Affair depression and limerance

[Depressedandconfused]

I need help please esp if any counsellors are reading this.

I don’t know if this is depression, limerance or something else but I had a long term affair that went on for 4 years that I told DH about 5 years ago. We have been trying to work on our marriage since but nothing has gotten better at all. DH brings it up all the time and questions where I am all the time etc and fights all the time about it. I’m always sorry and do whatever he wants to prove myself to him and I’ve been totally NC with AP for 5 years.

I don’t know if relevant but AP suffered from depression. AP’s wife also knew as we told spouses at the same time so that we could be together . His wife made it impossible for him to access his DC and made his life horrible after he moved out . He moved back to the family home

DH absolutely screwed me over financially and begged me to reconsider for our DCs. He also was sure he could forgive and that I had temporarily lost my mind. I didn’t think I had depression but over the last 5 years I don’t know if I have developed it or not. I think I have tho as I have anxiety, can’t sleep, moods unpredictable, cry all the time, nothing makes me feel anything except empty.

I am totally obsessed with AP and what he is doing every second of the day. My emotional state is a mess and has been for 5 years. I miss him literally all the time and day and night I am thinking about him.

I bumped into him last week after 5 years. And he told me nothing has changed for him either and that he loves me as much now as he did 5 years ago. We have gone full NC for 5 years and have both been so unhappy. AP said he is completely obsessed with me to and that he can’t get over us at all. He asked me to think about leaving now and that he is desperate to leave and to be happy together.

My question is whether this obsession from both of us can still possibly be love or whether it’s depression or limerance all made worse by lockdown and being stuck with spouses who haven’t forgiven and are making our lives as punishing as possible.

Marriages don’t recover after this amount of time do they? If no recovery in 3-5 years it’s not going to happen is it?

The fact we both feel exactly the same about each other, does that mean something or is this limerance and depression coming into play?

Please help.

[PixelatedLunchbox]

OP your OH might welcome a split at this point, but you must NOT make it about the AP - and what AP does must be entirely independent of what you do. You are leaving because you are unhappy and have been for five years. Period.

Your OH did not deserve the affair, and he will never 100% trust you again. It's very sad for both of you, but it's reality. You can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again after trust is broken. There will ALWAYS be that quiet little voice speaking in his ear, no matter how much he wants or tries to trust you.

Some couples do okay repairing the marriage after infidelity, and moulding into a new and different relationship. You and your OH have not been able to do that. As others have said, do not leave for the AP. Leave for yourself.

[wildcherries]

I am totally obsessed with AP and what he is doing every second of the day. My emotional state is a mess and has been for 5 years.

So unhealthy. AP won't be able to fix this for you, even if you could be with him. Get some therapy for your own sake. And leave the marriage. Staying there isn't helping any of you - not you, your husband or your children.

[donnatellme]

Kind of agree Dillon
BUT
5 years? That's rather extreme. If they've really been no contact all that time, that seems strange. What is fuelling her feelings? Out of sight out of mind is usually foolproof. Her deep unhappiness with DH and "love of a lifetime" with her lover seem to have clouded her views. She may not really love this guy at all, just needs an escape from a miserable marriage.

[DillonPanthersTexas]

I have only ever read about limerance on here. Never heard it mentioned elsewhere. Always struck me as a bit of a weasily word to absolve oneself of responsibility for a raft of unacceptable behaviours.

[MaeDanvers]

Ok but you didn’t want to leave and move in with AP with your kids - could you do it now? Because that still seems like a bad option. I think you need a way to leave and not move straight in with him - if for nothing else to avoid the situation that happened last time. I don’t approve of affairs but it sounds like you both need to leave your marriages. You need to find a way you can both do that, give it some time and then date if you still want to.

Because what happens if you do decide to move your kids in with this man who you’ve barely seen for half a decade and it doesn’t work? How will you manage then?

You seem to think your only options are living with one of two men but I think you need to think outside of that. It is scary but there’s countless stories on here of people who did just that and were way happier for it.

At the moment your whole life seems to revolve around the man you are married to and the man you want to be with. Why not try to switch the focus to yourself (and kids of course)?

[donnatellme]

I can't imagine what a miserable life you must have! What utter torture.

You only have one option, separate from DH, seek counselling and try re-build your life alone.

If it is meant to be with your ex- affair partner, it will happen.

[ravenmum]

The fact we both feel exactly the same about each other, does that mean something
It means that you broke up because it was more practical, rather than out of conviction. It means that you put the affair on ice rather than ending it. It means that you are still in the same position as during the affair, of the other person being the exciting, dreamlike alternative.
It is not a magic symbol that fate is on your side and you are destined for one another.

the the only reason I would put myself through divorce and ending up with absolutely nothing would be for him
How would you end up with nothing? That is not normally the case in a divorce.
If you leave and go straight to OM, you'll be setting yourself up to be the bad guy, with your dh the poor innocent whose wife has buggered off twice to be with this man. He will likely claim that you have continued the affair all this time, and will potentially vilify you in front of the kids. If you wanted to avoid this, you would be well advised to very visibly get your own place, have the kids and family round to see that you are living there alone, and if you must get together with OM then do it openly, after a decent time. Having your own place would also make things less risky at that point - you and OM could gradually work up to a relationship, but you would not be forced to be together because you have put all your eggs in one basket.

The alternative - moving straight out and in with OM - is not impossible. It could work out. But there's no guarantee, whatever your tea leaves or your horoscope or whether you both coincidentally still fancy one another.

[Dollyrocket]

Your husband cannot just cut off your access to a bank account and finances, that’s financial abuse.

What is your work situation OP? Do you earn? How old are the children? Is the home in joint names? Does your husband work?

It would be very irresponsible to just leave and move in with AP after 5 years of no contact.

You need to establish yourself in the real world away from husband and take things slow with AP who may just not leave, or end up going back or it might not work out.

If you’re too scared to be single - you need to get to the bottom of your issues before just jumping into another relationship with someone you’ve only snuck around with before as that was a fantasy and this is reality.

[hellsbellsmelons]

The easier option was just to stay as we were and to go NC and rebuild everything we had broken
And... 5 years on, how is that working out for you?
Your life sounds miserable.
I totally understand why your DH doesn't trust you etc....
When my ExH cheated and I said I would try, I knew within a day that it would never be the same again. I would never trust him properly.
I really didn't want us both to be miserable together, so I ended it.
That is what your DH should have done.
He can't move past this.
He hasn't forgiven or forgotten.
It's thrown at you constantly.
That is no way to live!
You need to end your marriage.
You need to be on your own for a while.
Remember who you were. Find yourself again.
But free yourself for the horrible daily life you currently lead!

[Userhid77]

"I am totally obsessed with AP and what he is doing every second of the day. My emotional state is a mess and has been for 5 years."

No wonder your DH brings it up all the time and questions where you are all the time etc and fights all the time about it. You can not be trusted!

What did you actively do to save your marriage during those 5 years? No contact and sobbing in the couch is not the same as focusing on the marriage...

[MiddlesexGirl]

How old are his children now? Will he be able to leave and still get access?

[Fairenuff]

He's not going to leave his wife that much is clear.

[user1481840227]

Everyone keeps saying I should leave for me and I know I shouldbut I wouldn’t do it. I haven’t been single for 22 years and it’s not like I want to be with anyone else. I’m completely obsessed with and love AP that the the only reason I would put myself through divorce and ending up with absolutely nothing would be for him.

You feel like this now but you're stuck at the moment.
You're stuck in an unhappy marriage that cannot be fixed.
You're also stuck with what ifs about the AP.
If you leave now then maybe you will end up with the AP, maybe you won't end up with him because he won't leave his wife...in that case that will be the start of getting closure on that chapter and then starting to heal.
You will get a chance at happiness if you leave.
You have no chance of happiness if you stay.

[Viviennemary]

You only live once. Your marriage sounds past saving. I'd give it a go with the other man if he says he feels the same about you. But don't let him string you along with promises.

[DarkUnicorn]

It’s sounds like you might be chasing a fantasy, if you were determined to be together you would have been 5 years ago, instead AP went back to his wife.

It’s likely if you did, you might find the reality is very different, once the humdrum of life sets in you’ll have the same problems if not more further down the line. Have seen affairs implode many times, one of my friends left her husband, had a baby with the affair, cracks started to show when she was pregnant, after the charm wore off he ended up abusive, he kicked my friend and their child out of his house leaving them homeless.

Dare say it would be kinder to his wife and your husband to find people that truly care for them and love them. With children involved it’s awful all round. Is there no way you could work on your marriage? Could you imagine your husband with someone new?

If you’re not happy with your husband then leave and find yourself but you can’t expect him to leave his family home and children when he’s not the one that has defaulted on your marriage. Are you more financially independent now? It’s not fair to use him as a cash cow.

[SusieOwl4]

I think it’s quite selfish that you won’t leave unless you can be with AP.

You don’t love your husband . You are both miserable .

You have to leave and face the fact you might be single, why should your husband be second best for the rest of his life?

[MLouise84]

Just to be clear, I'm not saying she shouldn't get what's rightfully hers as in property/savings etc....off course she should and she can take him to court if he refuses to cooperate. But until it's sorted legally, she can't expect him to move out of the family home and she can't expect financial support from him if he's providing for his kids.....just because she doesn't love him anymore. That's not his fault.

[MLouise84]

@Qwerty543 it's wrong to try and cohere someone to stay when they don't want to, but is it wrong to cut off finances? Why couldn't she get job? I don't think you can expect to be financially supported by the person you're cheating on. If I found out my partner was cheating on me, I wouldn't continue to share finances with him.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

OP, I'm not sure if it's limerance or not but you and AP are certainly in some sort of limbo. Neither of you are in authentic relationships, you're living half-lives and so are both of your spouses. You tried, he tried but attempting to put somebody behind you and re-commit to your marriage (for both of you) can only work if it's something that you both wanted to do. Your heart wasn't in it and he returned home under duress. There's nothing to be gained now from keeping to the status quo and it's probably time now to really think about what you will do.

I agree with the posters who suggest for you to spend some time by yourself and let AP do the same - if you and he are destined to be a couple then both of you have to come to terms with ending your marriages and getting to a place of peace with that. Then, if it's right for you both you can look at being together.

There's no guarantees it will work but, there isn't for any couple in any relationship. You know that what you have now isn't working for you or your husband and that's no way for either of you to live. I would though, spend this time not mooning about AP but actually working with your husband to civilly bring the marriage to an end - and do that with respect and kindness.

I hope it works out for you. I think that many people will realise during lockdown that the person they are locked down with isn't the person they want to continue to be with. Life is too short to be tethered unhappily - or to tether somebody else who doesn't want to be.

======

Devlesko would you speak that way to somebody in RL? Vile and bitter post to somebody seeking support on this board.

[MLouise84]

Your marriage is over if you're still thinking about your AP after 5 years. You might as well give it a go with AP. Maybe you will be happy then, and your husband can find some one that loves him and is faithful to him. Win win.

[Qwerty543]

You sound very unhappy OP and it's clearly love if your feelings are still there after all this time.

Yes, affair may have been wrong but your H was very wrong to cut off finances and tell you he wanted to work on it. Clearly that was just said to keep you there.

Leave and be with the OM. No one is happy in this scenario and children pick up on bad atmospheres at home. OM's wife cannot indefinitely keep him away from his children. He can take her to court for access.

[Peggysgettingcrazy]

So you 'bumped' into the AP, after 5 years, and didn't just acknowledge each other, you poured your hearts out to eachother? During a pandemic, when you are meant to limiting your time with people from other households?

Ok, then.

Sorry, op. He went back to his wife, because thats what he wanted. You stayed with your dh even though you don't love him. It has disater all over it.

What you are doing to your husband is really wrong. You dont want him, but its better than being alone?

[Fairenuff]

Ok so you won't leave. What is it you want from posters then?

[NoMoreDickheads]

If it were me I would be pissed off that he went back to his wife. Yes things would've been hard with the kids, money etc at first, but that would've been sorted out in time.

You could get your own place, and also please get treatment for your mental health- meds and/or counselling.

[Craftycorvid]

You have obviously invested a huge amount in this relationship, OP. I’m wondering what your marriage was like five years ago when this man came into your life? You seem to be seeing your options as either/or, which is not the case (though may feel like it). I do feel some counselling would help you unpack some of your feelings; many therapists are doing phone or on-line work at the moment if you have somewhere private to talk?