want to accompany you to social events or that in the end he didn't want to do anything just the two of you? We don't have the reciprocality problem. He would be totally fine with me skipping his things, but nothing ever happens on his side so if there is something, I'm very happy to go.

@Murmurur thanks, this was very interesting. Did this come organically for you or did it require some navigation? I feel one big issue for us is that he has no famiy history of socilizing so everything is from my side.

[Murmurur]

This is a really interesting one. OP you've made some really good points especially about it not being as simple as introvert/extrovert.

My son's autistic and although my husband isn't as far as we know, it's not completely irrelevant. In our family we totally respect that some things that seem tiny to most can be super-stressful to some, but also we are a family and we need to behave politely and cooperate as much as poss. A couple of things spring to mind that might help the discussion with your husband:

• yes, it shouldn't be as simple as one person calls all the shots. This comes down to mutual respect. I once heard a wedding preacher say that marriage isn't about give and take, it's about give and give. You both try to do things to please or help the other because you love them and respect them and want to make them happy. It's a cliche but I believe love isn't just something you feel, it's something you do. It is a reasonable request to make for most partners to accompany their spouse some of the time. And I don't mean once a year at Christmas. But the uncomfortable spouse should get a veto on anything they are desperately uncomfortable with. It's part of adulting, same as going to work meetings you'd rather avoid.
• your and his comfort levels are different for a given event. Most commonly seeing your family is easier for you and vice versa.
• We find inviting people to us works best. Whether it's DH or I who's the "more discomforted" one, it's easier in our own house as we have options to escape for a bit. I tend to do the inviting but we both make an effort to pitch in to clean up, shop etc with good grace, even if we would rather slump in front of the xbox.
• Similarly, DH tends to cook when we invite my family over, and I cook when his family come over. The more comfortable one does the bulk of the socialising, the other can hide a bit in the kitchen, and we can serve food DH and DS will eat.
• mostly we see family visits as a whole family thing. Occasionally, maybe one time in 5, I will stay home while DH takes the kids up to see his parents. It helps that we only see them once every 4-6 weeks. Similar with my family.
• Socialising with friends is a bit trickier, and getting increasingly more so. Again we tend to favour inviting one family over rather than bigger groups.

Sorry for the essay!

[PinkMonkeyBird]

In my experience, it didn't work. I'm a mix of both, happy in my own company, but also love the social aspect - a bit like yourself OP. In the beginning, my ex seemed to me on the same page and we would go out and do social stuff, but within a year or two that dwindled. He barely went anywhere with me and preferred to stay home all the time. He had a hobby he went to once a week with his friends, but that was it.

My new partner is very much like myself and is a good mix. Loves social stuff, but happy to also have a night staying in. We've only been together for 8 months and I think I've done more with him in that time than I did with my ex (nearly a decade together!). It is refreshing to be with someone who seems genuinely happy to get to know my friends and family. My ex just didn't seem to engage at all or seem interested, but when the boot was on the other foot he expected me to be invested in the time with his family etc. I'm definitely in a more 'equal' partnership now!

[heartsonacake]

Why is it so upsetting to you that people refuse to bend to your viewpoint. That others hear and comprehend what your saying and still disagree?

SonEtLumiere What I’m saying isn’t a viewpoint or an opinion; it’s my thoughts and feelings, and you can’t disagree with that however much you want to. I’m not talking for all introverts, I’m talking for me.

It might feel like a gross distortion, but is it really?

The gross distortion comment came from another poster when you also tried to tell them what they actually think and feel.

[SnuggyBuggy]

I think going to the big events of your partners family is part of being in an adult relationship. If you aren't prepared to do this it's best to stay single or its like wanting to have your cake and eat it.

Some other things can be a compromise like having separate friends and hobbies to suit you and a snug room the introverted one can retreat to if they don't feel up to guest.

I would also think about potential children. It will harm them if they can't have friends over because their dad can't cope. I'm sorry if that offends any parent reading this who doesn't cope well with guests but it is what it is.

[Shoxfordian]

It is a problem if you don't know your own dealbreakers. How will you decide whether you want to be in any relationship? How will you evaluate whether someone is a good partner for you or not?

[Rezrex]

okay, this took a turn. I think it is worth remembering that the people writing here represent themselves. Just because they don't want anyone in their house, does not mean that all introvers refuse to have guests over. Similarly, not all introverts count down minutes they can leave.

While I appreciate all the comments. We are not at the breakup part. We are at a discussion phase. I know this is a relatively common problem since interner is filled with "5 things about introvert-extrovert relationships". So I'd love to hear about people who have succesfully (or unsuccesfully) navigated this and to what type of agreement worked etc.

I have a few friends who seem to have a succesfully come to an agreement but it's such a Small sample that I'm interested hearing from others. Funnily enough, one couple is my Brother and SIL. My SIL has gotten a lot more social as she has gotten older. I've seen he rmore in the past 4 years than I have in the first 15!

I 100% agree that we need to accept each other. The trouble is that I don't know my own deal breakers. I'm completely happy to accept that he won't be in every thing I'd want, but I also know I'm not 100% happy with him never ever coming to anything and nobody never ever coming to our house (he is not doing or saying that, just putting the extremes). It needs to be in between. Therefore I'm hoping from this thread to hear experiences or suggestions on where the line was drawn to get inspiration.

When I googled this topic, it linked to an old article on daily mail. The writer had basically come to terms with going alone to everything, including her own birthday dinner with other couples. The comment section was filled with people agreeing that this is the way to go. Then there was a blogpost in Huffington post where the wife wanted her child to be close to cousins and visit relatively often. The psychologist really felt for the husband and suggested that the husband would see the in laws once a year in family christmas party and wife should not expect more. One person wrote that the key to happy marriage was to socialize separately since it made more interesting conversations. Alternatively, there were articles and advice about introverted going to a thing but then have a chill the next day or agree to go major things and occationally to others. So there is a variety of advice out there.

[dottydaily]

I personally don’t think a relationship works if you are not understanding And accepting of each other’s personality traits..No one can change a personality so accept him as an intervert or don't...he should make an effort, however if he is an introvert that effort will drain him..he should make every effort to do this for your relationship..you need to acknowledge that when he does attend events it’s a bigger effort for him than you think as an extrovert..Long term I feel this won’t work, if you want someone by your side for all social gatherings...But if you accept him as he is and he accepts that his presents makes you feel good,,,it may work..Not ideal...significant personality difference.

[RuffleCrow]

It sounds like you're wrong for each other:

You want a partner who can relax and enjoy social occasions.

He's not like that.

Is this a dealbreaker for you or not?