Daughter says she never wants to see her dad again

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

So I have posted about my ex and his relationship with our daughter a few times. Long story short, he is emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling, and has started to turn his behaviour onto her now that I no longer engage with him. We've been divorced for over 9 years and she is almost 17.

She used to spend 3 nights a week with him and then he moved further away to live with his new partner, plus she got a part time job near my house, so she reduced contact to one night a week (her decision). He has never been happy with this and repeatedly tries to emotionally blackmail her into seeing him more, tells her he's disappointed with her (repeatedly) because she doesn't want to spend more time with him. Basically treats her like she's still 7 years old and the original contact order should still apply forever. She hasn't seen him at all during lockdown (again, her decision) but when she was staying there before he would leave 'her' room in a tip and not change the sheets after he had slept in it (his partner kicked him out of their room due to his snoring).

His partner is also pregnant and the baby is being induced today, so the latest is he messages her (after a huge row the other night which ended up with her upset) to say 'today I'm going to be a dad.' She was like erm hello...you're already a dad?! I think this is just the final straw for her and she's just told me she never wants to see him again (however she does want to see the baby and be part of it's life so it's very difficult).

I don't know what to do - would you leave her to make her own decisions or try to encourage her to maintain her relationship with him for the sake of the new baby if nothing else? I have tried to reason with him but it falls on deaf ears. He is a classic case of never being wrong no matter how much of an arse he is being.

[Kabakofte]

Hope the visit goes well, ultimately it would be good for your daughter to have a relationship with her dad, maybe this could be a turning point?

[MulticolourMophead]

@ElsieMc I sympathise. My DC don't want to see their dad. I don't force them to.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

She's going at the end of this week so we'll see what happens.

[Kabakofte]

Has your daughter managed to meet the new arrival? Has it eased her concerns at all?

[midnightstar66]

I remember you post about sleeping in the bed, he sounds vile. Let her make her own choices and support her.

[chubbyhotchoc]

The last text he sent was met with disapproval over his wording, previous texts have been viewed as harassment now there's moaning that he hasn't texted. Can't do much right can he?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Yes, the baby arrived late last night. She was upset as she had to hear it via the group WhatsApp with no direct message from her dad.

[ElsieMc]

We have been through this with our gs who lives with us. It is not his dad so much as his paternal grandparents. They think the court order will continue until he is forty. He had been absolutely miserable at contact for some time and sadly we encouraged him to still go for the simple reason that they are the most litigious people on the planet. I simply did not want the stress of more court hearings prior to gs's GCSEs last year. I wanted him to be worry free to focus on this and reassured him that it would not be for much longer. I think I was wrong.

It was a balancing act at the time, the lesser of two evils. He has refused to go for twelve months now and we had to involve the police because his paternal grandfather took to following him and berating him in front of his friends at college. He had a warning to keep away following months of him swearing and guilt tripping gs. Now he refuses to be in the same room as him.

He has threatened to show him the court papers (but doesnt realise that although they got contact, there are serious allegations, since proven against his own son). To me it shows it is more about winning and losing than gs's mental well being. It truly is all about him, a true narcissist.

You need to support your dd, which it sounds like you are already doing. Our case demonstrates that a rigidly enforced contact order which makes a child miserable leads ultimately to relationship breakdown as the child just wants to be free.

Fifteentoes is right.

[Kabakofte]

Has the baby arrived yet? How's your daughter feeling about it now?

[BF888]

I thought it would, as much as each situation is different for us all, we all seem to feel the same at one point or another. The behaviours are almost text book too. You did the best thing, and you’ve shown your daughter along the way that it’s not ok, and at 17 it’s great she does know that because many don’t! I do hope you give yourself some credit because it’s a mighty ordeal even when it continues long after you’ve separated. You expect it to be better but somehow it feels worse because you have your physical freedom but mentally and emotionally they’re still in control.

I used to do the whole meal thing with my father and I dreaded going. I would drive myself and it would be somewhere neutral but it was never pleasant. When someone isn’t present in your life how they Be should as a parent, it’s really hard to sit and engage. I also couldn’t stand how he had treated my mother and found it hard to be in his presence for that alone. If it happens when she is alone with him and his partner isn’t around I wouldn’t be comfortable allowing her to be in that situation, even at her age where she can decide for herself, It’s too detrimental.

She doesn’t have to force a relationship but if she feels she wants some contact it’s best for her to decide what that will be.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I've suggested meeting for meals somewhere neutral, that's a good idea. The problem seems to be whenever she's alone with him, say in the car. He behaves himself when his partner is there.

[Seaweed42]

Can she place more boundaries around the texts etc? Like if he's blowing up her phone... she only reads or answers his texts between 8 and 9pm each day, or something like that. And she goes to his house with her own strict boundaries for arrival and set times to leave. It'd be far better for them to meet in a neutral place for a meal for a specified amount of time rather than her going into his space. Time limited boundaries, set by her. So that the exposure to him is contained.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

You're right @BF888, it does bring it all back. It took years for me to move on. Even years after leaving he was trying to control things like what I spent money on. He found ways to worm his way into my life until I cut off all contact. I cannot stand back and watch my daughter go through the same.

[Kabakofte]

Maybe once the paternity leave is done and he's back at work and knackered from all the sleep deprivation he won't have the energy to fight this fight of his

[Cherrysoup]

What you've written here sounds like someone desperate to be in her life

But he slept in her bed, didn’t change the sheets, is emotionally blackmailing her, left her room a tip, shoved her clothes on the floor to make way for his. Not very welcoming, is it?

[Melabells]

It's her choice at the end of the day and you're doing the right thing to be there if she needs support. I was in her position father was very emotional ly abusive to me and always put me down. I didn't speak to him for almost a year and half but when I became pregnant with my first son I started contact as I didn't want my son to not have a relationship with his grandpa. Fast forward 5 years and despite me going out my way to make sure he gets supported ( he lives alone) he has not contacted me asked how me and children are. Never asked for photos/ video called I am at the point now I don't have time to worry and stress about it. The ball is in his court,I've tried.im too busy enjoying my babies to waste anymore time. My heart goes out to her. She is lucky to have you there supporting her ❤️

[BF888]

It takes empathy in situations like this and some other posters clearly need to get some. Unless anyone has experience abuse in some way then you can trivialise what someone has experienced, it’s never just the action it’s what happens mentally that is the problem.

I think it says a lot about the situation when his partner had to contact you over how he was treating her. If they have some bond then maybe they can continue it but if he’s coercive he may have a problem with that. The main thing is your daughter is happy and content in her life, if he causes so much distress then she should give her self time to decide what she’d like to do but a break is most definitely needed.

I can imagine for you it brings quite a lot of emotion up, it’s almost like witnessing the behaviours you’ve experienced in your marriage now happen to your daughter. Do give yourself some time too as it can be overwhelming.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

No way having a pop at you @Gutterton, you have been very supportive.

[Gutterton]

Whoops thought that was the OP having a pop! Now see it wasn’t.

[Gutterton]

Wow. That was an ugly uncalled for response to someone who has been v supportive of you in this thread.

I missed the detail of the timings - you could have politely and gently clarified.

[chubbyhotchoc]

@Gutterton she hasn't seen him since lockdown so not covid times is it? Completely over dramatised situation

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

She didn't do it @Gutterton - she asked him to clear his stuff up from her room and was accused of being 'disrespectful.' He had also thrown all of her clothes out of the wardrobe to make room for his. It just builds a picture of how little he respects her.

[Gutterton]

Clearing up someone else’s snotty tissues in COVID times? Or was it snot....

Degrading and disgusting.

She should never have done it. And if she did, she should know that she deserves better for clearing up the body fluids of someone who treats her with contempt.

[BluebellForest836]

She was expected to pick up snotty tissues, clear up dirty cups and plates etc which HE had used whilst using her room. No teen should have to clean up after her father.

My daughter just took one of my mugs from her room and put it in the sink downstairs. So technically she’s cleaning up after me.
Better go check she still wants a relationship with me.
You are being ridiculous. Picking up a few items in a room isn’t even cause for a discussion.
To be honest if your daughter is completely over the top like you then it’s clear to see why everything will be blown out of proportion.

[NeedToKnow101]

My DS stopped seeing his dad when he was 16. His decision. It is a bit of a shame as he's missing out on extended family, but it's his decision.