Day one of not being a mug ..can I do this?

[onestepat]

He's an arsehole.
He's treated me like rubbish in the past and I still give him another chance etc
It's me chasing him all the time.
I'm done of being a pushover.
It's always me initiating conversations.
Haven't seen him in two months because of this corona business.
It's all on his terms,when he wants to chat we chat.
The last few days he hasn't gave me the lickings of a dog.
We were texting last night (I texted first ) and I was showing him some old pics of me and he looked at 5am this morning and didn't reply.
He disappears mid conversation a lot,feels like he skims my texts.
Last week he wasn't feeling well so was all over me (wanting a bit of sympathy )obviously I'm obliged.
Today I ain't texting him..stuff it.
Normally it gets to mid day and I cave and text
Can I do this ?

[thecatsarecrazy]

I got ghosted by this guy twice, I mean what a mug I am. I've been told by many people he's a wanker, a tosser a bell end. I still gave him another chance. Only you can break the cycle

[thecatsarecrazy]

How you getting on? I was like this with someone. Bit more complicated in our case but at the start of lockdown it was great, then he just stopped all communication. I made a tit of myself and sent several unanswered messages. I thought I couldn't get on without him. The way I have found to cope is take away the temptations, every time I start to mope about him I have to do an exercise. In my case a 60 second plank. It physically hurts and is way more painful than the emotional pain he caused. Think of all his bad points like when he has backed out of meeting, not asked how you are, not put you first.

[CHIRIBAYA]

Yes, you absoutely can do this! You have recognised patterns in the way you choose and relate to your partners. Many people NEVER make it this far. What's the underlying need in your interactions with him? Think about it and be honest with yourself. You have insight which means that you have got what it takes to make the changes you want with the right support.

[MissScarlettOhara]

OP - in answer to your question, yes! I believe you can do this! Like another poster said, come here and message us instead. You said you would usually cave and message by midday - how did today go?

[TorkTorkBam]

Jesus. Block and delete.

Then you can't crawl to him like a beaten puppy.

Ghost him. Make it easy for yourself to ghost him by blocking and deleting.

[12345kbm]

@Howyiz yes, you could look at it that way of course.

It's tends to be learned behaviour in dysfunctional households. It's not really about 'virtuous behaviour' but a way of surviving abuse.

A young child learns to 'fawn' over a cold, unapproachable or neglectful parent. Adult children are often people pleasers because it was a way of surviving alcoholic or mental health induced mood swings and rages.

They carry this survival mechanism into adulthood to often, negative results but don't know another way of interacting. It's why counselling or therapy is often helpful, so they can learn different ways of interacting with others.

[vikingwife]

at 8 months you should know if you’re official. If it’s not “on” after 8 months & you don’t know where you stand, there is your answer. If someone likes you they will want to lock it down

[AgentJohnson]

Being a people pleaser is a warm and fuzzy way of glossing over the fact that you don’t have the confidence enough to voice/ assert your own wants/needs. This puts you at the mercy of every chancer.

[Howyiz]

Yes 12345kbm, you learn that it is a desirable or virtuous behaviour when it can in fact just lead you to behave to the detriment of your own well being.

[12345kbm]

I don't think being a people pleaser, is a decision so much as learned behaviour.

[fronttoback]

He's an arsehole.

Every time you feel the need to contact him, come back to this thread first and we'll tell you why you shouldn't!

I know it's hard, but he is messing with your head, and he's not worth it.

[Howyiz]

hellsbellsmelons if you want the moral high ground maybe check your tone!
OP in my experience giving yourself the 'out' of being a people pleaser just leads you to make the same mistakes again and again because you think there is virtue in that behaviour. There isn't, it just leads to more bad decisions.
However as @hellsbellsmelons pointed out I could have phrased my original answer better so apologies if I upset you.

[Opaljewel]

Have you posted about this before? Sounds familiar.

But anyway op you only get one shot at life. Is this how you want to spend it? A few crumbs thrown your way?

[lockdownlowdown]

Listen to shera7s videos on you tube and get your self worth off the floor

[AgentJohnson]

Prioritising someone who treats you as an option, is never a good idea.

[Sodamncold]

You texted him some pics at 5am
At not even 10am you’re posting a thread complaining that he didn’t comment on them

[madcatladyforever]

Don't you have any women friends to show your pics to because I can tell you men are not interested in that stuff.

[madcatladyforever]

God just dump or ignore him. I'd never run after a man. They only respect you if you treat them like the dogs that they are.

[AgentJohnson]

It’s been months!!!! The dynamic is set, which is more than enough time for you to accept that this is going nowhere.

[Sodamncold]

He just sounds to me that he’s not really in to you

[12345kbm]

OP if you finish this relationship, you're going to have another relationship almost exactly the same because the problem here isn't him, it's you.

Take a look at the Freedom Programme online, though I don't know if your problem is abuse so much as neediness. You're a massive people pleaser so, I can only guess, that you're constantly trying to smooth over arguments and sort things out, you apologise even when things aren't your fault and you let people walk all over you.

You need to stop getting into relationships because you're accepting any kind of behaviour in exchange for crumbs of affection. You're getting a kind of 'hit' when he contacts you because you're desperate for validation that you're loveable.

You need to do some work on yourself as your self esteem is low. You need to build up your confidence and work on your boundaries. I really suggest you have a think about doing counselling to work through all this. You can check BACP for counsellors.

[AgentJohnson]

There’s patient and then there’s being a pushover and the line between the two, isn’t a thin one.

[AgentJohnson]

You can’t expect him to be respectful of you and your time if you don’t respect yourself or your time, by always being available.

[hellsbellsmelons]

obviously I'm obliged.
Obviously your ARE NOT!!!
The only thing you are obligated to do is to make your own life as happy and stress free and worthwhile as possible.
You are obligated only to YOURSELF!!
You have serious self-esteem issues and need to work on that quickly.
While you have time, do some reading.
Go on-line and look at the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.
You do it on-line so do it quick!

Just re-read your opening post OP.
What would you say to a friend?
I'm assuming you are young with no children?

Block, ignore and delete.
Get the 'mug' tattoo removed from your forehead.
Start to think about what you want from your life!

@Howyiz - fuck off!
This is relationships not AIBU and we support here we don't name call people looking for some support!!!
Yes it's frustrating sometimes when the answer is so obvious to some of us.
But many people have had shite childhoods and terrible times as an adult. Some have MH issues. Some have no idea about boundaries and what makes a good relationship.
Some kindness is required, not name calling.

[itmusthavebeencoffee]

What a waste of your time. Block, delete and forget his existence.