Mil probs with DH and DD

[Coconut80]

Hi, I am at the end of my tether and looking for advice. For background I have been married for 25 years and have DS18 and DD16. Throughout our marriage our relationship with Inlaws has been our biggest problem, mil in particular I think has some form of personality disorder. There have been many incidents over the years with her, we currently live 6 hours away from them, deliberately putting a distance between us 15years ago. Two years ago I was hospitalised as I became very unwell with depression and was suicidal. 6 months prior to that she had told my husband I was a wicked snake and he promptly told me. I was done after that never been called such a horrible name before. When I was ill this name really preyed on my mind and DH begged her to apologise as did fil allegedly. She didn't she sent one of those awful I'm sorry if you believe I said that.
Since then DH has remained in weekly cordial contact with fil but rarely and only recently spoken with mil. The kids spent time last year with Inlaws and have phone contact and normal grandparent contact.

The problem I have is that I think she has been so cruel to me kicking me when I'm down yet gets all the good bits with the gc. I am essentially bypassed as the problem one and their relationship happens. It is a recurrent argument as my DH cannot see why I see this as a problem and is outraged that I would even think of the kids not seeing them. I feel really let down by him and very much feel he doesn't have my back and is not protective. He gets very angry saying he did all he could and rarely speaks to his mum.
We are at an impasse I feel really strongly about this and would never let anyone treat him in such a way, it is a real fundamental problem in our marriage any advice would be very welcome thanks xx

@Coconut80

I know it's not healthy and as I said I have been very depressed. I don't know how to stop obsessing about being called that name. I do think it is unfair she can behave so badly at such a difficult time for our whole family and then move on never properly apologise and act like the doting granny. Surely we are a family and it's not right to treat me so badly as it impacted all of us by damaging my mental health hence functioning as a mother.

This is going to sound harsh, but even if she did call you a wicked snake, to my mind she could have said much worse and tbh I think you're focusing on 1 episode and putting the blame on her, rather than addressing the obvious issues that remain with your mh. You're living in the past, and it sounds like "on repeat" bringing this up, when the issue has been as resolved as its going to be.

You're 6 hours away, yet you're still letting her, by your own volition, control your life.

As for your children, they've maintained a rels3and really now is not the time for you to try and guilt them into not maintaining that relationship.

Wicked snake is not such a dreadful thing - at least she didn't call you a 'conniving cunt'. You are associating her words with your hospital stay and it's all become a huge thing in your mind. You need to disassociate yourself from her words. SHE said them, they don't have to be true, people say all kinds of crap. The wickedness is in her head, not in you.

Do seek more treatment though. You still sound very depressed if you are letting this rule your life. Your DH is doing what he can to keep his mother at arm's length, please don't make him suffer from your poor MH.

@zaphodsotherhead what a horrible thing to be called I can see that is worse poor you. I am determined to try and move on and put it out of my head or at least stop myself arguing about it I definetly can do that x

When you imagine her saying these words, picture her in front of a mirror (saying them to herself). The words that come out of her mouth say so much more about her than they ever could about you.

I am sorry that you experienced such a shocking MH crisis - you have done wonderfully to pull through. Your DCs and DD must be v relieved and v proud of you.

Have you been under any specific pressure recently and been aware that you are feeling especially vulnerable - or has this been the same intensity for the last 2/3 years?

Making assumptions on your age - excuse me if I am off - but if you are having monthly arguments - is it related to peri-menopausal PMT or other peri-mono issues (anxiety, irritability, insomnia)? I never ever had PMT until meno - then I had the RAGE.

Maybe a physical and MH check in with GP to ensure you are all in balance.

As PP has said - a stuck ptsd emotional flash back might be at play with intrusive thoughts.

She did say those cruel vicious words back then but she isn’t saying it now, again and again and again. You did exceptionally well to get some sort of action out of her even though it didn’t satisfy you. That’s a major achievement with anyone with a PD.

A 2 stage technique for dealing with intrusive thoughts is:

1: “Thought stopping” - literally visualise a big red STOP sign or the palm of your hand flat up against her face once those words / images / sensations float up. Or any image that works for you.

2: “Thought Substitution” Need to fill that mental space immediately with something v positive. A list of your top 3 wonderful attributes, a wonderful song, a beautiful memory.

Impressed that you moved away and with your DH for having your back - but don’t let her pollute your life and destroy your marriage and family from afar. You need to preserve that. I wouldn’t worry about her having minimal contact with your DCs - you have won already - she has missed out on so much time from their childhoods that she can’t ever make up. At your DCs ages they are not going to prioritise seeing distant GPs 6 hours away.

Look after yourself, you have been through a lot - see your GP, manage the ptsd intrusive thoughts, drop the stuff with your DH and give him a hug and all will be well.

EMDR therapy would be excellent I think OP, to take some of the sting out of the memories of your hospital admission and her comments.

I agree with PP's that your husband has been pretty good from what you've said.

Do the kids see MiL and FiL that often?

How is your marriage in general?

@Gutterton
Great advice.

OP, super advice above.
What a hard road you have had, yet you have thrived.
Take back your power from your MIL.
Your husband has tried.
Give him that credit and look for support.

Menopause is honestly the freakiest period in life for some women...and then you are through it and can't believe how well you feel.
A very long 7 years here, but it is like such a weight has shifted when it is finished.

Dont underestimate how messed up your head can feel.while going through it.

I certainly wasn't aware.

I really can't think why your DH thought telling you what she said was a good idea.
What good did he think would come of it.

She denied saying it...effectively calling her own son a liar.

I think he should have dealt with the issue with her and not involved you. I certainly wouldn't tell my DH if a member of my family said something nasty. I could decide for myself to cut contact with them though.

@gutterton you have a real understandi g of the situation, I will try the thought stopping techniques Thankyou. Never thought of menopause but I am 48 and pre menstrual when we argued. Will see gp re bloods

The kids see gp a few times a year they go to visit them. It worries me esp with dd incase she snipes at her.

Why is it people with pd can't take responsibility for their actions. I can't fathom why she wouldn't do anything to make the situation OK for us as a family. In fact caused so much more upset for her son and me.

My marriage is good and I love our family life we live in a very remote and rural area of Scotland and we have a lovely life. We do bicker but only ever argue properly about this big issue. My DH is lovely kind and supportive.

This thread has really helped because I honestly thought I was right I couldn't see all the things DH has done to help. It clearly is post trauma as I think of the name and am straight back in that awful ill situation.

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to reply I really appreciate it x

Well done OP. I hope you get the support you need to heal. Good luck.

Well done OP for having a think.

Please do NOT underestimate the peri-menopause at 48...I was in hell at 46....it can really mess up things emotionally for you.

Mind yourself