Mil probs with DH and DD

[Coconut80]

Hi, I am at the end of my tether and looking for advice. For background I have been married for 25 years and have DS18 and DD16. Throughout our marriage our relationship with Inlaws has been our biggest problem, mil in particular I think has some form of personality disorder. There have been many incidents over the years with her, we currently live 6 hours away from them, deliberately putting a distance between us 15years ago. Two years ago I was hospitalised as I became very unwell with depression and was suicidal. 6 months prior to that she had told my husband I was a wicked snake and he promptly told me. I was done after that never been called such a horrible name before. When I was ill this name really preyed on my mind and DH begged her to apologise as did fil allegedly. She didn't she sent one of those awful I'm sorry if you believe I said that.
Since then DH has remained in weekly cordial contact with fil but rarely and only recently spoken with mil. The kids spent time last year with Inlaws and have phone contact and normal grandparent contact.

The problem I have is that I think she has been so cruel to me kicking me when I'm down yet gets all the good bits with the gc. I am essentially bypassed as the problem one and their relationship happens. It is a recurrent argument as my DH cannot see why I see this as a problem and is outraged that I would even think of the kids not seeing them. I feel really let down by him and very much feel he doesn't have my back and is not protective. He gets very angry saying he did all he could and rarely speaks to his mum.
We are at an impasse I feel really strongly about this and would never let anyone treat him in such a way, it is a real fundamental problem in our marriage any advice would be very welcome thanks xx

[billy1966]

Well done OP for having a think.

Please do NOT underestimate the peri-menopause at 48...I was in hell at 46....it can really mess up things emotionally for you.

Mind yourself

[Batqueen]

Well done OP. I hope you get the support you need to heal. Good luck.

[Coconut80]

My marriage is good and I love our family life we live in a very remote and rural area of Scotland and we have a lovely life. We do bicker but only ever argue properly about this big issue. My DH is lovely kind and supportive.

This thread has really helped because I honestly thought I was right I couldn't see all the things DH has done to help. It clearly is post trauma as I think of the name and am straight back in that awful ill situation.


Thankyou everyone for taking the time to reply I really appreciate it x

[Coconut80]

The kids see gp a few times a year they go to visit them. It worries me esp with dd incase she snipes at her.

Why is it people with pd can't take responsibility for their actions. I can't fathom why she wouldn't do anything to make the situation OK for us as a family. In fact caused so much more upset for her son and me.

[Coconut80]

@gutterton you have a real understandi g of the situation, I will try the thought stopping techniques Thankyou. Never thought of menopause but I am 48 and pre menstrual when we argued. Will see gp re bloods

[SandyY2K]

I really can't think why your DH thought telling you what she said was a good idea.
What good did he think would come of it.

She denied saying it...effectively calling her own son a liar.

I think he should have dealt with the issue with her and not involved you. I certainly wouldn't tell my DH if a member of my family said something nasty. I could decide for myself to cut contact with them though.

[billy1966]

@Gutterton
Great advice.

OP, super advice above.
What a hard road you have had, yet you have thrived.
Take back your power from your MIL.
Your husband has tried.
Give him that credit and look for support.

Menopause is honestly the freakiest period in life for some women...and then you are through it and can't believe how well you feel.
A very long 7 years here, but it is like such a weight has shifted when it is finished.

Dont underestimate how messed up your head can feel.while going through it.

I certainly wasn't aware.

[NoMoreDickheads]

EMDR therapy would be excellent I think OP, to take some of the sting out of the memories of your hospital admission and her comments.

I agree with PP's that your husband has been pretty good from what you've said.

Do the kids see MiL and FiL that often?

How is your marriage in general?

[Gutterton]

I am sorry that you experienced such a shocking MH crisis - you have done wonderfully to pull through. Your DCs and DD must be v relieved and v proud of you.

Have you been under any specific pressure recently and been aware that you are feeling especially vulnerable - or has this been the same intensity for the last 2/3 years?

Making assumptions on your age - excuse me if I am off - but if you are having monthly arguments - is it related to peri-menopausal PMT or other peri-mono issues (anxiety, irritability, insomnia)? I never ever had PMT until meno - then I had the RAGE.

Maybe a physical and MH check in with GP to ensure you are all in balance.

As PP has said - a stuck ptsd emotional flash back might be at play with intrusive thoughts.

She did say those cruel vicious words back then but she isn’t saying it now, again and again and again. You did exceptionally well to get some sort of action out of her even though it didn’t satisfy you. That’s a major achievement with anyone with a PD.

A 2 stage technique for dealing with intrusive thoughts is:

1: “Thought stopping” - literally visualise a big red STOP sign or the palm of your hand flat up against her face once those words / images / sensations float up. Or any image that works for you.

2: “Thought Substitution” Need to fill that mental space immediately with something v positive. A list of your top 3 wonderful attributes, a wonderful song, a beautiful memory.

Impressed that you moved away and with your DH for having your back - but don’t let her pollute your life and destroy your marriage and family from afar. You need to preserve that. I wouldn’t worry about her having minimal contact with your DCs - you have won already - she has missed out on so much time from their childhoods that she can’t ever make up. At your DCs ages they are not going to prioritise seeing distant GPs 6 hours away.

Look after yourself, you have been through a lot - see your GP, manage the ptsd intrusive thoughts, drop the stuff with your DH and give him a hug and all will be well.

[Neepers]

When you imagine her saying these words, picture her in front of a mirror (saying them to herself). The words that come out of her mouth say so much more about her than they ever could about you.

[Coconut80]

@zaphodsotherhead what a horrible thing to be called I can see that is worse poor you. I am determined to try and move on and put it out of my head or at least stop myself arguing about it I definetly can do that x

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Wicked snake is not such a dreadful thing - at least she didn't call you a 'conniving cunt'. You are associating her words with your hospital stay and it's all become a huge thing in your mind. You need to disassociate yourself from her words. SHE said them, they don't have to be true, people say all kinds of crap. The wickedness is in her head, not in you.

Do seek more treatment though. You still sound very depressed if you are letting this rule your life. Your DH is doing what he can to keep his mother at arm's length, please don't make him suffer from your poor MH.

[SoloMummy]

@Coconut80

I know it's not healthy and as I said I have been very depressed. I don't know how to stop obsessing about being called that name. I do think it is unfair she can behave so badly at such a difficult time for our whole family and then move on never properly apologise and act like the doting granny. Surely we are a family and it's not right to treat me so badly as it impacted all of us by damaging my mental health hence functioning as a mother.

This is going to sound harsh, but even if she did call you a wicked snake, to my mind she could have said much worse and tbh I think you're focusing on 1 episode and putting the blame on her, rather than addressing the obvious issues that remain with your mh. You're living in the past, and it sounds like "on repeat" bringing this up, when the issue has been as resolved as its going to be.

You're 6 hours away, yet you're still letting her, by your own volition, control your life.

As for your children, they've maintained a rels3and really now is not the time for you to try and guilt them into not maintaining that relationship.

[Coconut80]

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to reply @baubled I think you are right, being so ill and in hospital was very traumatic and I do associate it with the mil comment. The comment takes me straight back to that time when I was acutely suicidal. I will see gp and look into getting some talking therapy, thanks x
We moved six hours away 15 years ago for us both to put distance between us and Inlaws. It was a joint decision not in relation to this event.
Yes my husband is a good man and this relationship with Inlaws has been the one thing that has blighted it ever since we had kids. I need to move on and leave it I know for the sake of my marriage. I guess cause she is able to be granny I feel like it was inconsequential for her but I can see that it's not.
I don't think I've ever been called any other names in my life I just think snake implies sly and slippery and wicked self explanatory.

Thankyou xx

[xxxemzyxxx]

OP I can completely understand that you don’t want anything to do with her, and rightly so. But I personally think your DP has done more than enough, as others have also said. He held her to account, moved 6 hours away and has little contact with her. He has every right to have a relationship with his parents if that’s his choice, it doesn’t sound like he expects you to as well. And in that he has been completely on your side.

Your DC’s are also old enough to make their own decisions about the contact they have with their grandparents. If you and your DP decide to tell them why you do not have a relationship with her, then they can continue to make the decision themselves.

I think you need to let this argument go for the sake of your marriage, and possibly some therapy may help you address your feelings on the matter?

[Treacletoots]

My mother behaves in exactly the same towards me. And as a result, we don't speak to her, and neither does she get to spend time with my DD.

However, this is something we've enforced since she was born, if she couldn't be nice to me, she doesn't get to have a relationship with her GD. That's just not OK.

Not sure now where to go with this, your DC are old enough to make that decision, and you seem to be holding on to resentment which is making you stressed.

It sounds like you need to find ways to put her out your mind and focus on other things otherwise she's still winning.

[Coffeecak3]

Good advice from @baubled.
I have to accept that my dh will continue contact with his db who attacked me very aggressively on a public forum. My dd is getting married this year and my bil will be at the wedding.
I too find it very hard to deal with because it seems so unfair. If you have obsessive thoughts then injustice will eat at you.
In your case your mil is revelling in upsetting you and causing discord.
Once you stop caring what she thinks then your life will improve.
Of course inside it still hurts but don’t let mil know that.
Act like she’s invisible. And your dc will know more than you realise.

[Nearlyalmost50]

OP, my MIL has said some bad things about me. I haven't forgotten them, and my husband had my back in that he would always look after me/prioritize me/support me if I didn't want to see them, but he wouldn't cut contact with his parents, and I wouldn't expect him to. I think you are obsessing over this and this is a sign of your issues as much as it is that he has done anything wrong- as someone else said, can you talk with your therapist or psychiatric nurse/consultant about this?

I don't think you are wrong to be annoyed with this woman, but you are to collapse your marriage over it many years later, when your husband has already distanced himself/moved away/hardly has contact with them anyway.

[achillesratty]

Unfortunately life is unfair and you have no control over what people say about you. It's not fair to blame her for your mental health issues though, you are blowing the name calling out of all proportion probably because of your mental health problems.

She basically lost her son because of what she said. My ex MIL hated me and called me things that make "wicked snake" sound like a compliment. You will destroy your marriage if you carry on.

If it's dominating your life so much and obviously it is because of the repeated arguments, you need to go back to your GP because these are obsessive thoughts and are not good for your mental wellbeing.

[WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo]

I dunno, the way you're coming across on here I'm beginning to think your mil may have had a point.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

Have you discussed this with your therapist? This seems to be quite a bit of an overreaction to being called a snake, which is in the grand scheme of things a pretty mild insult. If you're having intrusive, obsessive thoughts about it so many years on i think you should seek additional help, this seems disproportionate.

Your DH has done pretty much everything he can do here, i don't see what else you could expect of him.

[NYCDreaming]

@Coconut80 that sounds awful and I can see why it would play on your mind. The fact that someone you have known so long could have said that about you in your most vulnerable state, and now you're expected to 'be the bigger person' and 'move on' without so much as a proper apology. I can understand why you feel the way that you do.

You can certainly feel disappointed in your DH's reaction and you can resolve never to see her again, but you can't really police her interactions with your teens without coming across as the villain of the piece. Hopefully they are at an age where they will start to see her for what she is - but that is their relationship to navigate.

[Windyatthebeach]

Imo your dc should be made aware what they have put you through..
My dc would be upse I had kept quiet and offered th up to such a toxic family..

[baubled]

There are certain things in my life that I thought o couldn't move on from and that there was something wrong with me because I wanted to let it go but I just couldn't. Recently I had some counselling and mentioned this and when we went through it she said the original situation had caused trauma and while things are still the same how are you supposed to accept it and move on when there's a constant reminder sending you back to the original traumatic experience.

This sounds like it could be similar, especially when you mention your time with depression, it's something which has latched on and you can't unstick it no matter how much you want to and how much you try.

I'm not saying I've fixed things because I've not but understanding the trauma has really helped, for example when something reminds me of the original issue, I try and tell myself over and over again that this is separate, I also feel more in control knowing that there is a legitimate reason.

I really feel for you because it's a shitty place to be in and you just can't drop it how ever much you try- learning to come to some kind of acceptance might be easier and plus, if this ruins your marriage the cow bag wins and gets her own way!

[Aquamarine1029]

I don't know how to move on

Stop instigating the same pointless argument, for one. Your husband made the terrible mistake of telling you what she said, but he tried to make up for it by getting her to apologise. He also dramatically scaled back contact with them. You won't accept her "apology", which I wouldn't either, but your husband has no control over what his mother says. He can't force her to say what you want to hear. Don't you understand that? What more can he possibly do? How many times do you need to punish him until you're satisfied?

If your husband is otherwise a good man, I would think you could forgive him. No one is perfect, including you.