I feel like I'm destined for a life of heartbreak

[Rach889]

I guess I just wanted to come on here and vent, as romantic relationships is an area of my life that I feel like just never goes right and I'm so tired of it.

My relationships either go 2 ways- either I realise that there's no spark and end it, or they disrespect me in some way and the relationship ends. For the past few years, all I seem to be getting is bad luck.

The first man that I ever properly loved lead me on for a month before telling me he didn't want a relationship.

The next man was my idea of a perfect boyfriend/fiance/husband and I believed that our relationship was going to last. We ended up getting pregnant with a little boy together- not planned but he was the biggest blessing in my life. However, less than a month into my pregnancy I found out that he had been cheating for the past few months with multiple different women. I had been with this man for two years at this point, and we'd planned out our whole future together, so it really turned my life upside down. We had a messy breakup and then I took many years out fro the dating to heal and focus on our son. My ex moved on straight away with one of his side pieces and they have been together ever since.

Around a year ago, I finally felt like dating again. But the issue is, it takes a long shot for me to actually feel a spark for someone. I went on so many dates I've lost count, yet I found no one who sparked my interest.

Then unexpectedly, a friend of a friend came into my life and suddenly I felt something again. He made me feel excited about life, and most importantly he was lovely with my son. He also seemed very down to earth and genuine, which I felt was more trustworthy than loud and vain like my ex had been. We were seeing each other for some time, and I was expecting things to progress into a relationship. But then there was a bombshell. It turned out that he had a secret girlfriend, and now I was the side piece.

This happened about a month ago and I'm still trying to process everything. Obviously we broke it off, but I can't help wondering why I have such bad luck with relationships. There are plenty of men who seem nice enough that approach me, but try as I might, I just can't feel that spark or attraction. The last time I was with a loving partner who I loved back was over 7 years ago. It feels like everyone who ever lies, cheats or disrespects me has gone on to have their happy ending whilst I'm stuck in this never ending cycle of bad dates, alone and miserable.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. If anyone has any positive stories about how their partner has eventually come along then I'd love to hear them. I love my son more than life itself, but I always had the picture of myself being married with my own little family by now and I can't pretend that this doesn't hurt.

[Naimee87]

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Seeing as you have a lot of good advice which definitely resonated with me, i'd like to know what you would do in the situations where feelings seem to be mutual but then turn out not to be. I definitely rush in head first all the time and don't take time to get to know the men before rushing into a relationship. Having realised this pattern I am now super cautious. However what i seem to experience is that when i feel i can trust the guy and we're on the same page, feelings have been discussed and i'm used to and reassured by the contact we have all of a sudden messages and calls suddenly change and sort of stop. I then feel like and idiot because for me nothing has changed and i'm left 'chasing' them to find out what the matter is and then come across like a crazy person...Is this just typical 'stringing along' behaviour from men that once they get what they want they're just not man enough to say it? It is very very difficult for me to believe that this is what this guy is doing or has done to me as we've gotten to know each other really really well and he convinced me over the past few months that we have a chance... but actions really speak louder than words or in this case silence does! Totally annoying and makes trust such a massive massive issue

[Whaleoilbeefhookedagain]

Easy for you to say .Katie Price AKA Jordan

[Bunnymumy]

I agree, wasted time in my youth thinking attraction to someone would grow over time so I should just settle for less.

If there's no attraction in the first date or two, move on.

[sunnydayzdownsouth]

With the spark thing I think that if it isn't there by the first or second date it probably won't happen. Of course it is different for everyone.

From my own experience I have been on several dates with two guys (not at the same time) who I got on really well with and had things in common with hoping I would become attracted to them and it didn't happen.

[thenamesarealltaken]

I've not been successful either. But, I am happy with single life, at 51. I do get flirted with and if I tried, I could meet someone for more. I just enjoy life with friends, or just doing my own thing, with my kids or alone. I'm done with all the emotional involvement.
I'm not a fiercely independent type or a man hater, I just find ways to be positive and happy without needing anyone. It's often when I'm in this mindset that men start flirting with me. But each time, I slip into my old ways - accommodating, easy going, doing the running, etc., as I don't mind and my exes, always asked for that, almost pressurise or manipulate me to be that way, but then didn't like it. I don't want to change my nature to be accepted, so I prefer being on my own now. Maybe take time to not think about a relationship. Get yourself happy with yourself,... then you'll be more ready to meet someone decent. If you really want a relationship, I'm.sure with that mindset you'll meet someone.

[YouJustDoYou]

With the spark thing op- I second the pp, to give some of them a bit more time. That famed Disney spark of instant whatever isn't common. And sometimes even when it does happen, it doesn't mean that that person you're feeling for is "the One" etc. Sometimes the deepest relationships are built on that little bud of interest in the person they are, the fact you have things in common etc, rather than instant Disney rose tinted attraction.

[YouJustDoYou]

Change your lifestyle, Trust me ,guys think you are a slapper ,thats why you get no respect .Sorry to be blunt , but its the answer to your question

Fuck. That. Awful. And. Ridiculous. "Advice".

I genuinely laughed out loud when I read that pile of horse shit.

[Bunnymumy]

'A few of hers' haha chance would be a fine thing, be lucky if I've had 3 dates in the last 5 years xD but tbf, you'd be welcome to all of those. ...one turned into a stalker though...best avoid him.

[Whaleoilbeefhookedagain]

Rach , Totally get your situation ,join a club ,new hobby ,get out more ,meet real people ,sounds like you have a nice personality so you will be okay. Maybe Bunnymumy can throw a few of hers your way .

[IslandbreezeNZ]

I think you need to give the 'spark' thing longer. It seems like your dismissing the nice guys a bit too fast and are just going for the the bad boys that you have a spark with - that spark is because they are probably flirty etc and trying to win you. Give the nice guys more of a go as the spark can appear later...

[Bunnymumy]

Sorry but that's nonsense. What centuary did you come from? Was it one where women still used fans to communicate interest or lack there of, across the ballroom? Or the one where fathers traded their daughters to a man for a cow and a couple of sheep? xD

I dunno op, we might only be worth the one sheep each. I had a bottle of beer with a man last year at a barbeque afterall xD

Seriously I'm assuming you are a troll pp but otherwise, you really need to think higher of women. I don't know any man that thinks that way about women, and if I did, I wouldn't care to know them as they are obviously a budding sociopath.

[Rach889]

@Whaleoilbeefhookedagain

Rach and Bunnymumy sorry for offending you ,but you miss my point. You wanted to know why everything turns out wrong for you. Change your lifestyle, Trust me ,guys think you are a slapper ,thats why you get no respect .Sorry to be blunt , but its the answer to your question.

I'm just confused by your answer that's all! Change our lifestyle in what way? I work from home and all of my friends are married. If I didn't go on dates then where am I supposed to meet my man 😂 life isn't a movie, the chances of me bumping into the love of my life on the street or in some random coffee shop are very low

[Whaleoilbeefhookedagain]

Rach and Bunnymumy sorry for offending you ,but you miss my point. You wanted to know why everything turns out wrong for you. Change your lifestyle, Trust me ,guys think you are a slapper ,thats why you get no respect .Sorry to be blunt , but its the answer to your question.

[Rach889]

@Bunnymumy

...how is going on dates 'easy?' Fs. Wasnt aware eating lunch with more than one fella made me a slapper xD

What's the alternative? Talking for weeks and weeks to one online only to meet them and find out theres no spark? No thanks!

Also, it's none if their business how many dates you've been on anyway.

Agreed! What's easy about going out for dinner or drinks with different men?
Also, I'm not exactly gonna sit there on the date and be like 'just to let you know you're the 3rd man I've dated this month' 😂😂

[Bunnymumy]

...how is going on dates 'easy?' Fs. Wasnt aware eating lunch with more than one fella made me a slapper xD

What's the alternative? Talking for weeks and weeks to one online only to meet them and find out theres no spark? No thanks!

Also, it's none if their business how many dates you've been on anyway.

[Whaleoilbeefhookedagain]

Going on lots of dates is a big red flag to a guy, Dont be easy,

[SuspicionAintTheWay]

Yes, I think I did. I don't know what happened to him but I suspect he has ended with nothing.

He didn't make me feel like second best. I didn't know anything other than he didn't seem that interested in me, then something happened to make me very suspicious and he denied everything. This went on for a while.

It was only when I found out that he seemed obsessed with his friend that it blew up.

I don't think that any of them compared me as such, but they had the OW on a pedestal and I was just a nuisance.

[Bunnymumy]

The reason I mention triangulation is they all were talking about how amazing other women were, whilst still in a relationship with you. Which is basically triangulation. I wouldn't be surprised if there was narcissism in the first two too, just not as apparent (i mean autism or not, people know not to talk about how they like other women when they are with their gf).

But yeah, making you feel like second best in comparison to another...typical narcissist. Sounds like you had a lucky escape!

[SuspicionAintTheWay]

@Bunnymumy, The first two were intelligent men, possibly with some degree of autism - one was geeky, the other intellectual. I doubt that they were narcissistic, just weird.

The other one, more recent, seemed The One, a bit of a rough diamond, but after years, I found he was like a Jekyll and Hyde. I'd had a gut feeling at the beginning, but I ignored it, I really shouldn't have.

It was like he was a tweenager with a crush on a popstar.
Ugh!

I strongly suspect narcissistic traits in him.

When things were good, I had only noticed that he couldn't take criticism and would twist it so that it was me with the problem.

It doesn't look like it was triangulation, but there was gaslighting.
Very subtle. Empathetic comments about my mental health (i'm fine), my drink problem was used as an excuse to exclude me from things (i have to be careful as I get drunk easily), then he started to comment about my weight (I'm slim/scraggy - subtle positive comments about my weight gain and eating).

He was very overweight, drank heavily and from what I can gather, the previous relationships and EAs were with anorexic psychopaths.

He had me completely fooled. He was fun, a laugh, he could charm the birds from the trees, he was popular. He turned out to be nasty. In what I believe was partly premeditated, he attacked me.

How can I ever trust my judgement again.

I don't know what was going on, he was wooing this woman, taking her out, telling his friends that I was unstable, psychopathic, and probably more.

I don't even have good memories. My wonderful boyfriend wasn't and I had been second best all along.

[Bunnymumy]

Pp, sounds like narcissistic triangulation.
Maybe you keep attracting narcissists.

[SuspicionAintTheWay]

My last three relationships have ended because of him being 'in love' with someone else. One was a colleague, one was an acquaintance from a hobby (not cycling), the other a female friend who became single.
In each case, having to listen to their syrupy 'She's so pretty she doesn't need make up ' or ' I cried when she brought her boyfriend along ', ' I can't help it ' and more, still makes me feel nauseous.

My judgement must be appalling.

AFAIK none of these were affairs, just crushes/EA.

[Rach889]

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Ok, bear with me but I have some thoughts based on what you have written OP. I want to clarify first that this is NOT blaming you in any way but it is just merely noticing some patterns that you may not be consciously aware of. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour.

So, you say the following:

"The first man that I ever properly loved lead me on for a month"

"The next man was my idea of a perfect boyfriend/fiance/husband and I believed that our relationship was going to last"

"We were seeing each other for some time, and I was expecting things to progress into a relationship"

Do you notice a pattern here?- I do. You jump right into thinking someone is "perfect" and "the one" and that its "love" very very quickly. Your expectations are sky high and then when you actually get to know these men it turns out they're shits and treat you poorly. Their behaviour is all on them and is their responsibility. HOWEVER, you hold some responsibility also because you are expecting WAY too much too soon. You are using words like love and perfect before you have even got to see them in all scenarios. It takes time to get to know someone- you need to see them when theyre tired, and stressed and going through shit to figure out their true character. Anyone can portray themselves as a great person on a few dates but it doesnt mean its the "real them". You invest way too quickly. Matthew Hussey (who I agree is great- watch some youtube videos of him and his dating advice) always says that you ONLY invest in someone to the level they are investing in you.

So, you dont jump ahead and start imagining a relationship with someone before youve got to properly know them. Dont put all your eggs into one basket- date around, date several people casually and dont invest everything in one person because they might not be who you think they are. Slowly, as you get to now them you will see if they are genuine or not but at least you wont have dropped from such a great height because your expectations were low. Keep them low until these men prove to you they can do otherwise and that they DESERVE your investment.

I hope that didnt come across as me blaming you because I'm not and I meant it kindly. I just want you to be able to protect yourself is all. Definitely look at some matthew hussey videos. I dont think its that you are meeting only douche bags, I think it is that you are INVESTING way too quickly in men who just happen to be douche bags and if you just held back and reserved judgement you wouldnt get so hurt.

Thanks for the reply! I agree with some of what you're saying, but I think there's also some things I need to clarify. "The first guy I ever loved" was a complete whirlwind thing, we met at uni and spent every day together, so I ended up growing feelings really fast. Yep that was a mistake and it was a lesson learnt, but I'm sure your first love wasn't the best when you didn't have that life experience!

The next guy I was with seemed 'perfect' after two years of dating him- I didn't decide this when we first met, and it took many months of dating before I fell in love!
I think you're under the impression that I throw my whole feelings into every guy who ever comes my way, but that's not the case- It's actually the opposite. I've been on so many dates and I'm just not interested in them. I've dated around so much that at one point I was actually going o and a different date every week 😂 It takes me time to find a man that I see potential, and when I do I let things progress slowly.

When I do start to like someone I get excited (because it really doesn't happen that often) but don't we all? It's nice to meet someone who ticks all your boxes who seems to like you back.

I appreciate what you're saying and I get that my post comes across as a bit desperate and poor little me but I can assure you that me being too forward isn't the problem I'm having here!

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

Ok, bear with me but I have some thoughts based on what you have written OP. I want to clarify first that this is NOT blaming you in any way but it is just merely noticing some patterns that you may not be consciously aware of. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour.

So, you say the following:


"The first man that I ever properly loved lead me on for a month"

"The next man was my idea of a perfect boyfriend/fiance/husband and I believed that our relationship was going to last"

"We were seeing each other for some time, and I was expecting things to progress into a relationship"

Do you notice a pattern here?- I do. You jump right into thinking someone is "perfect" and "the one" and that its "love" very very quickly. Your expectations are sky high and then when you actually get to know these men it turns out they're shits and treat you poorly. Their behaviour is all on them and is their responsibility. HOWEVER, you hold some responsibility also because you are expecting WAY too much too soon. You are using words like love and perfect before you have even got to see them in all scenarios. It takes time to get to know someone- you need to see them when theyre tired, and stressed and going through shit to figure out their true character. Anyone can portray themselves as a great person on a few dates but it doesnt mean its the "real them". You invest way too quickly. Matthew Hussey (who I agree is great- watch some youtube videos of him and his dating advice) always says that you ONLY invest in someone to the level they are investing in you.

So, you dont jump ahead and start imagining a relationship with someone before youve got to properly know them. Dont put all your eggs into one basket- date around, date several people casually and dont invest everything in one person because they might not be who you think they are. Slowly, as you get to now them you will see if they are genuine or not but at least you wont have dropped from such a great height because your expectations were low. Keep them low until these men prove to you they can do otherwise and that they DESERVE your investment.

I hope that didnt come across as me blaming you because I'm not and I meant it kindly. I just want you to be able to protect yourself is all. Definitely look at some matthew hussey videos. I dont think its that you are meeting only douche bags, I think it is that you are INVESTING way too quickly in men who just happen to be douche bags and if you just held back and reserved judgement you wouldnt get so hurt.

[Naimee87]

Yes you are totally right, i know i am quite picky i'm also guilty of being with guys too long when i know they don't want what i do but i feel i can change their mind. This has never worked and i actually laugh at myself and think what an idiot i was... there is also too much choice now with all the online stuff and the awkwardness of meeting someone for the first time that you 'click' with when writing but in real life your like 'nooo waaay' haha! It's all experiences and how we chose to deal with them. I also don't believe people come into our lives without a purpose whether this be for good or to teach a tough lesson.

[TossaCointoYerWitcher]

@Naimee it might just be she feels she “clicks” with more types of people than most - after all, the OP isn’t short of offers, just ones she wants to pursue!