Caught between my mother and my husband

[Daniel831123]

Just wanting to get some advice on a tricky situation here. I’m living in Singapore at the moment with my husband who is from the UK. My mum had come to visit me here and because of the covid situation, she is not able to fly back to her own house as there isn’t a direct flight. She lives in malaysia and all incoming passenger needs to be quarantine in Kuala Lumpur for 2 weeks before taking connecting flight elsewhere in the country. She is not an avid traveler and she is only a small lady. In view of the recent increase in robbery, mugging etc due to government lockdown and also the risk of catching the infection during travelling, I’ve advised her to stay with us until the situation is less risky to travel. This is coming to 3 months and my husband is getting irk due to this and is pushing for me to send my mum away despite knowing very well my concerns and thoughts. He also pushed for us to have an “open conversation” about when she is likely to leave. Many of the times, I’ve persuaded him to let things go as situation remained unclear at the moment. However, because of the pressure from him, I’ve mentioned to my mum about the fact that I might need to get her a separate abode for the mean time and this has greatly upset her and also makes things sour. I can’t help but thinking that he is selfish and only cares about himself and cannot our up a little sacrifice for me and my mum in view of the pandemic that we are experiencing. How can I ask him to stop being selfish and be a little considerate and instead of feeling uncomfortable with my mum, maybe to try to forge a connection with her? My mum is not even a nasty person. She just have a habit of making passing comment and because of this my husband thinks that he “lives in a prison where he doesn’t have freedom”! Any advice would be appreciated

[Onthemaintrunkline]

Guests and fish begin to stink after 3 days! No help in your situation I know, but it has been 3 months!! I imagine there are untold numbers of people, around the world in a similar situation to yourselves. Your husband probably doesn’t mind your Mum staying with you, but as said before it’s been 3 mths, he just doesn’t need her in his face every single day! I understand suggesting she move into alternative accommodation would have rocked the boat considerably, but you do have to create space between them as soon as you possibly can. Giving you and your husband space as well to be a couple.

[Namenic]

OP - I completely understand you. I think there is a culture clash.

Perhaps your mum can give you a couple of nights where she watches tv in her room and keeps out of the way, so you can have time together? So you can cook western food etc.

I watched some Chinese soap operas with DH and films like my big fat Greek wedding to try and explain how families work differently. He has been v good and accommodating but it took time.

[Lynda07]

I really for you, op. Your post sums up perfectly how little we imperfect human beings can put up with. It's not much fun if you are all on top of each other, I know I would struggle with that.

She is your mum and you can't do much else at the moment unless a suitable 'separate abode' is available.

This situation is not going to last forever nor go on much longer if the media is anything to go by (I know minds are changed every day but the outlook is generally optimistic); stress this to your husband, appeal to his kinder side and encourage your mother to give you as much privacy as is possible. When it is all over and she is back home you will look back on this period as just a short space of time out of a lifetime, there is plenty of opportunity to be free again in the future.

Good luck.

[kayana123]

Exactly as DeeCeeCherry puts it. If you can really absorb that. Of course when it heats up your mom is going to say but I only meant this or that... No way. People/your husband can feel passive-aggressive from genuine inquiry. It is key that you listen, and really understand it. That is the solution. IMHO she stops with the comments & sincerely adds more positive energy to the household, or stays somewhere else if she isn`t going home.

[Sonotech]

Your Dh needs to come back to UK if he can’t stand it any longer.

Your mother actually can’t go anywhere. It’s not safe for her to travel.

I get he is getting frustrated I have this myself of my grandmother but in this circumstances I think he either needs to bite his tongue or come back to U.K. for a bit.

My grandmother broke her back a few years back and she had to live me for three months till she was well enough to go home. It was bloody tough but she was old and needed help. I did speak to her about her running commentary of everything she did but I really don’t think she knew what she was doing and then I could see her worried she might saying something that would piss me off so I wished I’d never mentioned it at all!

If she isn’t being mean or toxic then I think your mother stays

[Winterlife]

I understand your position, OP. I come from a culture where parents often live with their children as well. My MIL came to stay with us for 3 months from abroad. She wasn't intrusive, it was my idea to invite her (not husband's), and they clashed. I stayed out of it. That is what your husband needs to do. He needs to "suck it up" and be respectful to her.

[monkeymonkey2010]

do they have any shared interests or things in common?
do they ever have a conversation with each other or spend any time together without you in the room?

Just that they're both relative strangers to each other and it might help the relationship if they got to know each other as individuals instead of just interacting as the revolving bodies around your central sun.....

[Flower34]

I’d find the comments thing extremely annoying!! My mil is like that, she has an opinion about everything! She likes to police people and comment as soon as there is an opportunity! For example, a few years ago I took up running. After a few weeks, I stopped. No one told her when I started it, But she lives nearby and is always within an inch of our lives!! when my hospital shifts changed unexpectedly, I stopped running. I just couldn’t cope with the night shifts, sleep issues, toddlers etc. That’s it, she started commenting on how I should start running again and I shouldn’t give up etc. I was size 10 then and did yoga and Pilates at home regularly! I didn’t understand what her fcuking problem was! I ignore her most of the time but it really gets to me! She never exercises btw!
The commenting thing is SUPER annoying.

[Poppinjay]

What happened, OP? Did your DM change her behaviour or has she moved out?

[MashedSpud]

You need to make your mother understand you do things differently and it’s your home so she has to accept those differences.

The end.

[Tappering]

TorkTorkBam why? She's not his mother.

[johnd2]

"The concept of filial piety is something extremely hard to convey to him. Which makes it even harder to explain my situation to him"

I said "understand both sides". It seems you think your mum is at the top and your husband has to just understand our tolerate her, not the other way round.
In life, everyone is just trying to get on with life and everyone has a duty to be understanding of each other, whether they are a young child or an aging grandparent.
I suggest you think about how your mum can be more understanding as well as your husband. Otherwise he is going to feel second best.
In my mind partner should come first, but at least should be afforded some respect.

[xxxemzyxxx]

I understand your concern about your mother, however you cannot disregard your DH’s feelings either. 3 months is a long time to live with an in law.

I have lived with my MIL for 4 months before while we were moving house and no matter how much I generally like her, she also had a habit of passing comments. Over time this becomes very grating and upsetting, even if she didn’t mean it to come across that way. You don’t feel you can be yourself. In this instance I was in her house so I didn’t say anything and just dealt with it, but if it was in my own home I probably wouldn’t have tolerated these comments.

As others have said, she is a guest in your home, she needs to be respectful, no one should be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home. If she stops making these comments your DP may be more tolerant.

[FrippEnos]

TorkTorkBam

But that is just passing the buck and not even trying to solve the issue.
Saying that the DM is "just the way she is" is ignoring the issue. If the DM wants to be part of the OP's and DH's lives she need to reign in the comments.

making it his job to find her a route home and then be the dutiful son-in-law escorting her safely home, seems like the happiest solution for all

Nope, that is just throwing him to the lion, and why would he be even remotely happy with having to escort her home whilst still listening to her comments.

[TorkTorkBam]

@FrippEnos Surely it doesn't need sides taking? That won't help much. The DM is the way she is, which is fine for short visits but not for living together. The DM needs to be at her own home and that's what they would all prefer. Fear of muggers if she travels alone seems to be the main obstacle so a fit young companion is needed. If OP is the main earner then the obvious choice is for DH to be the escort. Given he is suffering by her presence, making it his job to find her a route home and then be the dutiful son-in-law escorting her safely home, seems like the happiest solution for all.

[Windmillwhirl]

Those comments would be grating after a day let alone 3 months. Your mother needs to learn to zip it. He is not a child that needs her running commentary.

I really feel for him.

[FrippEnos]

Aquamarine1029

I find it quite telling that her DF can't be bothered to sort something oput for his DW.

Lets face it 3 months of not having to deal with "comments" is probably heaven.

[FrippEnos]

TorkTorkBam
You are the main breadwinner? OK get DH to escort her home. Task him with finding a means of transport. Set him to it. Plane, train, bus are all options iirc.

Or maybe the OP could take her DH's side and sort out her DM?
That would be the prevailing point made it the roles were switched.

[Poppinjay]

You need to tell your mother very clearly that she needs to stop commenting on things, as it comes across as criticism. If she wants to stay with you, she needs to adapt her behaviour to fit in with your family unit.

I can see why you don't want your mother to be put in a dangerous situation but, at the same time, she is guest in your and your husband's home and needs to make sure that her presence is not causing unnecessary stress to either of you. Whether the stress is intentional or not is irrelevant.

Do you have time with your DH without her? Could you make some time to be together, just the two of you, so he can see that he is still important to you?

[billy1966]

OP,

You are excusing your mother's remarks.

Your husband doesn't like them.

I think you need to accept that however pleasant you find your mother, your husband finds her little niggly PA comments annoying.

You can stick to feeling right or you can help things by spelling it out to your mother to stop.

I would not put up with my MIL making digs at me in MY home.

If you want to throw your marriage under a bus so your mother can freely make her digs at your husband.

Go ahead.

Don't be surprised if your husband has enough though.

[saraclara]

Your father can surely fund her stay in KL. I know the city well and I think you're very much overestimating any risk to her there. Compared to any city in the UK it is very safe. The flight is a short one, and both countries have the virus well under control, so I wouldn't be worried about the journey for her.

Three months is a very long time to have a MIL staying. I can understand his frustration

[Aquamarine1029]

Why isn't your father sorting out how to get your mother home? This is his wife, after all. Why is this solely your problem? Call your father and tell him to make arrangements right now.

[TorkTorkBam]

You are the main breadwinner? OK get DH to escort her home. Task him with finding a means of transport. Set him to it. Plane, train, bus are all options iirc.

[Mabelface]

You do realise that your mother chose to have children and be a stay at home parent? Children do not owe their parents for being raised. You don't owe your mother for the sacrifices she chose to make. Your husband is a bloody Saint having her there for 3 months.

[DeeCeeCherry]

I’ve mentioned it to her about her comment but to be honest, instead of a nasty comment, she was just being surprised and also finding it fresh that we are doing things different to what she is used to and hence those comments

You're not listening.

Your Husband, who you've already said is a reasonable person and didn't dislike your Mother, has told you her comments upset him.

Listen to him, stop defending your Mother, and tell her to stop it. You are married, not a little girl living with mummy anymore so support your Husband. It's his home too, not just yours and if he doesn't want a commentator pointing out 'differences' then that's his right. Nobody likes someone in their home with too much to say about what they see