I don't think my husband loves me

[IchangedMyName30]

Just that really. We have a good relationship I would say, parent our 3 year DS together well but I just don't think he loves me. I think he needs me and probably likes me but I don't think loves me. Here's a few reasons why I think he might not:


I suffer from migraines quite bad. Not all the time but it's a bit of a pain. He doesn't really sympathise to be honest. He doesn't say "are you ok?", or "don't worry, it will get better". He isn't an arse about it at all but he doesn't show concern.

This morning I was in our bedroom putting clothes away and he was at the top of the stairs putting his socks on and I said did you dust the TV when you dusted, it looks really dusty. I didn't say it in a nagging way or anything. I caught a glimpse of him sat on the stairs and he pulled this face that was full of resentment, that's the only way I can describe it and it broke my heart to be honest, I know that's sad but the facial expression is etched in my mind.

He doesn't really seem to get excited about spending time with me. He played darts tonight over video call with one of his friends after we put our DS to bed and I sat and watched TV. Once he finished, he came into the living room and I was like did you enjoy it? Did you have fun? All smiles and he was like yeah, picked up his book and started reading it then said he was going to bed. I don't really encourage us sitting and chatting but I was making the effort and felt rejected.

I jokingly said the other day that my hair looked like a scarecrow and he laughed and said yeah when your hair has been tied up, you get this kink in your hair that reminds me of a horse? I just sort of laughed it off but it hurt a bit. He's never said anything like that before so it feels a bit like he's noticing my flaws now if that makes sense?

It's my birthday soon and he asked me to send him photos of what I wanted. I kept forgetting and he kept saying send me the photos so it's more like he's made it a duty rather than something nice.

We both work. I'm furloughed and he's on reduced hours and working from home. I do about 70% of the house work and all the cooking so it's not like I'm lazy and a crap wife and he's grown to resent me for it.

We laugh a lot together about our DS, he's a funny kid. Apart from that though, I can't say I can remember when he last asked me how I was or what I'm up to or anything. I do ask him but not all the time.

When we got together 9 years a go (married for 6), he was more into me I think than I was him but that was only at the very start. I love him and care about him deeply. I'm one of those types of partners that leaves him to his own devices, I don't bother him on nights out (he doesn't go out much and obviously not at all lately) he does his football etc and I'm more than fine with that and show a bit of interest but something has made him resent me I think and I don't know what.

It's really that face he pulled that has got me feeling like this at the moment.

Definitely no cheating going on. He hardly ever has his phone on him, his iPad is always left out for our DS to use and me if I need and before lockdown he would go to the football with his dad, take our DS out to meet his dad for lunch and very rarely have a night out with his best friend and always return home around 11pm!

Am I overthinking this? Am I maybe reading too much into a couple of isolated incidents? Any advice would be appreciated thanks

[Bleepbloopblarp]

Excellent post picsinred

Yes, the “oh, just put on your high heels and flirt with him”! Comments annoy me too. Why the fuck should she do that to get him to pull his weight?
OP, I think you need to spell it out to him in no uncertain terms that you really don’t appreciate him muttering “fuck off” under his breath and pulling faces. Share out the housework tasks and stick to your own. If he doesn’t do his bit fine - but don’t you do it either. And don’t wash his clothes/cook for him etc until he realises you won’t kill yourself running round after him if he can’t even be bothered running a duster around.

For what it’s worth my dh does hardly anything domestic wise but he runs his own business and works long hours and I’m a sahm so don’t mind so much. He does have a few jobs he does around the house and if he slacks off I let him know about it.

Enough of all this not wanting to upset your dh in case it drives him to have an affair - if he’s going to do that he’ll do it anyway.
Get a bit tougher I say.

[dontdisturbmenow]

Too be very honest, you do come across to me as quite hard work.

It's ok for you to make an unpleasant comment about his dusting, because however you said it, it was a criticism for him not having done it properly, but then you get cross because of his comment about your hair when you yourself joked about it in the first place.

The thing about the migraine is it's hard to sympathise with someone who complains of the same thing all the time and is always looking for sympathy especially when it is something you don't have experience of yourself. I felt the same when I started with the menopause, felt frustrated that oh didn't show me sympathy over it when it made me feel horrendous but then I realise that I suffer from symptoms that don't really mean much to him. I also realised that he took suffers from disabilitating ailments but he doesn't talk much about them because he isn't looking for sympathy, he just accepts them and live with them.

The exemple of the dust, if that happened in my home, I would just have gone ahead and dusted the TV when he wasn't 8n the room, job done. Issue closed.

The hair, don't joke about yourself if you then get hurt by him doing the same. The sympathy, don't expect it. Just tell him how it makes you feel and it bring it up when it is really bad. Then he clear and say you feel rubbish and a hug would really make you feel better.

Of course there likely more to it so I my going by what you wrote in your first post.

[firstimemamma]

I agree with the first post u had op.

[Bleepbloopblarp]

Just read the post about your ds - that must be hard. Still no excuse for your dh to show you such contempt though.

Sounds like you’re both very tired and stuck in a rut. Is he bothered about the lack of sex? Imo not having sex is usually a bit of a death knell for a relationship unless you actually want to stay together and start making the effort. You can’t really use having a 3yo and being overweight as an excuse. Dh and I have 4 dc’s and I’ve certainly been a size 14/16 before now but we’ve always had a good sex life. We never let it go longer than a couple of weeks or so. I think being intimate is extremely important to feel connected to your partner. Can you talk about it with him?

Also having your ds in your bed is something that needs to stop but in the meantime could you make time together when he’s napping?

[catsandlavender]

@dontdisturbmenow so it’s ok for him to mutter “fuck off” and pull faces when he gets asked to do something around the house but... not ok for OP to complain about migraines?

[Shoxfordian]

It sounds like he doesn't respect you or even like you very much to me.

[YappityYapYap]

I don't really need the comments about being hard work because I asked if a TV had been dusted and I'm hard work because I didn't like being compared to a horse. Hard work is harsh. I know what I need to do now.





Thanks everyone else though, good advice and constructive criticism. I'm definitely not perfect and I am making excuses for some things so I agree with PP that said having DS and being a size 16 isn't an excuse, I need to hear that because I do make excuses. I will never settle for being told to fuck off muttered under the breath of my husband who has simply been asked if he did or didn't do something while I'm busy doing something else and don't have the time or nerve to go checking what he has done! I do also need to make more effort in the intimate sense but over all, I believe this is his issue and this is causing issues in other areas also.




No I don't go around sorting cushions and need to live in absolute immaculate-ness. I was just replying to PP that said she sorts cushions and things and doesn't see the point in saying her husband never done it. I will do the same, if something is annoying me but isn't something that really needs done (like sorting cushions), I will do that and not ask him or moan that he never. If he tidies a room and it's not quite how I would do it, I wouldn't say anything and be quite happy. If there's something annoying me though I would sort it and not say anything. I usually just accept his efforts though, I'm not overly fussed, as long as it's clean. Leaving a layer of dust on the TV though isn't his efforts, he didn't even do it

[Bluntness100]

To be fair here if I’d been cleaning and then my husband said to me did you do the tv, I’d probably have rolled my eyes and thought oh fuck off too. Many people would. Not many want to have their work checked up on.

Past that though it seems you’ve become more parents than partners now. So it’s not about did he dust the tv or whether you should mention it. It’s about how you get that spark back

[Bluntness100]

Op, I’ve just read your latest post, seems you’re clear the issue is him not you.

Not sure where you go from here then, but it’s unlikely any where good.

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

Oh op, you sound so sad. And you don't sound like hard work to me at all.

I might have missed this, your posts are for some reason not highlighted throughout the thread for me so sorry if you have said already, but have you raised this with him? Not in an accusatory way, a very simple "I feel like our marriage is really going off track, I love you very much, I want us both to be happy and it doesnt feel to me like we are right now, what do you think?" way.

[YappityYapYap]

I can accept eye rolling, not an issue. This wasn't an eye roll. It was a full blown face pull and mimicking me behind my back and it's not the first time. Would anyone like this? I don't want him showing our DS this is ok and then they're both doing it to me and I feel disrespected in my own house. I wouldn't do it to him. If he asks me if I've done something, I answer. He does ask me if I've done things too, it's pretty normal to ask each other if things were done. I thought it was better to ask if he did it rather than just come out and say he didn't do it and have a go at him. He could have done it and it was dusty again. He didn't even answer me, just ignored me and I saw through the open door that he pulled the face and started muttering and mouthing something and it seemed to be with such contempt. Really crappy when I had just hung up then folded all his washing, made him breakfast, asked about his work and told him to take it easy as I'd gotten new migraine tablets so felt good and wanted to blast through the chores while he had a rest (from not dusting the bedroom) 🙂. Even when I have a full blown migraine, I still do everything! Cook, tidy etc. The day before the face pull, I had an intense migraine and was about to dust upstairs because our cat came down all dusty from our bedroom so I figured it must be dusty up there and he said do you want me to do it? I said yes if you could, I'll take it easy and go and potter about the kitchen with the blind closed (the light is hard to handle with a migraine and you can't dust in the dark!). So when I seen that it probably hadn't been done, I asked. That is all

[YappityYapYap]

Yes I did that last night. I got upset and he was really apologetic. He made me coffee this morning and asked if I was ok. He's been really nice to me today but I did say to him that I don't want him being all extra nice because I've been upset, I just want the face pulling and mimicking to stop because it upsets me. He tried to explain why he does it but I don't think he really knows himself. He said when he was younger, there was no brothers and sisters to moan to (only child) so he got into this habit of silently venting whenever he was asked to do things or got told off and that must be face pulling and muttering and that he doesn't even realise he's doing it.





I asked if I nag and he said no, I ask a handful of times a month maybe if he's done something and he usually hasn't so he resorts to his tactics of face pulling and stuff because he see's it as 'being told to do something' and it's a way to vent without confrontation. I said I'm just asking like you'd ask if I've posted your forms away or put extra chilli in your food! He said he knows, it's a bad habit and he'll stop.





He asked if I would hold his hand more and give him more affection if he stops it. I said yes, I know I am bad for forgetting that he will need affection from me. We agreed that we will chat about this again in a couple of weeks and see if both of us have managed to keep our end of the deal

[PicsInRed]

He's been really nice to me today

He sensed the "temperature" change and realised that you are on the verge of refusing to accept his behaviour - the rapid turnaround proves that he is conscious of the behaviour and its effect on you and is completely in control of it. He consciously chooses to behave this way towards you.

He asked if I would hold his hand more and give him more affection if he stops it

So he

1. Gas lights you that it's your fault, making you responsible for his own behaviour and
2. Reveals that he has been quite consciously using these tactics to covertly punish you for "failing" to pay him enough attention whilst he pointedly refuses to pay you any attention.

[NoHardSell]

Thank you, PicsInRed for that concise summary. I hope you can see, op, that PicsInRed is spot on with that analysis. None of it sounds good. He has you in 'mummy' role and he is playing sulky teen. I would seriously recommend counselling once lockdown lifts, if you want to break this pattern
My ex had a series of affairs later on, as ways to 'punish' and 'get one over' on me. He was really childish. Life is so much better single. Just saying. ;)

[ElspethFlashman]

Sounds like the two of you have gotten into a bad old rut.

I suspected it was a platonic situation tbh. It all sounded so remote.

Its very very hard with your DS. I have a lot of sympathy as after 3.5 years you are both worn out and touched out.

He has started to see you as a Mum telling him off. And you have started to see him as a child, pulling faces around the corner.

[billy1966]

OP, @PicsInRed

Has nailed it.

He doesn't sound nice. At all.

The muttering F off, is so nasty and disrespectful.

It has no place in a healthy relationship.

You clearly are doing far too much in the relationship.

Your gut is screaming something is off.

Your gut is right. Re-read @Pics .....she has layed out very well who a d what he is.

Protect yourself.

Tolerance of awful behaviour in a relationship is being on a road to nowhere.

[YappityYapYap]

I do think PicsInRed has some good points but he didn't actually know I was upset until last night when I brought it up. He didn't notice that I had seen him pull the face and mimick me and he didn't deny that he'd done it yesterday or anytime in the past. He said he is aware he must do it but he doesn't do it out of contempt, just bad habit, he doesn't do it because he has an underlying disrespect for me, he said he does it with everyone and he doesn't really know how he got into doing it other than he used to do it a lot when he was younger to his mum and dad because there was no one to moan to vocally.





He's quite a simple man so any long winded explanation wasn't going to be given. I told him to stop being overly nice and just deal with this issue because I don't like it and he should be honest if he feels I'm nagging or annoying him. He said I don't annoy him at all and he doesn't feel nagged, he just seems to react to anyone 'picking him up' on something by doing that.




We got onto the subject of holding hands etc because I said 'and you wonder why I'm not so keen to be affectionate when I'm getting faces pulled at me and mocked behind my back' and after some other words, he said 'is that why you are not affectionate with me as much?' And I said yes. He then said 'so if I stopped doing it, you would hold my hand and cuddle me again?', I said yes

[YappityYapYap]

But yes, PicInRed, he does do it consciously so there needs to be some ill feeling there for him to do it. He says no, he does it and it's become a bad habit, he doesn't do it because he disrespects people but I've never noticed it before really, only this past 6 months or so, so there must be an undertone of him doing it to people that start to grate on him a bit

[VerityB1]

Sounds like you've been super woman and done everything in organising family life but not given time and fun for yourself. And your partner has taken a lead in this aspect, just swept along in family life.

Is it poss to have date nights from time to time? When all this is over can you have weekend getaways and special time together?

[billy1966]

Well done for discussing it calmly.

Hopefully having done that, you will see an improvement in things.

You are doing too much.

Such a onesided division of labour is not good idea.

Best of luck OP.

[catsandlavender]

The thing is it doesn’t matter if he didn’t realise you knew he was doing it, to me it just shows a massive lack of respect. We all do a silent eye roll occasionally but every time you ask him to do something, ugh what a child. No offence OP he just sounds like a dickhead

[Guineapigbridge]

There's nothing here that a good shag wouldn't fix.

[Eloi2020]

He sounds lazy, selfish, contemptuous and disinterested. Only you can say if you're willing to put up with that. Good luck.

[IchangedMyName30]

His auntie has died suddenly today, 62 years old, tested positive for coronavirus a few weeks back. I'll put this on the back burner for now for sure. He is still apologetic despite this news. It's a shock to everyone. Using the main site and not the app so my name has changed again. Thanks all

[firstimemamma]

Sorry for your loss op