I’ve ended my relationship, now doubting myself

[Marbling]

Hello, I don’t know if this is normal or just that I find it incredibly hard to end even shit relationships, but I ended things with my DP last night and now I don’t feel sure.

We’d been together two and a half years since my dd was one. She doesn’t have contact with her dad (His choice) so dp was the only father figure she’s ever known and they are so close. They really love each other and he is amazing with her.

We only moved in with him a few months ago - I let out my flat which I own and moved into his house which he owns.

He’s a good man, honest and principled and not the sort to ever lie or cheat (as much as you can ever know about someone of course) and he has done so much for us in practical/financial terms. For example he refuses to accept any money from me for anything, allowing me to pay off my credit card in really big chunks with my wages.

The main problem is his complete inability to handle stress and his bad temper. He flips out and has a huge go at me at times when I don’t really deserve it, due to him being stressed by other things. I believe he is suffering from depression and would benefit from treatment for that and also counselling for things in his past which I believe affect him now (severe bullying at school). He’s in his mid forties so I think if he was going to figure this out without help he would have done that by now, but he refuses to get help.

As I said, he is a kind person and is always thinking of things to make me and my dd happy but then he’ll flip at something and I feel like that undoes the good he does. He doesn’t see it that way and thinks I’m ungrateful for being unhappy with his moods and temper when he does so much for us.

I’m obviously not perfect but I can honestly say I don’t berate him the way he does me at times.

More minor things that I’m unhappy with are the fact that he is a very messy person so I spend a lot of time cleaning and tidying as he only does so occasionally. He is just happier with a higher level of mess than me, and that won’t change.

Sex is also not great and very infrequent. If everything else was good in the relationship that wouldn’t bother me as much though.

Yesterday I was feeling very down due to the covid situation, not being able to see my friends and family and not getting a proper break from childcare (like many of us, of course). I was withdrawn and probably obviously feeling shit but I didn’t inflict it on him directly in any way by being snappy or anything like that. He was being nice to me all day but then it seemed as though he got frustrated with my not seeming happy and just went crazy at me, shouting repeatedly that I had been ‘rude’ all day (I really hadn’t) and that I was a disgrace. That he had been trying to make me happy all day and it nothing he did was working (I’m detailing this because it’s quite typical and was also the final straw for me).

So I ended things and will be giving my tenants 2 months notice to leave (which I also feel terrible about but I have nowhere else to go, obviously can’t stay with my parents at the moment).

I’m not money-oriented but I was struggling a lot as a single parent before and he is quite financially comfortable so part of me is thinking that I’m crazy to go back to that if only for my DD’s sake. I also feel terrible about leaving the only dad she’s ever known.

I feel so mixed up. Do you think I’m doing the right thing? I so wish I could speak to someone in person right now

[Marbling]

Oh thank you all so much, you’re really helping me. I’m sorry to hear of your similar experiences

[Wanderlust21]

Fs 'bullying at school' LOL. He's 40! I was bullied relentlessly at school but how in the hell would that be an excuse to be a cunt now? Or even then for that matter? It wouldn't!

Abusers arent abusive because they are angry -They are angry because they are abusive.

You did well leaving. Block all contact! All.
Well done op. Keep your child safe!

[Wanderlust21]

Ps:

Google the 'cycle of abuse'.

Pps: better no father figure than an abusive one.

[Marbling]

@Wanderlust21 when you put it that way... obviously I have a lot of compassion for the damage that bullying can cause even years later. But I had a pretty miserable childhood too for different reasons and I got counselling and am not generally a cunt. So yeah he needs to take more responsibility.

[lavenderlove]

You're doing the right thing. Even if he was nice 99.9% of the time and only verbally aggressive and abusive 0.01% of the time you should leave, you and your dd deserve a life not walking on egg shells and questioning yourself

[Randomword6]

I agree he is not going to change unless he sees a problem. I would also be very wary of the relationship between him and your DD, he is capable of being like this while she is little and compliant, he may not be able to keep it up when she is older.

[Wanderlust21]

Unfortunately nasty ppl target kind, compassionate souls who make more excuses than they should and want to see the best in folk. Even when it isn't there.

Covert or 'victim/vulnerarble' narcissists often harp on about how hard they've had it an how the whole world is against them or how they are so misunderstood. Its bollocks, in order to play on your good heart.

He has issues, issues you cannot have around you, let alone a child. It isnt anything you, if anyone, can fix.

Protect yourself first and foremost.

[itaintthatdeeep]

Op listen if you have a new car, all shiny with a perfect sound system but it randomly breaks down.
Never knowing when it's going to stop working, on the school run / motorway it is not a good car!

He is not a good man. It's really that simple.
When emotions are involved we over complicated things but he is not a good dp.

[BlingLoving]

OP, I was just on another thread talking about DH's anger issues. And the fact that he proactively dealt with them. He sought help and therapy. He worked at it. He applied the tools and learnings he got at therapy.

You know why? Because he wasn't just sorry when he lost it completely, he knew it was not right and needed to change. So he did the work. And changed. Your DP is clearly not willing to do this.

I'm also on a thread about healthy relationships and I was thinking of adding a point about healthy boundaries. you have them. You have established a boundary and stuck to it. Well done to you.

[picklemewalnuts]

And you can stay with your parents if you need to- you are allowed to change households!

He may get nastier when he sees you don't backdown. Be ready to leave at a moment's notice if you feel he's escalating.

[rvby]

You've so made the right choice. Don't waver x

[Marbling]

Thank you all and sorry not to reply to each of you individually, you have all made some very good points and I’m really grateful. I just want to go now and put this behind me. The longer is stay the more awkward it is. I work in a hospital so don’t want to put my parents at risk but if I need to leave quickly there is an empty property I can use that belongs to a friend who’s abroad for a few months. Thanks again, I’m reading and re reading everything that’s been posted

[QwertyGurty]

I think you have made the right decision. Well done you. You will manage, even if it's financially tougher. This guy sounds quite needy and you sound really strong. Go with your gut feeling and look forward to the next chapter 💐

[curiouslypacific]

I think you have definitely done the right thing OP. You'll end up walking on eggshells all the time otherwise, worried that anything you do might trip his anger switch. It's a horrible way to live, and your dd will definitely start to pick up on it and learn all the wrong lessons about relationships.

At a certain point it doesn't really matter if his behaviour is deliberate or because he's got MH issues - if he refuses to even consider treatment, he's choosing to abuse you. A man that was capable of empathy and loved you wouldn't choose to persist with a pattern of behaviour that hurt you. He also seems to believe that he should be able to buy your forgiveness, rather than doing the work to not need it. Those two beliefs will always get in the way of him being a decent partner (and parent once your dd gets to an age where she starts to challenge him).

[Wanderlust21]

My bad for skimming parts, i see you've not left the house yet. Yeah, defo go. That empty place sounds great. Nice of your friend to let you use that :)

I'd pack up the important stuff and shift asap and tell him by phone you've left. That way it doesnt give him an opportunity to kick off and potentially put you at risk.

[Bluntness100]

Christ op, there is no one who would get away with shouting at me I was a disgrace. Honestly don’t just walk away run.

This is going to get steadily worse. If you go back you’re showing him you’re ok with it, so how much more can he dole out to you and you’ll still take it.

He’s showing his true colours. This is who he is. How long till he’s shouting it at your daughter. ? How long till she hears it and understands it. How long till she either despises you or pities you for taking it?

Run.

[12345kbm]

You don't have an equal relationship OP, you have a father/daughter, teacher/pupil, boss/employee relationship. He sees himself as of higher rank than you and he talks down to you.

He doesn't want to be challenged which is why he's talking about your 'tone'. There's nothing wrong with your tone, there's something wrong with him.

I don't care if he was bullied at school, you're not his personal punchbag and he doesn't get to take his past out on you.

Please leave.

[Musti]

You've made the right decision. Him shouting and accusing you like that is unacceptable and if you were to stay with him you'd end up walking on eggshells at best and the same with your child. Plus the sex isn't good either.

[TorkTorkBam]

Are you really planning to spend the next two months living with your ex who has anger issues?Risky.

[Marbling]

No I’m going to go to the empty house tomorrow, very fortunate that I have the use of that!

[NoMoreDickheads]

You're definitely not wrong. No-one deserves to be treated like that, and it would've effected your DD as she got older and realized what was going on.

Great work, stay strong. No amount of money is worth having to live that way. xxxxx

[Sugartitss]

leave him.

i feel a bit sorry for your tenants.

[WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo]

Well done for recognising his behaviour for what it is. Being abusive towards you because you’re not behaving like a performing seal for him is bad news. You really hit rock bottom with that when life throws something really awful at you & you actually need a supportive loving partner. He’ll kick you when you’re down. Plus he’s messy (i.e it’s your job to clean up after him) & crap in bed, no amount of money worth putting up with all that. Thank goodness you have a place to go for a while, the universe is looking out for you.

[Wanderlust21]

How are you doing op?
Did you make it to your new place safely?

[ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal]

He's abusive and not kind at all. It's an act. Hopefully you've got out of there.