This guy is totally unsuitable, right?

[Jonas657]

Had a long phone call with my best friend of 25 years this evening. I just do not know how to handle this or what to say to her but I feel I have to say something.

Bf met a man who she briefly knew online. He's been seperated from his ex wife for around 5 years. The reason for their separation is that he cheated on her with a prostitute and was then charged with raping the prostitute. This went to court and he wasn't convicted. She believes him 100% that he is not guilty. Between the split from the ex wife and the rape trial he meets another woman and gets her pregnant. He also develops a cocaine addiction which he is still battling with and was also made bankrupt.

I asked her what it was about him that she found so attractive and she said he's funny, handsome and knows deep down that he's a good guy and deserves to be happy. I'm honestly aghast. One of these things about him would have me running for the hills never mind all of them. She has children and genuinely seems smitten by him. How do I deal with this, I just cannot see how this is going to end happily and am so worried for her. Or am I being too judgemental?

[Jonas657]

Hi foxandfish, sorry to hear you went through a similar event but I'm glad you're out of it now. AFAIK he doesn't have any convictions but this is probably something he hasnt yet fessed up to my friend about! Had another night of unbroken sleep however I woke up this morning thinking this isn't my problem, I can't change this so I have to just get along with my life and be there for her when it will no doubt go pear shaped

[FoxandFish]

And I just want to add that I know your friend thinks her guy is different and every person who says otherwise is judgmental. I thought that too! After I left him I've done some research and found many stories very similar to mine.

[FoxandFish]

I've been involved with someone addicted to cocain, criminal past, divorced, not allowed to see his son without supervision, always between jobs, no money yet he was so very charming,kind, funny, handsome, intelligent, so willing to change, all his past "mistakes" were not really his fault etc. Soon I found out he was still using coke, had porn and gambling addiction, was in huge debt and what he told me about his past was just tip of the iceberg. He lied to me about pretty much everything. I left him eventually but it wasn't easy so police had to be involved as he threatened me. I ended up with some debt to pay as I lent him a money he has never paid back of course. I hope we are not talking about the same guy as I live in Scotland too.

[backseatcookers]

This is just from a google search so it's from the site of a particular area but I believe the law is the same across the UK.

https://www.cambs.police.uk/information-and-services/Domestic-abuse/Clares-law

Due to the seriousness of his criminal history and the aggravating element of such violence I would call your local force and ask if they ever do Clare's Law checks at the request of a third party.

I know of two mothers who successfully applied for this for their daughters (who didn't want to do it themselves as were convinced they were great guys) and with one it helped. The other wouldn't listen to the police despite them having some safeguarding risks - but I'm unsure what happened in the end.

Poor you. Obviously you're not obligated to get involved and might not want to but just thought I would share in case

[Jonas657]

I've been reading all your replies and getting quite teary over it all. You're all so right but I think that she doesn't value herself enough. She is a lovely person, kind and generous to a fault which means that people sometimes take advantage of her. Someone mentioned her wanting to be a rescuer and I think that's so true. I suspect she's very lonely as well. I just pray she can get out of this unscathed and I'll be there for her but for now I don't think anything I say will work.

[Whathewhatnow]

She is trying to save him. Poor woman that she thinks her only worth in life is trying to save this total fuckwit.

[LockdownLump]

The fact that she thinks it okay for a man to pay money to use a woman's body for sex already makes her sound like a lost cause.

The fact that she thinks a prostitute would pursue a rape case to court, where the CPS must have believed she had a case, just makes her unsaveable.

I would just say, I can't be your friend whilst you're with this man, but please know I'm here for you when you need me.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I suspect the relationship won't last long.

His ex wife 'bored him'. So how long will he keep going with a woman who has kids, so can't just drop everything every time he wants her attention? Who can only have him over when the kids are with their dad? Who isn't going to want, or be able to, indulge in coke binges at his behest?

If you suspect that she will do any of these things despite the kids being around, then she's in more trouble than you can imagine. If she won't, and really is a good mum, then I'd just wait for him to drop her like a hot brick when she can't dance to his tune because of her kids.

[Mistystar99]

Your mate is a complete fuckwit.
And with kids? A selfish cunt fuckwit.

[ravenmum]

I'm not "concerned"; people are welcome to use their own judgement as to how much thought to give any answer.

I guess that if you weren't really asking if he was unsuitable then you also weren't really asking if you were being judgemental?

[monkeyonthetable]

This is so hard. I would have to say something but no one thanks the messenger. I've said something in the past to friends and been turned on for it.

In this situation I'd be really blunt and say, 'He appears to have zero respect for others, particularly women and children. He's high when he looks after his own children; he used prostitutes while married and wasn't cleared of raping someone. You deserve way, way better than this. Why aren't you setting higher standards for yourself and your children - that's what concerns me most - that you think this is all you deserve.' Try and focus on what you think she deserves rather than criticising him. But spell it out. He sounds quite a catch. Ew.

[Jonas657]

Ravenmum I actually name changed for this thread, I've been on mumsnet for a couple of years. And I didn't ask if he was unsuitable, I clearly know he is but if you're that concerned then go and report the thread.

[Jonas657]

She did seem quite annoyed, quite defensive and kept insisting that he's not a bad guy, he's a really good guy deep down and wants to change. I'm just so frustrated, my head now actually hurts.

[backseatcookers]

Fuck me this is one of the worst bad news men stories I've heard on here.

How can she be so selfish when she has children? Bringing this man into her life, and theirs by extension?

The details of the rape case are horrifying. Jesus Christ.

Does she not realise how unbelievably hard it is to get a rape case to court? Let alone when the victim is a prostitute as the odds are so stacked against them within the system.

My god I despair of such shitty parents. There is no excuse for such poor decision making. Many of us have been through terrible situations, me included.

I cannot fathom those situations ever leading to me bringing such an person into my life if I had children.

How was it left with her? Was she annoyed? I would send her the details of the case that you found if you didn't already.

I would try to say to her you think she should do a Clare's Law check on him and that if she does that, you will agree to back off and be there for her when she needs you. I know that's putting pressure on here but she has kids to think about. Maybe it would be a short, sharp shock to see info about him black and white from the police.

Poor you it's terrifying isn't it

[Crystalspider]

I'm not surprised you feeling angry out of frustration. Hopefully she will come to her senses before she gets too serious with him. Does she have many friends and family that check on her for the sake of her children.

[Jonas657]

I'm actually quite angry now that she's seems so blind over all this. I think I'll have to take a step back. 'he really does love his kids' he didn't love his son when he was doing god knows what with a prostitute behind is wifes back because she was apparently boring him.

[Bunnymumy]

Well you've done all you can op.

He has no record of harming kids presumably so I dont think it can reported as a safeguarding issue anyway. Not that I would as she needs to know you are her friend. Not be driven further into his arms by a perceived betrayal.

Hopefully she will have a think now you've had this chat. Time will tell.

[SummerDayWinterEvenings]

I'd tell her if she sees him or puts her children at risk then I WILL report her. She's an adult- the children need safeguarding.

[Jonas657]

Well, I'd have been as well talking to a brick wall.

He's very sorry for the past.
He's trying to sort himself out.
One of the failed drug tests they made a mistake.
His marriage wasn't going well and he thought going to a prostitute would be better than having an affair.
Hes on medication for anxiety and depression.
He's only had one slip up with the cocaine since the new year.
He doesn't mean to do these things, it's just spur of the moment.
He 100% did not rape that woman.

She did however stay quiet when I asked what her exhusband was going to say or do when he found out about all this.

I left it at that and told her I loved her and would always be here for her but that I think she's making a big mistake.

[Warmhandscoldheart]

I'd say I was concerned about her. If she brushes you off, ask what advice she'd give her daughter if she was in a relationship with this man?

[Aknifewith16blades]

I'd put money on her reliving the old trauma with her ex with this delightful man.

I'd be encouraging her to check him out via Clare's Law and Sarah's Law; I'd think about calling the NSPCC to flag that you are concerned about her kids in the relationship (if he can't be around his own kids, he shouldn't be around hers).

And I'd be telling her point blank that if she follows this path she will be putting herself and her kids in danger.

[LittleWing80]

OP from personal experience, she won’t listen and you will end up losing your best friend. Let her go. All you can do can is be ready to pick up the pieces when the car crash eventually happens.

[Reedshoes]

OP I feel your frustration!

My friend sounds kind of like yours but there’s no telling her. She does the same thing time after time and there’s red flags each time but she marches on through then gets hurt.

She’s done it a few times and each time I think FFS. Each time she asks fir my advice and each time she doesn’t take it. I’ve also got another friends in a similar situation ie- moving in with a complete waste of space but hey ho.

I give up now. Some people won’t help themselves and your friend seems like she’s one of those types.

[Jonas657]

Hi imogen, no there's no social services involvement, the kids live with her. Reading back you'd think this guy was a stereotypical rough sort but no, he's got a very good job and lives in a nice area. Just goes to show you can never judge a book by its cover. Calling her now.