Is it just my anxiety or is it my instincts?

[Tillylils]

For a bit of background, I've been single for a few years. Been on a few dates but nothing has worked out.
I met a lovely guy online. He's good looking and we get on really well. We've met a couple of times, socially distancing of course, and it went really well.
He seems to be quite keen, has talked about the future, us maybe going away, things that might happen and how he'd be if we were in a relationship. I've been very flattered as I haven't had this level of interest for a long time. He's very attentive, messaging me throughout the day which is lovely.
However since we've met my anxiety has been through the roof. It tends to get like that with any change in my life. I feel constantly worried and sick. I keep thinking this is too good to be true.
He is a very involved father which is one of the things I like about him. His youngest is still a baby so he has daily contact with the child's mother. They are friends and sometimes go out as a family which is great and it shows what a good man he is. It's ridiculous and I'm ashamed to admit it but I'm not sure if I could deal with that in the future.
There are a couple of strange things he's said too. He's mentioned his 12 year olds penis a few times, telling me how big it is. He's also spoken about a random young girl he saw who he believed thought she was gorgeous and he hates girls like that.
He has also been very kind, he's cooked for me and he made me a planter for my garden. He keeps telling me I'm amazing which is obviously lovely to hear.
I have a history of self sabotaging good things and I don't know if I should ride it out and see what happens and out my feelings down to my stupid anxiety or if this is my gut telling me something.
Also he has just had some bad news about a family member and is having big issues with one of his children. He had a really bad week last week. I've been listening to him talk and he said I was the only positive in his life in the past week so I feel like I should hang on for a bit really.
I keep thinking it shouldn't feel like this in the early stages, and sometimes it does feel exciting and I feel happy. I just wish my anxiety would stop.
Any advice and thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[PicsInRed]

He's mentioned his 12 year olds penis a few times, telling me how big it is.

Don't need to read on

This relationship is OVER. OVER.

[Tillylils]

@Bluntness100

Don’t let this piece of shit win op, you should totally trust your instincts, you spotted the issue, sought advice to make sure then acted to get rid fast.

There’s nothing wrong with your instincts. There’s plenty of good guys, just have fun finding one, and when you see red flags again, trust your instincts or check on here. Seriously don’t let this loser put you off.

Thank you, that's kind of you to say. I'm just struggling a bit today. Feeling a bit hopeless.

[Bluntness100]

Don’t let this piece of shit win op, you should totally trust your instincts, you spotted the issue, sought advice to make sure then acted to get rid fast.

There’s nothing wrong with your instincts. There’s plenty of good guys, just have fun finding one, and when you see red flags again, trust your instincts or check on here. Seriously don’t let this loser put you off.

[Tillylils]

Thanks for all the replies yesterday, it really was helpful. Thankfully I haven't heard from him apart from when he text to say his dog would miss me.
I think I'm going to stay single, there are so few good men around and I just don't trust my judgement. I feel horrified thinking of what might have been.
Anyway, thank you again.

[backseatcookers]

He's mentioned his 12 year olds penis a few times, telling me how big it is.

We can only hope if he had a 12 year old daughter and he'd been saying how great her boobs were you would have seen this for the fucking giant red flag it is.

You shouldn't be dating at the moment when you are this vulnerable to men like this. Especially when you have a child.

This many red flags after a few socially distanced dates and you weren't sure whether to stop seeing him or not?

Bloody hell do some work on unravelling why that is before you date anyone again.

[Yeahnahmum]

Yuck, yuck and... run away

[booboo24]

The love bombing is always a red flag, the details about his son's private parts is plain weird, and the mentioning a 16 year old thinking she's gorgeous just sounds like he's saying she's is big headed, and I must admit I find that annoying too!

Your gut instinct is the biggest need flag though, I understand you're worried that your anxiety is clouding it, but I think underneath it all your intuition is telling you something

[Takingontheworld]

Just seen you have a daughter. Fucking run. He's targeting you

[monkeymonkey2010]

He's mentioned his 12 year olds penis a few times, telling me how big it is. He's also spoken about a random young girl he saw who he believed thought she was gorgeous and he hates girls like that

No matter how many good points a person has - it's the 'bad' points that you need to address to see if this is worth it.
The above - what the actual fuck?!!!!
NO! Just no! It makes me cringe to read that so god knows how you felt when put on the spot to listen to it!

It's fine being 'involved' especially as his youngest is a baby and maybe his ex needs a bit more support right now, that should naturally change over time with boundaries and clear expectations/responsibilities on both sides.

It's his 'keenness' for planning out a 'future' for you both so early on that is rather concerning.
He doesn't even know you yet - but is imagining an idealised version of you.
Hmmmm...maybe you should 'suggest' he first get to grips with parenting his children on his own?
Hanging out with his ex doesn't equal 'parenting by yourself'.
Maybe his keenness to move things along could be to do with trying to line up replacement childcare?

Whatever it is, i don't think i'd pursue things with him.

[nolovelost]

Definitely trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right it probably isn't. And I don't think he's normal. I finished with a guy that was obsessed with his penis, tried to think he could model me into some type of person, talked about his ex too much and after I showed him a picture of my daughter, rather than saying something like "oh that's a nice picture" he said "I prefer dark hair" I was like errr whaaaat?! Something definitely wasn't right with him.

It also sounds like either he's not broken up with his ex at all or he's a complete shit. As who splits up with a baby?

[3LittleMonkeyz]

It's your instincts! You've picked up on some red flags. He might just be a bit odd, he might be an abuser. Doesn't matter, one you've got that gut feeling you cannot ignore it. If you do ignore it then you will always be denying your true feelings, always be anxious and on edge and excuse more red flags. It's ok to say "I am not feeling comfortable with this I want to end it." It's ok to end it for any reason. You don't owe this man anything. But you should listen to your gut instinct, because the more you ignore it the less receptive it becomes. The more you respond to it the more reliable it becomes. A reliable gut feeling is one of our greatest protections.

[Crystalspider]

It's creepy op this is your gut feeling telling you it's not right.
Remember this is him on his best behaviour and it's off already.
You wouldn't want him saying and thinking inappropriate thoughts about your daughter.

[SpiderStan]

"He's mentioned his 12 year olds penis a few times, telling me how big it is."

This would have been enough for me to say bye-bye.

[Bluntness100]

Don’t be anxious. You spotted the red flags, asked, and acted. You should be proud of yourself.

The reason people end up in the shit is because they ignore the red flags and hope it’s just some benign behaviour. It never is

[Tillylils]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I feel much better already although still quite anxious. I feel bad about doing this when he has so many problems but I have to do what's right for me and my daughter. I've blamed it on my anxiety and he's taken it well, says he's gutted but I shouldn't feel bad.

[NoMoreDickheads]

he said I was the only positive in his life

This is also one of the classic manipulative things dodgy blokes say.

Well done for getting rid of him OP, don't get drawn back in, and now you know more things to watch out for. xxx

[Bluntness100]

Well done ending it op. The reason people end up in dire circumstances in terrible relationships is because they see the red flags and continue on regardless.

And you can bet your last dollar that the girl who he said thought she was gorgeous and he just had to tell you about was no where near sixteen. Likely twelve to fourteen. It seems the age range he’s interested in.

Block him now. And tell you daughter if she “happens” to meet him not to engage with him. Just to excuse herself politely and move on,

And even if next time it’s innocent, next time you meet a bloke who tells you a female thought she was gorgeous respond “good for her”. That’s exactly what she should think.

[Mermaidwaves]

Op its your gut speaking, I've had similar to you since online dating. I get anxiety too but when its related to a guy I think its our instincts telling us. I know the exact feeling you describe, you want to feel happy but when you think about him you get a sicky feeling right? And you're trying to convince yourself otherwise? You know this guy is a wrong un so end it now.

[Buggedandconfused]

Well done OP for ending it. He’s not a healthy person. You could never, ever relax with him around your daughter. What a horrible specimen he is.

[GilbertMarkham]

Passing comment about girls young enough to be his daughter no doubt.
4 Noticing, then bragging about his son's penis!!

This.

Weird and inappropriate.

And that's before he started calling his ex derogatory names.

Wonder what she has to say about him.

[GilbertMarkham]

*cheated on

[GilbertMarkham]

While there may be a tiny number of exceptions, Mumsnet and observation has led me to realise than that are virtually no "lovely" guys who are separated from their partner with young children.

Women don't separate from decent men when they have young children. And likewise decent men don't separate from their partner and mother of their young children.

There may be the odd, exceptional case (he's been cheated and doesn't want to engage in trying to work it out for example) but those are truly exceptional.
In the vast majority of cases he is not decent.

And when you see the shit that women on here put up with to keep their family together, and the issues they face when separated ) financial just for a start) ... You realise it has to be pretty fkg bad.

[borntohula]

Imagine how his poor 12yo would feel about that.

[carexfairex]

Ugh. Are you writing your first novel?

Dunno why other posters are indulging you

Because if the OP is legit then the more advice to get away from this man she gets the better.

You may see it as indulging, others are merely trying to help.

[Opentooffers]

Things you should maybe have picked up on that were wrong.
1 Love bombing
2 Using language such as 'twat' to describe his ex and mother of his child.
3 Passing comment about girls young enough to be his daughter no doubt.
4 Noticing, then bragging about his son's penis!! - how do you need to ask after all that?
I think you need to set your bar much higher, otherwise you could end up with any screwed up perv, just because they lovebombed you - too much too soon is always a bad sign.
I also would not be surprised if he gets on with his baby's mother and sees them daily as she's not an ex. It would be unusual for there not to be some bad feeling if splitting up with someone when you have a young child,