Shallow to end a relationship because of celibacy?

[alltoomuchrightnow]

It won't be the main reason at all but it is an important one to me, to consider ending over.
Please don't ask me the reasons why the celibacy as been through this before on MN, DP won't seek help and doesn't actually want to. It really is final on that score. This has never been my choice however it's killed a lot of the love between us. We live as housemates really, which I find very sad, hollow and depressing
I keep being told I'm shallow by certain friends I have told. But some of them are in celibate relationships and are fine with it.
But that's them, It's not fine for me.
I do have libido I do have desire/drive, and I miss intimacy, sexual love, romantic love.
Sex is important, it's not everything but is important, I've been without for too long.
It's not what I want any more.
Am I shallow? I'm not seeking justification I think mind is made up but I'm sad

[alltoomuchrightnow]

Berties.. that's it... 'misery loves company'

[alltoomuchrightnow]

Berties, I think you summed it up.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

Aside from leaving this relationship, I'd also consider having a good long look at your friendships OP.

They arent friends. Friends support each other and listen to what their friends are telling them and they have empathy for each other when they are unhappy. Your friends sound horrible- they are projecting ALL their fears and insecurities about their own celibate relationship onto you. Pressurising you to remain in a relationship that causes you unhappiness is disgusting behaviour. If they are happy with remaining celibate (and from what youve said, it doesnt sound like they are happy with this at all deep down) then thats fine but you arent them and what I want for my own life wont be what my friends choose for theirs.

Of course they dont want you to leave him- because that means youve done what they dont have the guts to do: leave a relationship that isnt satisfying you.

[Anothernick]

Sex defines a relationship. If you are not having sex and have no intention of doing so in the future then what you have is a friendship, not a relationship.

The OPs relationship is already over as her DP refuses to have sex with her.

[user1481840227]

It's not shallow at all.
What a dismissive word for them to use and it doesn't in any way reflect the seriousness of a relationship where you don't get your intimacy needs met.

One friend is actually furious with me as says she' s lived without sex for years, never wants it again and she likes me DP, she also knows he's been abusive in past, so she knows there's good reason, not just the sex! Yet she seems so angry with me and keeps lecturing about what on earth will I do, where will I go etc.. well I don't know! But I'll work it out! I feel so unsupported

That's not a friend. I'd call her out on her bullshit tbh and tell her to drop the lectures. If you still want her to be your friend i'd also tell her you're not going to mention your relationship to her again so to keep her opinions to herself...but really I don't see why you would want to be friends with her!

[Hohohole]

I couldn't do without intimacy in a relationship. It's one of the most important parts for me. I'd leave or if you love him and want to stay you would have to have an open relationship.

[BeingKindIsFree]

Ah, did you post about him before? It sounds familiar?

Definitely not shallow. Life is far too short. I had a sexless relationship and it was awful. For a long time I thought like your friends and that it didn't matter etc. But over time my libido was just getting higher. Problem was I didn't want the man I was actually with. I kept telling myself it wasn't important and the fact we had a fairly comfortable albeit boring life was better and more important than sex.

Ultimately that mindset didn't last and we split. I also liked someone else in the end ehoch gave me that final push. I was there anyway and waiting until a certain event had passed. Once it did we split. I am with the new man now and this relationship is everything I was looking for, and honestly didn't believe was possible. I'm so much more fulfilled now in every way. I don't regret any of it.

You won't get any happier OP and your friends are giving you bad advice based on their own circumstances.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

I've skipped to the end, sorry.

No not shallow at all. No one can and should have to live without intimacy they didn't choose. No friend should say otherwise. No real friend would. I think that being is this situation is heart breaking. I'd last 5 minutes, it literally destroys your soul.

I think most people would almost rather have someone abusive than cold. It's not natural. Get out and live your life.

Whatever his fucked-up-ness is, it's not your problem. Honestly. Get out and don't look back. As for the friends - don't tell them. The ones that understand are the only ones that you need to talk to about this.

[alltoomuchrightnow]

I certainly won't take friends advice, what is fine for them is not for me, just wish there was a bit more support/ empathy. If their libidos have died, I feel sorry for them. Mine has not and I can't just settle for this. Not like DP has tons of other redeeming qualities anyway ;) We don't even cuddle any more, when we did at least I had that closeness.
We really are like siblings, never what I wanted, and leading quite separate lives

[Skyla2005]

Do what you need to do to be happy op. As others have said life is too short to be miserable. Your a long time dead. Get out and start afresh there’s a big world out there !!

[alltoomuchrightnow]

All three I think , El8888. But mainly stubborness. Pressing medical issues he will NOT tell doctor about even when he has checkups and clinics for other issues. But he has no libido anyway, reckons it went in his early 40s, he's now late 50s. It killed his last relationship dead.
So even if two physical problems were looked into , that's not going to matter a jot because he has no drive.
But he's said he won't tell the doctor. This is actually my main reason to leave, not the lack of sex! The fact he has no respect for himself let alone me. He has a condition making him very uncomfortable and won't tell the doctor. He's had it for a few years now.

[alltoomuchrightnow]

We are not married . No children (infertility)
The house is his. Separate bank accounts.
I'm not really in a financial position to leave but am back at work now, could try get more hours

[Plancina]

I left my first husband because of this - it was so sad because he was a lovely man but I felt like part of me was being crushed slowly. I’m engaged now and so happy and wish I had done it much sooner rather than waiting ten years.

[solarlightexpress]

I don't think it's shallow.

End it and live your life.

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

Any reason is a good enough reason.

No one else's opinion on whether or not sex is important is relevant.

You matter, what you want matters.

[EL8888]

Not shallow at all! As other have said the. Life is too short, it’s fine if he doesn’t want to but you dong need to feel like that

Your friends sound rather unhelpful. It’s fine if they want to tolerate it in the their relationships but you don’t need to

Why has he said it’s not going to happen again? Physical, psychological or is it a control thing from him?

[dontgobaconmyheart]

Sounds like you've already decided though OP? You can end a relationship for any reason you like. What others think of it isn't the point. Your friends aren't with him, your friends aren't you- you are.

Not everybody does regard sex as important and not everybody has a libido or wants physical intimate contact or is able to have it for reasons of mental or physical health. There is nothing wrong with that as a if both parties are on board, those people are not living without 'real' love or passion or intimacy. People value different things in life and are fulfilled by different things.

You know how you feel and you are obviously not compatible and the relationship makes you unhappy and isnt ever going to offer what ypu want so ending it is the right thing to do. If he has also been abusive it seems a no brainer.

[Windyatthebeach]

If your dh had explored and tried every avenue I would feel sad you still wanted to leave but he seems to be refusing to even address his problems..
That is the reason you leave imo.
Being with a selfish man is not acceptable in these circumstances..

[Nowstrong]

Life is too short. Whatever the reason. You are neither happy nor satisfied. I hope you find happiness and fulfillment. Time to live your life!

[canigooutyet]

@alltoomuchrightnow
Your only a couple of years older than me. End it. See where live takes you. Friends opinions well they don’t have to live with him and just because they enjoy a sexless relationship doesn’t mean you have to.

I couldn’t see myself in that type of relationship. I think I remember your previous thread and you had tried alsorts and he won’t change.

No one should settle for crap sex or worse no sex. I was put into menopause last year and it’s not slowed me down thankfully cos tbh that was my one fear!!

[fantasmasgoria1]

My ex and I didn't have sex for 4 years and it broke me. It made me feel so unloved and unwanted. There were other reasons why we broke up such as alcoholism and abusive behaviour but this was a massive factor.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Anyone who says you're shallow for this has never had good sex. It would be very different if he was ill or something, but I suspect that would be less of a problem; you'd know it wasn't a rejection of you or a dismissal of your feelings and needs. If he's not prepared even to try to seek help, then it isn't about getting jiggy, it's about not caring how you feel.

Any partner has the right to refuse sex, and any partner has the right to decide that they don't want to live that way.

[BertiesLanding]

Your celibate friends will be deeply invested in your staying with your DP so that your actions don't rock the boat of their fragile equilibrium in their own relationships. Don't do it. Go out and live your life.

[NoMoreDickheads]

One friend is actually furious with me as says she' s lived without sex for years, never wants it again and she likes me DP

Given your later posts, have you told your friend you're chatting with and fancy someone else, and that's why she thinks how you're treating your DH is not ok?

Either way, end it (and ideally start living separately from) your husband, before you start anything at all with this other guy. It's the right thing to do.

[ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings]

It's not a shallow reason OP, but I have to emphasise this point: you don't need your reason to be "deep enough" before you're allowed to leave. You can leave at any time for any reason. Maybe if you had children to consider it would be different, but it doesn't sound like you do. You can leave him because he doesn't want sex. You can leave him because he wants too much sex. You can leave him because you don't like the way he parts his hair if you want. You don't need permission to end a relationship, you can just leave.