My H is doing hardly anything and I’m so cross

[Jamandbreadd]

Jsut a rant really. Dh and I have both been wfh for the past 5 weeks, dd5 off with us for almost the same amount of time. Dd isn’t his bio daughter but we’ve been together since she was 1, we are married and and we consider ourselves a family, share her costs, etc.
By now I feel seriously resentful about the domestic situation. Dh and I both work in IT, fairly busy jobs even now, and the big idea was to divide up working hours and childcare/home schooling. However this listed about one week and now dh pretty much parks himself at his desk (I have to use the kitchen table to work as we have a small flat) for the whole working day, except when he makes lunch. To be fair he will do lunch for me and dd too but that’s basically it. He’s on calls a lot, working solidly until he finishes up around 4 and then he’s straight on his beloved computer games until dinner. Or- to my annoyance- he does an organised group computer game with his work colleagues during work hours, something he is planning to do today.
Meanwhile I bought all the extra crafts and activities stuff for dd at home, there’s a box full of sticker/puzzle books plus all the work sent home from school, and she has lots of toys and books and things to do besides. He never takes the initiative to do anything with her during the work day or otherwise, if I have a call one of two things will happen. Either they will start an activity but his patience level will be so low it will peter off because she’s not “concentrating enough” or whatever, or he will jsut put a screen on for her. He doesn’t seem to have the inclination to sit and do a reading book or activity with her to contribute to the homeschooling routine. He never takes her out for her walk during the day- he’s done it literally once or twice. And then in the evenings when he is “free” he will do some dinner for us then just plays on computer games/has a bath/goes on his phone while I do dd bath/stories/bed and by the time
I get done at around 9pm I’m so knackered. The weeks feel so draining as it’s so driven by me. When I’ve tried to raise it he completely denies that I’m the only one doing the stuff with dd, but it’s true. The other day I was feeling really low and called my sister for about 15 mins to vent and it only took that long for him to tell dd off about something really harshly, he has no patience and just blames it on his stress levels. But the fact is he’s not doing as much as me. I do all laundry, cleaning, hoovering, tidying, cat litter tray etc as well as the childcare. Because he does most washing up and he cooks most days (which is actually his hobby/it relaxes him) he says it’s not fair to say I do more and I don’t appreciate him!!! He gets at least an hour a day to himself when I take dd for a walk, plus he gets to relax when he is done with work at 4 or 5, he even gets “fun time” during work when he and his colleagues do an organised online game. And he doesn’t get interrupted during the day as I’ve just learned it’s too stressful due to his obvious disinterest in doing stuff with dd.
I know he is dd stepdad but he has no interest in balancing this with me. He likes paying lip service to it eg complaining to his manager how hard it is “homeschooling and working” but that’s laughable, he’s not doing that! I am! I’ve already taken 2 days of annual leave to look after dd.. he won’t consider it.
I never realised before how much he sees all this as my job and it’s really disheartening. He wants a baby and I’m like, will he be different when it’s his child? Why? He’s not going to relinquish his addiction to video games/phone and become a whole different person? And he clearly sees chores and childcare as the woman’s work.
Ughhhhhh...

[B1rdbra1n]

do not have a child with this man, he wont treat your children equally and he will play them off against each other, you will be stuck in the middle of it all absorbing all the stress:(

[B1rdbra1n]

what he wants is a housekeeper, your child is an inconvenience that he has to tolerate in order to have the services of the housekeeper.
He wants you to have a baby with him because that will make it easier for him to control you and keep you working for his comfort and convenience.
He will use the children as levers that he can pull to control you

[NotMyNigel]

For years they have been able to escape to work and claim that they are ‘busy’ and therefore their lack of involvement in family life has been excused to some extent. However, the lockdown has revealed that some men want the trappings of family life, but don’t want to do the every day grafting

Exactly this. Also women are now seeing how much of their “ busy at work “ time actually includes down time for them, like the computer game in work hours or going the gym or lunch / drinks with friends before / after work.

Women who work in offices notice that many fathers organise work meetings that run from 4-6pm so that they can get home late and avoid the witching hour with the children. They prefer to stroll in late, eat dinner then act like a hero because they have read a bedtime story for 5 mins ( while their wife washes up naturally ).

[LannieDuck]

Do you enjoy cooking? How about suggesting you switch roles with him - you do the cooking for the rest of the week, and he does all the jobs that you ordinarily do.

[LannieDuck]

... which includes all the childcare you would normally do.

[Windyatthebeach]

Ime he hasn't embraced parenthood so far. That won't change..
I had a dd, fell pregnant unplanned with ex and had 3 x dc. He never changed..
He has nc with any of them..
Get out while you can.

[Ineverdidmind]

Definitely don't have a baby with this man. He will either treat the child differently to your DD which will be horrible for her, or he'll be the same in which case you will always be the one doing the lions share of the childcare. Its lose lose.

[madcatladyforever]

Don't kid yourself he could care less about your DD or the cats.
My ex walked away after 18 years didn't even say goodbye to my son to who he had been a stepfather to all of that time, hasn't spoken to him since. Never sends him a birthday card, nothing. We were supposed to have been a family too.
Didn't give a monkeys about the cats either, doesn't know if she is alive or dead. She's very much alive at 19 years old.
I can't believe I wasted all that time on him.

[Jamandbreadd]

@madcatlady I’m really sorry to hear that and thanks for the warning. I see myself there in future and I just cant risk it for myself or dd. I already feel like he’s drained so much of my emotional (and physical!) energy.

[billy1966]

@NotMyNigel
Absolutely bang on.

I saw this during my working career.
Occasionally i would work late and i noticed guys working back, chatting, having a laugh, doing fxxk all.

I was mid twenties and a bit innocent.

I mentioned it one day at lunch whilst i had been working back several nights.

Older female colleague who worked with one of them called "wasters, dodging bath time at home".
I remember being surprised.
It wasn't every guy in the office in their mid 30's but there were 8-10 that we all clocked doing it.
Funnily enough....and without exception everyone of those guys had affairs and their marriages ended in divorce.

They were all bit slimy, full on themselves, guys who were on the corporate ladder. They left wives with very small children...all under 5. Wasters.