I love my OH, I love the bones of him, but I am almost certain I should walk away...
Together six years, me 43 and him 50. I have a child from a previous marriage, he has no children, no previous marriage(s). We bought a house together (joint mortgage) almost three years ago. We split all bills 50:50.
We get along brilliantly, he is kind, caring, funny, warm, trustworthy, honest, decent and brilliant with my child. But, whilst he is so good at offering advice, comforting others and being very pragmatic and the voice of reason, our relationship is in big trouble. And it’s all because I’d like us to get married.
In the past he has said he wants to get married too, but in the past couple of years he’s told me repeatedly that we don’t feel ‘close enough’ and it’s just doesn’t feel right’. He has form for this, he once wanted a baby but then changed his mind.
As a result my self-esteem and self-worth is rock bottom, I am an emotional wreck... it’s all come to a head this weekend because, having gotten on amazingly throughout lockdown (together 24/7), I thought I’d raise the ‘m’ word to see if he felt that we’re closer and if the relationship feels right to him. Apparently, it’s better but not quite 100% for him. I’d like to add that the only thing we argue about is marriage.
I worry about our financial future, how I have no more rights than a flat mate, that in old age the inheritance tax bill will be huge and one of us will be forced to sell to settle the debt with HMRC... these thoughts and worries have consumed me.
I feel that what should be an exciting, happy, amazing conversation is blighted with negativity and whenever I raise it, I come away in tears, feel utterly bereft and heartbroken.
We have spoken a lot over the past 24 hours, I have told him that I think we should separate (I feel an overwhelming need to protect my child and get ‘me’ back into a happier place physically and mentally), he has asked for time to think and has come back with a suggestion that we set a provisional date (Sept 2021) for a small registry office wedding, but not tell a soul. Then we sit down every Friday night to chat through whether he feels closer to me, whether he feels like the relationship is on track. This sounds like an appraisal process to me with weekly reviews and I have told him no, that does not sound right at all. Worryingly, when I ask him what he thinks is needed to make it feel ‘right’, he can’t tell me.
So, I’m writing lists of things that need to happen to separate, my head hurts, my heart aches but I can’t live like this, to constantly feel like I’m not good enough to marry but good enough to share the bills with and be intimate with.
I’d like to know what you would do? I’ve tried not to drip feed, please be kind 
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Relationships
Six years and it’s time to part, I think...
takemebackto2014 · 24/05/2020 16:28
Oh you poor thing. You’re right to reject his offer to keep you dangling while he appraised your suitability as a wife. What a cruel approach.
As hard as it is now, he’s shown you that he doesn’t have faith in your future.
You don’t have to rip off the band aid right now, but you need to emotionally detach from him and start planning to separate when it feels right for you. 
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